The following review is for your entry into "Invalid Item" .
Please note that this review is just my opinion... To know how I rate/review stories read the following "Invalid Item" .
OVERALL:
This was good story about a woman who has a dream about being attacked by a bunch of spiders in the shower. Good job!
TITLE/INTRODUCTION: 8 points
This story started off a little slow, but I liked how you put that little spider in there to set up the story. We knew something was coming.
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: 7 points
I would have liked to have known more about your main character, but that’s probably not what you were going for here. Still, we knew enough. She was a woman who was perfect for a spider attack.
PLOT/STORY/FLOW: 8 points
The story itself was fun, especially when she got attacked by the spiders in the bathroom.
ENDING: 7 points
Good ending in my opinion. I’m thinking it was just a dream due to her lack of concern over being attacked by spiders.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/MISC: 8 points
Not many that I noticed. The main issues were with comma usage.
SUGGESTIONS:
To read up on commas, where they should go and where they shouldn’t. Great job! Good luck in the contest.
Not part of a group or looking to join another? Try one of these! They’re just getting started here so let’s give them our support!
"Invalid Item"
"Invalid Item"
The following review is for your entry into "Invalid Item" .
Please note that this review is just my opinion... To know how I rate/review stories read the following "Invalid Item" .
OVERALL:
This was a stretch if it was meant to be a modern adaptation of the story of Job, but nonetheless it was an amazing story. Job is a man that went through life without worries. He was able to get by without trying and was respected by people even though he was too unaware to notice. Job was happy living in his own daydream day by day, but after meeting the Devil, he became more aware of the reality of the world that we live in and didn’t like it. This was a great, humorous story and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
TITLE/INTRODUCTION: 9 points
It was a good hook to the story. You learned a bit about Job and the humor in the first paragraph set the tone for the rest of the story.
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: 10 points
Job was the epitome of what I would call a dynamic character. The way you wrote this allowed us to empathize with Job. We also learned a lot about him in the process. Great supporting characters too. Go Amit!!!
PLOT/STORY/FLOW: 10 points
This was a great story. It flowed well, didn’t linger on anything too long, and the plot was terrific.
ENDING: 10 points
It was a great ending. We don’t know whether Job was crazy or if he actually met the Devil, but in Job’s mind, he beat the Devil so we’re happy for him.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/MISC: 8 points
Actually, Job’s parents, Bob and Marcia, gave him his name after flipping through a bible looking for a name that “sounded really damn holy.”
Bible should be capitalized.
The only reason they used a bible at all was that Marcia’s parents insisted that Job be named from to bible, to counterbalance the fact that he was born 2 months after Bob and Marcia married, and otherwise he would go to hell, and no one would want that
Named from the* bible
Basically he did what exactly what the class demanded.
Basically(,) he did exactly what the class demanded. No first “what”
composed his immediate surroundings .
There’s an extra space after surroundings.
Naturally, the devil is very patient.
“Devil” should be capitalized.
“No thanks, man. I don’t think that I need any – (job caught himself) more – intelligence.”
“Job” should be capitalized.
Job stepped into the bag accidentally while walking by and didn’t think wonder why he was filming it until Amit pointed out that there was a bag on his foot outside the bar.
Take out the word “think”.
Amit readied himself for the punchline, and then remember he was talking to someone who was quite possible too dumb to make jokes.
Punch line* Remembered*
Thanking god (should he exist) that it was a Friday (or, at least it was two hours ago), Job staggered back to his apartment.
The sentence starting with the word “although” turns this sentence into a fragment.
It wasn’t until Butcher street that he figured this out, as before this he had been stifling each absolutely useless observation that his mind had been making about his utterly mundane surroundings.
“Street” should be capitalized.
SUGGESTIONS:
My only suggestions are the above edits. Once you make those I’ll happily come back and up my rating. Great job! Good luck in the contest.
Not part of a group or looking to join another? Try one of these! They’re just getting started here so let’s give them our support!
"Invalid Item"
"Invalid Item"
The following review is for your entry into "Invalid Item" .
Please note that this review is just my opinion... To know how I rate/review stories read the following "Invalid Item" .
OVERALL:
A good story about a man whose village/town is attacked. It was confusing at first, and I had to read it a couple of times to understand what was going on, but once I did I enjoyed it fully. I was especially happy with your use of first person. It’s the way I like to write, and a lot of people make the mistake of not being descriptive enough when writing first person, but you didn’t. You had the full first person package in this story. Your character had thoughts, emotions, and physical feelings.
