\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/inkandgraphite
Review Requests: OFF
30 Public Reviews Given
30 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by inkandgraphite Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello,
It's my goal to give reviews I would appreciate getting. And I really love reviews that push me to edit and rethink. I hope this review is helpful, if not, please disregard.
You asked for honest opinions, if I would like to read on, how I feel about Luce's character and if there are things I don't understand. I'll try to touch on all of these below. I am going to add review points as I read, so these may not be addressed in a linear fashion.

I enjoyed:
The creep factor nearing the end! The hostility of the environment of the club and Luce's clear vulnerability touches on real fears. Nice.

Technical observations:
I’m including what appears to be typos. Due to the length of the piece, I’ll simply copy/paste the sentence where the error appears.
early participation is extracurricular university
bought me up so lovingly and treated me identically to their own son
I watch hopelessly as he grins
nor that I don't really want to be here anymore.
the trance-light state of the dancers,

I swing my back leg to join the front using left and right here may read easier.

a huge glass building surrounded by reaching flood lights I’m uncertain by what is meant by “reaching flood lights”.

Possibly the safest place, it even had a large taxi rank right outside. This reads as an incomplete thought as “safest place” is not expanded upon.

In general, there are multiple run on sentences and comma errors. There are also a lot of semi colons. In some places it appears that a point could be made more succinctly by taking out a prepositional phrase or a clause or adverb and condensing the thought into fewer words. In other places, a break up of a run on sentence into multiple sentence thoughts may be helpful.
EX: It appears impenetrable at first, but I squeeze around friendship groups shouting at each other to be heard, not actually in the queue but standing out of the way of the dancers, and after some careful maneuvering, I spy the bar through a gap. I reach out my arm and grasp the edge, pulling myself against its cool surface.
EX for suggested change: At first it appears impenetrable as there are multiple groups of friends shouting to be heard over the music. Their consideration in staying out of the way of the dancers is offset by their blocking access to the queue for the bar. With careful maneuvering, I finally spy the bar, squeeze through some narrow gaps, reach an arm out to grasp the edge and finally am able to pull myself against its cool surface.

Content:
While the protagonist was climbing out her window, I kept thinking, is she going barefoot about the town? Then shoes magically appeared for her once she was on the ground. This seems a missed opportunity for either building tension and/or character building. Did she toss the shoes out first? Make the climb while juggling them in her hands? Clutched in her teeth? Same for her bag, which does not make an appearance until the very end of the story when it goes missing.

one great mass struggling to escape up to this point, you have been expressing that the protagonist really wants to go to this club. Using the word “escape” here interrupts mood building as the club suddenly begins to seem rather threatening. Is this what you meant to do?

After serving two others beside me, the bar tender catches my eye, and I place my order. After your description of how crowded and poorly lit the club is, this moment seems unrealistic. In that sort of crush, patrons usually have difficulty getting the bar tenders attention, not the other way around.

You utilize descriptive scenes throughout the piece and at times what you describe does not match the emotion that Luce is experiencing.
EX: It's hard to tell, but it’s maybe half hour later when I find myself in the very centre of the room, empty glass long since discarded. I'm not sure how much of it I drank and how much was spilt, but I'm not entirely in control of my actions anymore. The smoke machines must be on full blast, stinging my eyes and filling the room in a wispy haze that hangs a few feet above the ground. I've long since lost sight of Kaira, and now I'm jumping to a fast-paced track among strangers in their own little worlds, who are dancing in odd frantic movements. We’re just one big crush of sweat and heat, free for tonight and not caring about tomorrow. I love it. This description painted a generally unpleasant experience. She had lost some control of her body, she was in minor pain from the smoke. She lost her newly made ‘friend’. Was in a crowd but alone, was overheated, but she loved it. My assumption is that you are trying to build a mood with the setting of people being wild and carefree and young. Don’t forget to throw in some descriptors of the attraction of the moment, not just the difficult parts.
In other places, I notice you quite effectively write an emotion/mood into the scene and allow me to experience Luce's inner self.
EX: It's hard to tear my eyes away from his; his stare is so intense its hypnotic. His blue eyes are electric, like he can see right through me. This pulled me into how Luce was feeling.

Wanted to take a moment to comment on what appears to be contradictions in Luce’s character. You write her as intelligent and that she grew up in a protective home environment. She is a ‘good girl’, as this is her first night making the teen escape through an upstairs window. And yet, she was naïve enough to go to a club alone without friends or acquaintances. She apparently has had enough experience with alcohol, at a newly turned 18, to know her limits, but chose to over drink anyway at the beginning of the night. When she was sitting outside the club noticing the quiet of the city, she specifically noticed Where are the taxis? The smokers? The drunks? Where are the dancers in search of an early morning feast? These specific internal questions sound like they come from a person who well knows the late nights/early mornings of club life. Not of a girl on her first night out. She appears to move between experience and naivety (or outright conscious foolishness) quite freely.

After reading the full chapter, I think I have a better understanding of what you were trying to do. I think you were trying to build in the threatening nature of the club so the reader will have their antenna up for danger. You definitely include the unpleasant aspects of the club. You quite a bit of focus on the heat, the unpleasant skin contact and so on. What is rarely touched on is why Luce would continue to stay. You tell us that she loves it, but I remain unconvinced by what is described. Why does she love it? What is so attractive about this club that she would voluntarily stay? I believe you are trying to create tension and the push pull of "love it and hate it" in the same moment. If so, I encourage you to work in a bit more on the "love it" end of things.

The last part of the story is definitely it’s strength. When Luce got to the bar the second time, keeping my reviewer brain on became a lot more difficult as I simply wanted to read. There was suddenly a tension present that I had not been experiencing in the earlier part of the story.

I think I’ve touched on almost all of what you asked for except for whether or not I’d read on. There is definitely an attraction to know more of the story, and right now the answer would be not likely. This is due to two things. One, Luce’s character confusion. She is not fully defined as she appears to vacillate between the intelligently naïve bookworm out for an adventure, and the experienced, but looking for trouble, party girl.
Second, I did not get to know much about her inner life. I was told what she was experiencing, but did not really get to experience it with her. There were some sporadic moments, but these were not consistent enough for me to attach to her.


I admired:
You set this up well to leave the reader hanging. There is obviously more story here and the reader well knows it. This appears to be a solid foundation.

Reason for rating:
I am giving this a 3.5 stars as I believe the technical stuff is getting in the way of the story and there is room for growth in the content. I do believe this is a good start and worth returning to. Hope you keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
2
2
Review of 2938: Rigel  Open in new Window.
Review by inkandgraphite Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (1.5)
Hello,
It's my goal to give reviews I would appreciate getting. And I really love reviews that push me to edit and rethink. I hope this review is helpful, if not, please disregard.

I enjoyed:
That you are writing sci-fi. It's one of my favorite genre's.

Technical observations:
Honestly, there is a lot of work to be done here. In reading this, I got the impression that it was written stream of thought without regard to formalities. I do that quite often, which is why that is my guess. It’s nice to get thoughts on paper while they are in mind. What is important to remember is to go back and put the words in a format others will be able to follow without strain.

A few things to look out for as there are multiple offenders.
Sentences without ending or beginnings and/or run on sentences and a whole bunch of missing commas.
It appears that sometimes a new sentence will start with no indication that the previous one was over. In other words, missing periods and capitalizations.
EX: Just as he was about to return to his cryopod to sleep a way the remainder of the journey to Rigel his wristband began to beep with increasing urgency letting him know that a pod in sub deck p6 was opening they were still 3 light years from their destination. That is about fifty words strung together with one punctuation mark. After reading this over a few times, it appears that this is actually three separate sentences.
EX for suggested change: Just as he was about to return to his cryopod to sleep away the remainder of the journey to Rigel, his wristband began beeping urgently. This informed him that a pod in sub deck P6 was opening. As they were still three light years away from their destination, this was cause for alarm. I included some other corrections and additions in the suggested change to give examples of other areas there are grammar errors, and to demonstrate adding emotions to what is going on in the story. I’ve no idea if the MC is alarmed, that was only an example.

In writing your dialogue, there are no indications where any person is talking, change of the speaker and where there is only text. Quotation marks help a lot with that. I’d say they are necessary except that rule breaker Cormac McCarthy came along and informed the world that writing powerful dialogue can be done without quotation marks. And in fact, uses their absence to add to the story.
Show off.
What he does do is use paragraph breaks and other punctuation to inform the reader what is going on. I’m transcribing a bit from him to demonstrate. To do this, I literally opened one of his books at random to find dialogue.

