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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/hollymerry
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1,525 Public Reviews Given
1,579 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Honest and encouraging
I'm good at...
Proofreading for grammar, letting you know which areas of your writing work and which might be improved
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, historical, adventure, sci-fi
Least Favorite Genres
Murder, horror, erotica
Favorite Item Types
I’m happy to review all types of item
I will not review...
Anything with graphic violence, sexual content or profanity
Public Reviews
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1
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Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I liked how this chapter opened with a sense of tension and the inciting incident of Thom's death came so soon. I felt like the story was clearly situated into a world which was already developed with characters and a scenarios in mid-action and this was satisfying. You gave readers enough expository information to understand the story amongst the action and dialogue so that the world-building felt natural. The story contains many details that fans of sci-fi will be interested in and promises to be an interesting read.

Some suggestions:
I'd like to know some more details about K'Tran and Thom's appearance. For example, do they look like normal humans and what features do they have that are distinctive to them so that I can picture how they look. Do they have special suits or armed clothing and what do these look like?
The opening sentence was great, I just wondered if it might be more impactful if the smell of starship fuel came last in the listing to make readers more surprised: 'The air in the tunnel was a suffocating mix of damp earth, rot and starship fuel.'
There should be a full stop after said here: 'he said, his whisper seemed as loud as a shout in the cramped confines.'
There is a missing full stop at the end of this sentence: 'spur the Galactic Confederation into taking action'
I'd like to have a little more about K'Tran's thoughts regarding the pursuit of Thring -- do they change as Thom dies? Does he perhaps want revenge and the hunt for Thring turns into a personal vendetta, but then checks himself as he realises that he will have to be canny to keep himself safe as Thring is a powerful and dangerous force unto himself? Something like this would fit with the idea that Jesse will want revenge when he is an adult and needs K'Tran's more sensible help as it seems he might pursue vengeance in a hot-headed way.
I wondered what a warwick is given that it has paws and seems to be a friend to Thom's child. Please add a description of it, plus a little about its habitat and characteristics here.


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Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a fabulous story which does a great job of showing, not telling. The world-building details are rich and I loved the fact that Mina connects with the lake and surrounding nature in song as this made a beautiful opening. The details of the Wonderland Circus and quest are exciting and I hope there will be more to this story.
Having Ryan volunteer in the animal sanctuary is a great idea and it's good to have characters like Ryan and Mina doing such worthwhile things to help animals and nature. The sense of connection to nature and their motivation to enjoy time in the natural world are great to inspire younger readers to enjoy the outdoors.

Here are a few suggestions for improvements which I hope will help this story on the way to publication:
I think that a semi-colon would work better here instead of a comma as you go on to give extra information: '...long lost royal powers, the ability...'
I wondered what Mina's avatar looks like in the first sentence and a little detail on this might help readers picture it and add in some world-building.
The part about the mysterious sounds that Mina hears and the birds would work better if you joined the sentences on these subjects into paragraphs as too many short paragraphs can be repetitive for readers and longer ones sometimes work best for related descriptions.
Change the part where Mina's eyes lit up as it is told in first person and she cannot see her eyes unless she glances at her reflection in the lake water. Also where a red tint dusted her cheeks she cannot see this so could either see her face as a reflection or just feel herself blushing.


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3
3
Review of My Furry Doormat  Open in new Window.
Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a fabulous read full of comic moments -- I loved every minute of it!
I enjoyed the structure of the paragraphs with the second and third ones having a mirrored structure as they focus on the changes Apollo made to the garden and house and end with the rewards of food that he claimed for himself. It was interesting to read that he enjoyed snacking on fruit as my dog did too and used to tell me whenever cherries, strawberries or apples were ripe in the garden.
Apollo is such a cool name for a dog and I would like his name to appear earlier in the story, plus some explanation of why this name was chosen. Apollo is always depicted as athletic, so the name might be ironic given that the dog is a doormat, or link to his artistic sense of aesthetics in rearranging the house and garden!
I think that the sentences about the carpet and remote control should be separated as they cover different antics and the sentence is quite long.
The part about Apollo heading the vet's fan club made me smile! I'd love to know why he enjoyed visiting the vet so much -- was it just that he was super friendly to everyone or did the vet get in his good books by giving him treats?
I don't think you need to mention that Dug is in the movie "Up" twice as readers will remember this from the first mention, so just his name should work okay the second time.


