DeKalb Daddy's (ja0824on) Reviews

DeKalb Daddy

Review Requests: OFF

70 Public Reviews Given

71 Total Reviews Given

1

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4224743

Review of Who's Deader, You or Me?

Review by DeKalb Daddy

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Welcome to Writing.com. I don't review poetry because I am poetically tone deaf. However, your item came up, I read it, and decided to give it a shot. Because I enjoyed it. Yes, I enjoyed reading your poetry about something so heart-wrenchingly sad as the loss of your loved one and life partner.

I enjoyed the emotion that you were able to convey through your word imagery:

"Regret rises in me

Like a black sunrise,

Shedding darkness on the truth" Loved that!

The next stanza I didn't understand. What emotion is plastered on your heart like a badge of honor? Again, not a poetry guy so someone who knows this stuff would probably get it. But I enjoyed your poem and I wanted to understand so I guess that's a good thing.

I'm really glad your here and I feel sorrow for your loss.

God Bless You!

Jim

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

2

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14 days may be credited.

#4045915

Review of The New Age.

Review by DeKalb Daddy

Rated: E

| (3.0)

I pledge that I will always be honest in my reviews, we all deserve that. Understand that I am by no means an expert. My opinions are just that, my opinions. Therefore, I invite you to use what you can and happily discard the rest.

Welcome to Wdc. You're going to like it here! There are a lot of helpful and friendly people on this website.

My overall impression of this piece: As they say, "So far, so good." Your story, while still in what I perceive to be a rough draft stage, has a lot of possibilities.

Things that I thought worked well: The story is very dark, but hey, it's a zombie story so dark is a good thing. Your story moves along quickly and there's a logical progression of events.

A few things you may want to consider: There are a lot of grammar and usage mistakes, but you just wrote this today so I'm sure you're already aware of them. Aside from that, I suggest that you add more depth. You have a lot of action, which is great, but I'd enjoy seeing more description of character and setting so that I can better visualize what's going on.

In conclusion: You have a good beginning here. I'll be interested to see what happens next, especially to her parents. Since you're new to the website, I'm sending you some gift points to help you get started.
Thank you for allowing me to read and review your story. If you decide to edit this piece and would like another review of it, I would be happy to do that and possibly adjust the rating.
Jim

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

3

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14 days may be credited.

#3994821

Review of Ghetto Life

Review by DeKalb Daddy

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

I pledge that I will always be honest in my reviews, we all deserve that. Understand that I am by no means an expert. My opinions are just that, my opinions. Therefore, I invite you to use what you can and happily discard the rest.

Welcome to Wdc. You're going to like it here! There are a lot of helpful and friendly people on this website.

My overall impression of this piece:

I like the overall mood and tone of the piece. You have created a framework that you can build upon.

Things that I thought worked well:

You've started setting a tone for your story. I have a very small sense of who your character is. He is a young man, living in an American ghetto, who believes in doing good, but sees no reward in it.

A few things you may want to consider:

There are many sentence fragments in this piece. I suggest reading it out loud, slowly and carefully to yourself. That is a good way to pick them out. I'll give you just one example:

No discrimination and slick segregation. Now that would be the life for me. To be finally respected. To walk into a store without people staring at me. Wondering if I were a thug or drug dealer.

There is only one sentence in that group of phrases.

In conclusion:

You have the makings of a good story here. It needs to be edited for grammar and punctuation, but it has potential. Good luck to you in your writing career.

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your story. If you decide to edit this piece and would like another review of it, I would be happy to do that and possibly adjust the rating.
Jim

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

4

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3987348

Review of The Social Contract, Chapter 0.5

Review by DeKalb Daddy

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

I pledge that I will always be honest in my reviews, we all deserve that. Understand that I am by no means an expert. My opinions are just that, my opinions. Therefore, I invite you to use what you can and happily discard the rest.

Hello William McGonagall. Is that your real name? My name is Jim and I live right down the road from you in DeKalb. Pleased to meet you!

My overall impression of this piece:

I really like your story. You have a pleasant, folksy way of writing. Your writing style is identical to a favorite author of mine: John R. Powers, who wrote a series of successful short books in the 1970s.

