I found your little piece from the Noticing Newbies newsletter. Little gems like this are why I subscribe! I always like to try and give a thorough review and being somewhat pushed for time, it's sometimes hard to find a piece that I can read and give sufficient detail in response in the limited space I have. This one though fitted the bill perfectly! The reviews I give are always just my opinion. I'm not a professional, I love writing and try to help others grow in their passion while they're helping me! I do hope the comments below are helpful - please feel free to take what works for you and leave what doesn't! Thank you so much for the opportunity to read your work - it's a privilege!
What I Liked
The piece was very succinct and straightforward. There was no "fluff" or nonsense, just a picture well painted. I don't think you set out to make this a "literary" piece - rather, it seems that you set out to just give the reader a glimpse into this person's life - as it is, without anything added or taken away? I liked the opening: it was raining when they met, raining when they married and still raining!
What Could Be Worked On
I always use this heading and sometimes it's not so much what could be worked on, but how the piece could have been different, if you get my meaning? This one for instance, has its beauty in its brevity. Having said that, I think there were areas where the scene could use some extra detail. I would have liked to seen some more around the ending - where he gave up leaving the cat outside? Something about that inner struggle? And then the girl's relief that he perhaps wasn't so hard-hearted?
Style
The style you've used worked well with the brevity of the piece: every word counted, the short paragraphs kept the pace quite lively without counteracting the "greyness" with the rain, the poor dripping animal and so on. I found the point of view very interesting - I find it so hard to write from the first person - you've managed to get it to flow well. When I do it, the writing often "jars" as I forget to use "my" eyes and end up using "theirs" instead! I look forward to reading more of your work and learning from this.
Grammar & Punctuation
I couldn't put my finger on anything in particular. The one part where I thought there was something odd and needed a re-read was the final sentence of the second paragraph: "and threw, well set it out on the front porch". It doesn't look wrong per se, just odd. I might have used another dash there: "and threw - well set, to be more precise - it out on the porch"? Don't know - it sounds OK either way, just jars a little when I read it.
Plot / Characterisation
This is an area you've done wonders: who would have thought that you could grab a sense of the relationship between the two people with just 311 words!! I find "you" to be a bit ditzy, used to being single, living life your own way kind of girl. "He" on the other hand, comes across as hardy and practical, but like all heroes, with a heart of gold when it's necessary! This was something I particularly liked about the piece.
Final Thoughts
CCSI, I think you've done some good work here in such a few words - it would be interesting to see what you could do with another thousand or so! I found myself drawn into the scene you painted and was left wanting to know more. Thoroughly enjoyed the read and want to thank you for sharing your talent with everyone here and giving me the opportunity to review. Again, I trust you'll find it useful - if not, the delete button is always handy!!
I found your piece: "There are no Victims" from the Review Request page and to be honest, initially I wasn't going to give it a very high rating. There are parts where the writing is a touch jarring and my initial thought was that the piece needed a lot of work. As I read further though, I changed my mind and how! It really builds up into an emotional finale and the way you've done that is really good, and I therefore added extra to my initial rating. I've put a couple of thoughts together below to try to explain how I came about the rating. I hope this is helpful to you and I'd really like to thank you for putting so much into this piece. You've touched my heart as I read it - Thank you!
I noticed a number of hyphens either at the beginning or end of speech. I would take them out - they don't add anything in the majority of cases. If you want to get the idea of a sentence "hanging in the air", then the ellipsis (...) would be a better choice and again, don't use it too often (I tend to drop them in all over the place!), as they then lose their potency.
Really LOVED the way you portrayed Jakob, I could see his emotional struggle - you've done an amazing job with this since there wasn't a huge amount of character building in there, you've done it all with the dialogue between him and Moshe. Likewise, I really didn't like Moshe at first, after the dialogue with Jakob, I find I've actually got a soft spot for him!
Some of the discussion at the beginning seems a little superfluous - I don't know if this is because all the characters are used somewhere else? Up to where the store shuts is where I struggled a little. There are some really good uses of words there, and there are also some sentences that seem stunted and difficult - if I hadn't opened the piece to do a review, I might not have finished it. Admittedly, it would have been my loss - you do want to hook the reader as soon as you can in your piece to force them to stay with you. As an example: "An hour later, Moshe journeyed back into the back room" ... journeyed doesn't work for me here - it's a small coffee shop, journeyed portrays a long, arduous trip - not a walk into a back room. Just my opinion though :) Before that, you show Jakob's nervousness so simply, yet so effectively: you repeat the phrase "not looking up" which works so well in defining the overall character.
Overall Noa, I am enriched by having read your piece and after all, that is what writing is for - we aim to affect our reader in one way or another. Thank you for sharing this with the site and I look forward to reading more from your portfolio.
You reviewed my story "A Lost Key" a little while ago and I haven't had the chance to return the favour before today for which I must apologise. I love reading and reviewing and my comments are made purely from my perspective as a reader, certainly not an expert opinion by any means!
First Thoughts
I was drawn to the title of this piece after the events of recent days and I found it to be very touching, almost poetic in its form. Your paragraphs are short and to the point, underlining a sense of almost exasperation, a desperation to get through to your reader.
Style and Content
The style you've used works very well. It gives the reader a point by point, blow by blow list of things to consider. I like the way you've addressed your points to the human being behind the mask, a human being driven by a perverted view of his God. You've built those points logically, yet still maintaining the emotion. From this you move to a mood that is almost resigned to the fact you're not going to get through, where you tell them what their hate is doing to their families, themselves and others. Its as though you've accepted what they are, but you're still trying to prise these pictures through the gaps. Then you finish off - they've accomplished their aims - but at what cost? As I said, a thoroughly logical progression, tightly written yet still keeping the emotional tone and appeal.
If I were to offer any suggestions with regard to the style it would be that your final paragraph is so much longer than the rest of the piece - it kind of spoils the rhythm a little.
Use of Words
I loved the words you've chosen, words like "nirvana" associated with the loss of soul; personification of evil with "hands" - beautifully written. There were a few grammatical points: you've used "which" quite often where "that" would have been a better word. The phrase "no matter what ideology in which", doesn't need the "in which". And the only other part which caused me any consternation at all was the one beginning "Only you truly know ...". I admit to stumbling over this a number of times before it ran smoothly as I read it. I'm not sure what it is, probably the order of the words or perhaps its just a fragmented sentence (at the risk of sounding like the wretched grammar checker on MS Word!).
{e:snow3:}Final Thoughts
I don't think there's a single person in this site who would disagree with your sentiments in this piece and to put them together so coherently and with such emotion is admirable. You've managed to stay out of the overly sentimental arena; your points are stated clearly, in a logical order and requiring a response from your reader. I found it provoked a reaction from me, and as a reader, I can't ask for more than that. Thank you for taking the time to share this piece of you with the WDC community, for reviewing my work and letting me review yours
Sorry for shortening your nick . I've been on the hunt for stuff to review, so I can make my excuses for not writing ! I'm no expert by any means, but I hope you get something from my comments.