Do you take milk? She said.
No mam.
She nodded. She poured the tea.
I could not use that opening again with such effect, she said.
I’d never seen it before.
McCarthy, Cormac. (1993) All the pretty horses /New York : Vintage Books (pg 134)


I added this in from McCarthy in case you are going for a stylistic choice. As this is beyond me, I figured referencing the master was the best thing to do.

Content:
Until the technical issues are first dealt with, I hesitate to comment on content.

I admired:
Even with the above mentioned errors, I still was able to get the sense that you definitely have a vision here. That was communicated and it would be cool to see this vision communicated more effectively for others.

Reason for rating:
I am giving this a low rating of 1.5 stars due to the reasons above. The technical stuff is currently getting in the way of the story. The low rating is due to that, and not a jab at the story itself. Please do keep writing. I'm keeping this low, not with the intent to discourage, but because to hope to help. I myself prefer when someone is constructively honest and does not tell me untruths. Hopefully this was constructive and does not discourage you from the craft of writing.
3
3
Review by inkandgraphite Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,
It's my goal to give reviews I would appreciate getting. And I really love reviews that push me to edit and rethink. I hope this review is helpful, if not, please disregard.

Brief disclaimer before I start the review. I hesitated long and hard before choosing to review this for the simple reason that I had a long, difficult day at work and am, frankly, not in a comedy friendly mood. It seemed really unfair of me to review a comedy piece when I'm in no laughing frame of mind. So when I say take any content comments with a grain of salt, I REALLY mean it.

I enjoyed:
Learning something new! I was vaguely aware of the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon, but was not of the Group. I Googled and my knowledge base grew.

Technical observations:
Not a lot to note here. There were a few places that may benefit from a comma review, and in the last sentence, adding quotation marks to the questions may be appropriate, but that is all I saw for punctuation.

Content:
As stated above, take the following feedback with an awareness that my state of mind was not clicked on to ‘funny’. After reading through this a few times, and remembering your reference to David Sedaris, I assumed that there is emphasis placed on certain words, along with pauses used in certain ways, when this is read aloud by you, the author. I love Sedaris, I find him hilarious…when I listen to him. When I read his work, I find him less funny. David adds so much to his story telling in how he speaks his story. His talent is amazing and admirable and I assume I will remain a fan for life. But, in my opinion, he is best at his art when he speaks it out loud. As you implied you are emulating him, this is where I drew my assumption that this is to be read in a certain way that adds to the humor.
As I’ve never heard your voice and how you story tell, I was unable to mentally try to translate how this needs to be read. (the emphasis, the pausing, the pacing). All I have are the words on the page. This assumptions is tied to the many longer and less frequently used words you have scattered through the piece. “Digitally hermetic”, “serendipitous”, “communication miraculum”, “elusive nature” and so on are all usable words and phrases. They are easy to swallow when infrequent, but when packed together, one after another, I began to find them distracting in reading them. I’d make a solid bet, that when read aloud, these words stop being as distracting, and instead add to the comedy.

There was an abrupt shift of focus in the center of the piece from talking about Baader-Meinhof, to a friendship. The Baader-Meinhof then became a build up that never got it’s pay off. It came across to me as a joke, with a nice beginning, whose punch line was not told.
In turn, the humor about the friendship was beginning to be built, then there was a sudden and abrupt ending. I SEE the punchline here, and did not feel it. There were four paragraphs devoted to Baader-Meinhof, and three devoted to the friendship. One paragraph was spent explaining the joke the friend sent. It basically seemed that one story was built without pay off, and the second had the pay off without the buildup.

While I enjoyed doing a bit of research about the Baader-Meinhof Group (because I’m weird like that), I believe it detracts from the comedic aspect you’re shooting for. The reader has to go have a joke explained while being told that OF COURSE the reader knows what’s being talked about and does not need the joke explained.


I admired:
That you are making a really awesome choice by writing in a genre that, from your explanation, is new to you. That kind of willingness stretch outside your comfort zone...I just find it cool. Plus...COMEDY! Despite what I wrote above, I am no where near a comedic person or writer. I tried to review based on observation NOT my own skill. Writing comedy is so far beyond me. So again, even more admiration that you're taking it on. Hope you choose to write more comedy!