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4
4
Review of Abby Lane  Open in new Window.
Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
To be honest, I found this story confusing to read with very little progress. It was difficult to understand what was going on and I appreciate that the lack of paragraphing and spelling errors are meant to be an accurate replication of a teenage delinquent's diary but they made it incredibly hard to read. The fact that incidents were exaggerated and repeated made the storyline rather dull and I did not notice a change even after the boy had a brain injury and lost his father, which would supposedly have had a bigger impact on his character.
For the introduction, I would recommend using standard English and maybe adding in a few more legible entries written by the boy looking back on his diary as postscripts so that the storyline is easier to understand. A character list would also help as the number of different characters names created confusion.
Sorry for the negative review, it is just not a story that personally held my interest. Maybe look for a reviewer with similar interests next time?
5
5
Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love the idea of personifying the clouds as a beautiful lady met for a short space of time before she vanishes. Sometimes the clouds seem to assume shapes in a magical and fanciful way and your poem captures this perfectly. The simplicity of the repetition and single rhyme scheme work well here at capturing the special moment.
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Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I enjoyed this poem in which poetry, night time and art are interwoven in a musical rhythm which mirrors the concept of a dance. At points all the lines in the stanzas rhyme, especially towards the middle and end, which added a sense of climax to the poem as the beauty of darkness and the poetic art entwined in the lovely desccriptions.
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Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I love the internal rhyme of 'Much beauty to see, under the sea' which is repeated to give the poem a song-like refrain. The way that the poem is laid out with the animations, pictures and appropriately coloured text is fun and impressive. The poem details the beauty of the sea in vivid imagery that expresses the magic of the natural coastal environment and this made this poem a joy to read.
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Review of Universal Love  Open in new Window.
Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a wonderfully musical and heartfelt poem of love. I enjoyed its timeless nature and the way it expresses feeling is such a personal and special way as well. The references to the weather and changing seasons, plus the rhyming couplets, remind me of traditional love poetry in a beautiful way
There should be apostrophes for: 'spring's' and 'season's'
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Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I enjoyed how this poem reflects the funadmental nature of fungi -- feeding on waste and things that are no longer needed and recycling them into something useful. Parallels were drawn with the human psyche and this poem therefore added a deeper meaning to appreciation of autumn fungi.
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Review of The Wood Spider  Open in new Window.
Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This piece is full of humour and I love the alteration in the reaction of the characters who declare they are brave but are clearly not! I could easily picture the scene and Aunt Lidia’s panicked dance was especially funny.
You mention that there are three adults present but only Aunt Lidia and Grandpa are named. Perhaps add in a third name or if the narrating character is the third person then add in a sentence written in the first person to make this clear.
If possible within the word limit, a description of the appearance of the spider and how it moves would be good to add to its menace to the characters.
As the room was evacuated at the end, I wondered if a window might have been left open in the hope that the spider would leave or if this might mean more spiders come in!


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Review of My Wish  Open in new Window.
Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I enjoyed the peaceful mystique of this poem and the way that it fits the idea of a heavenly journey. I se that the phloem is based on songs lyrics and this comes across well by conveying a musical quality. The juxtaposition of ‘t o know the unknown’ was intriguing.
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for entry "Saving The Dragon" Open in new Window.
Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
The name Atarath is perfect for a dragon and the pictures of Willow and Atarath are goregeous and help me picture the story. The part where you described Willow and Atarath meeting when she was a girl and he saved her was exciting and would be nice as another story. I clearly saw how caring Willow is as she bravely rescued Atarath from the knights who sought to trap him when he wasn't feeling well.
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Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I enjoyed this fast-paced and exciting adventure story. The dystopian world of a future destroyed by war made for an interesting setting and I liked how well grounded Chris was in the natural world as an adventurer from a young age as this equipped him to be an interesting protagonist. The wolves with heads of men were a great and original adversary and I liked the ending where the Goldar bird equips Chris and Kat with persuasive abilities and gives them the chance to go back to the past to correct the mistakes made in the war.