TITLE/INTRODUCTION: 8 points
It was a good hook to the story. You filled me with a bunch of questions from your first paragraph making me want to read on.
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: 7 points
He was a good character, like I said with thoughts and emotions, but I would have liked to have known more about his past and maybe even his name. Maybe some memories of his life with Claire. He had one memory and that was of him playing in a forest, and that memory was brief.
PLOT/STORY/FLOW: 7 points
It was a good plot and a good story, but like I said, I had to read it a few times to get the full enjoyment out of it. I think you should let us know what’s happening instead of having us piece together the clues. Personal opinion, though.
ENDING: 8 points
It was a great ending. After all, what better way for a person to die than after a nice little fight and with thoughts of his wife.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/MISC: 8 points
I can not sit here and rest any longer.
Cannot* If you separate the two it usually means you can do it, but you’re choosing not to. Since your character is running from something or has somewhere to go, he doesn’t have a choice to sit and rest.
I can not be delayed. I can not
Cannot*
For a brief time I may grant my body it's wish.
Its*
I know it's purpose and it's meaning.
Its*
My heart slows and becomes a faint echo as it thumps it's way to oblivion.
It’s*
SUGGESTIONS:
To sum everything up, this was a good story. I feel that with a little fine tuning, you could clue the reader in a little better as to what was going on in the story so that they wouldn’t have to search for clues. Good luck in the contest.
Not part of a group or looking to join another? Try one of these! They’re just getting started here so let’s give them our support!
"Invalid Item"
"Invalid Item"
The following review is brought to you by "Invalid Item" . Want to gift someone a present and help a group? Visit "Invalid Item" .
Please note that this review is just my opinion...
OVERALL:
This was a good little poem written about your daughter when she was younger. I could feel the joy that the two of you shared during those moments through this piece. Good work!
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/MISC:
None I could see.
FLOW/RHYTHM:
The piece was a free verse consisting of nine stanzas. Though a free verse, the piece flowed well.
SUGGESTIONS:
I would add a few more punctuations at the end of the lines. It started out with them, then they tapered off a bit towards the end. Good job! I like the little emoticons you put in there.
Check out these contests!
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1701109 by Not Available.
The following review is brought to you by "Invalid Item" . Want to gift someone a present and help a group? Visit "Invalid Item" .
Please note that the following is just my opinion…
OVERALL:
This one didn’t tell us as much, which was a good thing as it just showed what Tia knew. I felt it a nice little addition when you put Marcus, her brother, in this back story. It’s sad that he couldn’t tell her who he really was. :*(
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/MISC:
None I could see.
SUGGESTIONS:
No suggestions. This was perfect.
* * *
Check out these contests!
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1701109 by Not Available.
The following review is brought to you by "Invalid Item" . Want to gift someone a present and help a group? Visit "Invalid Item" .
Please note that the following is just my opinion…
OVERALL:
Another dark tale, this one being about a wizard named Troy Andrew Spellman. Again, a great background for a character, and can’t think of anything more you can add to make us know him more. Good job.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/MISC:
He will go to great lenghts to protect her
Lengths*
Troy's dad heared screams coming from next door.
heard*
Troy who by this time had called Seth, saw though a window his father bring a very scare Tia over .
Troy,* who by this time had called Seth, saw through* a window his father bring a very scared* Tia over.
One day while working at King's Cross Station: Platform 9 and 3/4, he happen to see a picture in the Daily Prophet of Hogsmeade being attack.
He happened* to see…
When Seth seen it, he asked Troy why was he interested in David Valentine.
When Seth saw* it…
SUGGESTIONS:
My only suggestions are the above edits. Nice job! I finally get to read Tia’s background which is who this story seems to be centered around.
* * *
Check out these contests!
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1701109 by Not Available.
The following review is brought to you by "Invalid Item" . Want to gift someone a present and help a group? Visit "Invalid Item" .
Please note that the following is just my opinion…
OVERALL:
Another amazing biography. These back stories just keep getting darker and darker with each person. You’re very thorough and hopefully you will find ways to put these backgrounds into your actual story.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/MISC:
Tara dislikes the black forest of Germany due to nightmares she has had most of her life.
Capitalize “Black Forest”
“Your back, Enkelin.” Grandma leaned back and smiled.
You’re*
SUGGESTIONS:
My only suggestions are the above edits. Nice job! I saw you joined the group. Welcome aboard, and I hope you have fun. See you around!
* * *
Check out these contests!
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1701109 by Not Available.
The following review is brought to you by "Invalid Item" . Want to gift someone a present and help a group? Visit "Invalid Item" .
