II really enjoyed your piece, I was appaled, chilled, and warmed to all three characters, even the ghosts with her limited dialogue. ( I know not supposed to warm to the man, I hated him, but became interested in him - that's what I mean by warm, if I'm cold with a character, completely disinterested.)
I had a few suggestions
The part about the hazy street lights could be rewritten - "the form of the few nearby street lights hazy orange glow."
He forced down the bile that rose in his throat - expand slightly, I've heard that phrase too many times before. I think perhaps make it an involuntary swallowing, rather than forcing it down, as though his subconscious was forcing him to consume what he had done, inward punishment etc.
the floor boards. - in car?
I really liked these parts also.
Your description of the storm, both your phrases such as this..
storm raged in indignation against the offending obstacle
and calling it unnatural - was a good indication of what was to come.
The powercut, although a little cliche, due to your prior mentioning of her fear of shadows was effective, perhaps make a bigger deal out of that when the power cuts hit - reference her childhood?
I loved this phrase :)
He did not sign up to become a victim of circumstance. - GOOD
And the humour at the end which relieved the tension is testament to the creative aspect you have, you evidently carved this piece, it has legs, i hope you Write On!
Look forward to reading the rest, in fact I'm going to chapter two now. :)
Unwritten.
Almost humour releaves the tension, well written.
Hahaaa, truely brilliant comedy. I had no idea what was coming then but that really was funny.
Toilet humour can be funny! You proved it!
I'm not sure about 'mum'? In England that's how we say Mother.. so that seems a bit wierd, perhaps numb?
I think the lines
Tween tipsied pair i'd been viewing
a pissing match tis brewing"
I think could be.
"Tween tipsied pair i had been viewing
A pissing match is surely brewing"
I think the syllable's have more bounce that way, and therefore sound more comical.
I also think you should say
"no hands, you cheat" rather than "no cheat" It sounds accusatory and a bit more jokey.
But thankyou very much, highly entertaining, and extremely amusing!
Write on. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
Brilliant, i was honestly transfixed by this idea. I never thought of it like that. I'm only just learning to drive now so at traffic lights i breath this sigh of relief and your right, i do find myself shedding all thought and just waiting for go- thinking of nothing other than that signal.
I particularly liked the idea of "potential energy" - a physics refrence i'm assuming - because each body still has potential energy when driving , but what i liked about it was the idea of a half energetic, half asleep state of meditation. The 'potential' energy is almost half way between movement and stillness and it gave the correct description of half way between reality and unconsciousness when i read it, brilliant!
I also liked the finishing rhyming couplet, making it smaller than the rest of the stanzas did emphasise the point of a cycle, that this cycle finished to let way to another. I liked the idea of going round and round in a Karmic cycle when really, your heading for a destination in your vehicle. This contrast of physical destination and spiritual destination was very good :)
one thing i would change is..
"yoga spot" i would say space, spot is almost to colloquial in contrast to the spirituality of yoga (unless of course that harsh contrast is what you are going for, i feel it could be softer as the contrast is already made with the setting)
and the "men and women" You don't need to add in the sylables by putting this, you could say "beings" "we" "humans" etc. i think most effectively would be "we sigh" though it would be short, the collective pronoun would also include the reader in the third person plural and in the present tense.
Other than that it's perfect, well done, Write On! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
A good start, well done! I'm presuming the lyrics would be to a slow song rather than fast, to me it seems slow, pensive, and something that should be soft. Although i'm sure you have your own melody in mind :)
I particularly like the way you used "outside the light" rather than inside the shadows. It shows that you thought about the isolation of the character/singer by using 'outside' rather than painting him as 'within' the shadows. I thought that twist was very cleverly worded, showing that he is not even welcomed in the dark.
I also liked the "repeating these words / But nothings really said." it rings true both too the situation and the song.
Suggestions:
I would change bleeding in the first chorus, to perhaps crying from his wrists? Just because the bleeding from his wrists sounds rather cliched and overdone. The pain you want to express is an inner one, using crying (an emotive verb) would be better than using bleeding, which only insinuates physical pain. You could even say "talking from his wrists/whispering from his wrists." which would tie in with the unheard/unseen theme.
It's very good, i would say perhaps one more verse/chorus or a repeated to fade last line but other than that, well done and write on!
Against all my better judgements - i actually like this!
I hate cheese and onion crisps though, and yet i think it's good that i'm automatically repulsed by your images and smells because that shows you've got them correct - it's my natural reaction. the synaesthetic image of the smell played on memory and that's good to subconciously remind your reader of something. You can apply a lot of those techniques more subtly in other writing. Preferably something that doesn't taste so horrible!!
haha.
I particularly like the smiling bag. It's a very nice image, i think maybe you could talk about the silvery glint of it's tongue or something? rather than "it has given up all that it had" which is my only complaint because it seems as though it's added in and then repeated within "Bag has been pillaged, robbed, defiled" the line seems unnecessary that's all :)
Write on!
If i could give this more than 5 i would, deserves it's award and much more.
Even I (a Brit) felt a patriotic american reading this poem, it touched my heart - and i'm sure it did for others too.
I've read some war poems, and many good ones, but i think this is way up there with the best.
After viewing a few of your peices i'm so glad somebody recomended you too me - i think it was leila123, but this peice has been the best so far!
Thankyou for writing this.
A brilliant poignant peice, recomended to me by somebody else on the site and i'm glad i stopped by to check it, it really made me think and your right, ofcourse. Humans have no sence of moderation - we just have what we want. We continue to make up new scams containing alcahol or drugs "extacy won't kill you - it's the water levels" or "a glass of wine a day keeps the doctor away" and these are all another way to allow us to continue our guilty pleasures.
I enjoyed this peice a lot, please - write on!
A very touching story :) I don't know weather or not it is true but all the same very heartfelt.
I WANT THE LEGACY TOO , I'd love to travel. And reading this made me want it more. I saw everything in this poem from the Rocky mountains to the Norfolk beach. Vivid and warm, Loved it.
Wow, very creepy :) I think that you should put "i would see the colour of the abys within the ocean that i am describing now" rather than repeat blue, or something like that.
It sounds like a very personal memory and i assure you that IS a complement :) Esecially if it isn't
Write on.
Very emotional, i felt anguished at the end of it. I particularly like the last stanza, the cheap supermarket plates imagery is well used.
I really like it and there's hardly any suggestions i can make, i have two but only from searching :)
I think in the second stanza you could maybe use "to me, this is some surprise" rather than "because" just to clarify that it is only one of the personas that was shocked because, obviously, the other plotted it.
and in the first bit of the first stanza, you could probably leave out "a journey of" and just have "our delight from the first kiss" so that the rythm remains it's even-ness.
Write on
An enjoyable read. I would like to know what comes next :) Also, i love the idea of the elements. I'm intrigued and am glad you have finished this. As yet it could go anywhere. :D
I'm just wondering wheather fire and woods go with wind and rain? Two are weather elements, one is an area, and one is an element that is only existant by others (fire) . Though i'm sure you have your reasons. :)
Hi. I'm Honor. From sunny England. Oh yes, the north-west is my reigon.
16, at college.
Just thought i'd introduce myself :)
Could anybody tell me what a Bitem is? I havn't a clue.
xxX
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