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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/hot_chocolate
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Public Reviews
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Review by hot_chocolate Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello there *Smile* Noticed your item is a year old, but you edited it recently so I hope this review is still relevant for you.

Overall: I liked the message of this piece, that if you have faith in the end it will have its rewards, however I don't feel like the message was as conveyed as well as it could have been. If I'm honest at times I wondered what the point to the whole story was about, but you did finish it nicely so it was clear then. I also liked your writing style as it was punchy while still giving the reader enough imagery like the scene in the Bahamas to make it easy to visualise, I also liked the very homely comments like Mark wanting to teach his grandson how to fish. The main problem I had with it was that you kept changing your person narrative without any clear cause. It started off with Olivia being followed closely in third person, but then there were a few sentences when it changed to entirely Olivia's point of view with no indication in the writing that it was about to happen.

A few things I noticed:

*Bullet* The two references to Olivia's childhood in your opening are so close together, I think it would make more sense to link them together rather than interrupting them with the present, so the writing flows better.

*Bullet* "She believed the Dental Assitant"
Should be assistant

*Bullet* "color of his face was white with pain,the reason"
Teeny point, but you missed out a gap after the comma.

*Bullet* "spa treatments and the best resturants"
Should be restaurants

*Bullet* "Spring brought bright golden daffodils but severe back"
Maybe include a word like 'also' after 'but' so the sentence flows better.

*Bullet* "extensive reoccurance of the cancer"
Should be reoccurrence

*Bullet* "They did have a experimental drug "
Should be an

*Bullet* "She is an hair stylist to the stars"
Should be a

I think this piece deserves *Star**Star**Star*

Keep on writing! *Smile*
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