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Review by icomeanon_13
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
First of all, this is the best work I've read outside of a printed work. There's a lot of great things going on here. Specifically, the story is instantly intriguing (I love all stories time travel) and Haakon is very dynamic character from the very beginning. The dialogue is quick and captures interest.

Here are a couple things I noticed which may require further work:
"By God's nails, I'll not complain about Chicago streets again." This is an interesting line because it merges the past (the classic declarative "God's nails" and "I'll not") and the future reference. I like it. This may be intentional, but it's clear through Haakon's internal dialogue that he's mixing the two timelines- he's becoming "immersed." I wonder if he catches himself all the time. Does he slip up when he speaks to others? There's a lot of tech in this story- I wonder if the mental strain of living between times is at all difficult to manage and if the tech has any kind of limits in place that prohibit him from saying things that are not archaic, like "tight ass." I'm really interested in how the tech in Haakon's head intersects with Haakon's mind. I realize that this is only a first chapter, but there's a lot to explore on that side of the story.

"The warrior's blade wavered, but struck his chest in a glancing blow with a cascade of sparks. Haakon collapsed to the dirt, gasping for breath." How big is the "Timepiece?" As I read this sentence I thought that would need to be a large celtic cross for Haakon to come away unscathed. I'm not saying it wouldn't protect him (and I'm hoping the Viking has broken it so Haakon gets stuck), but I think there might be at least a scratch or cut. That may be a bit more realistic. If the Timepiece is large, I'd suggest describing it's size and dimension when you first introduce it so that the reader doesn't raise the eyebrow later on.

"It had read Harley Davidson Motorcycles." Be careful of the passive voice (I know, because it happens to be a weakness of mine). This sentence would be just as good (and better, I think) if you left out "had." On a side note, this is badass. I'm thinking "Guns of the South." It's an excellent merge of the warrior old with the warrior new.

On the whole, I'm really impressed. This was the perfect kind of starting chapter which throws the reader into the fire right away. The only thing I'd caution you against is introducing too many nova in a short amount of time (the first chapter). While I like to be thrown into the deep end of the pool when starting a book, most readers need a little more hand-holding before taking the dive.

You've got an excellent idea on your hands and I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter. Nice work.

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