Wow, I love your writing. Your characters are amazing. Bothe Dana and Odin are perfectly written, developed enough to be interesting and to be relatable, in Dana's case, and fascinating, in Odin's case yet at the same time I want to know more. Dana is a truly amazing character and I found very little fault in the writing itself. The dialogue was fantastc by the way. It was perfectly balanced with the descriptions and yet was also realistic. I have to admit that the only thing I didn't like was the plot. Remember your audience. They'll be Sci-fi nuts and trekkies like me. Doubtless many of them will have seen Battlestar Galactica which also deals with the theme of robots we created trying to destroy us and the idea of robots having emotion or religion. Your destruction of Mars echos the destruction of the planet Vulcan in the latest Star Trek movie. Also, Mars? Really? There are hundreds of planets out there. Why MARS? Not only that, but as I'm sure you're not aware of, there is an anime called Heroic Age. It's quite complicated and I can't be bothered typing out the entire plot although I recommend you watch it, but your "space bugs" could have been a description of "the Bronze Tribe", down to the green glowing stuff. Please don't misunderstand what I'm saying. It's difficult to "break free" from a genre but your writing is so good that you could really do some amazing things. The people reading this story and the people interested in this will have seen these shows that I've mentioned before and hundreds like them. It would be a crime if people stopped reading your work just because of the plot. It's not even lack of imagination(the bio-imbalance was a stroke of genious although it could have been explained more throughly). Try branch out a little, I mean after all the universe is infinate and so are our minds.
I would like (before I dive into everything I disliked) to say that I really enjoyed reading this. I thought it was well-written and realistic in the portrayals of most of the characters. I t was very long though and there was lots of dialogue. It was a hard read and I have to admit near the end of chapter 3 my eyes were hurting and I was ready to move. Perhaps if I'd been reading it in novel format it would have been different but it was really tough staying focused. In places it lacked subtley and in others I felt like I'd missed something but even after reading couldn't find what I missed. With some serious editing though this could be an amazing novel or story or whatever you want it to be. Well done.
Well it's not what I would have written but it was better! The ending is perfect, absolutely fantastic and I really liked your characters. The comedy ran through it nicely and wasn't over-exaggerated. Everything was believeable and yet at the same time the story was interesting and fun. I really liked it and will definately be reading more. On ething I will say is that the bold font is a bit distracting but that's just a personal preference of mine. Well done and as always, please continue writing!
Wow...This is so unbelievably good. I wouldn't change a thing. Every word worked and was totally true. The last line was brilliant. Actually it was all brilliant. I guess I have one more thing to say. Welcom to Writing.com and I will definately be reading more of your works so please keep posting!
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