Hello PIP (I hope you don't mind me shortening your name!)
My name is AussieCandii and I have a habit of clicking around the site at random. Your story headline struck my eye and I thought I'd have a bit of a read. I'm not an expert by any means, but I hope you find my comments useful nonetheless
What a story! It really had me pulled in to all the emotion and the smack at the end when you realise what has been going on really pulled on my emotions. Really well done with that. I always think that if a story, or any piece of writing for that matter, can bring me out of my reality and into the story, evoking a response or reaction, then it has to be a good piece of writing. There may be improvements, but basically if it gets me involved, then it's got to be a good piece of work.
There are some elements which you might want to consider when you revise and tighten the work, such things as choice of phrasing, punctuation, and word usage. I thought you generated pace very well. You've started with the weather, picking out elements which will help to paint the dreary, miserable picture. The entire first two paragraphs do this very well, all building up to the character's state of mind as well. She strikes me as having a very dreary, grey type of mood for this story and tying this in with the weather, the factory workers traipsing home is a nice piece of writing.
In the first paragraph, though, you might want to consider swapping the order of your phrases in the first sentence: "The wind howled eerily through the chimney, while the rain clattered and slapped against the tin roof". The order you have sounds stilted and when you read it out loud, it doesn't come across as normal language flow. Also in that first paragraph, the final phrase, "undoing their tiresome days" distracted me a shade. I know what you mean and I'm not sure of a better way of putting it. It reminds me of one of those old watercolours of industrial cities in northern England where all the factory workers leave work together, trudging up the hill, in the rain, just waiting for the week to end. The problem with the phrase you've used is that they can't "undo" their tiresome days. They can assuage them perhaps, or nullify. When you say tiresome, do you mean days that cause them to be tired, or tiresome as in boring?
One sentence in the next paragraph really stands out: "March is .... ". The entire story is in the past tense, coming from a third person point of view, except this one.
One thing that comes across through the whole piece is that some of the words you've used can actually be taken out altogether. "Surface of the floor" for instance; the floor is a surface. Another reason for removing words or phrases is that there is always the problem of telling me, the reader, too much. I want to see things and work my imagination - I want to be a part of the story. For instance, when you tell me about the "strength of her phobia". I would prefer that you didn't tell me about the phobia, but make it clear by her actions. You've got her shrieking, spilling her coffee, jumping up, dashing to the kitchen. Tell me about here heart thumping, palms sweating and so on. Know what I mean? Tell me less and show me more
The final negative point is to consider what you have the husband saying at the end. I'm not one for advocating stereotypes by any means, but consider the way he has behaved and the way he addressed the woman with four letter words, aggression and so forth and then the eloquent manner in which he explains himself when she eventually moves back to the lounge. I've never known anyone to actually speak that way. Perhaps you could do this by showing me his remorse, his regret? The alternative is to "dumb him down" a bit, make him sound more real? Not sure ....
Seriously, all in all, this piece really got under my skin. I loathe violence of any kind. It's all a bit close to home I'm afraid (not now, just in a previous life), so you really managed to hit a nerve with me. You built the tension extremely well and the female character was well developed by the end. Even though my natural tendency with those type of cat-behaviour is to just say "deal with it, get on with it", I even found myself feeling some sympathy for the woman. Nicely written piece of work, good job!
Thank you for sharing on WDC - keep on writing, eh?
Cheers
Helen
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