Things that I thought worked well:

Pretty much everything worked for me. I liked your descriptions of the children's activities. The dialog was very true-to-life.

A few things you may want to consider:

Only twice since I joined this website have I had no suggestions for improving a story; this being the second time. What you have here is the basis for a much longer work.

In conclusion:

Alright, why is there only one story in your portfolio? This is totally unacceptable! I'm having some stories published in emagazines and I struggle with my writing. I wish that I could write like you do. I want to see more! Please!

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your story. If you decide to edit this piece and would like another review of it, I would be happy to do that and possibly adjust the rating.
Jim

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

5

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3964134

Review of We Light Each Other Up

Review by DeKalb Daddy

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

I pledge that I will always be honest in my reviews, we all deserve that. Understand that I am by no means an expert. My opinions are just that, my opinions. Therefore, I invite you to use what you can and happily discard the rest.

Welcome to Wdc. You're going to like it here! There are a lot of helpful and friendly people on this website.

My overall impression of this piece:

I enjoyed the story. It was well-written and carefully thought out.

Things that I thought worked well:

You did an excellent job of describing the situation. You provided good detail, which helped the story progress. I was able to picture everything that was happening.

A few things you may want to consider:

After reading the story, I felt myself wanting more; not in a creepy, sexual way, but in a desire for more plot. This is more of a scene from a story, than a whole story. I'd like to know more about the characters. Who are they? Why are they here? How did they come to know each other? What got them to this point?
You have my attention, now tell me more.

In conclusion:

You've done a very good job with this story, as far as it goes. I just need more story.

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your story. If you decide to edit this piece and would like another review of it, I would be happy to do that and possibly adjust the rating.
Jim

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

6

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3964126

Review of Charlotte

Review by DeKalb Daddy

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hi. I see that you're new to Writing.com. Welcome! You're going to like it here. There are a lot of helpful and friendly people.

I came across your story when I requested a random review. However, after reading it, I decided not to do a formal one. That would be a cheap shot, since you just wrote it and this is obviously a first draft. I like the premise of the story and the characters and dialoge feel real. When you're doing the edit and rewrite, pay particular attention to the basics of grammar and punctuation. I also noticed a lot of instances of mixed verb tenses within sentences. Some people like to edit their stories as the go; others prefer to just get the words down and come back later to fix the mistakes. Either way is fine.

All-in-all, a decent first attempt at the story. If you choose to make some changes to it and would like me to do a more in-depth review, I'd be happy to do that and possibly adjust the rating. Simply send me an email when you're ready.

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your work. Understand that I am by no means an expert. My opinions are just that; my opinions. Feel free to take what you can use and happily discard the rest.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

7

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3964122

Review of A Short Scary Story

Review by DeKalb Daddy

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

I pledge that I will always be honest in my reviews, we all deserve that. Understand that I am by no means an expert. My opinions are just that, my opinions. Therefore, I invite you to use what you can and happily discard the rest.

Welcome to Wdc. You're going to like it here! There are a lot of helpful and friendly people on this website.

My overall impression of this piece:

I enjoyed the premise of the story and I enjoyed the plot twist at the end.

Things that I thought worked well:

By giving several examples of the child's use of the dummy to scare his father, all of them being similar, you lull the reader into a false sense of what to expect next, making the ending more effective and truly surprising. Good job on that!

A few things you may want to consider:

Okay, it's not fair for me to say too much here since this obviously just a rough draft. There are three things that I want to suggest that you pay special attention to when you edit and rewrite it. You're probably already aware of all of them.

I feel that you should break it up into paragraphs and indent each of them. It simply makes the whole thing easier to read.

There are a lot of huge grammatical errors, but that's not such a big deal in a first draft. I like to fix them as I go; a lot of people don't, preferring to stay 'in the zone' and correct them later.

A huge pet peeve of mine is mixing tenses within a story for no obvious reason. There are many instances of that here. Again, an easy fix.

In conclusion:

I like the story; the action is well thought out. The whole thing just needs a reread, edit and rewrite. All-in-all, a good first attempt.

