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1
Review of Always  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
i think there is an interesting dynamic going on behind this piece that could really shine if you let it. i love the notion that she's a police officer, who has learned to hide her emotions because of the "burly" men with whom she works, i love that she is a strong character who is kind of devastated by the news of her mortality. i think the underlying gender issues work best for me, and i'm not a huge fan of Duke taking such a large role by the end. more to the point, we should not be in Duke's head at all, since she is our protagonist and the story is done with a close 3rd person POV, which is, really, just a first person POV. avoid starting pieces with a line of floating dialogue; it disorients the reader. perhaps start with something like "Lindsay had to get out of the [police] station and fast." that sets a tension and action right away. why did she wait so long to react to the news? presuming the doctor told her in person at a doctor's office? was she in a daze until she reached work? or did he call her? or what? we need a point of reference here. otherwise, the story kind of exists only to exploit context-less grief and sentimental love/support without complexity.
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2
Rated: E | (3.5)
A well-written take on an old fable. Nice characterization and dialogue. Cute tale.

But what's new about this? What's so much different than the original? Can you expand on this a little, flesh out the world, add some other aspects?

Consider the film, A Bug's Life, which is taken from the same source. But it doesn't feel like it is, because it changed things enough to make it its own. I think this would benefit greatly from stepping away from the original allegory/fable/tale/whatever and finding its own path.
3
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Review of The Lunar Express  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Excellent draft. A lot of emotional resonance, especially for being so short. Characters are likable. Poignant. I'm offering a review with the hope that you will expand this a little more. 750 words is too constraining.

I think the dialogue needs to be clarified: he said, she said, etc. try mixing in the action with the dialogue a little more, so we get a stronger sense of time advancing. Blocks of dialogue followed by a short action sequence gets a little boring.

This piece needs more details and setting. Setting isn't just a static thing you can brush over, it's a character as much as these kids. And fleeing in the night to their old home? Oh, the possibilities. Concrete, specific details amid a larger, sweeping description will make the setting pop, create ambience, ramp up tension. It was somewhat difficult to figure out where everything was as they were leaving their house. I'd like to see the neighborhood, the condition of the their house, what floor are they on? An 8 year old jumping from a second story window seems really dangerous. But using a rope made of his father's shirts (nice touch, btw) seems a little overkill for a first floor escape for a twelve year old.

I like the beginning dialogue, but I'm not sure where it belongs. I assume it's between the absent (or dead) father and Erin, but it's not clear, and I'm not sure you necessarily need it there. As it's written, we think Joey is dreaming about the father and girl dialogue.

Instead of dreaming about the beating and thus only alluding to it, why don't you show us? Maybe he wakes up and he still has a bruise on the side of his head, or a black eye or something.

We don't need the explanation that he loves his sister or that it grew like bamboo. Show us in their dialogue, their rhythm and timing together. They don't have to be gushy, but showing us how they interact goes a lot farther than telling us. Show, don't tell.

There is a lot being worked out here between the characters, which is why I suggest forgetting the word count and just writing this. It's a wonderful story and premise.

I'd like to see solid scene building with setting, action, ambience, mood, exposition properly inserted. There's a lot of history here, and while we don't need it all, it has to feel like they've been through it.

Here's a big suggestion, and disregard it if you want. But Joey's 12. As a coming of age piece, as a step from innocence to adult(and man)hood, I think he needs to be more skeptical. Maybe they bicker about their beliefs as older brothers will. Maybe he's even a little mean. But the fact that he comes along with her shows us that he's not ready to be the cynic just yet. What you have is marvelous and beautiful, but I think it needs to be more grounded and a little darker. I realize that he's being physically abused, but I mean darker in the sense of what a physically abused 12 year old feels.

I love Erin. She's a fabulous character, and she works so well as a foil for Joey. I'd like to see that explored more--their dynamic, how he affects her, she affects him. But keep us with Joey... he's our protagonist and he's a good one.

I'm really against the kind of ending you have right now, with the newspaper article. I think they're contrived and forgettable, and this piece shouldn't be either.