Please note that the following is just my opinion…
OVERALL:
This was another great and complete character bio. I can visualize Adal and empathize with her. This is definitely going to be an epic story. With each bio I read, I like how you linked the characters to each other. This story will be an epic one if you decide to write it.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/MISC:
her first being gotten when she was eleven:
Her first being received*
SUGGESTIONS:
My only suggestions is the above edit. Nice job! Good luck with this!
* * *
Check out these contests!
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1701109 by Not Available.
The following review is brought to you by "Invalid Item" . Want to gift someone a present and help a group? Visit "Invalid Item" .
Please note that the following is just my opinion…
OVERALL:
This was a great and thorough background to your character Seth Wright. It looks like you’ve got everything covered as far as back story, looks, and personality. Though I don’t know much about creating characters for role-playing games, I know a lot about mapping out characters for stories, so looks like you have a good reference for yourself here.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/MISC:
He loved his sister very much. He excelled at all his studies though his studious studying.
Through* his studious studying.
Seth got the owl that William was died when Marcus was about 15
Take out the word “was”.
Marcus was found died in the woods behind the Orphanage
Marcus was found dead*
SUGGESTIONS:
My only suggestions are the above edits. Nice job!
* * *
Check out these contests!
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1701109 by Not Available.
The following review is brought to you by "Invalid Item" . Want to gift someone a present and help a group? Visit "Invalid Item" .
Please note that this review is just my opinion...
OVERALL:
This was a nice little poem about a construction project that the author had observed a few years back. It was short and sweet.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/MISC:
None that I could see.
FLOW/RHYTHM:
The piece was a free verse consisting of six lines. Though a free verse, the piece flowed well.
SUGGESTIONS:
I feel you could expand on it a little more. It was nice how it was, but I would like to see some personal feelings in this piece. Did the sounds bother you? How did the house turn out? Anyway, it was still a good piece. Yay!
Check out these contests!
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1701109 by Not Available.
The following review is brought to you by "Invalid Item" . Want to gift someone a present and help a group? Visit "Invalid Item" .
Please note that this review is just my opinion...
OVERALL:
This was a good little poem about a person who’s having a bad day. I’m guessing this person’s friend is having a bad day as well and he’s trying to cheer that person up. Good metaphor with the “cloudy day” thing. There’s just a couple of things that need looking at.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/MISC:
when I fell something is amiss
I think you mean “Feel” not “Fell”.
lets make merry and just be gay.
let’s*
not all storys will be happy and funny.
Stories*
FLOW/RHYTHM:
The piece has an AABB pattern and consists of three stanzas. To me, the first stanza’s flow was different than the rest of the stanzas. The lines were significantly shorter so I feel you should look at that.
SUGGESTIONS:
My only suggestions are to make the above edits and to look at the first stanza. This was a good little piece. Good luck in the contest this was entered for! Have a good week!
Check out these contests!
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1701109 by Not Available.
"Invalid Item" wish WDC a Wonderful 10th Birthday!
This is a wonderful contest for stories with twist. I usually try to incoporporate twists into almost everything I write so this contest and I are a perfect match. This forum offers great prizes, provides clear and concise rules, and has an open prompt to allow participants to write their own stories. I look forward to entering every round!
"Invalid Item" wish WDC a Wonderful 10th Birthday!
This is a fun contest that challenges writers to write in a specific genre. With several genres to choose from every month this is a contest that anyone can enter. The rules are well laid out and the prizes are worth the effort for new pieces of writing. Thanks for making contest I'll be sure to enter every round!
"Invalid Item" wish WDC a Wonderful 10th Birthday!
The following review is brought to you by "Invalid Item" . Want to gift someone a present and help a group? Visit "Invalid Item" .
Please note that this review is just my opinion...
OVERALL:
This was an enjoyable introduction to what will probably be an amazing story one day. I know this is just a prelude, but I would have liked the scene set a little more so I could imagine where they were. In other words, just a tad more description. Good job and hope to see more of this!
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION/MISC:
With a quick smile and a nod, the girl darted into the house, and the lady watched her elven child follow his friend with hungry eyes. Elfin*
SUGGESTIONS:
Just the thing I mentioned about adding more description. Continue the story. It’s a keeper! Have a good week!
Not part of a group or looking to join another? Try one of these! They’re just getting started here so let’s give them our support!
"Invalid Item"
"Invalid Item"
"Invalid Item" wish WDC a Wonderful 10th Birthday!
The following review is brought to you by "Invalid Item" . Want to gift someone a present and help a group? Visit "Invalid Item" .