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your story. If you decide to edit this piece and would like another review of it, I would be happy to do that and possibly adjust the rating.
Jim

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

8

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3959858

Review of Heart Barricade

Review by DeKalb Daddy

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

I pledge that I will always be honest in my reviews, we all deserve that. Understand that I am by no means an expert. My opinions are just that, my opinions. Therefore, I invite you to use what you can and happily discard the rest.

Welcome to Wdc. You're going to like it here! There are a lot of helpful and friendly people on this website.

My overall impression of this piece:

I like what you have so far. Obviously, you have just begun the rough draft, but as they say 'so far, so good'.

Things that I thought worked well:

Everything that you have now makes sense and flows well. You seem to have a talent for story telling.

A few things you may want to consider:

Since this is obviously a rough draft, there are, of course a lot of grammar and punctuation errors. That's to be expected. Few writers proofread as they go, I being one of the exceptions. Most choose to 'just get it down on paper', leaving the editing for later. I'm only giving it three stars for that reason. I'd more than happy to take another look at it when it's finished and possibly upgrade the rating.

Also, whenever I review a 'newbie' that shows promise, I enclose some gift points to help them get started. I've enclosed 1000 points. Again, welcome and best wishes in your writing!

In conclusion:
Thank you for allowing me to read and review your story.
Jim

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

9

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3948236

Review of Gift for Natalie

Review by DeKalb Daddy

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

I pledge that I will always be honest in my reviews, we all deserve that. Understand that I am by no means an expert. My opinions are just that, my opinions. Therefore, I invite you to use what you can and happily discard the rest.

Welcome to Wdc. You're going to like it here! There are a lot of helpful and friendly people on this website.

My overall impression of this piece:

I very much enjoyed your story. I love a good plot twist.

Things that I thought worked well:

You really had me believing that Paul and Natalie were about to celebrate an anniversary. The details about the flowers, his attire, the restaurant made the whole thing believable. Without these details, the ending would never have had the impact that it had.

A few things you may want to consider:

my husband doesn’t have romantic bone in his body missing an 'a'

But she had them for her wedding, I would have said 'our wedding'. Even during my first read-through, this stood out. I wondered why he would say 'her' wedding.

I pulled my ski mask and leather gloves out of the duffel bag on the floor. I would not have written anything about the ski mask and gloves. I feel like it brings the plot twist out too early. I would have either left it out completely or brought it out later, like when you mention the duct tape and rope.

In conclusion:

You wrote a nice, tight, entertaining piece here and I look forward to reading more of your work.

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your story. If you decide to edit this piece and would like another review of it, I would be happy to do that and possibly adjust the rating.
Jim

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

10

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3943230

Review of A Matter of Self Esteem

Review by DeKalb Daddy

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

I pledge that I will always be honest in my reviews, we all deserve that. Understand that I am by no means an expert. My opinions are just that, my opinions. Therefore, I invite you to use what you can and happily discard the rest.

My overall impression of this piece:

It was a fun piece to read. And yes, it was very much like an episode from The Twilight Zone.

Things that I thought worked well:

You successfully used a common theme, Walter Mitty, and combined it with a clever twist; the insertion of the Twilight Zone format. You made it even more interesting by adding the character who observed his life and offered him a way to change it.

A few things you may want to consider:

Most of the story is dialog, which is not a problem in-and-of itself. You used dialog effectively. The problem that I encountered were small 'speed bumps' in it. Let me explain. When I'm reading dialog between two people, I expect that each line will be a new speaker. When they're going back-and-forth and then the same speaker speaks or acts in three or more separate line, it throws me off. I'll give you just a couple of examples:

The little man smiled benignly back at him.

“Well, isn’t it obvious? Of course I can.”

“Now then, you asked who I am.” he continued, “I suppose I could be referred to as a facilitator of sorts. You see, I more or less bring people together so that time and events will flow smoothly. So that things will turn out… better…“

There's no reason to break up these lines, since it's the same person speaking/acting. Here's another example:

“Sure thing, momsy. Be glad to.”

Melvin rose from his chair at the opposite end of the table and waddled over to where Thaddeus was sitting.