So how to end it? By the time they reach the house, the tension and the dynamic of their escape should be reaching a fevered pitch. And who cares if the train comes, if they disappear? Does it matter? What's getting worked out here is their desire for freedom and escape from a crappy situation. Maybe by then they've argued and Joey sees his childhood falling away as he has to face a world without magic and fantasy that Erin still has. Maybe she tells him to listen for the train. And maybe he does, and whether or not he hears it is beside the point entirely. It's a big moment. But that realization that he's grown and has to face these things is the climax.

If I'm describing a story you don't recognize, I apologize. But I think that the story is, at its heart, a story about a boy who's growing up, who loves his sister so much that he'll put aside the realities of his life just to take a chance with her, and FOR her. And isnt' that what being a grown up is about? You've got an amazing setup here, and I envy it so so much. No, I won't steal it, if that crossed your mind. But I think you can go so much deeper and farther with this than a 750 word flash fiction piece.
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Review of That Night  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
I'm not sure what guidelines you're following for flash fiction, so I'm not sure you should take my review very seriously.

I like the concept, and it's an interesting idea. I wonder about a few things though:

It's 1954--so why did a young black girl decide to follow these men to a klan meeting? It seems improbable and highly unlikely. And she doesn't seem afraid at all, even though you say she was deathly afraid. We don't see her shaking, or her horror, or her fear.

Where is she hiding this entire time? Outside? How does she know what's going on inside?

What kind of building are they in? An abandoned house? Church? Warehouse?

Are you sure about lighting the cross before planting it? I'd always thought it was planted, then lit.

I think a lot of the problems could be easily addressed by simply having her hurrying home, past an old warehouse or church or something, see some men coming out with the cross, thus forcing her to run and hide, hoping they won't see her. Then she sees the men dragging a scarecrow, a noose, and we know right off what's about to happen.

We absolutely need to keep her point of view through this; it's the most interesting part. Start with her, stick with her. Get us into her head, and we will feel a much deeper connection to the story.

Instead of saying they were racist, give us examples. We need specific details to make a story stick to us. Don't rely on the reader to infer their own understanding of a concept--show us what you mean.

I'd like to see the moment she realizes she's a goner. We need a visceral understanding of her terror, and you completely jumped past that point.
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Review of My Addiction  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Wow. This is a huge story, an interesting, important one to write.

It's also very difficult for me to review because I'm not sure what you're trying to get at with this. Let me clarify:

If your goal is to simply reach out to other addicts as a brief summary of your struggles, okay. It accomplishes this, though I'd suggest combining sentences and working on the prose to have a smoother, stronger voice throughout. Play with the sentences, how they're set up, and how they sound.

If you just want to leave it as a call toward relatability, then I think you've got to focus a little more inward, a little more meditation, and a lot more emotion/mental state. We don't know you, which is so odd, considering it's written in first person. Get us in your head. What are you thinking about all these drugs, what are your fears, what's even your daily routine as a drug dealer or a pusher? The reason, I think, that certain texts touch others is based entirely on the relatability of the characters, not the content. This is a profile about you (presumably, if this is non-fiction), and therefore we need to know you. We need to know how you think, how you operate, how you put two and two together. We need to see your fear, your joy, your weaknesses, your strengths.

If your goal is to write your biography, which I absolutely think you should do, then you've GOT to accept that this story is going to be HUGE. It may not reach 300 pages or whatever, but it could quite easily surpass that, depending on what you want to focus on. But one step at a time.

As I said, this is a huge story, and a complex, emotional journey. It's perfect for writing. It may be cynical of me to say, but who the hell cares about perfect lives? People are driven by struggle, and this has plenty of it, or at least it will when you're done.

The key is to build scenes. Setting, characters, voice, dialogue, everything. Even if it feels like you're making it up, don't be afraid. Just go with it. It doesn't have to be true, but it has to be the Truth.

It's a fascinating beginning, in your father's liquor shop. I want to read more about your family life, your friends, everything. What do you look like? The places you go? The people around you? There's so much there that needs to be explored. It's a daunting task, but if you've got the cajones to do it, and I think you do just by reading this, then you could go somewhere really great with this.
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
What a fun story. I like the concept, and your writing is pretty strong. I was drawn along, and I was invested in the character.