What I Liked
The most impressive thing in this piece is the manner in which you developed your character. I felt engaged, I was part of the scene.
What Could Be Worked On
In the first paragraph, where the girl wants to cover her nose with her hand, she gives "so they can't see it any more" as a reason. For something so easy to do, why doesn't she just cover it up? Is there something stopping her? Does she try and project a confidence that isn't there?
Similarly, the father's outburst in the second paragraph has a touch of unreality - "no boys can see you ..." - why not? Why boys in particular? And they can, whether they should or not is another question. I remember hearing similar things from my parents and it was always generalised, "What would people think", "people will see", and so on.
In the third paragraph, you have "completely without". While I know its related to the previous paragraph, I want to see an object there - without what? I think perhaps the thought about being noticed needs to be separated from the "hiding in the shadows" and linked closer to the confidence she felt after the conversation with her mum.
Language Style, Plot, Characterisation
I thought the style of the piece was amazing. You've got the voice of a young teenager and you've used this to build not only her character but also the character of the father and it's done really well. I can "see" the reflection she's seeing, although, of course, I'm not seeing with a dissatisfied teenager's eyes! I liked way you conveyed a depressive, almost desperate atmosphere around your character and the way you gave a hint of the relationship between the child and her father "he notices nothing", and then bring that back in again at the end of the piece, closing the loop. Nice work.
You've kept the scene simple and plain, there's not a lot of extra description or scene-setting. That's not a negative at all, in fact, I think it would detract from the overall clarity of the piece which is probably the most powerful element.
Grammar & Punctuation
Despite my best efforts , I couldn't find too much here. Perhaps you could consider removing the capital from "earth" - you're not referring to the earth amongst all the other planets, but as a colloquialism. Apartfrom that, I couldn't see anything that needs looking at.
Final Thoughts
I felt real sympathy for this young woman. I know all teenagers go through angst, particularly girls - I've had four myself and I still remember the anguish I went through every time I found a spot! Then the adult in me took over and wanted to tell her that boobs aren't everything! Overall an effective scene that could even be taken further, by exploring the relationships she obviously has within her family and without. The scene has hinted at some of them and there's plenty of room there for more without detracting from what you've already got. A powerful, insightful piece of work. No wonder you've got the awardicon to go with it!
Great work - nice read. Thanks so much for putting it up on WDC for everyone to be able to share!
I'm very much afraid you're my guinea pig. I'm a member of a group and there is a challenge to review a campfire - not something I've ever thought to do before, but here goes! I hope its useful for you
First thoughts
At first, the very thought of reviewing a campfire item was off-centre to me. There's so many contributors, I wondered what a review would serve. However, I think there is something to be learned from reviewing everything we read. I would hope the recipient gains something from the review as well, lol! This campfire attracted me first of all by it's title. I love quotations and I'm an absolute sucker for trivia so I thought this would be just for me. There's a wealth of information in here, somethine for everyone. My one issue that struck me immediately was the format. The blue author along with bold italics or sometimes just italic looks really messy and it takes a bit of effort to keep going.
Campfire Guidelines
The guidelines are uncomplicated and simply laid out. Perhaps some WritingML might make for a more attractive entrance, but since the campfire is invitation only perhaps enticing people in isn't too much of an issue. More "pizzazz" might encourage people to apply for invitations though. I notice that the guidelines suggest quotations should be in bold or italics or both. As mentioned before this makes it quite hard to read. It would be useful if a format were enforced - I don't know if this is possible? Perhaps making the quote italic and the quotations author, bold roman print? Something to increase consistency? And at the risk of being picky - "Ok" is better expressed as "OK". I'm not sure if there is a hard and fast rule in that regard, it's just my experience.
Campfire Potential
I think this is a great idea for a campfire - it gives people the opportunity to expand the knowledge of their fellow WDC-ers and the content can be a great addition to a writer's research library. It is going to entice a lot of readers, of that I'm sure.
Originality and Flair
As mentioned above, I think the idea is great and shows great originality. The campfire idea in and of itself if a bit like the old "Consequences" games of old, but this takes it away from that restriction. It could do with a bit more flair on the promotion side, but the title in itself is going to bring in readers.
{e:snow1)Final Thoughts
I loved the quotations you've got already. I'm a huge fan of Mark Twain and Oscar Wilde, so it's good to see them featuring already. I've already bookmarkd it and can see it being useful to many of the writers on here. It was a really good idea and very much "outside the square" and for that alone, deserves the rating
I'm really not sure how I came across your port, and I don't usually review forum items because, well, generally there's not usually much in there to review. Until I saw yours!
I'm not quite sure how I'm going to do this one, since I've never reviewed a folder before, but I'll give it a go and hope you'll bear with me !
First thoughts
As I said, I was randomly clicking through portfolios looking for items to review and I wouldn't normally stop on a folder. Something about this one though drew me in. Perhaps it's because its like the jacket on a book, I don't know, but whatever it is, it certainly has a very strong lead into the contents of the folder, rather than simply doing what I and several other WDC members have done and just create the folder and chuck it all in. It's clear and concise and adds value to the portfolio.
(e:flower2}Technical stuff
I couldn't find any screaming errors of a technical nature and I'm normally pretty hot at spotting them! *bigsmiles*. You might want to consider moving the work "literally" to read "he finds himself literally"; it reads more smoothly and doesn't have the same kind of hysterical connotation as "literally finds" could engender.
Impact
I can't say there was an impact per se, although it is unusual to find a folder where somebody has put in the time and effort to make the folder an interesting spell. I loved the picture at the top, it has a kind of Disney-feel to it, the "cat" looking self satisfied and smug, and almost seductive. The picture works well with the "book jacket" description of the novel a few paragraphs.
Folder items
I haven't read the folder items, although your introduction certainly piques the interest value. I will certainly bookmark and come back to start reading when I've finished my current reading material. At the moment, I don't have the time to pick up another novel.
Final thoughts
This folder is a nice place to stop by. You've added a lot of resource and taken time in both its layout and content. It's a perfect introduction to your novel and gives the reader a taste of what they might expect should they venture further. I've enjoyed this. A new experience for me and one that I have had a ball doing!
Hey Lucas
I hope you don't mind me wandering through your portfolio. I've clicked on this poem and would like to leave a few comments. I'm no expert on poetry, but through WDC I'm certainly learning to appreciate reading it!
I came across a couple of punctuation problems. for isntance, the colon at the end of the third line, should be a semi-colon. In the fourth verse, yuo've got a comma at the end of the second line which really makes the reader stumble - it doesn't fit there as the third line is just a continuation of the previous one.
You've done a pretty good job establishing a rhythm early on in the piece which you keep going for the most part. You have the word "And" in a number of place, for example, in the second verse on the second line, I wonder whether the "And" is needed. If you read it out loud with and without, the without seems to have a smoother flow. The third verse has a similar feel to it.
You have some good images in the piece as well which really portray the emotion well. I loved the final line, which kind of explains the pain that's coming through in the second and fourth verses and why the speaker is such a constant presence in this person's life. The first couple of verses made me think of a woman in a violent relationship, and this was almost confirmed for me in the third verse before you bring in the relationship between the speaker and the subject.
I was, I admit, somewhat confused by the third verse. I'm presuming the "its back up the tree" is a colloquialism for redoing the same thing over? The phrase "help you down" is a bit ambiguous in this sense too - down from what? You soon clear it up in the following verses, but it did cause a bit of distraction on my first read through.
Overall I really got a lot out of this piece. It's pretty tight and the story, although from my perspective, it could go off in a couple of directions is brought together nicely by the end, giving me, the reader, closure. You've caught the emotions and played them cleverly, bringing to the final point of despair, but not for the subject, which is the twist in the tale - a kind of bonus for the reader
Great stuff - really enjoyed it; keep on writing !
I've picked up your port from the Reviewers page.I've decided to make this week a Review the Reviewer week! I do hope you find my comments helpful
What a very sad tale - well not so much a tale as a scene. I could feel the simmering resentment of your narrator. You've done a good job there in building up the tension and setting up your character's emotions. You start with a kind of ho-hum "look at that" everyday language and you build her emotion with each paragraph. The second paragraph moves from "her" to "they" then to her berating the injustice of the situation by the fourth paragraph. You've cleverly kept the reasons to yourself though until quite a way through the scene. This means your reader is hovering on the fence - should I feel sympathy for this character, has she been mistreated in some way? Or, is she simply griping at some imagined injustice? Even at the end I still wasn't quite sure which side of the fence I wanted to fall on.
I only found a single spelling/punctuation mistake in your fifth paragraph: chesnut -->> chestnut. Any grammar problems are there to fit in with the conversational style of your narrator I believe, so I'm not going to pick them out here.
I liked the way you snuck in a little description of the "rival". This helped me to build a picture of who she was railing at. The "fake squeal" was a really nice touch there! Again though, I could have done with a bit more visibility of her character to allow me to figure out where my loyalties lie. The way you brought the emeralds back into the picture again at the end, while bringing your male character onto the stage at the same time, was a clever construction, closing the loop of the scene, bringing everything together.
You've got some nice descriptive parts in your tale as well - the comparison between the rival and the "standard" village girl is quite strong. The reader is left with an almost "cartoon-esque" picture of one girl, exceedingly beautiful and glamorous, next to a lumpy, stubby, ugly woman. It takes work to engender such a powerful reaction in a reader!
You've done a really good job here in so few words. I would be interested to know whether it was part of something longer or whether you were restricted in the number of words you could use? Have you considered taking it further? It certainly has a lot of potential to become something longer and deeper. Thoroughly enjoyable read - thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to read
I have made today R&R for reviewers day! I opened up your port and this poem took my fancy. I"m no expert, but hope you find my comments helpful, nonetheless
Your poem is beautiful, it really touched a nerve with me. You capture those feelings so well, that comfortable type of love that only comes after years of knowing one another. You've got some pretty images there that all add to the gentle picture - almost like one of those paintings on a plate, do you know what I mean?
I know that some poems have rhyme and rhythm and others just don't. Its not right nor wrong, just the way it is. I did feel with this poem though that it had a foot in both camps. You start with a rhythm that is firm and even, you've got rhyming couplets and then it wanders away. Similarly, you start using the "old wooden bridge" like a motif, and then the motif disappears.
I enjoyed the couple on the bridge being reflected by the two fawns at play as you watch the sun go down. Those two middle verses, using wildlife to complement the two lovers just conjures up some beautiful pictures - a kind of Snow White imagery!.
The last couple of lines don't fit quite so well. You've repeated "the moon" in each line and it seems as though you were looking for a way to close it out. There's also the only spelling mistake I could find - "shinning" should be "shining".
Thank you so much for sharing your poem with the site, especially one so personal. It was well worth reading and I've enjoyed learning from you.
Hi there TL
I'm wandering through the static items and your poem caught my attention as Sydney is quite rain-deprived right now! I hope you find my comments helpful
The rhythm of the poem is very well done, established early and you keep to it all the way through, with the exception of the penultimate line. Your first and third lines all have seven syllables except for that one. I liked the rhyming mechanisms. One of the problems Ihave with rhyming poetry is that the piece can often become contrived as the writer desperately tries to make his rhyme fit the poem. You haven't fallen into that trap.
In your second verse, you have a full stop after "cane", yet you don't start the next line with a capital letter? I would suspect it should be a full stop with "sweating" the beginning of a new sentence. I'm not sure about the second half of this verse, is he showing his disdain for the heat? the sweat? the sun? It's not sure.
The following verse, "then there was the ants ..", should this be "then there were"? And the final verse you talk about melting the pain.To this point though, there has been mention of any pain, so it seems a touch incongruous?
Overall, I thought this was quite a telling little piece. You manage to get behind the sweat and drought and into the psyche. I particularly liked the imagery of the ants, especially in connection with the heat. We all sit around bewailing the heat and use it as an excuse, while the ants keep going regardless.
Thank you for sharing this - I always find it amazing how people manage to achieve so much in such a short space. Every word has to count and do so much more than you would expect from it in a short story and you've done this really well!
Great job! Keep on writing!!
Cheers
Helen
Cheers
Helen
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello PIP (I hope you don't mind me shortening your name!)
My name is AussieCandii and I have a habit of clicking around the site at random. Your story headline struck my eye and I thought I'd have a bit of a read. I'm not an expert by any means, but I hope you find my comments useful nonetheless
What a story! It really had me pulled in to all the emotion and the smack at the end when you realise what has been going on really pulled on my emotions. Really well done with that. I always think that if a story, or any piece of writing for that matter, can bring me out of my reality and into the story, evoking a response or reaction, then it has to be a good piece of writing. There may be improvements, but basically if it gets me involved, then it's got to be a good piece of work.
There are some elements which you might want to consider when you revise and tighten the work, such things as choice of phrasing, punctuation, and word usage. I thought you generated pace very well. You've started with the weather, picking out elements which will help to paint the dreary, miserable picture. The entire first two paragraphs do this very well, all building up to the character's state of mind as well. She strikes me as having a very dreary, grey type of mood for this story and tying this in with the weather, the factory workers traipsing home is a nice piece of writing.
In the first paragraph, though, you might want to consider swapping the order of your phrases in the first sentence: "The wind howled eerily through the chimney, while the rain clattered and slapped against the tin roof". The order you have sounds stilted and when you read it out loud, it doesn't come across as normal language flow. Also in that first paragraph, the final phrase, "undoing their tiresome days" distracted me a shade. I know what you mean and I'm not sure of a better way of putting it. It reminds me of one of those old watercolours of industrial cities in northern England where all the factory workers leave work together, trudging up the hill, in the rain, just waiting for the week to end. The problem with the phrase you've used is that they can't "undo" their tiresome days. They can assuage them perhaps, or nullify. When you say tiresome, do you mean days that cause them to be tired, or tiresome as in boring?
One sentence in the next paragraph really stands out: "March is .... ". The entire story is in the past tense, coming from a third person point of view, except this one.
One thing that comes across through the whole piece is that some of the words you've used can actually be taken out altogether. "Surface of the floor" for instance; the floor is a surface. Another reason for removing words or phrases is that there is always the problem of telling me, the reader, too much. I want to see things and work my imagination - I want to be a part of the story. For instance, when you tell me about the "strength of her phobia". I would prefer that you didn't tell me about the phobia, but make it clear by her actions. You've got her shrieking, spilling her coffee, jumping up, dashing to the kitchen. Tell me about here heart thumping, palms sweating and so on. Know what I mean? Tell me less and show me more
The final negative point is to consider what you have the husband saying at the end. I'm not one for advocating stereotypes by any means, but consider the way he has behaved and the way he addressed the woman with four letter words, aggression and so forth and then the eloquent manner in which he explains himself when she eventually moves back to the lounge. I've never known anyone to actually speak that way. Perhaps you could do this by showing me his remorse, his regret? The alternative is to "dumb him down" a bit, make him sound more real? Not sure ....
Seriously, all in all, this piece really got under my skin. I loathe violence of any kind. It's all a bit close to home I'm afraid (not now, just in a previous life), so you really managed to hit a nerve with me. You built the tension extremely well and the female character was well developed by the end. Even though my natural tendency with those type of cat-behaviour is to just say "deal with it, get on with it", I even found myself feeling some sympathy for the woman. Nicely written piece of work, good job!
Thank you for sharing on WDC - keep on writing, eh?
Hello Iva
I found your poem on the Plug Page and thought I'd drop you a line. Please bear in mind I'm not an expert by any means. These are my thoughts from a reader's perspective. I hope they are of some benefit to you!
The poem has a nice balance to it and is very easy to read, yet the choice of words throughout is enough to provoke some deep thought and to nudge your reader into areas of their mind they may not usually go. For myself, I felt little "niggles" from the word go, right from the beginning, reaching a crescendo in the fifth verse. I just wanted to shout out at that point. Who is it who has let you down so badly? The words you use just seem to grow and grow leading to that point. But more of that later! I felt the whole flow of the poem worked really well, building up to your final line.
I thought I might go through each verse separately, since although the poem workss well overall, there were areas throughout that I felt could benefit from some attention or polish. The first verse establishes your rhythm and while the number of syllables etc isn't reflected exactly throughout the whole piece, it sets the tone well. Not once was I distracted by something sounding out of place in terms of the meter of the poem.
I had a number of issues with the second verse, mostly I think to do with choice of words: "found lacking" seemed stark and wanted more; perhaps "wanting" might be an option? Also the line "scales of justice never turned toward me" doesn't seem to make sense. I think I understand what you mean - the scales were never in your favour, but to my mind, scales don't "turn" one way or the other. I'm also presuming that the "teeter totter" is another word for "see-saw"? I'm not familiar with those words in that context.
The third verse was great - harsh, cold and austere. You've really delivered the picture perfectly - you're in a prison cell, no hope, no way out. Great job with imagery and description here.
The fourth verse seems weak in comparison, particularly when read between the third and fifth verses, which are both so strong. I'm not sure what you could do to improve it or where it droops; it just needs a bit of a boost. Also you go from being imprisoned to being left to "hang on the tree". I think this is a reference to the crucifixion, but is to my mind, incongruous with the third verse.
The final verse obviously has Christian tones to it, although I'm not sure who exactly you're addressing your poem to. Is it God - you're accusing him of having his fun? Is it Satan? I imagine the poem is about mankind letting down God? Or is it God "letting down" Jesus? Either way, I think you need to clarify your last line. Whilst I love the sentiment and couldn't agree more - our ultimate freedom will be found in Him in eternity. We are nonetheless free right from the moment of salvation. We no longer have to live in condemnation and fear; we stand righteous and forgiven, our sins no longer counted against us.
In summary, I think you've got a powerful piece here, with some awesome use of language. You've portrayed images within your poem that would take a lesser person pages of text and still be found wanting! I enjoyed reading it immensely, being taken from the beginning where I'm just finding out what the problem is right through to "cuts of a thousand insults" and getting the last laugh in the final verse. Great work and thank you so much for sharing it!
Hey there Trees
I'm not sure how I came across your portfolio - quite at random I suspect. But now that I've read the poem, I would like to offer some comments. I'm no expert, this is merely opinion, but I do hope you get some benefit
You've done really well with forming a pattern, four lines each per stanza and the three lines at the end work really well. I loved the slight irony you give away at the end and the way you linked it back to the beginning. One thing that I thought might help, though would be to add some rhythm. I couldn't figure out what was up until I read it out loud. I loved the poem, adored the subject and your treatment of it, but it just didn't sound right. When I read it out, I found it. At risk of trivialising poetry, where a rhythm ( a kind of "tum-ti-tum-ti-tum" thing ) is established in the first verse, I want it to carry on. I know that there are different forms and techniques, so yours might be one where rhythm doesn't apply. However, as a reader, I had the rhythm set in motion at the beginning and then you drop it and pick it up again before losing it for good. You have three syllables, followed by five, then another five and finally four and it works. The second verse departs from that but makes me think you're going to continue - it starts with three, then four then six and finally one. See what I mean?
Look, in the scheme of things, that's not major I guess and despite it, (or maybe because of it?) I really enjoyed reading it. I found it an entertaining piece, well written and well thought. I thoroughly appreciate the opportunity of reading it and learning from you.
Hi there WD
I'm AussieCandii and I came across your story quite by accident. I thought that since I'm here I'd drop in a review. It's only my opinion - I'm no expert, just someone who loves reading. Nonetheless, I hope you find it helpful
Wow! That's the first thing that came to my mind when I reached the end of this piece. It's weird, it's creepy, it's got some strength running through it that just pulls the reader in. Wow!
In reading the story again, I thought that perhaps you might have given a bit too much description about the painting in the beginning paragraph? Perhaps you could start with a few basic items of information, leaving just a glimmer of the sinister aspects for later in the story. If you brought out the personality of the painting in a more gradual fashion, in this way, you could eliminate some of the repetition you've got going through the piece. I think that you've used this as a tool to build the tension and mounting panic of the subject of your story, but I found it to be slightly overdone - viz, greasy, oily and so on.
