This was a truly enjoyable piece! I don't give five stars very often, but I must say that this deserves 10! The humour is conveyed cleverly -- sarcasm mixed with irony and plain old truth. I loved every word! Wonderfully written. The characters jumped off the screen and came to life. I feel as if I know these people (and could relate to the frozen dinner part!).
Hopefully, not all marriages seem this way after 15 years!
Good piece of advice and a fair commentary. I completely agree with you. We should be rewriting the work of others. Everyone is here to learn and to gain feedback (I'm assuming). Let the editors of magazines and such hack our pieces apart, right?
I hear you, for sure!
Because this was listed under "Educational" and "Advice/How-To", I was expecting to see a few pointers on how to do a good review of poetry. This piece only tells me how not to insult reviewees.
This review was done on behalf of the "Invalid Item" .
Overall impression: The overall plot of this first chapter was very charming and intriguing. I liked the innocent relationship of these two forbidden lovers. And I was enchanted by the magical setting. I think this is a very promising beginning which I imagine will take you on your own adventure in learning what you characters would like you to write next
Some praise: You had some beautiful phrases throughout this chapter which literally took me into your world for a moment or two. Some of these were:
The couple raced through a lush green forest and burst out the other side of the trees onto a vast open plain. To anyone else, it was just a flat, dead grassland in which anything of color or beauty had long ceased to grow. But Mickel and Sirila knew better.
Sirila looked skyward, raised her hand high above her crowned head, and shouted, "Fly to me, my pretty winged one!"
“the roses bloomed as bright as a thousand jewels glittering in the sunlight. It was not difficult to see why Sirila had nicknamed this magical meadow "Pink Ocean." Nice job!
Pearl the pegasus tossed her head and her light blue mane shook. She touched her silver horn to the ground and instantly the air around her began to gleam. A swirl of light appeared in the center of the dry grass plane, small at first and then rapidly growing to cover the whole area.
They lay there that day, embedded by shocks of pink and scarlet and cream, staring up at the cerulean horizon, fingers intertwined in the lush green grass between them.
Things to consider: I thought your descriptions were whimsical and I got a good impression of the setting. However, sometimes the wordiness of them distracted me from your characters. This is something I tend to do too. The trick is to keep it simple, with just enough descriptors to make an impact. I would just take another swipe at it and decide which ones are really the grabbers.
Her long, softly curling light brown hair and sparkling green eyes shone especially bright today. Perhaps it was the way her silver princess tiara glimmered in the sun and contrasted against her cinnamon colored locks.
Too much description of the hair makes this paragraph a little overdone. Tighten up the writing by describing her hair one time only. I like the “cinnamon-colored locks”. A nice, fairy-tale description.
a tail the color of a pale blue rushing river
There are too many descriptors here. In the end, your beautiful imagery is dulled. Pick one or two really dramatic descriptors. (ie: a tail the color of a winter creek). I’m not sure that a rushing river is pale blue. I’d check this out. Otherwise, you also have the option of finding out the exact name of the shade of blue. Crayola crayons have some pretty neat shade names.
Techie things
cerulean blue
Repetition – cerulean is a shade of blue, so you don’t need to say “blue” again.
This was the time when a blue jay may have flown along side a creamy Pegasus
“alongside” is one word.
And so, with that said, we begin our tale. Once upon a time...
Just a personal preference. I don’t think it’s needed here.
It was a brilliant, glowing day in
Paragraph breaks sporadic and a bit distracting. Skip a space every time there’s a new paragraph or a new speaker.
Her long, softly curling light brown hair and sparkling green eyes shone especially bright today
Already established in your intro paragraphs that this was far, far in the past. More accurate to say “that day”.
A bit of repetition: “Mickel, you know perfectly well why. My father is the king of Dertrayg. I am princess. He hired you as a stable boy when you were six years old out of pity for your starvation. And since long before we came about this world, it has been considered preposterous for two people of as different situations as we to even converse,” Sirila answered flatly.
This paragraph does a better job at describing the relationship between the two as well as their reason for keeping their relationship secret. A few paragraphs before, this was described again. I don’t think that preliminary paragraph is needed. It would read better without learning the same thing twice.
In all, I think this is a promising start. I did enjoy the story!
Keep on writing! And we hope to see your next chapter soon.
What a good poem! The rhythm and rhyming flowed very smoothly. It almost seemed like a nursery rhyme that children would sing as they jumped rope in the schoolyard.
This rule/message is one that this world needs to review often.
What a touching poem. I cannot imagine the pain of not knowing where a loved-one is -- especially your own child. If this is a true account, I pray that you get some news soon.
The poem was very emotional. I like your rhyming, and the way you use a central object to weave feelings and images around. I can tell that you probably keep things because of sentiment and nostalgia, like me .
The rhythm wasn't as smooth, but I think it worked for all of the things that had to be said here.
I found a few typos and just wanted to point them out:
Now everyday we say a prayer
Separate every and day.
This was a compelling story written and tied up in such a short space. I do believe it takes a special effort to craft successful flash fiction -- something that was accomplished well here.
Although it was only written in about 1,000 words, I felt as though I'd been taken right into the painting with you. The scenes were described in a way that made them come alive. "My white dress billowed around me as I struggled to smooth it and hold onto my parasol.
And the thoughts of the narrator were descriptive enough to help me get to know the author. "I had just said goodbye to the love of my life, watching him ride away, knowing in my heart I would never feel so much for anyone again.
In the transition from present to past, I became a little confused about what I was seeing. I didn't understand until more than halfway through that it actually was about the narrator's past, and not a daydream she was having based on the painting. A little hint such as "Seeing the painting immediately transported me to my past when..."
A few of the longer sentences could also be shortened to help with the flow. Such as By the time we arrived there, I was exhausted and quite frankly disappointed with the entire trip, that was until my eyes beheld the painting that would haunt me from the moment I saw it and still haunts me to this day - The Lady With a Parasol by Claude Monet.
could be By the time we arrived there I was exhausted and, quite frankly, disappointed by the entire trip. However, everything changed the moment my eyes beheld the painting that would haunt me then and still haunts me to this day...
Overall, I enjoyed this story. It makes me yearn to visit my local art gallery.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/inkslinger
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 3:47am on Nov 13, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
).
Paragraph breaks sporadic and a bit distracting. Skip a space every time there’s a new paragraph or a new speaker.