This was a very good walk through of both the medical and educational discovery of autism. It made the point well to somebody like me, who is not autistic, has no autistic children, but has known plenty of autistic people.
I do though feel like this article lacks context for what autism really is, and how it might manifest. If anybody who does not have experience with this diagnosis comes across this article, it might be hard for them to understand what's being discussed, especially considering mainstream media's poor representation of it.
But as a beyond-the-gateway style article, this was very informative!
1. I like the extra attention to detail you put into merely the fonts and sizes of the project. It makes me feel more passion directed to the story.
2. That said, the descriptions could use some work. The best writers, in my opinion, describe things almost like a moving camera, focusing on one thing, then another, slowly tracking across landscape or thought and giving proper attention to each piece. Here, particularly in the first paragraph, you talk about the sky, then boats, then the sky again. To talk about that moving camera, this feels more like quick cutting. Also your sentences run on for a long time, when shorter sentences with greater focus would have a greater impact. (Also, you describe the sky and the lights of boats...then say they emit a hidden cry? I have no idea what that's supposed to mean, this was all visual up until that point.)
When we get into the next two paragraphs, we are TOLD a lot of information, but given no idea of how we should feel about it. The first paragraph does a good job showing how this character feels, both in how you highlight his thoughts and how you paint a vibe with the environment. The next two chapters are just exposition dumps, with no idea how the characters feel...
...with the exception of the final line, where you say he hopes the weapons would maybe be the first to hold off non-human races. (Real quick, drop the "maybe". This sounds like a man of conviction, and "maybe" feels wishy-washy. There are better ways to express doubt, if that's what you're going for) But also, it's unclear if this means that they KNOW there are other races, if he's WISHING to go to war with other aliens, or if he just thinks it's a probability.
3. Ultimately it looks like you're setting up an alien invasion story. I'm a sucker for those, it's clear you have a passion for the work and that YOU know what's happening and how they're feeling. You just need to work on more vivid and simple descriptions (I can provide quick sample example edits, if you'd like) and this has potential to be a very enjoyable story!
It seems here that you want to make a story about tension within a friend group. Looking at your profile, there are no other pieces available for this story, so the only context I have is in here.
But I struggled to read it. I read it twice, in fact. Ignoring all the typos and grammatical edits needed in this piece (which I can go into if you wish) the main problem with the story is that it feels like a jumbled summary. None of these people feel like characters to me, they're just names. The main character (who I had to scroll up to remind myself of his name despite having read this twice) just feels like a bit of narration, and the way he moves about the timeline in telling the story is confusing. First he's scrolling on his phone, then he's thinking back. This would work with narration that was closer to the characters' own experience. But then we transition to a different event, which gets little attention and leaves no lasting impression on me as a reader, then he's back on his phone. When we finally get that message opened up, it's to schedule another meeting. But then this meeting comes and goes in the same summed-up narration that leaves nothing to immerse myself in, then he drives her home, they DON'T talk about what's been building up this whole story, and then...he changes his mind? He's not upset anymore?
Im not sure what to take away from this story. Is it "don't take things too seriously"? The narration really is the thing hurting the story. We're just being told what happens, jumping around the timeline, then not resolving anything.
I suggest giving this a complete rewrite. Make it longer, break each scene into distinct moments where characters have their important conversations ON the page, instead of telling us they're being had. You can even keep referring to Dylan scrolling on his phone and avoiding the message from Grace. It's a decent tension builder, if done right.
And finally, make the meaning clear. You have a decent source of drama here, but there needs to be a point, a payoff. So let's say you rewrite this, we've followed Dylan through the anxiety of the text, flashback to the moments that hurt him, open the text, flashforward to the past conversation we see here, and then....you need to make your message clear. I can't tell you what it is, it's your story, but you need to make it clear to us the readers.
There's something to this story. It just needed to be crafted more coherently and viscerally. I hope this helps.
Hello! Before I get into more discussion thoughts, I want to go over some editorial topics.
This piece would be a lot easier to read if there were distinct paragraphs. For instance, once you start talking about the Roman leader, that would be a great paragraph drop. Then the final couple of lines would be another paragraph drop, and they would stick out as all the more impactful.