“Out of the way, Tad. This is a job for a real man.” he said with a smirk as he snatched the knife from his hand and elbowed his way in between Thaddeus and the table

Same issue. One more example:

A straight legged lunge to his right and a twist of his shoulders brought his right hand under the ball. As it hit his fingers the second time it again bobbled upwards but his forward momentum kept him under it and when it came down for the third and final time he was able to get both hands on it and tuck it against his chest as he turned to run.

A roar went up from the crowd and he saw the opposing players moving in to take him down as he began his desperate up field race.

Adrenalin pumped through his system as one by one he either made it past them or they were blocked by his fellow team mates.

As he passed his own twenty yard line he dared to look up at the goal posts and saw that they were rapidly drawing nearer.

“I might make it!” flashed through his mind as he heard the pounding feet of another player closing behind him.

“I’m going to make it!” he thought jubilantly and in the same instant a crushing force struck him from behind.

A flash of pain shot through his left shoulder as he cart wheeled forward, his legs wind milling towards the goal line.

He was going to go down, of that he was certain, but if he could only…

His balance completely gone, he tumbled to the turf at the same instant that he saw the goal line slip beneath him.

“I did it! I can’t believe that I actually did it” the ecstatic thought raced through Trevor’s mind.

All of this could be one paragraph and it would be easier to read.

In conclusion:

I suggest going through the story again and tightening up these issues. I provided a couple of examples, but I found others. As far as the story itself goes, it was a fun read. You captured and held my attention throughout.

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your story. If you decide to edit this piece and would like another review of it, I would be happy to do that and possibly adjust the rating.
Jim

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

11

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3942631

Review of Brace against the waves

Review by DeKalb Daddy

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

I pledge that I will always be honest in my reviews, we all deserve that. Understand that I am by no means an expert. My opinions are just that, my opinions. Therefore, I invite you to use what you can and happily discard the rest.

My overall impression of this piece:

I loved everything about your story!

Things that I thought worked well:

You story contains characters that are believeable and well-developed. I like the way that you describe the setting, which helps convey the mood.

A few things you may want to consider:

I know that all reviews should provide helpful suggestions, but honestly, I can't think of any except to say I want more. I really wish that this was only one chapter in a longer work.

In conclusion:
Thank you for allowing me to read and review your story. If you decide to edit this piece and would like another review of it, I would be happy to do that and possibly adjust the rating.
Jim

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

12

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3929206

Review of The Memory Collector

Review by DeKalb Daddy

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

I pledge that I will always be honest in my reviews, we all deserve that. Understand that I am by no means an expert. My opinions are just that, my opinions. Therefore, I invite you to use what you can and happily discard the rest.

Welcome to Wdc. You're going to like it here! There are a lot of helpful and friendly people on this website.

My overall impression of this piece:

It's a good story, so far. You have created a world and characters that are interesting and, while other-worldly, believable.

Things that I thought worked well:

I like the way that you describe the machines. I was able to see them in my mind's eye. You also have added something unique in describing memories as being a source of power. I always enjoy reading a story that offers something new and different.

A few things you may want to consider:

This creature was thin and long, but very small in comparison to my hulking frame. Its limbs were long, and each ended in eight long and taloned fingers. It also had a short tail with a serrated blade attached for tougher prey. Its teeth and talons are supposedly unbreakable, and a single eye resides where a human nose would be. The mouth is lopsided and crosses the forehead.
You're mixing verb tenses here. I think that you may want to choose either past or present tense, but not both.

My other suggestion involves simple mechanics. I noticed many one word sentences that I think could be coupled together with semicolons, making them flow more smoothly. I also suggest that you indent each paragraph and put a line space between each. For me, it is much more pleasing to the eye and makes the whole story easier to read. Lastly, many of the paragraphs are only one line. Maybe group them together into longer paragraphs, if that works for you. There's really no reason to have a one line paragraph unless you're doing it to make it stand out.

In conclusion:
Thank you for allowing me to read and review your story. If you decide to edit this piece and would like another review of it, I would be happy to do that and possibly adjust the rating.
Jim

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

13

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3929202

Review of PK Chapter 1

Review by DeKalb Daddy

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

I pledge that I will always be honest in my reviews, we all deserve that. Understand that I am by no means an expert. My opinions are just that, my opinions. Therefore, I invite you to use what you can and happily discard the rest.

