I like the concept but see what you mean about "clunkiness".
The first paragraph where you introduce Red didn't read smoothly to me and felt a little rushed, as though you wanted to get to the part with Easton, which I felt read better.
If it were me, I'd proof read the entire draft to eliminate spelling/grammar issues and to flesh out the writing. This is when I usually find I find bits I'd like to change/delete/add but you may work differently to me.
The art of good writing is in the rewrite, never be afraid of it!
I do adore a really compact story that flows so easily from one end to the other.
It paints the picture of the scene as well as it needs to and needs no more.
You're supposed to pick out negatives when reviewing. The only issue I picked up on was a capitalised "H" after speech in the " "I guess all that's left to do now is hitchhike." He said, after calling AAA for the third time and getting no answer." sentence.
Kudos on the piece.
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