This is the second time I've reviewed your work, and both times I've found your pieces to be amazingly philosophical. I really like a lot of your phrases, such as "spiritual crib sheet" and "peaceful meadow of empirically acquired knowledge." The whole piece was very thought provoking, and gave me a lot to think about. It was very well written.
two suggestions:
Let us not have died in vain they sighed --> Let us not have died in vain, they sighed
advantage like this again in future --> advantage like this again in the future
As for the content, wow. It's really food for thought. And I could really feel your anger. It's great.
I really did try to think of some constructive criticism for this, but I can't. I like the cast of characters onboard the Beetle and I really like how the plot is developing. I'm Iooking forward to reading more. I liked this a lot more than the first chapter, I suppose because I'm into the story now. See you at chapter 3!
I clicked on this because of the title -- it's awesome. I like satire, and I like humor, and I've always loved Dr. Seuss, so I thought this was great. I only wish you had developed the concept more and made it longer. It just seems there's never enough good Seuss satire around ...
Overall, I thought this piece was really good at describing the pain of living with an eating disorder, especially the last two sentences. (They're my favorite.) The raw emotion really comes through. I actually read this twice -- the first time through I was a little confused as to what was going on, but once I had figured it I liked it a lot more the second time. My only criticism is that I feel (just my opinion) that sentence fragments can get distracting, (especially when you have an attention span as short as mine.) For example, I thought this sentence fragment would have been better as a full sentence: "The same expression that has creased his usually warm features in the cabin just now while I confessed everything." You also switched tenses once. You started in the present tense, but in this sentence -- "I spun back around to face my lovely, beautiful sunrise" -- you're in the past tense. Otherwise, I thought it was good.
This was a really good sci-fi story. The plot was intriguing, and I'm looking forward to reading more. I also think the imagery was really good, both of the bar and its patrons, and of Athenais. I have only two criticisms. One was that I would have liked a better physical description of Giggles. (I don't understand what you meant by "he couldn't crack a smile without breaking bones." Does that mean he doesn't smile? I wasn't sure.) My second is that when Athenais is speaking to the colonists, I was confused as to who she was speaking to when. You switch between description (e.g. the bearded man) and names, and I couldn't remember which name went with which description. I think I would have been less confused if, after the men introduced themselves, only names were used in dialogue. Other than that, it's really good!
The emotion expressed in your poem is really touching. It made me feel that both you and your girlfriend are pretty lucky. The only reason I rated it as low as I did is because of the many spelling errors. It's a little bit distracting, because a few times I had to stop and think to figure out what word you meant to put there. But other than that, it's really good. It just needs to have the spelling and some of the grammar cleaned up a little.
-Leah
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