My overall impression of this piece:

This is a really good start on your novel. You captured and held my attention throughout, which is something that I always look for.

Things that I thought worked well:

Your characters were believable. Your use of descriptive images made the story come alive for me. You made me feel the emotions that your narrator was feeling.
Some people struggle when writing and others seem to have a gift. You have a gift for 'spinning a yarn.'

A few things you may want to consider:

Tonight, however, the box was the only thing that can console my troubled thoughts. I must find out what is in the box! With a determined gait, I marched past the roses and into
You're mixing verb tenses here. I think it would read better if you picked either past or present tense, not both together.

In my opinion, it's too short to be considered a chapter, even for a YA piece.
Maybe it could be a prologue.

Lastly, you asked if it is too edgy for YA. As the father of seven, four of whom are teens, I have to say yes, I think it is. That doesn't mean that it can't be a good novel, but I feel it's too descriptive for young people. That's not just me being an old prude, I'm sure my daughters would blush when reading that juicy part. And after the scene in the bed, I had to smile every time after that when you referred to him as being 'big'. You may want to rewrite it or adjust the rating; merely my opinion.

In conclusion:
Thank you for allowing me to read and review your story. If you decide to edit this piece and would like another review of it, I would be happy to do that and possibly adjust the rating.
Jim

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

14

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3928977

Review of IT LIVES IN THE BASEMENT

Review by DeKalb Daddy

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

I pledge that I will always be honest in my reviews, we all deserve that. Understand that I am by no means an expert. My opinions are just that, my opinions. Therefore, I invite you to use what you can and happily discard the rest.

Welcome to Wdc. You're going to like it here! There are a lot of helpful and friendly people on this website.

My overall impression of this piece:

It's a very good story. You were able to grab and hold my attention throughout the piece.

Things that I thought worked well:

You did a really nice job of describing both character and setting. I was able to 'see' all of the police officers, and you made each one different. Too often, I think, people create 'stock' characters, but with your adept use of dialog, you made each person unique and come to life.

A few things you may want to consider:

My suggestions are mostly about the visual mechanics. While the story was very good, it was visually difficult for me to read. My first suggestion is to use a line space between character dialog. For me, it's visually more appealing and helps me understand who is talking.
Another suggestion is to combine some of the lines together into slightly longer paragraphs. There's really no reason to start a new line and indent it if the same person is talking or the movements and actions are all being performed by that person. I'll give you one example:

He had searched every part of the house twice before, including the dirt room in the basement. The small room had a dirt floor with dirt walls. He didn’t remember seeing any marks on the floor, but at the time he was looking for a new grave or a body, so he may not have noticed the marks if he had seen them.
Thinking hard, all he could remember seeing in the room was the water meter, a few pole supports, and the light bulb. And off across the room in one of the corners, a piece of cardboard leaning against the irregular dirt wall. But nothing that would have sparked any interest, like drag marks, or footprints.
As he put his gun down, and retrieved his fallen cigarette, his head jerked up! He thought he’d seen movement in the shadows of the stairwell!

I think all of that could be one paragraph and it would be easier to read.

In conclusion:
Thank you for allowing me to read and review your story. If you decide to edit this piece and would like another review of it, I would be happy to do that and possibly adjust the rating.
Jim

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

15

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14 days may be credited.

#3928549

Review of The Sirens Three

Review by DeKalb Daddy

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

I pledge that I will always be honest in my reviews, we all deserve that. Understand that I am by no means an expert. My opinions are just that, my opinions. Therefore, I invite you to use what you can and happily discard the rest.

My overall impression of this piece:

I really liked your story. Your writing style captivated me.

Things that I thought worked well:

You described the action and setting very well. I was able to see and feel what was going on. I especially liked your description of the sirens.

A few things you may want to consider:

Really, I don't have much in the way of suggestions, hence my rating. There was only one part that confused me slightly. At one point, after taking his soul, the sirens walk away, down the beach. A moment later, they are standing right next to him. It's a little thing; maybe sirens do that.