The main problem with this piece is the structure. I'm not sure why it's structured like this. Usually, skipping time and going through flashbacks are meant to enhance the story; there's no reason this should be told half in flashback. I understand the need to "grab" the reader, but I think a grumpy, snarky, pushy 32-year veteran of the office can provide enough tension at the get-go with an internalized rant that you have already provided here (obviously it would have to be revised):

But me, I come in every morning promptly at 8 am. They stroll in an hour or two later wearing their business casual clothing, which I think is another name for sloppy. That’s what I wear on the weekend to the grocery store. In my day, men wore suits and ties and women wore skirts. I told them how much more professional they would feel if they looked respectable but they dismiss me as an old lady. Then they stand around talking about TV shows or sports games. I try to keep conversations to a minimum because loud conversations are disturbing. It seems I spend the entire day asking them to be quiet.

This sets up the character and her dynamic so well.

Then just tell the story as it happens. It keeps us in the moment and would increase the tension. It would free up a lot of the narrative and make us connect with her even more.

We need a stronger sense of who Tom and John are. Anecdotes, or over-the-top attitudes, or whatever. They're in here so briefly and we get such a nice understanding of Katherine that the two men seem lost in the shuffle.

When Katherine goes to the house, expand on the scene. What's she thinking as she climbs the trellis? Why doesn't she bother with the police first, just to see what they'd say? She doesn't strike me as someone who would up and go and try to break up a murder plot without first trying to get the police involved. She seems the type that would go to the police, be rebuffed, get angry, and then set out on her own.

Additionally, you should force her to meditate more on WHY she's so against a murderous plot--what does it mean to her personally? Sure, it's illegal, and it's wrong, but what else does it mean to her? Why is she so adamant about stopping this? Raise the stakes for her, and it will cause the tension to rise.

I'm not sold on the ending; it doesn't seem to fit that she gets hit by a car and dies. What's the story then? What's the point of this?
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Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
There are some amusing moments in here, and I think the characters have hints of interesting personalities, but much of it needs to be fleshed out.

First, please, please, please make a concerted effort to turn in clean manuscripts to your readers. This is chock-full of grammatical errors which makes it incredibly difficult to read. And at several points you shift your tense from past to present. It's very jarring.

On another technical note, please try to avoid using passive voice whenever possible. It slows down the narrative and, frankly, isn't very interesting reading.

Your introduction needs to be reworked. When you introduce a character in a story, try to do so organically; that is, introduce them as they are doing something. Static descriptions and lists as you've done do not make the reader retain any of that information. We need them moving. Small anecdotes can work as well.

"Three boys were in a small bedroom one day, playing PS3 games. Two boys were sitting on the bed. The first was about nineteen, was five foot ten, with shaggy brown hair, pale skin and blue eyes, wearing a black Jaws shirt and blue jeans. The second was also nineteen, curly black hair light tan and black eyes, wore a grey hoodie, green joker shirt and brown cargo shorts. the last was around sixteen, short dirty blond hair, darkblue tshirt and bleached jeans. It was a normal enough day, the sun was shining, the game was good, but this was to be the first day of the first day of the rest of thier lives. Garry's attention was drawn from the game to the door of Sam's closet, which he never saw open. "Yo Sam what's in the closet?" Garry asked opening the door to find an aray of flashing, swirling colors."

Consider how difficult it is to picture this scene. We have absolutely no context within which to place these characters, only abstract descriptions. You don't even bother to name them as you describe them. Simply listing them often makes your reader start skimming, which is bad.

We need concrete details in setting. Setting creates ambience and mood. Manipulation of the setting manipulates the characters also. Consider this passage by Steven Millhauser, from his work, Martin Dressler:

…he was standing in the window of his father’s cigar store, looking out at the street. He liked the striped, shady awnings across the way, the sunshiny cobbles, the heavy bent head dray horse pulling a delivery wagon. He watched the sunshot ripple of muscles in the shoulder of the horse and a lady with green feathers in her hat…

Setting can be incorporated organically and seamlessly. We absolutely need that, especially when we are suddenly in a dimensional worm hole.

As for the rest of the story, I'm not sure where this is going.