Here are a few suggestions, most are grammar related as the story would benefit from editing though.
How did Chris and Kat survive the apocalypse? This would be an interesting detail to add in.
Here there is no apostrophe needed in 'nation's' and later I see you used the capital 'the Nations' when a small letter is needed.
'The Kat, Chris expedition gather' this should be gathered.
The apostrophe after shelves isn't needed here: 'shelves’ full of books.'
'wolf-like creatures with faces like a man' this should be like men.
'faces like humans? looks more like' there should be a capital L for looks here.
'Spears and knife-like steaks' should be 'spears and knife-like stakes'
'Seemed Like the best place' no capital for like here.
'The boulders’ tare apart the raft' should be 'The boulders tore apart the raft.'


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Review of I Used To Believe  Open in new Window.
Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This piece written from the perspective of a cat worked well. The beauty queen persona was captured beautifully and I enjoyed seeing the changes wrought by Covid-19 from the perspective of a cat. The structure of the story worked well, with idioms at the start expressing the cat's complacent enjoyment of the world. The fact the perspective is of that of a cat has to be guessed at by readers as the piece progresses. Humans aren't the only one to find the changed Covid brings uncomfortable as the cat does too, and the ending 'You are here all the time, aren't you' set an ominous tone as I wondered if the owner was very sick, hospitalised or even dead. The final words 'I used to believe I was safe at home' are highly appropriate and chilling.
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Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem is full of vivid imagery and you use sensory language and descriptive techniques well. I also liked the rhyme scheme as at first the poem did not use many rhyming words, but later the final stanzas rhymed as if the speaker of the poem grew more sure in the interpretation of the character they describe.
I found the meaning of the poem a little confusing so perhaps you might consider adding some more lines to explain more about the character being described and the reaction of the speaker of the poem to her. It seems you are trying to describe a character who thinks well of themselves but they are actually cruel and have a destructive influence on the lives of others but that they cannot help being this way? It seems by the end of the poem the speaker says the character is harmed by the 'rot' of their nature too and that anyone who wants a relationship with them should be aware of this and be sympathetic towards them? This is just my interpretation of the poem based on the content, but if some areas of the interpretation do not seem to reflect your meaning then perhaps look back at the poem and see if you can make the meaning a little clearer?
I had not come across the term 'punt' in a bottle before and upon looking it up I discovered it was the dome shape in the base of some wine bottles. I like the extended metaphor of wine and roses in the poem and if you consider adding to the poem perhaps these metaphors might be extended.
I wondered if you had deliberately capitalised 'Subtle' for emphasis as a capital is not grammatically correct. Maybe use italics or all capital letters for this word to make the emphasis clearer so readers don't assume it is a mistake.


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16
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Review of Ocean In Absentia  Open in new Window.
Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This amusing short piece captures the mood of the prompt picture excellently with humour and deft observation of human nature. I like how the first mate refuses to meet the captain's eye and his ironic reply to the captain the best. The use of repetition and alliteration gives the piece a memorable and poetic quality.
I hadn't actually heard of the idiom "three sheets to the wind" before and had to look it up as at first I wondered if it related to the ship sails. If the word limit allows, perhaps you could add a reference to the fact he has been drinking as well? I like the three sheets to the wind and I recommend keeping it in, just maybe adding that the captain had been over-indulging in rum or the like as well!
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Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
This is an enthralling tale that captures the masterful story-telling and charismatic personality of a special teacher well. I enjoyed the fact that you revealed in the footnote at the end that it was based on a real person and congratulations on getting it published in a periodical.
The descriptions, characterisation and pace were excellent and I became as enthralled by the story as the students. It was a nice touch that the personal story of Mr. Rath's adolescence was set against a very real school backdrop of proms, classroom materials and the timeless tale of 'Wuthering Heights' (this added a touch of doomed romance appropriate to the story Mr. Rath tells).
I felt that you did an excellent job of structuring the story with arresting opening lines that clearly set the scene, plot build up and cyclical structure ending.