Just some small things: humanity has not been around for millions of years. Studies show that its more like 300 thousand. Probably more, but not even ONE million.
When you mention "cast color and creed", I do believe their should be commas after cast and color. Also, if you mean "caste" as in a social hierarchy, the word needs an "e" at the end.
"Let their act of kindness unrewarded" should be "--kindness GO unrewarded"
And finally, the message of the piece itself. While kindness can indeed be something without value, I feel that the example you gave (with the Roman general) actually IS an act of kindness with value.
Maybe I just overthink things,but the Roman general's act of kindness caused the city to surrender, which spared more lives than if the two forces were to do battle. So this particular act of kindness has a value of one city and one army! 😂 Also, something is telling me the general may not have been acting in kindness. Perhaps he just didn't want to take care of the kids? Perhaps he was using their return as a way to find weaknesses within the city? I'm definitely overthinking at this point, BUT it might be worth the integrity of the piece to find a story that better fits your message.
The analogies at the start however, were nice and creative, and I like the way you tied the beginning line back into the end!
Hello! This was a pretty funny read, definitely a lot of character in both the dialog and narration. I have some suggestions for improvement, and I'd like to talk about them in two different categories.
FORMATTING: For the most part this was well written on a technical level, minus some periods where they shouldn't be, and maybe some commas where they should be.
The things I suggest you alter are these. Thoughts should be done in italics, instead of quotations. The quotations tell me the character is speaking out loud, and thats how I read it up until the point where you say its just a thought.
Second, a habit within this chapter is dropping to a new paragraph, and still having a character speak. This is perfectly fine to do, but that first paragraph needs to NOT end with a quotation mark. Leave it blank, then add a mark at the beginning of the next paragraph so we known its still the same character talking.
Otherwise, this was easy to read!
STORY: the story was easy to follow and engaging enough to keep me along. There were just a few bits that could use tightening.
At one point, you go through this memory of him falling last time, ending it with the children laughing at him. Then you imply it was no longer a memory. Are we to assume the children are laughing at him and calling him short even before the action has begun? I think with all the focus you put on him simply imagining the rope as a monster, you could add an equal level of focus as to whether or not he's actually being laughed at right now.
And finally, I would have appreciated if this was labeled in some way AS a chapter one. I went in thinking it was a short story, so I was ready for resolution. The ending then felt really abrupt and jarring.
You definitely have potential, and the only flaws I'm seeing are easily overcome. The story is also well written enough and engaging enough that if you enjoyed this review, I would like to read the next chapter and give feedback on it.
Hope this helps, happy writings!
Hey I fell into the trap! My first thought early on was about the grammar and the proper way of writing. You called it out, though, so at least it's artistically deliberate.
But since this is more of a discussion piece, let's discuss. Your ending message is about open communication between people leading to a better life, when earlier on you were talking about consumerism? Going to work and earning your keep can suck, for sure, but it also doesn't stop you at all from open communication, at least with people that matter. If you don't work with your friends or family, nothing is stopping you from being open with them. Nothing stops you from making a tool for them, as you outline here.
As well, sometimes there are good reasons for NOT being open with people, and more often than not it has nothing to do with consumerism. People in the hunter-gatherer communities didn't all get along 100 percent.
On top of that, this age we live in is advancing in how well we open up to each other as people. Taboo issues are more easily discussed, more types of people are accepted than they were in the 20th century. People are being made more aware of the plight of others, as well as things they themselves may suffer from as well. If you have something to get off your chest, great! Find people you can trust, or go online and find support groups. Consumerism is a whole separate issue that has little bearing on communication.
If you'd like to discuss this further, feel free to message me!
I don't usually appreciate poetry,for some reason I often have trouble finding a rhythm to the prose, and more often I struggle to find the meaning in the text.
However, this one had a nice flow to it, and the ending was pretty funny. Now I want pizza.
What a twist!
The expansive vocabulary and vivid descriptions led me very smoothly through the story, and even directed me into thinking that the wife was merely cheating with Greg, so I was quite shocked when the twist came.
I had some doubts about the build up, so I went back and read it again, but my doubts were squashed, you'd set it all up very nicely!
This was a pretty funny story. Yhe dialog bits could use some spell checking and punctuation editing, but otherwise this was a funny little story with a good cliffhanger ending!
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