The puppy was an unexpected turn and really makes the reader stand up and take notice. You've already indicated that perhaps this subject isn't quite with us in the sanity stakes and this makes it plain. But then you leave the reader wondering whether there might actually be something going on with the painting. Nicely done - very tricky, but nicely done. Connected with this is the paragraph about the toys - I'm not sure how they fit. This bit seems out of place somehow.
An incidental, and a picky one at that (!), why does founder in the first paragraph have a capital letter? I wouldn't have thought he needed one.
I'm not going to say I 'liked" this - but that's really immaterial. It's a powerful piece of writing that just grips the reader. Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to read. Awesome work!
Hi Justin
I'm AussieCandii and I came across your story in a newsletter and thought I'd drop in a review. Hope you find it helpful
Not knowing much about the history of air-conditioning, I have absolutely no idea which bits are real and which are fiction, lol. So if I make a goof, please forgive me . This was a snappy little tale, fast moving, and taking the reader every step of the way. I enjoy it when I can read a story and not have to find my own way to the end of the story if you know what I mean? You've kept the story simple without it being simplistic. I was able to form my own images of the characters, the settings, etc, while you gave me sufficient information that I could make sense of the story as you took it forward.
You've got some problems with grammar and punctuation throughout the piece though and you'd do well to go through it with the grammar checker in Word or something similar. In your first paragraph, for instance, you have a bracketed sentence. You should have a full stop before the brackets in this instance, and then start a new sentence inside the - and have capital letters for Dept of Interior! Along similar lines, your readers will find it easier, particularly in longer pieces, if you separate your paragraphs, either with a blank line or with an indent of some description to delineate each new paragraph. It can be a bit daunting to be confronted with one huge block of text!
I didn't find many spelling mistakes. Some that look to me like mistakes I realise after I stopped and thought, that they're actually just fine in the US, lol - words like "honor" (we have "honour"), etc. However, I did find one real one - two-story should be "two-storey" (not sure if you need the hyphen either).
The sentence where you describe the hot, fetid Louisiana lawyers, while quite amusing and definitely a good point to be making at that place in your story, seems to be a little clumsy in its execution though. It's a long sentence and seems somewhat muddled. I'm not sure how you could fix it either. Perhaps by splitting it into two parts - one to set your scene and one to depict the people? I don't know the best way to handle this. I know it's going to play on my mind now, so if I do come up with something, I'll drop you a line, promise! A similar issue is where you're describing Willis and Frederick as "irritable and foul smelling in their torrid workspace". It just doesn't sound right - foul smelling? It sounds too strong. I can take "irritable", heat will do that; but "foul smelling" just seems too strong somehow.
In summary, I think you've put together a nice succinct piece of writing. An interesting take on a pretty esoteric subject, lol! I did enjoy reading it, the kick in the tale was a bit of a giggle - the chewing gum was a nice touch! Oh, and I loved the letter; not ironic, not great literature, but really funny . Thank you so much for sharing this with WDC and thanks for the entertainment this evening! Good job
Hi there
I'm Aussiecandii just dropping by for a quick review. I came across your story in one of the newsletters and couldn't resist. Hope you find it useful
I'm guessing this really is from your own experience? It would have been pretty unnerving I guess. You've done a god job in bringing it all to life on paper as well and it was a good read. Really enjoyed it
I've come up with a couple of things that I think could add some strength and impact to the piece though. Firstly, you have a lot of long sentences in there. I thought at first it was only a couple - I noted the first and second sentences initially - but it's something that runs through the entire work. It works well when you're chatting away to somebody (and I think that's the style you've employed here - more casual and conversational), but its quite hard on the reader who's hanging out for the full stop so she can take a breath!
In the second paragraph, you've got a typo I think "a ordinary" --> an ordinary. A bit futher in the same paragraph, the sentence, "domed top chained down to it that's got a little hatch door" took me a few moments to figure out. I think perhaps if you make this sentence more precise? "A domed hatch, chained to the top of the bin" or something similar? Again, this pattern comes through in a few places, and I think is a casualty of style you've used. Where it would probably slip through a conversation, with the written narrative, you need to be somewhat more precise. You don't want to tell your reader everything, but you do need to give them enough precision to get their imagination running with some sense of confidence. Get what I mean? Similarly, at the end of that paragraph, "failed at on the night", is unclear and clumsy to the reader and would benefit from some tightening?
Further down your tale, you start to tell me about what's going on in the trash can. You're trying to build a picture with your reader of your own uncertainty, perhaps fear? Again, as with previous comments, you've lost some of the power by using what I term, "fuzzy words". Your phrasing is "...almost like something, maybe something large..." Perhaps "There was definitely something in there. The noise was getting louder, whatever it was, it was beginning to panic. I couldn't help wondering just how big the thing would be. Was it a mouse, a racoon, or something bigger?" Build the tension with the repetitive ideas, just be precise and clear.
A final point which could help tighten this up would be to check your punctuation. Again, I listed some places, but there are a number of them. It's nearly always commas - pesky little things. I always leave them out or have too many, lol. Its only when I read it out loud that I find them . An example for you to see what I mean: "poor clearly panicked thing " --> "poor, panicked thing" and "As far as I can tell it's now just a garbage " --> As far as I can tell, it's ...
I think that you've done a great job bringing a story to life, as well as injecting some humour and tension into the piece as well. I think there is ample opportunity for you to make a good piece of writing into something really special! Thanks for a really entertaining read. I'll keep a look out for your stuff in the future
Well done - thanks so much for sharing !
Cheers
Helen
Just browsing and came across your piece and thought I might give you some feedback. It's only my opinion not gospel, so take or ignore as you see fit Nonetheless, I do hope you find something of use in the next few paragraphs!
This is a really novel story. It's a take on the dragon theme that I haven't seen before, and you've woven in some very telling imagery through the story which could even extend into something beyond a short story.
Your opening paragraph sets the scene well, although you have told me a lot about what was on the old man's mind. My feeling is that a lot of his fears, the curse, etc could come across in dialogue or in more description? Let the reader work out why he's so worried etc. Same kind of thing with the second paragaph, you've got words that you don't need - "Door to the room", simply "door" would do. I do this a lot, I'm known as a chatterbox and when I'm putting stuff on paper (or keyboard), I'm no different, I rattle away hardly taking a breath. But, I have learnt (mostly because of reviews received!) to go back to my work and then pare out everything that either (a) tells the reader too much - I want them to work their imaginations a bit, or (b) add nothing to my story. The result is usually a much tighter, more effective work.