Much of this reads as toilet humor for high school and college-aged young men who are a bit smitten with Kevin Smith and those films such as "Date Movie," etc. I'd like to see a smarter attempt at humor; often, toilet humor comes from a forcing comedy. Just let it flow naturally. The toilet humor doesn't add to the characters or the story; it simply sits there, taking up more and more space.

Okay, as a first chapter, you might want to rethink where you've started. Try walking us through a normal day in their lives. Give us natural introductions to your characters as they interact with one another. This will also allow the reader to understand the rules of the universe you've created. And then end the chapter with a cliffhanger--falling into the dimensional doorway would work just fine. But right now all we're getting is a crapload of exposition and not much else.

As it sits, you can quite easily ignore that bit of advice and just retool by clarifying the rules of the universe and working toward introducing the story. All we have right now are a couple cases of pregnancy. That's it. That doesn't propel the story at all, considering you started with them being referred to as heroes. In fact, these come across as side stories, not the actual story arc. If you decide to keep your starting spot, then we absolutely need an introduction to the tension and conflict of the overall story by the end.
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Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Very amusing story. I think you have an excellent sense of humor and timing.

One of the main detracting points of this tale is its grammar and format. Please reformat with paragraph breaks, indents, and proper separation of dialogue. It is very difficult to follow who is saying what. There are many grammatical errors that need to be addressed as well.

On another technical point, try avoiding the use of the passive voice if possible. It slows down the narrative.

Structurally, this isn't bad. I like the goings-on in this piece. I would, however, like to know more about Kaas; who is he? Why is he helping? He needs a stronger story; we can't simply drop characters in whenever we want without exploring their motivations and personality.

We also need more concrete details about the things around them--setting, characters, etc. What do the dragons look like? The witches? You aren't properly introducing them, by the way. Consider this passage:

After an hour of walking up the mountain they stopped to sit down and rest. Little did they know that behind a massive boulder something was brewing, something that could stop them from getting what they so desired.
“In goes breast of chicken black,
Add to that some wine so white,
In goes onion to add some slack,
Bring to heat and leave in sight,
Then when the time is right,
Remove from heat and then attack!” The witch finished her rhyme and raised her hand; thunder struck the ground next to her and another witch appeared, after a while a mini whirlwind appeared and that brought with it yet another witch. The three witches gathered around the cauldron,

You simply refer to the speaker as "The witch." This works under the assumption that we know that they are witches. You should introduce them before we hear them like so: (this is just a throwaway bit)

Little did they know that behind a massive boulder something was brewing, something that could stop them from getting what they so desired. They heard thin, scratchy voices reciting a poem.

And then launch into the poem. At the end of it, you can pause and give us some setting, telling us what we as the reader should see.

Don't put Ultimate Cheese Grater in italics or bold font; it's not necessary.

Ok so the main problem with this story is its lack of concrete focus. That is, it actually reads as though you are trying to put crazy notions in as you go along, without any real map of where you're headed. That doesn't usually work so well. It fools you into working here because of the lack of concrete details and the upbeat, comedic voice, but it lacks real resonance (even for a comedic piece). We need stronger descriptions of what's going on, a stronger sense of these characters (Kaas in particular) and a greater sense of tension. The comedic aspect of this may have fooled you into thinking you don't need tension or conflict, but you do. The idea of looking for a greater grater is a fun one, but we need to have something invested in it. We need to know that it's important to the character. Raise the stakes. Give us something to root for. Flesh out the settings.
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
What a great setting! I always, always say that setting is a character, and here you really engage the setting. I love the voice, and it's well written. Very confident.

Problems:

While the setting is incredibly well sorted, it's not going in the right direction. Instead of malevolence, we're getting comfort. Saying that the "darkness and silence settled down over me like a soft blanket" makes me really just want to stay up late, grab a beer, and enjoy the night.

Now, does the night absolutely need to be malevolent? No, but it can't be a comforting night with the ending you've given us. Maybe something is wrong. Something is off. The character has to reflect that. We need a stronger sense of panic building up. Engage the setting more in his search for his roommate. Say things like "the clock ticked away, mocking my steps through the apartment" or something that really gets under the character's skin. The tension needs to increase as we look for Jimmy, and since not much else is happening, you'll have to manipulate it. Otherwise, the ending just sticks there as a "jump out and grab you" sort. It has to be built in through tone and ambience since there's so little action going on.