Please note that this review is just my opinion...
OVERALL: This was a nice poem written for the Traditional Poetry Contest. I think any significant other would be flattered by this. Everyone has a soft spot for poetry. However, I feel that a few edits will improve this piece.
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION/MISC:
We sat and chat, Bout this and that “Bout” should be “ ’bout ”.
Then Id get sad so you'd come out I’d*
Id scream and cry I’d*
I run this, Im the boss Put in quotations since you put everything else she said in quotes. I’m*
FLOW/RHYTHM: The piece flowed great. It had an ABCB pattern and consist of eight stanzas.
SUGGESTIONS: Great poem! Good luck in the contest. Have a good week!
Not part of a group or looking to join another? Try one of these! They’re just getting started here so let’s give them our support!
"Invalid Item"
"Invalid Item"
"Invalid Item" wish WDC a Wonderful 10th Birthday!
The following review is brought to you by "Invalid Item" . Want to gift someone a present and help a group? Visit "Invalid Item" .
Please note that this review is just my opinion...
OVERALL: This great poem written for the Traditional Poetry Contest. It has a good message as well. Though things we build may eventually fall, we will still retain the knowledge and strength we gained from building it in the first place. I also thought the picture was a nice touch. Good job!
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION/MISC: None that I could find.
FLOW/RHYTHM: The piece flowed great. It had an ABCABC pattern and consist of three stanzas.
SUGGESTIONS: Great poem! Good luck in the contest. Have a good week!
Not part of a group or looking to join another? Try one of these! They’re just getting started here so let’s give them our support!
"Invalid Item"
"Invalid Item"
"Invalid Item" wish WDC a Wonderful 10th Birthday!
The following review is brought to you by "Invalid Item" . Want to gift someone a present and help a group? Visit "Invalid Item" .
Please note that the following is just my opinion…
OVERALL:
This was a good story about a girl who realizes in the death of a close friend that she hasn’t been living life to her fullest. You do a great job with the emotions of your character. We all question things after someone close to us dies. However, there are a few edits that need making.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/MISC:
I had grown up in a family where I never knew my father while my mother who owned her own fashion line could not offer me any of her time.
Comma after “mother”, comma after “line”.
They would scold me when I needed it, and cry with me when I failed.
No comma necessary after “it”.
It was 5.30 and the first of the guests had started to arrive.
5:30*
It was only after Steve’s passing that I realized how fragile life really was.Now, I was missing him.
Space(s) between the sentences.
Steve’s dead, and hate how I’m so insensitive and cruel.
And I* hate
she knew what I felt.
Capital “she”.
She pulled me into an embrace and I cried into her shoulder as she stroked my hair.
Comma after “embrace”.
SUGGESTIONS:
My suggestions are to make the above edits. You’re I also think you should introduce Ray. When he first appears I’m confused as to who he is because he didn’t have a proper introduction. Good story nonetheless. Enjoy your week!
Not part of a group or looking to join another? Try one of these! They’re just getting started here so let’s give them our support!
"Invalid Item"
"Invalid Item"
The following review is brought to you by "Invalid Item" . Want to gift someone a present and help a group? Visit "Invalid Item" .
Please note that the following is just my opinion...
OVERALL:
This was a good story and hopefully it was an intro to a longer story. You do well in setting up your characters, so it would suck to let these dynamic people’s story end here. In fact, the only thing I really thought needed revisions was the dialogue. (see suggestions)
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/MISC:
Its jasmine green.
It’s*
“Damn YOU Kai, sipping on tea at a time like this, when I have crazy hopping fanatics right outside yelling with plank cards, “Free the Aliens! Anti Alien Cruelty! Cruel Humans!” Iora yelled back.
I would change the quotations in the quotations to an apostrophe and close it.
He continued.“Allow me to explain...
Spaces after the “.”
SUGGESTIONS:
My suggestions are to make the above edits. The thing mentioned above about the dialogues is that you have more than one person speaking in one paragraph. I found this to be confusing. It’s pretty much given that when different people talk, it should be put in a different paragraph. I did enjoy the entire piece very much. It was a nice little sci-fi story. Good luck if this was for a contest. Great job!
Not part of a group or looking to join another? Try one of these! They’re just getting started here so let’s give them our support!
"Invalid Item"
"Invalid Item"
The following review is brought to you by "Invalid Item" . Want to gift someone a present and help a group? Visit "Invalid Item" .
OVERALL:
This was a great tribute to someone who has helped you to improve your writing. We all would be lost in this hobby of ours without people to point us in the right direction. There’s no better way to thank someone than publically and for everyone to read. I’m sure kjo just groovin' will be touched.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/MISC:
None that I could see.
SUGGESTIONS:
No suggestions. This was mainly to give your piece five stars. I enjoyed the tribute very much. Good luck if this was for a contest. Great job!
Not part of a group or looking to join another? Try one of these! They’re just getting started here so let’s give them our support!
"Invalid Item"
"Invalid Item"
The following review is brought to you by "Invalid Item"
Please note that this review is just my opinion...
OVERALL:
This was a great story about cultural differences. I was surprised at how detailed it was in so few words. It did end a little too abruptly for me, but it didn’t take too much away from the story.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/MISC:
And so everything went
Period after “went”.
SUGGESTIONS:
My suggestions are to make the above edit and try and find a way to give it a more complete ending. Don’t get me wrong, though. I enjoyed the entire piece very much. Good luck if this was for a contest.
Not part of a group or looking to join another? Try one of these! They’re just getting started here so let’s give them our support!
"Invalid Item"
"Invalid Item"
The following review is brought to you by "Invalid Item" . Want to gift someone a present and help a group? Visit "Invalid Item" . Reviews are done by "Invalid Item" members.
Please note that this review is just my opinion...
This was great. I learned something new. I think I was subconciously aware of alliteration, but I didn't realize it, nor did I know it had a name. Both of those types of those concepts are actually great for horror stories as you said. Use W's and L's to set the scene and then use alliteration when the horror begins. I think this will also be great for people writing in first person narratives as they're telling a story and need to control their audience. I also like the homework you gave at the end. All in all this was a very helpful article that will greatly improve people's writing.
Not part of a group or looking to join another? Try one of these! They’re just getting started here so let’s give them our support!
"Invalid Item"
"Invalid Item"
The following review is brought to you by "Invalid Item" . Want to gift someone a present and help a group? Visit "Invalid Item" . Reviews are done by "Invalid Item" members.
Please note that this review is just my opinion...
This is a great article on how you like to do twisted endings. I agree for the most part, and I too love twisted endings. Leaving subtle hints throughout a story is a good way to make a twist seem plausible. But why does every story have to leave the reader happy? I think it's more important that a story be complete than have a happy ending. I'd say the better word would be satisfied. Granted, most of my stories are comedic, but my little twist in my port is sometimes you come across a story that rips the carpet right out from under you and leaves people thinking "did he just go there". But I agree with you 100 percent on the twist part. Twists make stories fun.
Not part of a group or looking to join another? Try one of these! They’re just getting started here so let’s give them our support!
"Invalid Item"
"Invalid Item"
The following review is brought to you by "Invalid Item"
This is a great batch of contest entries, fantasies, and romance. I've browsed through all your stuff, and you are one heck of a fantasy writer. I'm a lover and a reader of it, but it's on of the "I wish I could" genre's. Working on the Sword Of Truth series by Terry Goodkind. I'm on book 9. Woo!
The following review is brought to you by "Invalid Item"
Please note that this review is just my opinion...
OVERALL: This is a good poem about a person’s feelings and thoughts on America’s National Anthem. I can feel the patriotism in the piece. I feel, though, that there are a couple times where the flow is broken (see FLOW/RHYTH)
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION/MISC: None I could see.
FLOW/RHYTHM: It had an ABCB pattern. The piece flowed well for the most part. However, there were two lines that seemed to break the flow.
To be anything else, is no contest
Yet I’d not be in any other place
The amount of syllables in these lines made a jumble when reading it.
SUGGESTIONS: Great poem! My only suggestions are to revise those two lines somehow. Have a good week!
Not part of a group or looking to join another? Try one of these! They’re just getting started here so let’s give them our support!
"Invalid Item"
"Invalid Item"
The following review is brought to you by "Invalid Item"
Please note that this review is just my opinion...
OVERALL:
What the heck??? I don’t know what it was about this story, but I found myself cracking up. Though short, this was a good story. The narration was dead on and added humor to the story. I had a brief stint in Portland where there are a lot of girls named “Rain” or “Spring” and so on. I’m guessing you wrote this for a flash fiction contest. Good luck if you did. If you didn’t, hopefully you continue the piece. Great job.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/MISC:
None that I could find.
SUGGESTIONS:
My only suggestion is to hopefully expand on this one day. Have a good weekend!
Not part of a group or looking to join another? Try one of these! They’re just getting started here so let’s give them our support!
"Invalid Item"
"Invalid Item"
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ishippen
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.14 seconds at 1:40am on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