You've got a few places where you've used words that sound fine in spoken everyday English but don't fit with the style you've employed here with your story - for example, "grabbed the flashlight off the wall", it would read better to "grab the flashlight FROM the wall" and so forth. While you're checking for grammatical stuff like this, give an eye also to commas, etc? You've got some missing throughout the story; although they'll usually come out for you when you rewrite to tighten up as I describe above. It works for me
Love the paragraph when Kenji gets to the cave. This has some really clear and powerful imagery. I felt like I was there. I especially enjoyed the metaphor of the interior of the cave, choking his courage. This gives away some interesting thoughts - is the air inside thick, obstructive? is it too dark? is he so scared he can hardly breathe? All these questions from your connection of choking, cave and courage - the alliteration works well in picking up the pace, too. Good job!
Interesting introduction of the dragon and its relationship with Grandpa. I'm not sure "fear and pain" though, where it fits? I realise this is answered by the final paragraph of your story, but as a reader, it struck me as awkward and prevented me from "getting into" the rest of the story. There was no reason for the fear or pain. The dragon seems pleasant enough. Kenji was doing as he asked. Surely, it was just old age? I'm not sure how you could "fix" this, even if indeed you wanted to. Other people may not be as impatient as myself, lol! You do need to have that mystery behind the old man's death. And of course, if he knows that the "orbs" are indeed the souls of previous partners he would want to prevent his grandson from falling into the same fate. But if his soul was in the orb, why would he care about his grandson?
The phrase, a few paragraphs down too where Kenji is considering the cave, the orbs, the dragon and "if any", his ancestors. I felt the "if any" really jarred - it doesn't fit there at all.
You've obviously got some talent with descriptive writing, as you've done a great job with the tattooing, as you did with the cave earlier. I felt I coud actually see the tattoo. I like the way you've left a question hanging with the "evil pleasure" - is the dragon going to help or ...?
Overall, the story is good - heaps of potential. It's well written, well constructed and with your talent for descriptive detail, leads the reader into a well defined setting for your tale. Your characters (Kenji and the dragon) are pretty well defined although Kenji is a little two-dimensional at the moment. I would like to see a bit more about what makes him tick. You've let on a little about his fear of rejection, but there's more in there I think. He gave into the dragon so easily, theres got to be another driver in there!
I think with a bit of tightening up as I mentioned earlier, you've got a little winner on your hands. I really enjoyed the read and look forward to reading more of your work.
Thank you so much for sharing - well done, keep going!
Cheers
Helen
I'm reviewing this piece in response to your "Port Raid" forum. I love reading other's work and feel really honoured and privileged to be able to submit my opinions as well. Please remember that reviews are just opinions, nothing more, but I do hope you find my comments useful nonetheless
This is a very pithy item, quick, snappy and to the point. You've built a clever rhythm in your poem too, which comes through almost unconsciously, with each question taking two lines. I loved the final line ... "when you let the answer pass you by?" That is really profound and wraps up the whole idea that has gone before.
There were two points where I feel that you could aim higher, and that where you start from "time right for you ...." through to ".... find the right one?" You start with such strong phrasing with really pointed questions and these two questions just seem weakly phrased in comparison. I'm sorry but I can't offer you any suggestions either. The questions are fair enough in the context, I guess, although you start off with questions of a more ethereal value and your final question, which is almost an answer, answers those. These two ... I'm not sure. I will mull over this, your poem has sat itself firmly in my evening's thoughts now, so there'll be no escaping it! If I do come up with anything worth sharing, I'll be sure to do so
That's really my only negative with the entire piece. It reads well, it's well conceived and even with the two questions I've mentioned, it's still well written, hence the 4.5. Thank you for sharing this with us; I've enjoyed reading it and it will remain with me for some time.
Hi Crystal, my name is AussieCandii and I'm picking this up in response to your post in the Review Nook. I do hope you find this useful
Thank you for posting in the Nook and giving me the opportunity to read your poem. It's got a really good message that perhaps more people should see - we are all ships on the sea, some in storms, some sailing the flat. Helping each other out when we can is always a good attitude.
I did find some points that you might want to give some thought to. A couple are technical points and some are simply my thoughts, my opinions. I would like to say here, that I am not a poet, and have very little knowledge of the technical aspects of poetry. I am reviewing this purely from a reader's perspective, so feel free to take what works and ignore what doesn't!
A technical thing from the first line - "lives" and "a ship" - this really jarred with me, I'm a stickler for grammar and find it hard to ignore even if its a part of the style. But in this case, you've got a plural matched with a singular and it really doesn't fit.
An idea for the third line is to take out the "the" altogether. There's nothing wrong with the line, but it just sticks out in the overall rhythm and sounds a bit stilted. What about having simply "tossed on waves of trouble?"
In a couple of places, you've got some repetition which again spoils the rhythm of the piece and stand out quite strongly. I'm not sure what to offer in their place, so I'll just point it out here and if I can come up with something I'll drop you a line "troubles-troubles" on the third and fifth lines, similarly the sea-see on the sixth and seventh.
Further down is a phrase which really confused me: "we don't want in it". I guess that's saying we don't want to get involved in people's lives? Did you mean "We don't want in"?
I'm not sure whether you meant the poem to have a rhythm or not - it starts off rhyming and that falls away, and then comes back up again. I'm not sure if that was your aim or not. This isn't a criticism, as I said, the content stands well for itself and sometimes I know poetry doesn't have to have any particular rhythm.
Thank you for sharing this crystal. I have really enjoyed preparing this review and reading your work. Thanks heaps
A job well done!- keep on writing!
Cheers
Helen
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Hi Josie, my name is AussieCandii and I'm picking this up in response to your post in the Review Nook. I do hope you find this useful
You know, Josie, I couldn't find much to add to in this piece. You've done an excellent job. Your style fits really well with your character - him and all his little friends. You've got some problems with punctuation, but those will come out when you read through. For example, "I'd like to say ...but there are others" - needs a comma in there; similarly the next sentence, "I'm the one .... or at least he did", needs a comma. If you read it through out loud, you can hear where the commas should go - that's the only way I can find the little beggars!
There were a couple of areas where your constructions distracted me and had me reading back to work out what was happening - the DMV was one area. One minute he's in the DMV arguing with the clerk and next minute he's in the shed. It's all a bit sudden? (By the way, helmut s/b helmet. I think Helmut is somebody's name.)
The other one was where Sammy describes someone a "she" sitting in the shed. It's not immediately clear who "she" is or where she's come from. Things like this interrupt my reading and I end up having to reconstruct all the images I've built to that point, which is a tad distracting.
I liked the way your story grows from introducing Smack, and hinting that perhaps Sammy isn't what he thinks he is, through to his gradual demise with Eugenia. I liked the innocence that you portrayed with their relationship, even the speed from "hello" to "will you marry me". That made me laugh - a very nice touch
All in all, a well written piece with a bitter-sweet twist. Nice job !
Good stuff - keep on writing!
Cheers
Helen
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Hello, my name is AussieCandii and I'm picking this up in response to your post in the Review Nook. I do hope you find this useful
My very first thought is "PHEW!" That's one heck of a big piece!! I guess it's also because you've got no blank space - it's one absolutely massive block of text! I'll do my best to review, so bear with me!