I think a couple rewrites and you'll be set... just build it up.
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Review of Gayhouse  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Interestingly, this is a nice summary of what a story could be about. But as a short story, which you've categorized this, it is incomplete. There are no scenes, just exposition and summary. We don't know anything about the characters--in fact, we really only know of one. The others are unnamed and vague.

I think this could be a basis for an interesting story, but where are you taking us?

If this is a true story, then that really sucks. The best advice I can offer is to ignore them. Just pretend they don't matter to you, because, really, they don't. Why would they? Who are they to bother you with this trivial stuff? More often than not, if they try something on you, and it fails to illicit ANY kind of response, they'll leave it alone because they'll be too embarrassed that they didn't get you upset at all. Just ignore them like nothing happened, like you didn't hear them, and walk on.
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Rated: E | (3.0)
I like the idea, it's cute, and it's got a bit of spunk to it. But dialogue by itself is not a short story (which this is categorized as)... so I'm not sure if I can really make a proper critique.

This line in particular struck me:

“That’s what I’m going to do Officer!”

Why is he so quick to come out? I don't understand this at all.

The lines themselves are almost sitcom-esque of the late 80s-early 90s variety. I can almost hear, "You got it dude!" by one of the olsen twins on Full House in the background. Is that what you were aiming for?
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Rated: E | (3.5)
There is some lovely language and really beautiful moments in here... and a lot of poetic sentiment shines through.

I'd like to see some more conflict and tension. Sure there's this undercurrent of wanting to know her children, but she needs to really change by the end. As it is, this is much more of a musing than a story. Which isn't bad. It's very well written, and there's even a bit of a climax. But we need something more that will drive the story. What is it that will make her decide to change? To go through that struggle? The tale of the housewife is an interesting one, because, really, what is there for her to do? There seems to be a bit of a passive, submissive quality to her, and I'd like to see that explored a little. She should be in charge, but she seems almost impotent to her children's personalities.
13
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I was with you until the end.

There's so much that's working in here... I love the voice, the characters are realistic, though the dialogue with a two-or-three month boyfriend is a little wooden. The pacing in the beginning can be increased a little; it seems a bit plodding right now, as though you're looking for the right path. It's nearly there.

I like the way the story builds its tension. It's very nice. We are right there with Beverly at every step. I don't think it's very realistic that she'd be thinking about sexy outfits in the midst of a full-blown hallucinatory breakdown though.

The ending is completely out of left field and it really is jarring. I wish so much that this story went a different direction because so much was working until it got to be supernatural. There's such a nice and realistic weight to everything, and at the moment that we realize that it's a hard-and-fast supernatural ending that doesn't resolve anything, everything that came before it loses its weight and authenticity. The ending is kind of a cop-out. She's working and struggling through so much--I just wish she got somewhere else. I don't know where, exactly, maybe suppressed memories since that theme is certainly brought up...
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for entry "Who is T?" Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Good start.

Firstly, please format the story into an easier-to-read format with line breaks and indentations. It is difficult to read and I had to force myself to read this.

I like the main character, though she's a little boring. I think she should be a little more of a "loser" or something. Tanya's definitely got character and I think she resonates a good amount. Pitch-perfect for the best friend.

There are too many children in her family! Holy cow, I don't know how you will be able to juggle all the names and make sure the audience knows who is who. It's very difficult with such a large cast--are you sure you want that many kids?

And this text message.... why isn't she texting back and at least asking who it is? I think it's quite scary for a high school girl to go meet someone she doesn't know somewhere that sounds pretty dangerous. Jade seems to have her head on straight, so it seems out of character that she'd consider it, much less not even bother to text back or call to see who it is.

End your chapters with cliffhangers... they'll keep your readers (presumably young adults) reading on.
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Such a lovely, horrifying, beautiful story. There are moments that really grab the reader. The idea behind this is very well fleshed out, and there are such awful details that are truly gut-wrenching.