Reason for rating:
I am keeping this at four stars. I believe the writing is solid. From my own experience in reading this, you may have some room to grow in your goal (again, go you!) for writing this.
4
4
Review by inkandgraphite Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hello,
It's my goal to give reviews I would appreciate getting. And I really love reviews that push me to edit and rethink. I hope this review is helpful, if not, please disregard.

I enjoyed:
There is a lot of love and connection in this family.

Technical observations:
I owe you some thanks. The first sentence of your story Lightning struck, illuminating her face for a split second before it vanished back into the shadows, she had been waiting and working towards this moment for the past 300 years. sent me into a deep dive on parts of speech that I have not done since elementary school. I knew something was awkward in this sentence and had no idea as to the WHY. So, the deep dive. The thanks is because I got to learn today! Yay! But before that, the sentence does appear to be a run on. A period can be used after “shadows”.
When I first read the sentence, I read it with the it vanished back as if the “it” was referring to “lightning” instead of to “face”. After several read throughs, I still read it that way. I think/hope I know why now. , illuminating her face for a split second appears to be an nonessential relative clause, which means it needs a comma at the end. Because it is a nonessential relative clause, the information within can not be referred to in the rest of the sentence. So, when the “it” came along, it actually is referring back to the lightning and not the protagonists face. This may be way too much information in a review, but it took me forever to figure this out and I’m rather proud of myself. Apologies for getting all grammerly on you. I assure you it was mostly for my own benefit.

I’d strongly suggest a proof read for comma and general punctuation errors. Also there are quite a few run on sentences and verb tense confusions. There are enough of all of the above that it creates an awkward read.

I’d also encourage you to take a look at ensuring you have complete sentences.
EX: A foreboding was swelling…Foreboding, to the best of my knowledge, is a descriptive/attributive noun. An exception here would be if you are using it in this context as a piece of world building. As in the MC actually has some sort of power/difference called a Foreboding. In which case it would probably need to be capitalized.

I’d encourage you to slow down. There is a sense of rush to this story but it's paired alongside a sense of hitting the breaks periodically. It’s quite start and stop and is missing a smoother flow. This may be remedied by adding a few more descriptors and explanatory words and/or phrases. The run-on sentences may also add to this sense of being rushed.
EX: As the figure weaved their way through the crypts and gravestones, it was often hard to keep track of them, sooner or later though they came back into view, well until they just didn’t. So many prepositions, conjunctions and phrases!
EX of Suggested Change: The figure weaved quickly through the crypts and gravestones, making it difficult to keep up. Each time Katherine thought she may have lost them; they would dart briefly back into view. Until the one time they did not.

The story vacillates between second- and third-person perspective. This causes some distraction and confusion.


Content:
The opening about the confusion with the phone call had me scratching my head. She was not at home, which I assume means she is carrying a cell phone. Is caller ID not a thing in this world? The Main Character (MC) “assumed” the call was from her mother. Wouldn’t her mother and brother be saved in her phone?

I’m uncertain as to why checking the name on the grave rules out paranoia.

You tell of a series of events and appear to assume that the reader will assign the appropriate emotions that the MC is experiencing. Remember, the reader can not know anything you don’t write about. As it currently reads, it is rather robotic without emotion or character understanding. I really encourage you to write the people in this story onto the paper. Or, virtual paper in this case.

I admired:
You jumped right into the story telling. There was a determination toward action that can grab the attention.

Reason for rating:
I am giving this a low rating of 2 stars. That being said, I understand it is a draft and therefore a work in progress. I generally dislike giving low ratings and honestly, especially for drafts, would prefer a no rating option. The two stars are due mostly to the technical errors. Without these, I am certain I would give a higher rating.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
5
5
Review of My Knee  Open in new Window.
Review by inkandgraphite Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello,
It's my goal to give reviews I would appreciate getting. And I really love reviews that push me to edit and rethink. I hope this review is helpful, if not, please disregard.

I enjoyed:
The personality of the Main Character (MC) written in a through line throughout the piece.

Technical observations:
I’d encourage a proof read for comma errors. EX: Nobody smiles on this godforsaken base, unless it’s like a vulture smiling on a carcass.

I somehow blocked out some of my memories because I next remember being given a choice. This sentence had me pause for a reason I was initially uncertain about. I simply knew something had pulled me out of the story. On a re-read, I think it may be that you mentioned blocking out “memories” in a story that was being told from a present moment stance. A different approach could look like
EX: I somehow blocked out the following events, because I next realized I was being given a choice.

I found the following wording a bit confusing …but my Dad’s disappointed face as I showed up
1st Suggestion for change: …but imagining my Dad’s disappointed face as I showed up…
2nd Suggestion: …but my Dad’s disappointed face if I showed up…

Even with drugs on board, when they told me to flip onto my side, I did it quickly enough, but had the beginnings of a question forming on my lips when I fell back asleep. I strongly suggest reworking this sentence. As it is written I am unable to offer suggestions toward change as I am uncertain what is going on here.

…staring at me with googly eyes. I’m honestly uncertain what reading “googly eyes” is supposed to describe or stir within me. I googled the meaning, and this is what I got.

1.INFORMAL
an amorously adoring expression.
"all she does is make googly eyes at Bryson"
2.a type of imitation eye used in toys and crafts, consisting of a plastic disk with white backing and a transparent top that encases a smaller freely moving black disk representing the iris or pupil.
"attach googly eyes with glue and paint on a little smile"


Even after the Google search, I remain uncertain what your goal here is. Perhaps a clarification or a different descriptor?


Content:
Placement of where the MC is in the beginning of story may help draw the reader in. As it is, I am left with multiple unanswered questions. Was the woman present at the place where the injury occurred? Is she a boss? A co-worker? A medic? Also specifying that this is occurring on a military base nearer the beginning of the story would add cultural background and interest early on.

As I stated above, there is a definite through line for who the MC is. What felt empty was some of the emotional journey for the MC. When you wrote I like her. I realize I like when someone looks out for me. It’s nice to feel safe. That felt pretty amazing to read. It was a relief to get some insight into what this experience felt like for the MC. A lot of what came before this was mostly descriptors of what was happening, or descriptors of emotion. There was not a lot of emotional expression as you did so well in the above lines.

This piece has a beginning, a middle, but I am struggling to find the end; the resolution. The MC had an experience…and then he did not become addicted to pain medication. My initial response was, ‘Where did that come from?” And then the end. That line of “It’s nice to feel safe” felt more of an ending than where the words stopped. The moments with the nurse and wanting to be cared for loops back to the moment at the beginning of the story where the woman was being callous. Therefore the MC's experience of being alone/disregarded has resolution.



I admired:
The dedication to the linear progression of events. There was never a chance that the reader will get misplaced in the story.

Reason for rating:
I'm giving this 3.5 stars due to the technical errors and content miscommunication.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
6
6
Review by inkandgraphite Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,
It's my goal to give reviews I would appreciate getting. And I really love reviews that push me to edit and rethink. I hope this review is helpful, if not, please disregard.

I enjoyed:I find it pure fun to watch world building happen. It’s just straight out cool to watch new places be woven into words from someone else’s mind.

Technical observations: There appears to be some mis-usage of some words which can distract and/or paint an inaccurate picture.
First EX: ..as she weaved in and out of the other students coming and going to classes. The use of “in and out” here creates a picture of her passing through the bodies of other people. Suggested Change: ...as she weaved between the other students coming and going to classes. Another note on this sentence, I believe the simple use of the past tense of weave is “wove”. Unless you’re British. In that case my American self apologizes! Carry on.
Second EX: Then he simply touched one of the other continents and it blew up. This paints an image of an explosion. At first, I literally envisioned the holo map blowing up a continent which really surprised and distracted me from the story. Suggested Change: Then he simply touched one of the other continents and it enlarged.

I would also encourage a general proof read for comma errors and capitalization. There are also some long paragraphs. I’d suggested breaking these up a bit as they can be a bit daunting to look at.

There is, at times usage of passive voice where active voice may be more engaging.
EX: Her teacher, Mr. hollanday, just looked at her frowning as she sat down. Suggested Change: Her teacher Mr. Hollanday frowned as he looked at her taking her seat.
After the break when the story moves to sex ed, there is an abrupt introduction of Second Person Perspective ...you know how teenagers talk. where there had only been third person perspective before this. Careful of using those “you’s”.


Content:Yay for prologues! We dove straight into the story, then raced into explanatory exposition. This is all well and good, and if you want to hook readers, paragraphs of exposition may not be the most effective way. Securing readers using an emotional attachment to either a character or plot line can be an effective way to get them to stay through the exposition. For instance, Amy wanted to learn about the continents, but I (the reader) have no idea why her interest needs to interest me. Why is this important to her?

There is hardly any rape because it's all consensual. This sentence stopped me cold and raised some large red flags for me about how this society ticks. If this is your intent here, hurrah you. If it is not, I would encourage you to expand on this a bit more. As you have written it, without context, it sounds like everyone is basically biologically drugged and there is going to be a worldwide orgy. Also, despite the teachers words, it does sound like it would be non-consensual consent as everyone would be under a biological drive- basically a planet wide roofy.

One of the things that created a bit of confusion and/or curiosity, was the level of Amy’s, and apparently the other kid’s, ignorance on things that are of vital importance to the planet and her specie. Is it a part of the culture that information is only passed down through the school systems? Are family units not allowed to recite their own experiences and knowledge? For instance, in our real world here, I learned about reproduction first from my mother, then from other kids, while still in elementary school. I learned about menses from my family members. I learned about geography and basic history from hearing my grandparents talk about their experiences during war time. Is this sort of verbal information sharing not allowing in the universe you are creating?


I admired:Great job at how you approached a big piece of important exposition. You purposefully put me, the reader, into a student’s chair. It was a simple and effective way to communicate, “ We’re going to stay here for a while. The story is taking a pause, take this opportunity to listen and learn.”

Reason for rating:I’m keeping this at four stars as there is room for growth and the technical errors mentioned distracted from the story itself.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
7
7
Review of The Empty Room  Open in new Window.
Review by inkandgraphite Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello,

The protagonist’s voice is written really strong. Personality is definitely a presence in this piece.

There are a few punctuation errors scattered throughout which could be caught by a proof read.

I’m going to be honest and state straight out confusion over what is meant by “reverse solitary confinement”. I’ve read through this several times and still don’t understand any major differences other than that it has better living conditions than solitary confinement. It appears that the prisoner is expected to stay in solitary for longer, but that does not seem like it would be a reverse situation. Unless you mean that the laws of the land were reversed so that solitary was no longer considered cruel and inhumane punishment? I would find that clarifying what is the defining difference between solitary and reverse solitary as helpful.

As the point of the story appears to focus on the importance of what reverse solitary confinement is, I am giving this 3.5 stars as I do not believe this was effectively communicated in the writing.
8
8
Review of magpies  Open in new Window.
Review by inkandgraphite Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This was incredibly unsettling. Unsettling long before I reached the end. The unease crept up the back of my spine and sank into my belly. It reminded me of my reaction when I first read Stephen King’s Dolores Claiborne. It’s that “I need to look over my shoulder” kind of feeling. Ugh. So…awesomely done. I’ve no clue myself how to set that sort of tone, much less in so few words. And I find it seriously impressive when I see it done.

I’m hesitant to try constructive criticism because whatever you’re doing here works, and I don’t want to try to mess with it. That being said, I tried to read through it with a focus on anything that may come across as distracting since you asked for reviews. You are supposed to salute and to stop its beady eyes boring a hole into my soul I sit up and salute… The change from second person perspective at the beginning of the sentence to first person perspective was a bit confusing.

Superstition is comfort to fools, but I am programmed with the same profound fear of the Devil as anyone else, and I feel it strong and foul in the pit of my stomach tonight. This seems like a run-on sentence as there are two coordinating conjunctions, with clauses, one after the other. Seems like it could be broken into two separate sentences.

I found this to be well expressed. It’s just good writing. I’m keeping this at five stars because the two things mentioned above don’t outweigh the overall impact of how you wrote this.
9
9
Review of Shake  Open in new Window.
Review by inkandgraphite Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello, you asked for a few things from reviewers. If this is a strong beginning, if the reader will want to turn the page at the end of it, and more rock star details. I certainly am unable to help with the rock star details, but I’ll try to give input on the other two.

Content and story wise, yes, absolutely this could be a strong beginning. I used the word ‘could’ because there are some technical issues. There were quite a few run on sentences which left me feeling a bit out of breath and created a need for me to go back and re-read in order to understand. It seems like you’re trying to build atmosphere and introduce character all in one breath. Don’t be afraid to slow down a bit, which in turn can build tension. EX: I eyed the timer ticking down the last minute until we had to go back out on set for our second song and looked around the studio, trying to absorb it all before it ended. Try reading this out loud while obeying the punctuation, a bit exhausting. A different approach could read (please excuse, I’m going to use a bit of artistic license here) I eyed the timer ticking down the last sixty seconds before we’d have to shove back out on set for our second song. The back stage atmosphere pressed in on me and I tried to absorb it all before it ended.

There is something going on that I’m having difficulty pinning down. I think it might have to be active/passive voice thing…mainly because this is something I struggle with so much myself. I really have a hard time identifying when I’m using the passive voice and understanding how to keep myself in the active voice. Since you stated that you want this to be a strong beginning, I think writing in the active voice would have more impact here.
Saying this this feels incredibly unhelpful and I apologize for the vagueness. I may be REALLY wrong here, it may simply be the run ons and have nothing to do with passive voice. Just wanted to say it so you could keep a look out when you’re going over it.

There are a few formatting issues when the protagonist is getting ready to sing. There are some paragraph breaks in the middle of his dialogue.

There are some verb tense changes which will need to be addressed. This actually appears to happen quite a bit throughout the piece and I’ll include one example. I have no idea where I got the energy from. Lake started counting off the second song we'd all agreed on for the broadcast… “I have” is present perfect while “started” is past tense. For the tenses to match it would read either I have no idea where I got the energy from. Lake starts counting off… or I had no idea where I got the energy from. Lake started counting off…

Would I turn the page as it is currently written? No. It’s a bit of a strain to read. Do I believe you have something here that can be turned into a page I would turn? Yes. Please keep writing.
10
10
Review by inkandgraphite Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello

I noticed a few punctuation errors. Nothing outstanding that a proof read wouldn’t take care of. EX: Some idiots just played a prank on me As “idiots” here appears to be acting as a contraction, I’m pretty certain an apostrophe is needed.

Some of the descriptor words did not seem to fit context. There weren’t a lot but the one that stood out the most to me was The forest beamed with life… The word beamed means either transmitting or shining. Neither definition seems to fit here. Did you mean to use “teemed”? Teem means to be full, or swarming with. Yes, I totally looked that up. In no way am I able to remember dictionary definitions off hand.

I love, love, love stream of conscious writing. It’s so cool and really grabs me into the story. David’s internal dialogue tended to distract me from, instead of pull me into, the story. I’m really not good myself at stream of conscious writing, so I have no clue how to go about it effectively. So I don’t think I’ll be able to offer anything truly constructive here. I do know this sort of internal dialogue does not reflect how I think to myself. My thinking tends to be much less linear and more fluid; a mix of words, unworded memories and drifting emotions. With memories I don’t necessarily have a constructed thought in the way I would speak to another person. “I remember seeing a red barn by a blue house. There was a really mean dog there.” Instead it’s more like a “oh yeah, that one place with the dog” and a mental picture of the place accompanied by sound and perhaps a small spike of anxiety. Internal thoughts just seem to be more informal than what is presented here.

Note on content. Poor David, getting fired for being late. That sucks. And was slightly unbelievable. Within the story, he appears to be working a professional job. Professional jobs most often involve contracts, unions and HR. Getting fired from a professional job for being late once would be pretty difficult in the States. His firing could be a reflection that David has been in trouble multiple times due to his internal desire to be off traveling, but this is all assumed in my own mind, it’s not built up in the story. I’d suggest filling this out a bit more to make the scenario easier to accept without over thinking it.

The pace and style of the story remind me of stories I used to read as a kid. Stories that had been passed down verbally by elders for generations before being written down for more modern times. It’s simple, straight forward, easily remembered and to the point. It’s a really cool style and I love how you captured it here.
11
11
Review of Ghost Hunting  Open in new Window.
Review by inkandgraphite Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Ok...this was funny, then creepy, then funny again. And I mean really creepy. Great descriptors throughout. Loved the phrase about unshaved leg hair.

I had to read the last paragraph a few times as my slow brain didn't catch up to what you'd done with the plot. So I went from confused to an out loud laugh.

Nicely written and greatly enjoyed.
12
12
Review by inkandgraphite Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Thought I would follow your suggestion and take a look and review of something more recent of yours. 😊 End of the world stories are fun. Hurrah to you for writing one!

-I notice that we share a pain of comma misunderstanding. Pointing out the where’s and why’s are a bit beyond me, but I do have an awareness that there are multiple places within the text that are being disrupted by either the presence or absence of the pesky buggers.

-It may be beneficial to complete a quick review for grammatically complete sentences. Intentional rule breaking makes a point; when it is not intentional, it creates awkward reading. EX: The why dwarfed in the ramifications of the now whats? In this sentence, I’m pretty sure ‘dwarfed’ is an adjective instead of a verb as there is no object for a verb. Which means the sentence has no verb.

-The realization her oxygen machine wasn't running brought a had to her head and I knew. What? Please explain?

-I find myself popping out of the story to question how the narrator is able to know that the known normal is over. From the description, everything has happened in under 24 hours and access to world wide news, even national news, is down. Why does the narrator assume that the world is completely changed? It may be his area alone. A comment early on indicated that the inner beasts of man had violently come out. This is not being backed by descriptors or memories. Other than idle vehicles and a break of morning routine, all seems normal except for the assumptions of the narrator.

-The response of a 10 year old child to learning of her grandparents and mother’s deaths alarmed me. She was completely inhuman and I suspected that she may be a fake niece instead of a real human one. Over all this reflects an absence of emotional content throughout the story. Everything is event, observation, assumption or memory. There was very little to tug at the emotions and promote buy in of the characters.

-I can appreciate the story and see a lot of interesting and fun potential. I’d love to see it fleshed out a bit more to create character interest. But that is more my preference. I am drawn in by the people in a story much more than the plot. So take this less as a critique than a personal wish.
13
13
Review of An Urban Myth  Open in new Window.
Review by inkandgraphite Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
-Interesting and likable concept. Going to focus mosly on technical stuff rather than story content.
-The flow of the story was pretty chopped up by the multiple short and/or incomplete paragraphs. There were also multiple comma errors which disrupted story flow.
-Dexter looked up and licked his hand, whining softly in the moonlight This sentence really threw me for a loop. The abrupt introduction of Dexter without any context, made placing him in the story difficult. Human? Animal? Character I had previously missed? The use of Proper Noun and pronoun also cause it to sound like Dexter is licking his own hand.
-I remain uncertain about your conclusion a I kept rereading it looking for the conclusion.
-The abrupt change from Michael's perspective to a more general overview was a bit jolting.
-The generous use of exclamation points devalue them
-Will include two notes on story content. I remain mystified as to why an anthropologist/archaeologist would be on-call to a police department to debunk fraudsters. And the swift progression from complete strangers to "I'm going to spend the rest of my existence with you" within what appeared to be a five minute span was a bit hard to swallow.
14
14
Review of heeeelp!  Open in new Window.
Review by inkandgraphite Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
-The concept here is one I do enjoy. "Jump into my story! Be present with me!" It's just cool.
-The rather immediate misuse of spelling is rather distracting. It took me three tries to get past "mildew-y" before I could digest it as an on-purpose attraction instead of a writing error. I appreciate playing with language and tend to need to have more buy in with the character/story before it is not a distraction.
-First person perspective is one of my favorite approaches. This speaker though is difficult to sympathize/empathize with as I have no other introduction to the person than a persistent demand for me to give and help. I kept hoping for an identifying feature or a character piece to use as a touch stone. And in all honesty, the speaker came across as whiny. I believe you were going for humorous, but am uncertain as I have no reference point. I believe this could definitely be changed by adding more information and lengthening what is written.
-I don't want to give a low review, and am going to be honest that this needs quite a bit more work. This was presented to me by the review generator. I am assuming this is a prelude to a longer work? If it is and this is a tease to invite the reader in, I would suggest filling the speaker out with more character than a demand for attention. If it was a simple writing exercise for fun, I remain uncertain as to where the story is as there is no middle or end.
-Even from this short burst of words, I am able to tell you have an ability for description. It would be lovely to see it shown off a bit more.
-No thank you on the bribe. I'm really just a passerby. I'm fairly certain there is more to this than meets the eye. As such, I am giving a rating of 2 stars. I'd rather not give a rating at all, but it appears the site demands it. Honestly uncomfortable in giving a low rating as this seems a low blow on my end of things a this truly appears out of context.
14 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/inkandgraphite