I’m not familiar with the contest guidelines you are working with, so if my feedback doesn’t fit with what you need, I apologize ;)
I really like the scene you’ve set here. It’s intriguing and hints and a deeper, more complex story. Since you appear to be limited in the number of words you can use though, I’d consider losing a lot of the housekeeping words and focusing on crazy rich imagery that touches each of the senses. For example, something like, he stood, buoyed in a parched sea of swelling sand and heat, hazy in the distance, a triangle pointed to the blue sky, a face crumbled to the wind. Then you can lose words like “ he looked around” and “he saw” and “he realized” because its implied. Anyhoo, just an idea
Awesome job! And good luck with the contest!
I love the idea of this story, and I have to say, you surprised me at the end, and just like the speaker in your story, I was startled and struck by the repeating of events. This story is really good, but it has a lot of potential to be even better (in my opinion of course ).
Just a few ideas if you’re interested, the beginning of the story reads a bit like a fantasy novel scene. I thought for a moment I was reading a longer story excerpt, lines like “onto the table I threw a few coins, which the sour bartender quickly snatched up” and “Staggering drunkenly, I left the tavern” give the story a feel of being set in another time and place. I don’t think your giving anything away by grounded it in today’s world, so I’d consider revamping those images abit.
I loved the description of his mental state. It fits with why he’s almost immune to the ugly reality he’s passing through. The scene with the guy outside the bar seemed to pass abit quickly. You might want to add in some dialogue on that part.
After reading through the story a second time, I was a little surprised at how short it is. Maybe its because it’s a first draft? But there’s so much you can do here. You only touch slightly on Lisa and the wife. You might consider adding flashbacks earlier on and sprinkling them throughout like black and white photographs leading up to the final scene.
Anyhoo, awesome story thank you for allowing me to read it!
What a wonderful piece. You’ve crafted this so deliberately and convincingly that there’s really no constructive feedback I can think of about the writing itself. I love the shifting between the scenes as the speaker is remembering what happened in the office, and the idea of him spinning in his chair while quietly losing his mind is brilliant. I also love the imagery of life being like a rancid ice cream cone, great stuff!
Just a couple of ideas I had while reading through a second time. The therapist didn’t quite crystallize for me and it struck me the second read through that it was because the imagery of her being a smoker with a wrinkled face made me want to see her as gaunt, skinny. Which might be interesting imagery for you since he’s having this discussion before being put to death, she is, in a way, his Charon.
The line “I force down the rest of the day shard by shard”, is freaking awesome! But it’s not quite right since we don’t leave him at that point working out the rest of his day, which is what it seems to imply. Maybe “I prepare to force down.” Or something like that? If I’m missing something obvious, please forgive!
Also, you might consider adding a reference towards the beginning of the office scene that hints that its later in the afternoon, after lunch, to add a bigger punch at the end when the reader clues in that he’s just come back from discovering the infidelity and killer her.
Anyhoo, awesome story. Thank you for allowing me to read it
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jabennett
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.28 seconds at 8:56am on Dec 31, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