Problems:

There is too much summary and exposition. We need solid scenes to really connect with the characters. Dialogue, concrete details, resonant moments that are really fleshed out. As it is, there is too much of a wall between the reader and the story because we aren't getting enough. Now, like I said, there are really beautiful moments--but they can really hit home if you get us into solid scenes. We dont' need every idea/event expanded, but a couple would be nice.
16
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Review of One White Rose  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
There is some really nice prose in here. There are moments of beauty, though at times you go a little overboard and it gets a little cheesy. Beware of oversentimentality.

I'm afraid that the whole piece is a little too obvious. This type of story has been told so many times over; what's new that's being brought to the table? Why are you asking us to read this story again?

Also, I don't understand the ending between the daughter and Marie. When she says he'll be there tomorrow, is he still alive and they are fast-forwarding later to the scene with the white rose? If so, the transition needs to be clarified. If not, then it also needs to be clarified because normal people wouldn't really say things like "he'll be there tomorrow" when talking about a dead body in a hospital.

Also, for logistical reasons: I've worked at a hospital and we do not allow viewings of bodies or access to the morgue to non-hospital or funeral home professionals. I find it hard to believe that they'd be allowed access to the morgue for the purpose of laying a rose on his chest. Usually the nurses keep the body in the room for however long the family wishes, and then they move it to the morgue, then the funeral home will pick it up after the family has made arrangements with them. The funeral home may be a better place for this scene.
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Review of Untitled  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
I like the content, I like the pacing a whole lot. It works well, it reads easily. There's a nice dynamic being formed between Wilmington and "The Real World," which is cool, and we get a nice sense of what it's like to live in a beach town that gets inundated by tourists every summer.

However, this isn't a short story. Not even close. This is more of an essay. There's no story here to speak of. There are assertions, there are generalities... but there are no characters (even the 1st person narrator doesn't appear in any scene--just vague expository paragraphs). As such, there's no drama, there's no dialogue, there's no conflict explored, there's no character arc, nothing that would make this a story.

But this could definitely work--and work quite effectively--as an essay. Focus it. There are too many ideas being explored: real world vs. Wilmington, leaving to college, the "prestigious" program, growing up, etc. Or connect them all to the theme of the beach. Who knows. But something needs to draw it all together.

If you want to make this into a story, which it could, but it would need a lot of work, first figure out a conflict or a tension point. Then plop it in there, build some solid scenes with real characters and see what happens. You have the world all figured out. I think you even have ideas of who the characters are. It will probably be very easy for you if you want to go this route.

But as this sits, it reads as an early draft of an essay or a setting-study for a short story. It can't be both.
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Are you planning on expanding this piece? It's an absolutely fantastic piece that could really, really strike a chord if it was expanded. As it is, the emotions are strong and the tension is vivid. But I'd like to get into the story a little more.

When you summarize and don't show a story, then a wall comes up between the reader and the piece. We aren't in the moment. We don't experience it as deeply as we could. And this piece has all the makings of a great one.

I'm not convinced we need to hide the fact that the narrator is a boy. I think that lends a lot of weight and depth to the mother's character. And it's also manipulative because you're intentionally misleading the reader and hiding facts that would otherwise be blatant.

If you do decide to expand this, the skeleton is already in place and the scenes would almost write themselves. Get us some dialogue, get us in the moment, let us feel things as they develop.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Funny list.

I don't necessarily agree that grammar should be such a massive part of the critique process. In fact, I think it's much more important to address what's working in the story and what's not. Grammar and spelling can just as easily be addressed by any low-level intern as it can an editor, so I don't see why so many people on this site are absolutely in love with critiquing a piece by proofreading for grammar and technical points.

However, I will agree that it's disrespectful to your reader(s) to submit an unclean copy. People should have a decent grasp of spelling and grammar, and I've gathered from the pieces I've critiqued since joining that people generally do. If someone doesn't have an understanding of the rule, then sure, mention it. But it boggles my mind that so many people actually spend the effort to go through a piece with colors and fancy formatting just to point out typographical errors.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
This piece has such a nice voice. There are really great moments of clarity and confidence, and the characters are so vivid. The dialogue is very strong. Excellent pacing.

Problems:

The beginning needs to be clarified; we need to know that it's nighttime, she's gone off the road, and the rain is deep enough to cause her to fall to her knees. As it is, we don't get a strong sense of her environment for a while. For all we knew, she was just standing on the road, stark raving mad. We realize what's going on by the third paragraph, but until then we're left grasping at something concrete to ground us.

Where's the tension? Where's the conflict? What is Denise working through--or, rather, how is she working through this with Martha? They have a nice conversation, but it doesn't strike me as emotionally moving, heavy, weighted, or enough to spark an epiphany. It seems more like an introduction to a larger conflict/tension. For instance, we get all these nice details about how she's lived in the past, but how does Denise's presence change Martha, and vice versa? It actually seemed like you were setting up a completely different direction for us to travel with her somewhat-creepy desire to keep things fifty years in the past. As it is, the climax simply isn't there, well, it's not enough for us. We aren't getting much of an arc because we don't believe that she's healed as much as you claim by the end. We need to see her work through this horrific pain, we need to see her struggle, and at the very moment when we don't know if she or she and Martha are going to make it, you drive the point home (however this may be) and we are given that moment of change, that moment of clarity and earth-shaking relief.
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Review of ---  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Wow. What an ending! I love that.

Some parts of this are absolutely beautiful. Lovely language, a lot of stuff that's hitting right on the mark. This works more as poetry than a traditional story and it's very strong in voice and resonance.

There are some bits that need clarification:

"I never hear a song the first time it sings; I wait for the mockingbird’s echo. "

How does this dynamic of a song and a mockingbird's echo work? It really makes no sense to me.

"The droplets settle back reluctantly after each passing set of wheels. "

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be seeing here. The droplets on the windshield? Whose passing set of wheels? Other people? Or is the narrator passing other people's cars?

"When it rains, the water writes equations on the window panes."

Odd metaphor. Never considered this connection between the rain on the windshield and an equation... not sure it makes sense.

"Walking to school on Monday morning, the mist is always hovering three inches above the ground. "

"the mist is always hovering" is kind of awkwardly formed because the idea of walking to school on Monday morning implies a specific Monday morning. Maybe it should read something like "I walk to school every Monday morning and the mist always hovers three inches above the ground."

Absolutely lovely piece but be careful of how you construct your similes, metaphors, descriptions; too vague and you sound as though you're using flowery language just for the sake of flowery language. Give it weight. Anchor each bit with something solid.
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Review of The God Factory  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
I'm not sure if this is complete; it seems like you've just started, to be honest. I'd like to see some kind of conflict occur. Some source of tension needs to be introduced. Maybe he gets overloaded with work requests by Fred and he can't maintain it all as he's trying to impress him. Who knows. But we need something to root for.

I'm really against a one-sided conversation. It's jarring, it's distracting, it's confusing, and it doesn't feel natural. We don't get any sense of Fred's character, even though he's the only one that knows what Xavier is doing. I'm not sure the purpose behind keeping him mute. It just doesn't work.

Now, I like the concept a lot actually. Exploring the bureaucratic nightmare of a manufacturing plant which manufactures deities sounds absolutely hilarious. But we need some kind of story.
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Review of Paranoia  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
Improper use of the semi-colon. Please look up the rules as you are using them incorrectly, and in other places you are using commas when you mean to use semi-colons. In fact, most writers should refrain from using them until they have a strong grasp on their proper usage. Also, there are several run on sentences.

Odd descriptions in the first paragraph:

"bleached-knuckle cupped hands"

Did he bleach his knuckles? Why would he do that? If this is some kind of metaphor, or just a description of his white knuckles, it just isn't working.

"phone-stabbings"

I'm not sure what this is. Is someone being stabbed with a phone? Or are people being stabbed for their phones?

"robotic complexities adorning the faces of each soul-starved one; their pupils heavy with disregard to everything other than would cause hindrance to their pace."

Have faces received some sort of robotic implantations which robbed the people of their autonomy and will to live, thus rendering them soul-starved? This is very confusing stuff. How can a pupil be heavy with disregard? Remember: metaphors and metonyms work on some inkling of logic.

"Stanley found comfort in this, minimal human contact was often preferred, yet still, he would offer small glances of half-minded interest to all the aesthetic qualities of the grime which surrounded him; as not to raise suspicion."

