It was interesting enough, but very short, and lacking in details. What year is this? What condition is the world in, to where it makes sense to spend 15 billion dollars to put a factory in space--millions of miles away? What kind of factory is it? The concept seems extremely far fetched, I would suggest you emphasize the logic behind it.
"Why?" I asked, my curious self waking up inside me. (A very awkward line right from the beginning. You should consider rephrasing that. )
This was much easier to follow. Even though I hold no interest in magic, I could understand what is going on with Candar--and feel sympathy for him. The back story was satisfying enough; it gave details and a sequence of events that explained the relevance of what we were reading as an audience. I am also starting to pick up a very fatalistic theme to your work. Very doom and gloom stuff. Below are a couple of notes I took while reading:
He had once been so awesomely powerful, yet now. . .( line doesn't work for me. Just seems like a line added by some teenage kid writing for his or her own pleasure, not to be published)
Now that corruption was gone. (Shouldn't stand alone as a sentence)
The people that like this particular style will like it, but the crossover appeal is simply not there. I'm not particularly familiar with "Thor"-- and as a result, it just came off as very confusing. From my perspective, it was some raven flying through a battle, over a cause that is not clear, mentioning names and circumstances that left me dumbfounded. The bird collected a message from a person I don't know, and am not convinced he should be worth knowing. And then to have the bird deliver the message to the father, just so the both of them could be devoured? Huh? Some of the visuals were good, I could picture the battle scene, but this snap shot of what I have to presume is a longer story, seems a little too specialized to me. Truly one of those like it or totally dislike it pieces. I will check out some more of your stuff, but this is not my cup of tea right here.
my name is chris, and like you, I have been reaching out trying to make this site work. It's not easy getting novel treatment on this site. So this is me reaching out and giving a review and hoping for a return of the favor and the making of a friend, collegue, allie, whatever fellow writers call each other.
Now for the review:
very interesting but long story. I like Saige. She is relatable. And as a reader I sympathize with her plight, especially in that opening. It seems that as a author, you have an affection for mentioning the chest( heart racing, heart pounding,so on and so on) it's ok to use that, but don't beat the reader over the head with it. Your story really shines with the dialogue and the tramatic
moments. Saiges banter with bad boy is entertaining and her experience with the school headmaster took me along with her emotional ride. That was well done. It's just the lead up to her going into the office was a little wordy and drawn out, too much self reflection. This is an action or a suspense novel, so make sure to keep that Action suspense and dialogue in the forefront. Readers of the genre tend to have short attention spans or long lulls, from my observations. Your description of the wharehouse was very chillng and vivid, as an audience I felt the terror. Your grammer is admirable as well. You probably wouldn't want to make it so girly girly with all the crying and colorful descriptions of emotions. I know it is a bad spot they find themselves in but it seemed excessive. So in summary, trim some of the reflective moments, keep the reader engaged and good job overall. Hope I been of some help,
It started off really well. The way you set up the technology was good, but is it the President of America, or the United States, you might want to be more specific. You should re-frame the broken up into hundreds of bite-sized islands and small islands. It is repetitive. Overall it doesn't come off to me as a prologue. It seems more like a writer who summarized ideas and put it down on paper. Perhaps that was your intent, and that this is a rough rough draft. The ideas are good though, just refine it a bit, fill in some more details, and give it a more realistic edge.
Wow, that was well done. You had a very good build up. It was tense, and my curiosity was at peak the entire way through. And that end, I didn't see coming. I was actually envisioning him sinking his teeth into the woman and thinking, well its predictable but nice, then to have it flipped like that, it was something. You are fairly consistent with telling a good short story. Nice job,
Hmmm.... Not sure if I am just not into this stuff or what, but the story completely blew by me. The sprite, the brownie, and the gremlin, oh my! It was an excercise in creativity, I will say that, but it just didn't quite come together for me. Not this one.
Now that was a story. It was graphic, but very entertaining and informative. That part about the vinegar taught me something (though I highly doubt I would be in that situation in the future personally). I hate that the poor piggy took two to the head like that, but then meat ain't nice...The way you handled the people and their interactions was well done also, it really was a good recollection, and shows that writing doesn't have to be some elaborate and imagined thing all the time, we have them in our lives all the time. Glad to review it,
That was a very good short story. I am impressed. That first part was quite detailed. An A-- whipping in high definition. There was self reflection, but not so much that reader begins to feel bogged down. As i was reading I found myself wanting to know what was going to happen to Sarah, and the end was a twist that I didn't see coming. Very good job.
It was a simple story, but it was well written. Definitely something that would be told to a child ranging from 3-6. They would get a kick out of it. As a reader I was a little surprise when it took that mystical turn. I was enjoying it as a strait up story from a long time ago, but I was able to roll with it, and I would suppose that if it was to be published, the illustrations would let a reader know what to expect before they start to read.
Wow, Great Short Story. It was brief, entertaining, and to the point. I didn't see the end coming, but for some reason felt that I should have. It would be interesting to see how your style translates to a full novel.
Chris
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