In conclusion:
Thank you for allowing me to read and review your story. It was fun.
Jim

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

16

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3928273

Review of Lilly was a Lively Little Country Girl

Review by DeKalb Daddy

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

I pledge that I will always be honest in my reviews, we all deserve that. Understand that I am by no means an expert. My opinions are just that, my opinions. Therefore, I invite you to use what you can and happily discard the rest.

My overall impression of this piece:

You have a nice children's story here. It has an inspirational message of hope for children.

Things that I thought worked well:

Your character/daughter encounters tremendous obsticles and overcomes them through positive attitude and hard work. This is a wonderful message for children.

A few things you may want to consider:

The description of the accident may be a little scary for children. Also, you may want to consider changing up the beginnings of some sentences. Many of them begin with the same words, which can become tedious, even for children.

In conclusion:

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I enjoyed reading it.

If you should decide to make any changes to it and would like another review, I would be happy to do that and possibly upgrade my rating.
Jim

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

17

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3926670

Review of Lost Girl

Review by DeKalb Daddy

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

I pledge that I will always be honest in my reviews, we all deserve that. Understand that I am by no means an expert. My opinions are just that, my opinions. Therefore, I invite you to use what you can and happily discard the rest.

My overall impression of this piece:

I really enjoyed your story. It is very well written.

Things that I thought worked well:

You did a good job of building suspence. The character of the detective came alive and was believeable because of your effective use of dialogue and description.

A few things you may want to consider:

Because you were under a word limit constraint, you were not able to finish your work. I was left wanting some resolution. I have been in this situation myself, so I understand how this fells. Never-the-less, I would have liked to see an ending.

In conclusion:

I want to welcome you to writing.com. There are a lot of friendly and helpful people on this site. You're going to like it here. I am enclosing some gift points to help get you started.
Jim

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

18

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3925462

Review of The Veteran

Review by DeKalb Daddy

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

I pledge that I will always be honest in my reviews, we all deserve that. Understand that I am by no means an expert. My opinions are just that, my opinions. Therefore, I invite you to use what you can and happily discard the rest.

I don't review poems because I know nothing about poetry. I decided to try one because I just joined a reviewers group and need to stretch myself. My dad was a WWII navy vet, so I decided to review your piece.

My overall impression of this piece:

Okay, no fair! You put tears in my eyes. I absolutely loved your poem!

Things that I thought worked well:

Maybe someone who knows more than I would disagree, but for me, everything about your poem worked.

A few things you may want to consider:

In the third stanza, consider making 'shore' plural.

In conclusion:

You are review number thirty for me. I have never before given a five star rating, but you deserve it. Thank you for sharing your work with me.
Jim

19

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14 days may be credited.

#3925458

Review of Death House

Review by DeKalb Daddy

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

I pledge that I will always be honest in my reviews, we all deserve that. Understand that I am by no means an expert. My opinions are just that, my opinions. Therefore, I invite you to use what you can and happily discard the rest.

Hi, my name is Jim. Welcome to Writing.com. You're going to like it here; there are so many friendly and helpful people on this website!
My dad was a Hoosier, born and raised on a little farm near Commiskey (far southern part of the state) My older sister and my ex-wife are both nurses. I don't like my ex-wife, but I think nurses are amazing people!

My overall impression of this piece:

I liked your story. Yes, it was sad and depressing, but I think that's what you were going for, so it works. I felt that it was well-written; you have a gift for enlisting an emotion from your reader and holding it throughtout the piece.

Things that I thought worked well:

Your story was believeable. You established the relationship between the characters, gave a plausible explanation for the betrayal, and an insightful and intelligent look into the the main character's thoughts and emotions. You made me care about her and that's a powerful gift!

A few things you may want to consider:

As a reader, I would benefit from some tighter sentences. I noticed that many of your sentences are very short. While it is always your call as to how you write them, keep in mind that every time your reader encounters a 'period', they have to stop and start over. I'll give you just two examples from your story:

His hair was perfect. He kept his black hair in a military cut all the time. could be rewritten: He kept his perfect black hair in a military cut all the time. or

instead of: His name? Joseph Wells. consider: His name was Joseph Wells.