I'm not sure what this means. These descriptions are too open-ended for interpretation. Use concrete details to push your reader into the spot where you want them. Don't go overboard with flowery language and pseudo-metaphoric descriptions; more often than not, that type of language is distracting. Here, it just doesn't work. And that's just in the first paragraph.

How can the cold jab him opium? There are too many moments in here that force the reader to reread what you've written and try to make sense of your language. Keep it simple. Why do we need so many metaphors and descriptors that are, frankly, poorly used? It builds a wall around the character and prevents the reader from really connecting. Try keeping it as simple as you can and then reworking and adding denser language a little bit at a time. Right now it is so distracting that it took me perhaps ten minutes longer than necessary to make heads or tails of this.

I like the ending. I think the action sequence is handled well, and the pacing really picks up. We get a sense of tension and it draws the reader in. The previous bits in the story are just kind of "there." That is, they add description but don't move the story along. I'm not sure how I feel about the police encounter though. It's a little obvious.

As it sits, I'd get rid of most of the language you're using as descriptors. I realize you're trying to make the setting foreboding, but I'm not getting that sense. I'm getting a sense of disconnect, not one of fear. The ending creeps up on us and isn't that successful, though it may be the most successful part of this story due to its increased pace and readability.
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
There's a lot in this story I like. The voice is strong, the characters are likable. I like the idea of quiltmaking for memories and whatnot.

However, the problem is that there isn't much tension. What is she struggling against? Where is the conflict?

The ending may provide some of that, but obviously it's not part of the entire piece. More on the ending later. The little memories are nice, and we get a nice reminiscent narrative, but be careful that you don't fall into the trap of writing reminsence for the sake of reminiscence. It's too easy. We want complications. Complications, conflict, tension... these things drive a story. We need more going on in real time other than putting together a quilt. It's a lovely piece, don't get me wrong. But I don't get a sense that we're working toward anything, that the character isn't going through an arc.

And that brings us to the end. I don't like these types of endings, the "twist" or "surprise" endings... they feel contrived and manipulative. This ending in particular isn't working because it negates every single thing brought up in the story. It's like one of those stories you read or see that's got all these cool things going on, and then out of nowhere the main character realizes they were dreaming. It doesn't work with the content at all. For a better example to illustrate what I mean, consider the Sixth Sense. The ending works because it deals with the content that the entire story brought up before. It's "earned." Here, it doesn't resonate because it has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the story. It detracts.

However. If you want it to work, I think you need to bring in the notion and the understanding throughout the piece that she WANTS children. This is just an idea, but what if she wasn't in a nursing home? Maybe she runs a daycare for her church or something as a volunteer. We would get a chance to see her interact with children, we would see her longing for them. Who knows. Just remember: she doesn't have to suffer from dementia or psychosis, just obsessed. But you have to earn that ending if you want to stick with it. The story has to be built for that twist, and it's not.

As I said, so much in this story is working, but it needs to be more focused. The ending needs to be earned or replaced altogether. But since you need to build up the body anyway, you're pretty open-ended as to what to do with it.
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Review of Sitting On Shoes  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
I wanted the husband to find him. That would inject life into the story and really take the tension up. As it is, there's virtually no tension, no conflict. What do we care if he's getting picked up? What does this mean? I suggest picking up the pacing and getting to her house sooner and getting the husband into a scene. Build up the fear throughout! Why even bother including the friends and the back story of NCAA games? Nice details need to resonate and add to a piece. The details of the friends and their drinking and hanging out with the DJ booth is kind of unnecessary.

The first paragraph is useless. A lot of writers think they need to use an intro paragraph or conclusion because that's the style of writing our grade school teachers have beat into our heads, but the fact is, you can start wherever, and however you want. But get us going.

The main character is sufficiently dorky. He doesn't have the guts to make the move on the woman, he doesn't really do anything. He's incredibly passive--maybe too passive. We need to see something in him that makes us want to root for him. A story should include an epiphany or a moment of climactic change for the character. What about him has changed in this story? We need to explore that more. Maybe he finally becomes a little more assertive. Who knows. But we need him to undergo some sort of change. As it sits, sure, he rejects her at the end, and that's okay, but why? We don't get a strong sense of his fear or anxiety while he's hiding in the closet. We'd get a better sense if we met the husband.

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