Please remember that this is just my opinion and doesn't mean anyone else agrees. Before making any changes, please get more opinions than just mine.
** Plot:Em visits her elderly grandmother who dies then her familt turns up missing. Her grandmother appears and teells her it's up to her to rescue te family and she needs to go out in he forest with the fairy.
** Characters:
Em
mom dad brother grand mother
** Dialog flow:
good
** Time, place, setting:
** What I liked the most:
This is one hell of a good story! Within the first few paragraphs you had my full attention.You brought me to tears and have me in fear wondering what is going to happen in the forest.
** Possible changes:
"Mom said some of these books are rare, that's why she keeps them." Em said " She would never get rid of them. would seems wrong here I'm not sure if it's the wrong tense or passive. It sounds more natural to say she will never get rid of them. I know now. Active speech is present tense and when it's not in quotes it is past tense. (At least I hope that's right....)
There is an extra space before the word she in the following sentence: " She would never get rid of them.
Beside, they will go nicely with Nana's books in the library." According to this website it should be besides: http://grammar.about.com/od/words/a/Beside.htm
There is an extra space before the exclamation point: "Mom ! We're finished with packing the trunk." Em hollered
At ninety-five, Nana - as Em called her -
I don't understand yet how to use hyphens. As Em called her could be set off with commas as I know that's right. The hypens maybe correct also, I don't know.
According to what is written Sue is Grandma's mother. To avoid using so many ands in this sentence the first one could be changed to say: When old Doctor Burford called to say or to tell us When old Doctor Burford called and said she had fallen and broken her collar bone and wrist there was no stopping her mom, Sue.
In the following sentence the comma should be removed after mind. The one dark spot in Ems' mind, was the menacing forest at the back of the yard. Here is the rule for commas that are between a subject and verb: http://www.grammarly.com/handbook/punctuation/comm...
Are Em and Brad late life adoptions? If they aren't, the numbers don't add up and the grandmother @ 95 should be a great grandmother or a great great grandmother to feel like it's not a mistake in the story or there is something odd.
This is a phrase and could be added to the previous sentence. Being stuck in the backseat with her brother, traveling eight-hundred plus miles.
In this paragraph in the last sentence its' should have the apostrophe left off because it is possessive. Here is a link that confirms it:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ITS
Within the same paragraph: The one dark spot in Ems' mind, was the menacing forest at the back of the yard. In the following link are the rules regarding use of possessive apostrophes. It appears to me reading that because Em is a singular person Em's would be more correct.
https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/621/01...
In the same sentence: Both of them loved the mansion's vast open backyard with its' pathways of white gravel weaving down and around the ferns, the gingers and the flower beds and surrounding the old trees. It feels like here should be a comma after flower beds, or better yet to leave out that and.
In the next paragraph: As everyone piled into the car, Em thought of the downside to the trip. Being stuck in the backseat with her brother, traveling eight-hundred plus miles. It would be pure torture. To me it would read more smoothly if it read: Being stuck with he brother, traveling eight-hundred plus miles would be pure terror.
The first letter of Em's is missing the capital letter. As everyone piled into the car, Em thought of the downside to the trip. Being stuck in the backseat with her brother, traveling eight-hundred plus miles. It would be pure torture. He never let up on his pranks, stupid jokes and hideous noises he made with his hands and mouth. The last time they went to Arkansas he let his white mouse loose in the car and it almost caused them to have an wreck. Wayne, ems'
It's hard to tell, but there may be an extra space between thought and he: Em and mom thought he would have a stroke.
A comma goes after Ugh, in the following sentence: Ugh boys!
There is an extra space between and and kept in the following sentence: When they found her, Nana held her tight for hours, and kept telling Em she was safe, and how much they all loved her.
The comma after Wayne is missing. Wayne Ems' dad, pulled into a Holiday Inn Express for the night. They went out to eat and then went back to their room. The guys slept in one bed and the girls in the other.
There is an extra comma before because in the following sentence: Then they proceeded down the road to a cafe that seem to be quiet poplar, because there were cars parked everywhere in the parking lot, and a line was coming out of the door. Here an explanation of why it would be omitted in this sentence: http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar...
A comma is needed after again in the following introductory phrase: Once again Em closed her eyes and thought about how it would be to live with Nana. http://www.grammarly.com/handbook/punctuation/comm...
Letter missing in the following sentence: Nana looked up and threw he hand over her mouth.
Something is missing here: "e came into the front door and Nana called out."
Two sentences in a row start with she here and it's a little awkward: She climbed up and placed the chimes onto the hook next to the window. She heard a little giggle.
Not sure what is meant by the word "on" here: It wasn't surprising though, the entire house had its on amount of mysteriousness with its secret hiding places, fake walls, doors, cabinets and panels.
If the period were to be removed and the Each made into a lowercase letter then it wouldn't be an incomplete sentence. the On the second floor there were five large bedrooms. Each one with its own bathroom.
butler's: Across from the dining room was the kitchen with a large butlers pantry.
In the following sentence Once these were done, she was to give them to her dad who was to mail them. The part in bold is awkward and needs rewording. I'm not sure what to. If it said, Once they were done, she was to give them to her dad to mail" that might work. Or maybe, Once this was done?
In doesn't need to be capitalized in this sentence: Em said they should also put lights In the back lining the entire garden paths and balcony.
Was is a word that is also passive. The first paragraph of the 3rd chapter has too many of them. Are you familiar with editminion.com? It shows you what exactly is passive to know what to correct and it's free. Al;so this paragraph could be broken down to many little ones.
while Nana was taking a nap. while Nana took a nap.
Here is a was that could be gotten rid of:Wayne, was in charge of getting Nana away from the property for a couple of days. It could say Wayne took charge. No comma needed.
the entire grounds and house was humming with activity. This could say: The entire grounds hummed with excitement. Changing a verb to past tense is a way to get rid of one of those pesky wases.
When Sue explained that a few hundred people, that she knew, were coming for her birthday This sounds like it's people Sue knows instead of Grandma.
Em was surprised when she drank, the cup would fill up again. the cup filled up again.
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