Of course there are times when you'll want to use very short sentences to emphasize something.

In conclusion:

Overall, good job. I'm starting out with a rating of three and a half stars. If you decide to make some changes to your piece, and would like me to review it again, I would be happy to do that and possibly adjust my rating.

Jim

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

20

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14 days may be credited.

#3925133

Review of Vignette #4

Review by DeKalb Daddy

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi, my name is Jim.

I am fairly new to Writing.com and to writing in general. I hope that I can give you a review that is helpful.

I don't know how to add all of the fancy emodicons that many people use, so I just put each item on a separate line.

First of all, I love your story. This is not faint praise. I looked at someone else's story before this one and passed it by without reviewing it because I couldn't find much of anything positive about it. It's not often that I come across something unique in a story, but you are definately onto something here. I really like the idea of a magician who performs 'internal' magic. There's no limit to where you can go with this idea.

If I have any suggestions, they would involve mechanics. There are some instances where punctuation is missing, but I've learned not to dwell on those things. I've found that I don't like it when reviewers nitpick my punctuation mistakes. I feel certain that you'll find them during a reread.

Thank you for allowing me to read and enjoy your work. It was my pleasure.

Jim

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

21

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3924453

Review of The Anguish of a Bullied Child

Review by DeKalb Daddy

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi, my name is Jim. I really enjoyed your story. I have seven children; the two youngest are experiencing horrible cruelty at school. Perhaps that's why this story touched me.
I can tell you in all honesty, that I only review stories that, in my view, have potential. Some are so bad that I just pass over them, rather than say anything hurtful.
I have a few suggestions that you may want to consider:

I have been waiting for this day for a long time and I’ve been planning this day for a long time. Consider shortening this sentence by combining the verbs; 'waiting for and planning'

Never again will I be called a midget because I’m shorter than everyone in my class. Never again will I be made fun of because I drool a little. Never again will another kid run from me on the playground just because I want to play.ning this day for a long time. I wouldn't start three sentences in a row with the same two words; 'Never again'

I can’t believe things have gotten this bad. I can’t remember a time that I was happy about going to school. I can’t remember a time I could play Again, I would avoid starting three sentences in a row with the same two words; 'I can't'

invited to a sleep over except by my cousins. I don’t tell on them because Using 'them' right after 'cousins' links the two and makes it sound like he doesn't tell on his cousins.

I could make this backpack fit in my locker without a fight and break a face. The last part; 'break a face' doesn't make sense to me.

That's it. These suggestions are my own feelings and I am by no means an expert, so take what you can use and happily discard the rest.

Welcome to WdC! You're going to like it here. I'm sending you some gift points to get you started.
Jim

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

22

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14 days may be credited.

#3923398

Review of LAST BREATH

Review by DeKalb Daddy

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi, and welcome to Writing.com You're going to like it here. The people are great!
Of course, it looks like you are just getting started on this story. So far, I like what you have. There's an early plot twist which is a good hook and makes me want to read more. I'm not sure how indepth you want me to get with punctuation. I know for myself, that I don't like it when reviewers nitpick about my punctuation. I know that I have a lot of punctuation errors when I'm writing my rough drafts. I go back and fix them later. You may be the same way. I'll leave that up to you. If you want me to come back and point more of them out, I will. For now, I'll just point out a few.

“No”, yes. I didn't understand this part.

The police officer aged well over his fifties eyed me warily You need some commas here. The police officer, aged well over his fifties, eyed me warily.

“Martin, It’s Mr Martin,” I glanced over the There should be a period after Mr and a period after Martin because you follow it with a sentence that doesn't contain a statement tag. Here's what I mean. As you have it written, it should be: "Martin, it's Mr. Martin." or you could have written: "Martin, it's Mr. Martin," I said, as I glanced over the... I hope that makes sense.

Dam, my jumper must have Dam should be damn.

heavy weight of the officers body Officers should be officer's, the possessive.

I'm only giving your story three stars because it's just too early to know how good it will be.

I'd like to read more of the story, when you get it finished. Until then, have fun.
Jim

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

23

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14 days may be credited.