"... giving a contemplative look" ... nothing really wrong with this per se, I do think though that the words would flow better if the order was reversed: "I gave him a contemplative glance as ...."
I love style you've got going here, the laconic, conversational drift of a man besotted. You've captured it really well. Add to that the way you've built up your two characters through the use of their dialogue is really clever - thoroughly enjoyed that. So true about the man's strategy/excuses, lol!
There seems to be an overriding problem with punctuation - not everywhere, but enough to be a distraction. Sometimes there are commas missing, sometimes you've got sentences that could perhaps be better constructed with some punctuation. for example, the sentence with "overused strategy". If you split that with a full stop or a colon after "strategy, it reads better. Similarly, after "...Desire, her unparalleled..", you need a colon after Desire not a comma. You might also want to have a read through for spelling errors, capital letters, etc or typos too: definitly -->> definitely, for example.
"... my thoughts of what to say ....good catholic boy...", this sentence seems unfinished somehow; it's looking for more. You start with "As" which leaves my imagination waiting for some action you're doing at the same time.
I enjoyed your little vignette with the fellow sitting outside the house, even hiding the roses behind his back. You've really drawn me into the story here. I felt like I was sitting in the back of the car - nicely done
"restlessly squirreling about in the kitche ..." Your choice of words here suggest an extreme business but not really having any aim in mind, just trying to relieve boredom or pass the time. Both words are great, they just don't sit well together here. She's obviously capable woman, so to have her rushing around without any particular purpose is contrary to the character you've built to this point - it jarred somewhat when I tried to reconcile the two. In a similar vein, when you talk about the veal and the sauce, you suddenly end with "all in all, leaving my plate empty". Something's missing here. OK you ate it because it tasted OK, so your plate ended up empty, but the empty plate wasn't a result of the veal, get what I mean?
"scarcely furnished" - perhaps sparsely furnished would be more appropriate? I'm not sure what "placidly decorated" means here though? "Voicing the faceless box" is a similar construct, one that I found distracting. I think I know the image you are portraying, but the choice of words stopped the natural flow of my imagination, and caused questions to start spinning as I dragged myself back to the story. Nothing really wrong, just awkward words in a few places.
You've done a great work with the part where Jayce starts to feel the effects. Poison Ivy indeed, lol. I really liked this bit - you've started with the slow realisation and built the tension and speed with word choice and rhythm, reaching a particularly nasty crescendo. A very nice technique indeed.
"thought thoroughly"... I think this must be a mistake? It really doesn't go! This sentence needs to be tidied up - I found it very confusing. It was a pity after such an exciting build up in the previous paragraphs.
I'm afraid I stopped reading quite soon after that point. I will generally read through anything, but I'm afraid I found the ending rather distasteful. That's not to say that the writing was bad, probably far from it, as it was strong enough to make me say "enough"! I apologise for that, my stomach just couldn't take it - call me a "wooz" if you like (Aussie for one that is a bit of a cop-out, lol)
Look overall, the stuff is good. Good idea, good outline, good tension and speed. You do need to do some work to tighten it up and give it some polish by removing the spelling and punctuation problems. I think you'll probably find as you go through and edit that you'll be able to pick a number of places where you can use your obvious talent to better advantage by selecting words that deliver your images with more impact and more clarity.
Once again, I apologise for not finishing the story, but nonetheless want to say thank you for allowing me the privilege of taking part in your work in a small way.
Keep on writing!
Cheers
Helen
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I'm reviewing your piece in response to your post in the Review Nook. You wanted comments as to your writing potential? I believe, from a mere reader's perspective, that you have great promise. You need to work, just as I do and everyone else to give polish and professionalism to your work, but I can see your imagination coming to life in the stories you tell. It's very well done.
There are a number of typos - spelling errors, words missing, punctuation missing and so on - I started listing them, but there a lot of them. Don't stress too much over this - but be aware that they're there and you will need to do a good, thorough edit, to ge rid of them:
few detractions --> few distractions
Bagdad --> Baghdad
were coming --> we're coming
sort of the village --> short of the village
shepards --> shepherds
befuddled his action --> befuddled by his action
One pedantic thing, to make it easier for people to read - leave a space between every paragraph. A block of text can be very daunting and if it looks too much to read, a lot of people just won't bother. I found the use of abbreviations confusing, perhaps if this were to be a part of a larger work you would want to think of using an appendix to explain to the uninitiated what's what?! In the same vein, you use words like "green" as part of your general narrative and whilst they may well be part of the vernacular, don't fit too well in the narrative portion.
I think that some of your word selection could be improved - mostly by taking out what I call "fluff". Sometimes, when I write, I write and write. I want to get everything down and I end up telling the reader everythng - whereas what I actually want to do is to tell the reader enough to get his appetite whetted and let their imagination do the rest.
I loved the battle scene, you really captured me there and brought me into the piece. The part where Toal kills his first man was quite touching. You've done it perfectly where you've told me enough to get the picture, but not too much that you've stopped me working for the overall image - very nicely done. I thought your last line too was profound - so much has happened, in such a short time.
You have an awful lot of potential here - the story has built in a number of hooks that you could use to build a longer tale and your characters have definition that could be the foundation for heroes (or perhaps anti-heroes) in a novel? Great stuff. (Incidentally, is this something that you have known personally? You write with a certain amount of authority that seems to foreshadow a deeper knowledge of the subject?)
Thank you so much for sharing your work - it has been a privilege to read and review.
I'm reading your poem in response to your post in the Review Nook. Let me say first that with poetry, so much is subjective, even punctuation can be deliberately left for "style" or to convey a point, so these really are just my opinion. I am not a poet, just a reader trying to learn, so I hope you find these comments useful.
Firstly, the technical bits - which as I said before may or may not be correct: * There seems to be a comma missing between "Sitting here" and "ever pondering"? And in the line ending "just fine", I'm not sure about the "at all". I think it might read better if you remove the "at" altogether and still manage to convey the message.
In terms of rhythm, I found it hard to establish a rhythm that worked all the way through, but that's not to say the poem doesn't work. Indeed, I found the poem to have a very succinct point conveyed very well in such a short space. You may though, like to consider what kind of meter you want to aim for - perhaps add a four line stanza at the beginning - to get a four-six-four pattern? Or else address the "beat" in terms of syllable count? Or perhaps split the six-line verse into two fours by adding a couple of lines? You could use this to join your two verses - I did find that the two verses were disjointed somewhat. Both had a message, and a very well written one, but the message is different in both.
I enjoyed reading this - I think your premise is something worth saying - in both verses. You've done really well - there doesn't seem to be many words in the poem which have not been chosen with deilberate purpose. Each word has weight and to my mind, that's one of the measures of a good piece.
Thank you for sharing it with WDC and for offering me the privilege of reviewing it.
I am reading your chapter and reviewing it in response to your post in the Review Nook. I hope you find the comments helpful. Remember though that in terms of the story, it's flow and stuff, the comments are merely a reflection of one reader's opinions. I think I'm pretty accurate with punctuation and spelling, and grammar to a certain extent, but the rest is just opinion - take what works and ignore me for the rest!
Overall, I was intrigued by the story. I've read about succubi before and their effects on men, but never really thought much of them in terms of story. But you've managed to imbue each of these creatures with real character and done it well. I loved the dialogue between them and thought that the enmity you generated between humanity and the succubi through the reactions of the council to the one man was a stroke of excellence. You've managed to create a really tight emotional scene in that council meeting. The way you brought it back at the end with Rune being the explanation for what was happening with the young child was particularly sneaky!
I've gone back through the work and found a few areas where I think it warrants some extra attention, but I reiterate - most are opinion only, take what works for you. It's your story and you know your characters and your world better than I!
Firstly, I think you need to give the entire piece a good read through for punctuation errors. I didn't note any specifics because there were lots and it would have taken too long. I don't let punctuation spoil a story for me, but there are others who get lost when a comma's missing Obviously if you're looking to go professional, then a missing comma could be fatal!
There were a few typos and spelling errors, which I've noted below as I found them, along with some of the sentences which I struggled with as I read through:
* The closer she got to the end of the hall, the clearer the angry voices became. --> This construction rarely works in my opinion, try amalgamating the two - The angry voices became louder as she moved toward the end of the hall, something like that?
* Belial cracked it an inch - I think you're trying to portray the tiny opening between door and frame so she could peek through, but it comes across as an actual crack in the door - the word doesn't work well here.
* Try to avoid ending sentences with "it" or "her" or other similar pronouns, etc.
* The small glimpses of skin Belial caught were paler then snow. - the structure of this sentence seems odd, perhaps look at the order of your words? Belial caught glimpses of the stranger, his skin whiter than snow, disconcerting against the deep darkness of his armour.... something like that? or perhaps not, lol - but you get what I mean?
* Male walking back and forth - not sure that these words are really necessary? The child's curiosity is already plain.
* wider verity - typo? variety
* disgusted and shock - disgust and shock. Typo?
* The gathered succubi, feeling chastised, stilled. - at first I thought this was a "non-sentence" and needed something after they felt stilled, after I re-read it, I realised that they stilled after they felt chastised. Perhaps you could revise this to make it less of a stop in reading?
* What had happened to him? - Again these sentences I feel, are unnecessary. The child's curiosity and questions can be incorporated within the scene without them being actually there, if you know what I mean?
* Even if the course taken at the moment was the safest one possible, not everyone agreed with it. - this line is repeating a sentiment expressed many times in the preceding couple of paragraphs
* made since - made sense
* As if summoned from her thoughts - she was actually 'summoned" by the knocking on the door
* Belial said trying to fake a light mood. and a couple of sentences later has her eyes sparkling with mischief. It seems that one is contradictory to the other.
* sill silence - still silence; typo?
Please don't be disheartened by this list - it does seem long, but the piece itself was long, so I'm bound to find more than I would in a 400 word story for example. Don't distract yourself from your story, which is well constructed and well thought out. You've got good solid characters, each has a depth and a foundation that you can continue to build upon. You've managed to establish some good "hooks" for the rest of your story to run from into the bargain. Overall, a really good job, with a lot of promise
You've done a great job here in setting your scene and the ending is sharp and sudden - a real "thump" of an ending; great stuff!
Initially, I was going to say that the words were perhaps a tad flowery, but then as I read on, I can see that the language fits your purpose. Indeed, any other form of prose would destroy your story, you've chosen your words well for the most part.
There are a couple of places where I would question the choice of word - the use of the word "jutted" for instance at the beginnning of your piece. I think you're portraying a man with well defined, chiselled characteristics; but "jutted", to me, makes me think of jagged rocks, or something sticking out where it shouldn't. (Please note this is just my opinion - not a technical issue!)
You've got some issues with commas through the piece, but you'll find those if you read it through out loud. I sometimes go wild with the commas and it's only when I read it out that I can see where they should really go! I only fouond one spelling mistake and that was where he "cried in vane" - the vane is the weather-vane whereas the context you need is "vain".
I can see the two characters here in a middle-class home in early Victorian history, I can see their clothes and their surroundings, which means that you've done a really good job, in getting me to take a part in your story. A thoroughly enjoyable read - well done!
Good job - keep on writing!
Cheers
Helen
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Final Thoughts
I noticed a number of hyphens either at the beginning or end of speech. I would take them out - they don't add anything in the majority of cases. If you want to get the idea of a sentence "hanging in the air", then the ellipsis (...) would be a better choice and again, don't use it too often (I tend to drop them in all over the place!), as they then lose their potency.
Really LOVED the way you portrayed Jakob, I could see his emotional struggle - you've done an amazing job with this since there wasn't a huge amount of character building in there, you've done it all with the dialogue between him and Moshe. Likewise, I really didn't like Moshe at first, after the dialogue with Jakob, I find I've actually got a soft spot for him!
Some of the discussion at the beginning seems a little superfluous - I don't know if this is because all the characters are used somewhere else? Up to where the store shuts is where I struggled a little. There are some really good uses of words there, and there are also some sentences that seem stunted and difficult - if I hadn't opened the piece to do a review, I might not have finished it. Admittedly, it would have been my loss - you do want to hook the reader as soon as you can in your piece to force them to stay with you. As an example: "An hour later, Moshe journeyed back into the back room" ... journeyed doesn't work for me here - it's a small coffee shop, journeyed portrays a long, arduous trip - not a walk into a back room. Just my opinion though :) Before that, you show Jakob's nervousness so simply, yet so effectively: you repeat the phrase "not looking up" which works so well in defining the overall character.
. I've been on the hunt for stuff to review, so I can make my excuses for not writing 
! I'm no expert by any means, but I hope you get something from my comments.
Similarly, the father's outburst in the second paragraph has a touch of unreality - "no boys can see you ..." - why not? Why boys in particular? And they can, whether they should or not is another question. I remember hearing similar things from my parents and it was always generalised, "What would people think", "people will see", and so on. 
In the third paragraph, you have "completely without". While I know its related to the previous paragraph, I want to see an object there - without what? I think perhaps the thought about being noticed needs to be separated from the "hiding in the shadows" and linked closer to the confidence she felt after the conversation with her mum.
, I couldn't find too much here. Perhaps you could consider removing the capital from "earth" - you're not referring to the earth amongst all the other planets, but as a colloquialism. Apartfrom that, I couldn't see anything that needs looking at.
Keep on writing 
First thoughts
. Thank you so much for sharing this with WDC and thanks for the entertainment this evening! Good job