Some suggestions:
I personally found the repeated mentions of the modest gray tie and tweed jacket unnecessary as I could already clearly picture Mr. Rath from the opening description. However, I can appreciate that maybe you prefer to keep the repetitions for effect.
I wondered if you might clarify for readers how common car ownership was amongst college students of the late sixties (and modern times) to readers such as myself who live the UK where few college students have passed their driving test or can afford to own their own car? I also wondered who Mr. Rath borrowed the car from -- a friend, relative etc? Maybe suggest that he was allowed to borrow the car so long as he looked after it and he was keen to impress upon the lender that he would, hence the hours spent on polishing and repairing it.
A capital letter isn't needed after a semi-colon: "Know this about adolescence; You Will Survive!"

Thank you for the enjoyable and interesting read and happy writing!


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Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This story, in turns amusing and gripping (pun intended, just like the army tank haha!) had me reading on with interest. You conveyed how everyday life contains bizarre and unexpected incidents well and prepared readers for this with the opening paragraphs about the various accidents and injuries your children got into on camping trips. The army tank is certainly extremely memorable and sounds a very awkward rescue, I'm pleased Christopher was relatively okay after his time with this arm stuck!
I found the final sentence a little confusing, perhaps "he never would talk about it afterwards" or something similar would make it clearer?


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Review of Prahlada  Open in new Window.
Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
You did an excellent job of conveying this sanscrit story in an interesting way. I had the feel both of traditional storytelling and of capturing the character and anger of Hiranyakasipu realistically to hold the interest of the reader. His hatred for his son and the ways in which he tortured him for his worship of Vishnu made the king's ending well deserved. I thought the message of how no mortal can outwit a god no matter how canny they try to be worked well.
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Review of A FRIEND  Open in new Window.
Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a beautiful and inspiring piece of writing to a special friend. As well as being specifically about Sandra, the piece brings in a lot of good points about what makes for a good friend as she motivates others through the way she approaches difficult time and how she shares her abundance of wisdom, creativity and smiles in way that make others feel better when they are around her. The praise to God for such a good friend that ends this piece works well and giving it a deeper resonance.
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Review of 10 Days of Spring  Open in new Window.
for entry "Fantasy Convention" Open in new Window.
Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I loved the idea of setting a story at a fantasy convention. The fantasy castle setting was beautifully described and I loved the blend of different characters. Is there a word limit to this? The ending felt a little rushed so I’d maybe add a bit more to in if possible? For example, one minute Sharon was worried she hadn’t changed into her costume and the next she was dressed as Arwen. Maybe describe to costume and how it feels to wear? Also I’d like one of two more sentences right at the end about how she feels transported into the magical world.
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Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
This piece does well at incorporating a lot of ideas relating to the Counting Stars song. Christina Grimme’s life and how the song links to her is explored first. I liked how the piece then moves on to link to a quote from literature about a greedy businessman seen counting stars by a prince who believes in a more beautiful and spiritual role for stars. This led on to a wider message about wealth and the meaning of life.
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Review of Daffodils  Open in new Window.
Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a meaningful poem about the joy of spring and the natural world and how as a child it seems to hold treasure as the little girl collects daffodils to put on her birthday cake. I enjoyed the contrast in the final stanza as we see her as a grown woman hardened by experience but the sight of daffodils takes her back to a happy time in her life as she remembers her birthday as a child and the pretty garden the the maple and bird singing. The story about the writer at the end was poignant -- thank you for sharing Mary's words on WDC so they can be read and enjoyed.
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Review of 10 Days of Spring  Open in new Window.
for entry "Phoenix" Open in new Window.
Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love the vivid and beautiful imagery in this piece and could easily imagine the phoenix rising from the ashes. The contrast of the dark ash and bright colours of the phoenix; red and vivd green eyes, worked well. The final part of this piece linking phoenixes to spring and the cycle of rebirth was interesting and gave the piece a deeper meaning.
It may be because I am from the UK, but 'alit' is normally spelled 'alight'.
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Review of Egg sg  Open in new Window.
Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a very sweet sig, I love how the fairy is posed like a ballerina. Her dress and wings look silky and remind me of flower petals. It is a nice touch how she seems to be sprinkling fairy dust out of the egg and the sparkling dust has the effect of blowing away as if a magical breeze is carrying it.
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