#3911564

Review of Imagine Green

Review by DeKalb Daddy

Rated: E

| (3.5)

H, my name is Jim.

This is a good begnning to a story, and you have written lt well.

You seem to have a pretty good handle on grammer and punctuation.

One of the first things that I noticed was the use of the word, 'gray'. For me, it's over used in paragraph three, ( seven times}

There are also some instances of sentence fragments that you may want to look at: 'A little lighter, perhaps.------The color of life, not death----- A future for us, the doomed race.-------Other than the doomed part.'

In general, the descriptons are a little wordy for me, but you still have my attention .I'm lookng forward to some dialogue and conflict.

I have given you my opinions. Feel free to take what you can use and happily discard the rest. I don't know how long you've been writing, but you obviously have talent. Good luck!
Jim

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

24

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14 days may be credited.

#3910831

Review of My Thank You

Review by DeKalb Daddy

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi, my name is Jim. As I always tell people, I hope that you're looking for an honest review. If so, you're in luck, because that's the only kind that I do. If all we ever hear is 'That's great', "Keep up the good work', we don't learn and grow. I find feedback to be one of the best and most important things about this website. Lastly, keep in mind that these are my opinions; whether you agree or not is up to you.
Having said that, I really like your story. Perhaps it's because I was always very close to my grandparents. When they passed, I was crushed, and thought that I would never recover. I'm a sucker for a good, family story.

There were a lot of things that I noticed when reading it. I'm not going to go into all of them because it can become 'nitpicky'.
The biggest thing, for me, was in some of the mechanics. The only line of dialogue is the first sentence. There's nothing wrong with it, if that's your writing style, but if you're not going to use any more than that, I would take it out You use what I refer to as stream-of-consciousness in your writing; you write the story as if you're thinking out loud; again, not necessarily a bad thing. That type of writing can easily lend itself to run-on sentences and sentence fragments, for example, you write:

Always so deep in concentration in whatever he was reading at the time when he was in that chair, until i would shyly come in waiting for him to extend his arms to me so i could climb onto his lap. Such a serious looking man all the time who was always properly groomed and well dressed, even in all of the pictures i’ve seen.

Those are clauses, not sentences. I found a bunch of others, but hopefully, you get the idea. You may want to go back through the story and check them out. If you need any help, drop me a line.

I also found a lot of instances of mixed tenses. I'll give you an example: Why was she acting so horrible to the people who love her most? 'was acting' is past tence; 'love', when used as a verb, is present tense. For this sentence, just change it to 'loved'. Also in that sentence, you should use 'horribly' because it is an adverb modifying the verb 'acting'. The new sentence would read: Why was she acting so horribly toward the people who loved her? And, by the way, using 'loved' in the past tense, doesn't mean that you don't love her now. You're just following syntax rules. Saying 'my heart used to beat wildly at the sight of her', doesn't mean that my heart isn't beating now.

Thank you for letting me read and review your work. It was fun. I invite you to read a short family piece that I wrote called, 'I Remember Papa'. PS (My father died on his 69th birthday.)
Jim

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

25

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14 days may be credited.

#3910182

Review of Silencieux Oubliette (Silent Dungeon)

Review by DeKalb Daddy

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi, my name is Jim. I am a total Newbie, as I have only been on this website for a few days, and have not written anything in three decades. I do, however, love to read and I really enjoyed reading your story. It's not often that a story can grab my attention and hold it as your's did. I noticed a couple of things that you may want to correct:

'What affect us' think about 'What affects us'

that same force that repelled my hand from the stones is the same thing I would experience with any other object. I suggest getting rid of one occurence of the word 'same'

unrepented sin in the heart of most men should be unrepentant (check my spelling) heart should be hearts

That they could hold their power over me and I was helpless to retaliate. sentence fragment

Then the next. fragment (section with the rats)

It's minor stuff. I would reread it and smooth out some of the sentences that are kind of clunky and don't flow too well. The story itself is gripping. One more thing and then I'll leave you alone. As a reader, I realized that you couldn't help making this whole thing a descriptive narative because hey, the guy was stuck in a well. I'm looking forward now to some actual action, dialogue and character interaction.

Good luck!
Jim

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .