A gripping story lost in the execution.
It looks like a first draft. Try to space out the paragraphs. It is taxing to read. Apart from formatting, the story has all the elements of a powerful story. A mysterious character, story through the time and overall there is a story going on here. Well, who doesn't like to hear about stories of witches? I grew up hearing those. I would love to read it again after you have edited it.
Nice story with the well-rounded character Joe. I like your roundabout way of telling that Joe was bullied in past and hence he doesn't like to be called Jay Jay. It dismisses the hurt he felt in past as he had moved on but still has a scar that he still carried.
Emily is a cute grandma with way too many cats, mischievous and very lively.
The story is nice and well-paced, Dialogues felt very real and very engaging. It makes you smile after reading it. Good for a short read after a tiring day.
Wow. Can a prank get any more wrong? It was filled with tension at first, something terribly went wrong and then we get that it was all but a prank. And the wife is so much humorous. Even lying on the bed, she was asking for a nose-job. Very engaging and marvellous. Good work.
The story is quite nice and grabs attention from the get-go. The dialogues are a lot but nicely put. It reminds you of your grandparents and how funny they are even if they are unconventional or maybe just the generation gap and ways of thinking don’t get along. The story nicely depicts that.
There are a few parts where the idea was not conveyed properly. There are very few. Kudos for that.
The councilman sniffed and then pinched his nose. “Yea, but...”
Instead of ‘but’, it should be ‘and’ here. Here the councilman is asking why the smell should be concerning. If ‘but’ is used then it feels like Wendell is the one speaking and defending his point.
“This ain’t the middle ages, Wendell. I ain’t doin’ nothin’ about that.”
Instead of ‘nothing’, it should be anything because here Councilman doesn’t want to do anything about the matter and not the opposite.
“That’s ‘cause you caused such a raucous no one availed of it.”
This sentence: I don’t get what it means. Wendell caused a lot of ruckuses that nobody wanted. This is the closest meaning I get after reading the sentence thrice.
Overall, it is a wonderful story. Left me chuckling at the end. I liked your writing style. It’s very engaging. Keep up the wonderful work.
Nicely done. I have never gone to a circus myself but I can totally imagine the scene happening in the story, all the chaos was shown aptly. I liked how the story progressed from cyclone Ruby being the minor character to wreaking havoc at the end. And the original main characters Fergus were just spectators.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 1:09pm on Nov 04, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "