I enjoyed reading your story: "I Love You Forever" , and would like to offer some thoughts I had about your work. I am not a professional editor so any recommendations I make have more to do with my emotions and feelings.
Overall Impression
Love and relationship is close to the divine, and to have something that is real and fulfilling, brings stability, health and riches that can't be measured materially. Your story makes my heart yearn for the gift of love that your characters share.
Images
How you describe what he sees in his love, “shining brighter than the starts”, “her hair flowing around as they twirled,” are wonderful images. Their dance, their first Christmas, their afternoons under the apple trees, their future are all tangible and memorable.
Theme
I enjoy the theme of love that transcends this material world. When souls are wed together in a union of love, there is a continual courting and serving one another that does last forever.
My Favorite
”...remember I will always be with you. I love you, forever. You will make a wonderful husband someday.”
Recommendations
The one recommendation I have is to make the day spent alone an actual flash back scene to the greatest day the couple spent together. It would give you the opportunity to create a story where the reader is shown more who the couple is together, requiring less narration, adding more vibrancy.
Also there were some mistakes in grammar and word choice. I noted a couple here:
{dropnote:”Some Corrections”}
1.) He was suddenly awoken around 5 a,m....
1.Suggested: “He woke up suddenly around 5 a.m.
2. He thought he would have withdraws without hearing...
2. Suggested: “He thought he would have withdrawals without hearing...”
Reflections
Your story is filled with great images and a universal theme and plot. A rewrite that expands the story to include scenes of the two lovers together in the fullness of their life would bring a wonderful dimension to the piece.
I read your story: "Wrath and Army" , and would like to offer some thoughts I had about your work. I am not a professional editor and any recommendations I make have more to do with my preferences than actual qualifications as a professional reviewer.
Overall Impression
I picked your story from the Newbies Forum on WdC. I was impressed to read your story because I am gathering as much elf lore as I can and I found your perspective intriguing.
Character
I like Trianna. She is a leader, respected and looked up too, but with the normal qualities that make for complex characters.
Dialogue
The dialogue is created to provoke responses and reaction from others and it does a good job of staying motivational and responsive. The exception is the conversation between Gorga and Chanan. The interaction between the two is well done and moves the story ahead nicely.
Plot
There is a lot of the plot of your story contained in this chapter. Trianna rises to power over some combined forces against Gorga, the evil tyrant. The writing is on the wall, Gorga is going down and this part of the story sets everything in place particularly well.
Grammar/Punctuation
No edits were needed that I was aware of.
What I Liked The Best
When Gorga rages at Chanan about the shifter tooth:The Shifter Tooth, the Shifter Tooth! Did I or did I not tell you to find and destroy that tooth before the eps got it!
Superbly crafted chapter. Keep up the good work.
Write On!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** IWW______________
I picked your article from the Read a Newbie Forum on Writing.com. I was amused and provoked by your writing and wanted to share a short review of your article: "National Security" .
Overall Impression
There is a certain cynical beauty in the way that entities and powers that are designed initially to protect a citizenry, can become that people's worst nightmare. Satire works best, in my opinion, when the thing that is the focus of the satire has hyper-extended its reason for existence and now is a comedic representation of its former glory.
Reasoning
I like the reasoning, though tongue in cheek and satirical, giving the NSA full access to our lives would certainly ease their moral and ethical issues. It certainly makes sense to take the pretense out of government where ever possible.
Theme
How much control, influence and intrusion into the private life of American citizens is a great theme and approaching it with dark humor is a great way to push through the every day sound bites. Grammar/Punctuation
I did not come across any grammatical problems.
What I Liked The Best
I especially enjoyed the phrase, “...these people, and indeed everyone, should be thanking the government for taking such a concern...” Great conclusion.
Recommendations
If you decided to expand the piece or do some revision, my only recommendation would be to add an example of how the life of an average shmo, I mean citizen, would look under the new order.
I appreciated your insights and thank you for exploring the realities of how American freedoms are under constant attack.
Write on!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** IWW_________
I read your poem: "Expendable" , and would like to offer some thoughts about the feelings I had for your work. I am not a professional editor and any recommendations I make have more to do with my preferences than actual qualifications as a professional reviewer.
Overall Impression
Old soldiers never die, someone takes a bullet and we live on. We are just expendable is all. To survive war is almost a death in itself. Those that have been expended are not gone. They remain in the shadows, ghosts for those who survive.
Images
There are seven images that stand out to me: “Shadow”, “Watching”, “ghost”, “Survive”, “War”, “Track”, “Bullet”. They evoke strong emotions. An entity in my soul has been trained in war. I kill. Words. Thoughts. Curses. Hate. Oh I am tracking you. Only the ignorant don’t believe they kill. Gossip killed my mother. She’s dead. Word. Bullets. There is blood on their hands. They are the ghosts. They are the shadows. Tracking, ever tracking.
Rhythm and Rhyme
The flow of the poem is rough. I acknowledge this is possibly intentional. But I think there are some throw away words that can be eliminated to improve flow, which is as important for impact as the meaning of the key words themselves . The line “…survive war you have to become…” I know the feeling you are going for but it could read more succinctly “You survive war, you become war”. It’s a strong point of your poem. This is just one example. My overall suggestion is to eliminate every passive word. “you”, “have”, “to”, “These”, “Type”, “of” “or” etc. Most of your strong words don’t need any modifiers or conjunctions to make the meaning of your poem clear.
The rhythm and tone and pitch in your poem will change dramatically with these trimmings.
Theme
I felt the theme of your poem was that war is like breathing. It exists to make all things exist. Without it, there would be no existence. Not a pacifist, I know the truth of this violent and unpopular notion. But I’ve seen loving sisters kill each other with words, looks, gossip. It’s all war and it’s all brutal. Sisters don’t keep track of their body count.
The theme is held up through the whole poem.
Grammar/Punctuation
I agree that little to no punctuation was needed. In fact as you eliminate passive words you may want to get rid of the commas to maintain the structure. The thought stream will be consistent with the elimination of a lot of the passive words.
What I Liked The Best
When they get pitch black only one thing exists
Track ‘em, Find “em, Kill ‘em
“…got each other’s backs …would take a bullet…team…be expendable.”
The images are powerful and the association of war with our everyday lives is honest and right on.
I read your story: "So Not Normal" , and would like to offer the thoughts I had about your work. I am not a professional editor and any recommendations I make have more to do with my preferences than actual qualifications as a professional reviewer.
Overall Impression
I love the interaction between the main character, Bridgette and Nicole. It is not a world I am familiar with but I like the tone of the main character as she approaches her world. I guess the word is sardonic.
Character
Bridgette and Nicole are perfect. They make the story fun to read.
Dialogue
The interaction between the characters seemed natural and flowed well with the narrative.
Setting
A great reminder of the impossible world of high school and the normalizing that happens as teens find a way to cope.
Plot
The beginning was clear as was the central action. I'm sure the plot relates more to the over all dynamics of the book you are writing, but the story is moving forward as Nicole's selfishness is weighed against the main character's self absorption.
Grammar/Punctuation
You may want to add the word “call” to the sentence: "Nicole is what you might___a,umm, runt.” Also you should change the word “and” to “an” in the sentence: "Addy's an exception to the rule.”
What I Liked The Best
The scene where all the “friends since kindergarten” gather. As the main character is in her head and bothered by Nicole's selfishness, she misses the point of the conversation completely. Excellent irony.
Recommendations
When Nicole greets the main character whose reaction is “Uuh great!”. It might tie together with more clarity if Nicole's greeting was “Howya doin?” instead of “Whatcha doin?”
I appreciate the help you have given me in getting started. As part of my encouragement back to you here is a short review of your article: "Anointed To Prepare The Next Generation" .
Overall Impression
I liked the unique way you introduce the elders of Israel as part of the Moses/People crisis. You draw the historical references into the issue of teaching and training the next generation of Christian leaders well and bring a unique perspective to an old debate.
Setting
Though this is an essay/article, you did a good job creating the setting for the historical characters and action. The setting and people become a living example of the principle and theme of your article.
Theme
The theme of education and training is well set up by the crisis that the nation of Israel goes through and speculation about how the next generation is to be prepared is well developed.
Grammar/Punctuation
I did not come across any grammatical problems.
What I Liked The Best
I especially enjoyed the images of the people that the elders of Israel were going to have to lead in the future. I also like the conclusion that is drawn by your article, that the elders do have a primary responsibility in the church to train the future generations of Christian leaders.
Recommendations
The only thing you might consider is expanding the article to acknowledge some of the great elders in this day of the church that are at work training the next generation.
I appreciated your insights and opening up some discussion about leadership in the church that my current groups have yet to explore.
I read your story: "A Pumpkin Harvest Hoedown" , and would like to offer the thoughts I had about your work. I am not a professional editor and any recommendations I make have more to do with my preferences than actual qualifications as a professional reviewer.
Overall Impression
I liked many of the images you created. The valley, the dance, the scene in the moonlight.
Character
Derrick, Darren and Sheila all work for me, though I am probably most curious about Miranda.
Dialogue
The interaction between the characters seemed natural and flowed well with the narrative.
Setting
I like the way Capella Valley was pictured. I think more could be done with the barn scene, especially the transition into it.
Plot
The beginning was clear as was the central action and issue that needed resolving. Ending needed to be stronger. There is a rough spot where Eric takes Sheila outside. It could have been expanded to include what is happening around them.
Grammar/Punctuation
Correct the sentence: "...up from the floor as Miranda took Derrick's hand..." Also: "...besides all of that, does it look like..."
What I Liked The Best
I especially enjoyed the images that reminded me of fall in the small valley I grew up in. I enjoyed the scene with Sheila dancing and the dance scene overall.
Recommendations
As mentioned before, I would expand Eric's exit with Sheila.
I gave this story four stars because it needed some closer editing and could use a smoother transition from the home scene into the barn and from the barn out into the moonlight.
I read your story: "Slop Bucket Road" , and would like to offer some thoughts I had about your work. I am not a professional editor and any recommendations I make have more to do with my preferences than actual qualfications as a professional reviewer.
Overall Impression
Your story was a joy to read. Miss Zipporah is wonderfully portrayed and I would have loved to have met her.
Character
The Doctor and Miss Zipporah are very memorable characters.
Dialogue
The dialogue is believable and adds a delicious flavor to the story.
Setting
I love the pictures that you give the reader of the hill country of Georgia with its sublime vistas of the world’s oldest mountains.
Plot
The plot is a natural with the beginning, middle and end all solidly developed.
Grammar/Punctuation
I did not find any errors.
What I Liked The Best
I enjoyed the end of the story the best. As the pacemaker improves Miss Zipporah’s life and she remains a part of the doctor’s life well beyond his earlier expectations. The fact that the doctor comes to love Rabun County adds just the right touch of irony.
I enjoyed your story and hope that it becomes part of a larger work.
IWW
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