Gosh, I was in a place like that last night. But, there wasn’t a golden coin to prompt the rest of the story.
I see you are still using adjectives as a crutch. Not necessary.
<He sighed, checking his watch. It was getting late, time to close up shop. Looking around the bar he saw nobody, nobody except for a snoozing, cloak-wearing man with a hat over his face. He walked over, snapping his fingers angrily
"Time to go home, drunk. This ain't a hotel."
"it isn't?" the man asked jokingly, his voice being surprisingly sober.
"No, it ain't." the bartender said impatiently. "So get out."
"Ah, my mistake. I apologize," the man said as he got up to leave, walking towards the doorway for a few moments before stopping at the doorway, calling out to the bartender.
"Make a wish," the strange man said as he tossed a shiny golden coin to the bartender. The bartender caught it easily, looking at it in awe for a moment before looking back at the doorway where the cloaked man had been.>
It flows better without so many adjectives. And use a little internal dialogue here and there. There’s only two people in the scene so you don’t have to attribute so often.
He sighed, checking his watch. ‘It is getting late, time to close up shop.’
Looking around the bar he saw nobody... nobody except for a snoozing man, wrapped in a cloak with a fedora over his face.
He walked over, snapping his finger next to the stranger’s ear.
"Time to go home, Joe. This ain't a hotel."
"It isn't?" the man asked in a sober voice.
"No, it ain't, so get out."
"Ah, my mistake. I apologize," the man said as he got off his stool. He walked towards the doorway for a few steps before stopping and calling out, "Make a wish," and tossed a coin to the bartender.
The bartender caught it easily, then looking at it, ‘My God it is solid gold.’ In awe, he glanced back to doorway where the cloaked man had been.
Just my suggestions.
Clint
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