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140 Public Reviews Given
147 Total Reviews Given
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1
Review of Civil Liberties  Open in new Window.
Review by hiryuu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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First Impressions:

Title: Civil Liberties
At first I had a difficult time trying to relate the title with the context of the piece.
As I read further, it became more relevant when recognizing it refers to the liberties the main character is taking.
Nice Job … And A Good Choice!

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Structure and Grammar

The piece looks to be free of any structural or grammatical concerns.
It flows well and you did an excellent job with descriptions, imagery and context.

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Closing Thoughts:

I happened to find your work, its setting and the position the main character takes, very interesting.
Perhaps it is because the part of this great nation where I live … Is exactly where such an occurrence might have played out.
There are no houses around here, of decent size and constructed before the Civil War, that were not pressed into service as battlefield hospitals.

The cemeteries are full of rows of nameless headstones, marked CSA or USA, resting side by side for eternity.
There is a certain haunting feeling in houses that witnessed such activity, and it seems like shadows follow you around.
There is a reason why they called it the “Dead South” … And it isn’t just because the Confederacy lost the war.

Thanks for the interesting piece, the opportunity to share your thoughts, and have a lovely anniversary.

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Review by hiryuu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
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There is nothing that needs to be changed as far as presentation or structure.
The piece flows well … And you use creative imagery as well as excellent word choice.

I initially thought this may be a grammatical error … But I guess it could go either way.
Making a note anyway, just in case … “… We all hope to be what is or dream, …” ~ Should be – “our”

My favorite parts:

“… And while drastic, Becomes a second skin …” ~ Wonderful imagery and word selection.

“… Perhaps i'll remove them one day, But now hoping each one will erase the last …” ~ I know this part comes out of the middle of a stanza.

Still, I think it addresses the primary concern with “wearing masks”.
To me … It was an excellent way of expressing the fact that the mask is never true.
Because it is false, it will eventually degrade and require replacement, if not adjustment.
Furthermore … In attempting to “erase the last” … It indicates the previous mask was flawed and should be discarded altogether.
Almost as if the wearer needs to generate a “fresh start” with a “new mask”.

Thanks for the wonderful piece, the opportunity to share your thoughts, and have a lovely anniversary.

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Review of Soul Cry  Open in new Window.
Review by hiryuu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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Grammar, sentence structure and presentation all look fine … Well organized in fact,
There is little, if anything, I would do differently.
You exhibit excellent word choice and usage … Good imagery and creativity.

My favorite part is … “Disdained with the blue skies above.”
In this case it is not necessarily my favorite because of the message as much as the awesome choice in words using “disdained”.
That choice alone speaks volumes the idea you are trying to express.

Thanks for the wonderful piece, the opportunity to share your thoughts, and have a lovely anniversary.

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Review of Gaia...  Open in new Window.
Review by hiryuu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Presentation:

Looks fine … Open structure is okay in poetry.

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Grammar and Sentence Structure:

Sentence structure is really not a concern … But there is one small grammatical error.

“… All the birds of a ffeather …” ~ Should be – “feather” (unless of course you were going for the alternative on purpose).

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Content and Context:

Nice creativity and imagery … Good word choices.

I have one context question and it is possible I am missing something in interpretation.
I am pretty sure I get the gist of your piece … Possibly sorrow over a forest fire and a lack of concern on the part of most people.
What I don’t get is exactly how concern would make a difference in an event that has already occurred.
You never really describe what it is that needs to be done by anyone to either prevent the event or repair the damage.

If caring is the only requirement … Seems like a whole lot of problems would be easier to handle.

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Closing Thoughts:

Nice job in any case.
You did a good job of describing the surroundings available.
You did a nice job of tapping into the more spiritual aspects of the issue you are passionate about.

Thanks for the nice piece, the opportunity to share your thoughts, and have a lovely anniversary.

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Review of Bragging Rights  Open in new Window.
Review by hiryuu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Presentation:
Wonderfully random open prose.
Your thoughts are well segmented and reinforced with your chosen method.

Grammar and Sentence Structure:
All is quiet on the grammar front.
Word choice is creative and conveys a consent message.

Content and Context:
To me … It seemed as if the battlefield itself was speaking.
It is like the battlefield is in conflict with time and the war itself … As the combatant were pawns if not simple currency.
Loved the imagery used in … ”Behold the explosions! Watch as pieces of me arc into the air!” … Very descriptive and draws the reader in.

Closing Thoughts:
I found it interesting that you chose Somme as the battlefield centered in your piece.
It could apply to any battlefield in many ways.
The added merciless conditions of trench warfare during the time period you chose does fit nicely with some of the descriptions you include though.

Thanks for the wonderful piece, the opportunity to share your thoughts, and continue the good work.
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Review by hiryuu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Presentation:
Well measured and a fluid cadence.
Although a short piece, you did an excellent job of expressing yourself.

Grammar and Sentence Structure:
Everything looks good … And with as short as your piece is, structure is not a problem.
Word choice is creative and conveys a consent message.

Content and Context:
I selected your piece by way of selecting a genre that I am both familiar with and interested in.
You do an excellent job of conveying your point and opinion of the matters within.
The piece is insightful and could be inspiring under certain circumstances … I enjoyed it.

Closing Thoughts:
As a Gulf War veteran … All I can say is that you couldn’t be further off the mark in relation to the title of your piece and closing remark.
In reality … The Gulf Wars have been some of the most objected to conflicts in modern history.
Sorry things didn’t go the way you wanted … And you felt compelled to write the piece.

Thanks for the wonderful piece, the opportunity to share your thoughts, and continue the good work.
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Review of War Story  Open in new Window.
Review by hiryuu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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 War Story Open in new Window. (13+)
Some young GI's sit around the bar, listening to an older comrade's story.
#1686653 by Jack Chase Author IconMail Icon



It’s your WDC Birthday.
Here’s to another year with an organization that does not require you to run before breakfast.


Title: War Story
The title is suitable and accurately reflects some of the content in the story.
You may want to investigate a title that addresses some of the other points in your piece.
The ”War Story” part of the piece does not make the same impact as the realization of the other troops involved.


Grammar and Form:
The flow was fine, but I would suggest you use paragraph breaks/spacing to assist the reader.
There were no glaring grammatical errors as far as I could see.

Very Good Job!


Content:
You follow the plot well throughout the piece and do a good job of avoiding “spin-offs”.
You word usage was fresh enough to keep the piece interesting and still move the subject along without becoming cumbersome.

Very Good Job!


Context:
Having some experience with the subject matter, I can say the story was well presented and believable. You use enough lingo to cement the association while leaving it within the realm of the understandable for readers who have never served.


My Favorite Part:
” … We had found a new respect for a man we usually joked about. …”

There are some things we just do not wear on the outside for whatever reason.
I think it is safe to say that most, if not all of the combat seasoned soldiers I know may talk about their experiences with other soldiers, but seldom with civilians. Most people would be surprised to know how many fine veterans are the goofy SOB’s next door that they laugh about all the time.

Nice Job and an Excellent Point!



Thanks for the good read, and the keep up the good work.
And a special thanks to the Screaming Eagles of Fort Campbell.


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Review by hiryuu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
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To Count the Stars Open in new Window. (E)
An entry to the MY PAPER DOLL GANG FORM POETRY CONTEST March 10
#1657518 by Write-fully Loti Author IconMail Icon



Title: To Count the Stars
The title does justice to your piece in that it appropriately expresses the futility in the process.
The desire to seek for answers to questions unasked is akin to attempting to count what is unimaginable.


Grammar and Form:
I am by far no authority on proper construction of poetry, but your piece flows well.
There were no glaring grammatical errors in your piece.

Very Good Job!


Content:
The content/plot of your piece sticks close to the premise throughout the poem.
You find creative ways to express a simple point, and have a skilled presentation.
In some ways, the expert way you relate the experience and expected outcome, suggests some personal relationship with the subject.

Example:
” … Nocturnal Gazer counts the stars … “
For instance, the fact that you capitalize “Nocturnal Gazer” assigns an identity to the subject in question. You also refer to the same person as a "he". It starts to take on the life of a discussion you have had or experienced before.

Excellent Job!


You do a great job of identifying how the “planets” or nature itself does not care the about the outcome of a single entity. To gaze upon the stars in search of answers to one’s future is as silly as attempting to count them altogether. There are just as many possibilities in a person’s future as there are stars in the sky, and the answers are within although just as hard to see sometimes.

Thanks for the very good read, and keep up the good work.


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Review of Religious ideas.  Open in new Window.
Review by hiryuu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)

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 Religious ideas. Open in new Window. (E)
Just some ideas about religion.
#1581312 by E. P. Strowbridge Author IconMail Icon



This piece is a great example of how people can further assess their thoughts through the art of writing.

To think something is not the same as being able to relate it to others.
Often the recognition of the process validates the outcome of the thought process altogether.

Title: Religious Ideas
Maybe you should investigate changing the title to better address the premise of the piece.
Something like Ideas on Religion may provide a better approach to the monolog.


Grammar and Form:
The flow in your piece is broken at times by two corresponding problems.
The first difficulty arises with more than a few very long run-on sentences.
That combined with the absence of paragraph breaks turns the piece into a wall of text making the reader spend equal time keeping their place in the story and following your train of thought.

Review some of your longer sentences and you will see how they can be approached in a manner that more appropriately addresses flow issues.


Content:
You do a good job of staying “on-track” with your discussion in this monolog.
This is commendable when considering the subject matter approached, and the plethora of surrounding arguments.
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Very Good Job!


My Favorite Part:
I really liked the way you compared humans to dogs, and kept premarital sex as one of your key focuses in the piece.
In doing so, you make an excellent comparison to the facts of the matter.

Excellent Job!


Unsolicited Sidebar Content Comments:
Sometimes the author unfortunately bumps into my under-equipped mind, and I am unable to stop the flow of ideas. The following comments are just additional “blah-blah-blah”, and if you find yourself thinking ”What The Hell Is This Crap”, please exercise your astounding reading abilities and refer back to the title defining this section of the review. These comments are in no way meant to be harassing.

Several times during your monolog you refer to a certain “understanding” being present in the path of true enlightenment. While this is by no means a novel idea, I also think it is a trapping of the attempts to justify desires over outcome. Understanding is truly a product of perception, and can vary between individuals.

You also refer to the fact that power has the tendency to corrupt people, when you could not be further from the truth. This idea is a product of the “perpetual excuse” in attempts to throw off blame for actions. A person’s ability to affect more people may actually increase as their power base grows, but it is always their weaknesses that corrupt them.

Justifications like the ones you and Mr. Blake provide are attempts to slide into a role as the “judge”. Outside of the basic qualities of self-preservation, the ability to appropriately judge the moral character of another person is what makes God divine and humans a horse’s rear.

You spend a great deal of time attempting to debunk the idea it is necessary to follow the will of God, and justify this through an escape into an imaginary “understanding”. There is a certain track record of the success rate when the general rules are followed to the letter versus any jaunts into practices that then need to be justified to remain standing.

You still did a Very Good Job of expressing your point!
Thanks for the enlightening read, and keep up the good work.


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Review of White Powder  Open in new Window.
Review by hiryuu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)



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 White Powder Open in new Window. (13+)
Love, Lust and dreams.
#1586997 by dev Author IconMail Icon



Overall Impression.
At first a wondered whether you were writing a story or not.
There were a lot of open ended descriptions full of uncertainty, and I caught myself thinking, “Come on now, and make your mind.” About half way through the story I caught onto the reasoning, and sorry for being so slow.


Title: White Power
It seems that in the dream the main character believes their friends and acquaintances have more interest in the powder than him. I guess that does make it an appropriate title.

Grammar and Form:
The flow is easy enough to follow throughout the piece.
You utilize long and drawn out paragraphs, but they do not seem to interfere with the story.
This is probably because you relate the story as a memory, and without dialog.
I was unable to find any glaring grammatical errors, but I am also not the best proof reader.

Very Good Job!


Content:
You come terribly close to losing the reader in the first paragraph with the repetitive absence of any clarity.
It makes the piece very busy and the reader cannot establish a scene when you fail to add any certainty to it.

Once I got past that, it was smooth sailing.
I loved your dips into the surreal connections between the story you are trying to convey and the method you are using to tell it. Little connections like, “I’m late”, that relate the unspoken truths are just top notch.

Excellent Job!

Thanks for the wonderful read, and keep up the good work.


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Review by hiryuu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)



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 See the world through the eyes of me Open in new Window. (13+)
Chapter 3 continues ...
#1683959 by Ray Morgan Author IconMail Icon



Overall Impression.
I have to admit I traveled the entire course of emotions through this piece.
In the story you do a wonderful job of establishing a complete disconnect between society’s privileged and any form of common decency.


Title: Seeing the World Through the Eyes of Me.
I noted where certain words in the title should be capitalized.
The title could not more appropriately fit the story.
It is truly a world I am not familiar with, and you do an excellent job of displaying the events through the eyes of a teenager.

Grammar and Form:
Your flow is choppy at times, but there are some easy things you can do to fix that.
You never want the mechanics of your story to slow down the reader and risk losing their interest.

Suggestions:
Here are some suggestions that may assist the flow in your story.
Where they all do not indicate outright errors in your text, they may help you better manage aspects of presentation.

Use a program like “MS Word”, or the free download “Open Office” to write your piece.
These programs will help you with minor problems like spelling, subject/verb agreement and incomplete sentences.

You want to stay away from contractions in text, but they are perfectly okay in dialog.

Ninety percent of the time you use the word “that” in your story, it would be perfectly okay to strike the word altogether. The repetition of the word becomes cumbersome over time. It is not a great violation, but it can keep the word from becoming annoying to the reader.

Use the italics code for identifying when the main character is thinking. {i}text{/i}
This helps the reader stay with the story, especially when dialog is occurring at the same time.

There are some places where you can rearrange your words and polish the sentences.
You can say the same thing, but in a better way to assist the flow.

Example:
” … ‘Reserved.’ Was the sign in front of the red parked car.… “
          The sign where the red car was parked read ‘Reserved’.


Content:
Your story seems to relate a chain of events that do not steer directly towards a plot of any kind.
As this portion of the story is the third part in the “series”, it suggests that there is more story to come, and indicates you could be just making the introductions at this time.

Your word usage is nice, and your imagery is sufficient.
At points in the story, you make it very easy to “see the big picture” and on every level from the setting, through emotions and into internal unspoken thoughts.

Very Good Job!


Context:
You also need to be careful about contextual discrepancies that trip up the reader and make them pause in your story.

Examples:
” … He could be a model if his ego didn’t interfere … “
I am pressed to find a way someone’s ego would interfere with their being a successful model.

” … He has more contacts than the mob … “
You want to stay away from vague references that make the reader have to stop and think.
More contacts with what and how does this compare with the mob?
I mean the kid is in high school, so it is hard to figure out just how the two apply.


Unsolicited Sidebar Content Comments:
Sometimes the author unfortunately bumps into my under-equipped mind, and I am unable to stop the flow of ideas. The following comments are just additional “blah-blah-blah”, and if you find yourself thinking, ”What The Hell Is This Crap”, please exercise your astounding reading abilities and refer back to the title defining this section of the review.

You have a “knock-down, drag-out” way of expressing what is happening in the story. You do a great job of expressing the wickedness in the main character at times. Then at other times in the story, the same character slips into a vulnerable state, or one that chooses to be cared for.

It is incredibly hard for me to picture the same person that is evil enough to set Aaron up for conflict with Adam (fully aware of what is going to happen), and then has the desire to escape the scene for fear of getting involved. Maygan does everything she can to start trouble and cause conflict, but then is unable to risk getting caught. This really concretes in a difficult contextual conflict, or perhaps I am misreading it and the character is mentally disturbed.

Outside of all this, your characters have an extremely jaded view of life in general, and perhaps I am just thankful I don’t have a clue what there lives are like.

Very Good Job sticking to the concepts approached in your title.
Thanks for the interesting read, and keep up the good work.


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12
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Review by hiryuu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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 Sincerely, Cassie (Chapter 1) Open in new Window. (13+)
Cassie and Ian are best friends. But is Cassie in for a heartbreak from the one she loves?
#1689288 by Magdalyn Ode Author IconMail Icon



This is an interesting story about two people exploring the difficulties of being young adults.
It also seems to be a good example of what happens when someone parties past their ability to maintain control.

Title: Sincerely-(Chapter 1)
The sub-text in the title seems to suggest you are just getting started on the story.
The title does not really tie in well with this portion of the story, but I am sure that things will become clearer as you continue.


Grammar and Form:
The flow in this chapter is generally good.
You do a good job of keeping the story moving along by separating the text with dialog and actions.

I only found a few minor grammatical errors.

Corrections:
” … I ran my hands threw my hair … “
This should be ”through” here.

” … I didn’t saw a word … “
This should be ”say” here.
.
Good Job!


Content:
Although the actions of the characters are consistent throughout the piece you posted, at this time in the story you have not done a lot to expose the plot. There is also some conflict between what you have in the story, and what is in the brief description. The reader can draw a lot of conclusions, which vary in all kinds of shapes and sizes. You do not clearly state what the conflict is, nor do you address the discrepancies between the way the characters act, and the details you expose in the story and the description. I am sure these things will be clearer as you complete the story.

Your word usage is not flashy, but supplies the proper measure of description to convey the message clearly, and keeps your imagery sufficient.

Good Job!



Context:
You have a few places in your story where the content does not seem to mesh well with contextual concerns.
Here are two examples and possible corrections.

Corrections:
” … I casually walked passed him and stole the carton, running to the top of the stairs … “
You have the main character ”casually walking” and ”running” in the same sentence, without a clear transition between the two. I get the idea that the casual is up to the point the character steals the ice cream, and ”before” she runs up the stairs.

” … and it was still dark out … “
” … You slept for like 12 hours … “
” … I laughed and looked into the deep midnight sky … “
Unless the two characters got in from the party at noon that day, and live in Alaska with the story set in the winter months, the main character would have had to have slept more than 12 hours. You can clear it up easily bit replacing ”12 hours” with ”all day”.


My Favorite Part:
The episode with the ice cream was not only engaging, but added a bit of life to the characters.
It helps set the mood of the relationship, and ties the two characters together in an assumed past knowledge.

Very Good Job!

Thanks for the good read, and keep up the good work.


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13
13
Review by hiryuu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
 Some Vampires are "Special" Open in new Window. (13+)
Its just a simple, fun read. Hope it makes you smile a bit.
#1485465 by Richard Luck Author IconMail Icon



Nice dip into the occult, and you did a very good job all the way through.
The story is short, but remains rewarding, and I like the internal point of view you demonstrate with the main character.

Title: Some Vampires are “Special”
There were some adjustments to the standard vampire attributes, but you did not particularly express how this vampire was “Special”. Maybe you could investigate a title that would more closely address the plot instead of the characters.



Grammar and Form:
The flow is very easy to follow, with dialog carrying the majority of the story.
You break up the thoughts and events in an organized manner.
You use the appropriate amount of description with the dialog to keep the reader in the scene.
I only found one minor grammatical error.

Correction:
”Then what. “
It should be a question mark instead of a period.

Very Good Job!



Content:
The story stays with the plot from beginning to end, with little to no diversions.
Your word usage is fresh and you imagery is revealing.

You tackle a very common theme in an interesting storyline, and show some good creativity.
Some of your descriptions are rich and lend a serious helping hand in carrying the story.
These descriptions are not complex and flowery, but concise and direct.

I also don’t give a rat’s rear about what a lot people think is the over-abundance of adverbs and adjectives.
If they want to walk around the block to get next door, that is fine with me, and I like the way you use them in this piece.

Very Good Job!



The Part I Did Not Like:
I hated the ending, but not the way it turned out.
I just hated the story was over.


My Favorite Part:
” … taking care to run his hands across microscopes, test tubes, and yards of documents on his way …”

The way you set this up, and lead into it, made it twice as good.
By the time you dropped this little bomb in there it was incredibly easy for me to see the character as he walked across the lab. The description not only indicated what the character was doing, but made leaps in setting the mood and establishing the nonchalant attitude the character had at the moment.

Excellent Job!



Again, you did a wonderful job from beginning to end.
You opened and closed the short story in a tidy package, but do a decent job of leaving the reader wondering about a few things.

If the vampire is willing to dispose of security, what connection does he have with the man in the lab that prevents him from meeting the same fate?

Why does the vampire want to go to the laboratory to get his blood fix, and why is he careless enough to comment on when he plans on returning?

Still, you expertly avoid the “author’s New York minute syndrome”, where most writers drop their story off a cliff seconds after the climax. You also do it fairly easy with … ”See you next week.”

Thanks for the very good read, and keep up the good work.


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Review of Deception  Open in new Window.
Review by hiryuu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

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Deception Open in new Window. (13+)
The dishonesty that can happen in a relationship,
#1578194 by Breanne Author IconMail Icon


Poetry is often a great escape for me when reviewing.
Since I do not consider myself a skilled poet, I find it easy to sit back and relax with someone else’s work.


Title: Deception
The title does a good job of driving home the premise behind the poem.
We can only wish the subject was not so familiar.


Grammar and Form:
The flow is fine for me, and the poem seems to be well-measured.
I still have to admit that I do not know squat about proper form in poetry, so any comments would be a load of garbage.
I was unable to find any lapses in spelling or basic grammar.

Very Good Job!



Content:
The plot and progression in your poem are clear and easy to follow.
Word usage and imagery really stand out as cornerstones in expressing your point.

Example:

” … Like when black ivy is spun into a weave
The deep confusion between truth and lies… “


Not only do you find a creative way of expressing your point, there is no question in the reader’s mind what you mean. Sometimes when I read poetry, I find myself wondering if the poet is suffering from a stroke or something, but this is not the case with your piece.

Excellent Job!



My Favorite Part:
” … Who was hidden under a velvet cloak …”

”Velvet cloak” is an awesome way to describe the way the deceiver conceals their truths.
They are so often very smooth and well-practiced, and they speak like butter.

Excellent Description!


Your descriptions of how the deceptions start to unravel in a small way, and then completely snowball are also very good.
The “twisting” part also alludes to the way the receiver also doubts themselves in attempts to rectify the fallacy, and does not always jump to the conclusion they are being lied to.

Thanks for the very good poem, and keep up the good work.

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15
15
Review by hiryuu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)


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 I'm Not Crazy, Really  Open in new Window. (13+)
Chapter One-This is My Life.
#1667162 by Jessica Author IconMail Icon



This is one of those stories that shows the great leaps a person can make when driven to it.
The story puts the reader in a place where they really start pulling for the main character.
It also provides a troubling glance into life as a teenager and in a dysfunctional family environment.

Title: I Am Not Crazy - Really
The title does suit your story from the opening paragraph to the finishing touches.
The irony of it is not lost on all though, because truly insane people seldom think they are crazy.
You may want to investigate the idea of a stronger title that refers to a larger portion of the plot.



Grammar and Form:
The whole story flowed nicely, and you were careful not to cover too much space in each segment.
This keeps the reader engaged, and the story moving along.
I found one error, and I have included a question/suggestion as well.

Correction:
” … in the corner near me locker … “
I believe it should be ”my” here.

Suggestion:
” … When I stopped running, I found an alleyway and hid behind it … “
I stumbled on this phrase, and what was behind the alley?
What was the alley beside or behind?

Good Job!



Content:
You stay very close to your plot throughout the piece, but there is some separation between the ideas in the beginning and the end of the story. The story starts off with the main character in a dire situation at home, and spends a little time describing that situation. Later in the story the main character completely unloads on someone outside that family unit.

Are you trying to express the stress the person is under with the descriptions in the beginning?
Are you drawing a comparison as to how the main character ends up just like her father in the end?
Are you explaining the reasoning behind the main character’s attempts at taking out their frustrations regarding their home situation on an easier target?

Suggestion
You also refer to ”fury” often in your piece.
Repetitive descriptions seem to diminish the influence of a word, and rob it of its intensity.
See if you can go back through and pick alternate words for one or two of these.

Good Job!



The Part I Did Not Like:
” … passionate desire to hurt him … Lust to kill …”
When the desire to bring ”grievous” bodily harm on someone comes to the main character in the form of passion or lust, then it really becomes a reason to question the stability of that person. This starts to conflict with the title in some ways.

Of course, my opinion and a dollar will get me a cup of coffee at the corner store, and that is about it.

My Favorite Part:
The best part of your story in my opinion, was the explanation of why she called him ”Toilet”.

Very Good Job!



I added a few corrections and comments to this review, but by all means do not be discouraged.
Any revisions you may want to make will be well worth the effort, because the piece is already worth reading.

Thanks for the good read, and keep up the good work.


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Review of Deep Within  Open in new Window.
Review by hiryuu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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 Deep Within Open in new Window. (13+)
Dark, nature, psychology
#1583111 by Tracy Author IconMail Icon


One of the wonderful things about WDC is the way it allows readers like myself to come across works I would never stumble on otherwise.

I notice you indicated this piece as “other”, and I think that truly applies.
It is a nice cross between prose, poetry, and story-telling.


Title: Deep Within
The title fits every part of this piece from beginning to end.


Grammar and Form:
The story has a choppy flow to me, but this is just a matter of opinion.
The absence of paragraphs, makes it difficult to follow at times.
I was unable to find any lapses in spelling and basic grammar.

Good Job!


Content:
You remain focused on your subject throughout the piece.
Your imagery is good, and word usage is solid.

The Part I Did Not Like:
At times, the continuous reference to the “soul” becomes redundant, and threatens to rob the intensity.
Each time it reoccurs, within the context of your piece, it becomes less significant or special.
If you could find another way to mix up the terminology it may help.

My Favorite Part:
I really like the way the narrator seems to reference falling into traps they set.
This is kind of like identifying temptation, lacking the ability to escape, and knowing escape is impossible.

I still do not know why the narrator is horrified and compelled to run from the realization.
It would only help to understand, and no one can run from themself in the end.

Happy Anniversary again, and Keep Up the Good Work!

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17
Review of My Valentine  Open in new Window.
Review by hiryuu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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My Valentine Open in new Window. (13+)
Sometimes Valentine's Day isn't all candied hearts and flowers...
#1372784 by LdyPhoenix Author IconMail Icon


This is truly an interesting piece of work.
You do an excellent job of exposing the true character of the principle player in this story.


Title: My Valentine
The title is completely applicable to the story.
I also think is betrays the feelings the two have for each other.

Grammar and Form:
The story flows well all the way through, and with no stumbling blocks in the way.
I was unable to find any lapses in spelling and basic grammar.

Very Good Job!


Content:
You follow the plot closely throughout the piece.
Your imagery establishes a worthy picture for the reader, and plays the extra part of setting the mood.


My Favorite Part:
I like the way you show the main character as the true villain in the story.
She is quick to dismiss whatever does not suit her purpose, and devalue any attempts he may make for amends.
She really displays the core of the “my way or the highway” mentality.

Happy Anniversary again, and Keep Up the Good Work!

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Review by hiryuu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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O Mohonk Open in new Window. (E)
A visit to a wonderful place that left me breathless!
#1673613 by Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ Author IconMail Icon


This story is full of great descriptions that say a lot with very little.
You do a wonderful job of choosing the right words to get your point across.

Title: If You Blink You Miss It
The title is interesting in the way it does not expose its relation until the end of the story.

Grammar and Form:
The story is a smooth read.
Your paragraphs are short but concise, and address points in a fluid, but rapid progression.
It really helps the reader keep moving with the story.

Question:
” …Perhaps some century, I won’t age at all …”
Did you mean ”centuries” here?

Very Good Job!


Content:
For a familiar theme, you pick an interesting way to approach it.
Your imagery is great, and the descriptions are creative.

Example:
” … oily grin … “
This description is not one I would stumble across by myself, but in the context of the story it thoroughly serves its purpose.

Very Good Job!

The Part I Did Not Like:
I have to admit this is the second story of yours I have read, and you seem to have a way of just “dropping” the story at the end. You build to a substantial climax in the story, and then it seems like you jump ship and bail out on it. You do a great job of keeping the reader going along with you, but then the story is over at the same time you get good and started.

You may want to see if you can wrap things up a little neater, or maybe that is just your style.
In any case, my opinion and a dollar is worth a cup of coffee at the corner store, and that is about it.

My Favorite Part:
It would be unfair to single out a certain phrase to explain what I liked the most about your story.
What I liked was the way Rhonda internalized her reactions to the man’s comments, but externally she remained cool and in good humor.

Happy Anniversary again, and Keep Up the Good Work!

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Review of O Mohonk  Open in new Window.
Review by hiryuu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
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O Mohonk Open in new Window. (E)
A visit to a wonderful place that left me breathless!
#1673613 by Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ Author IconMail Icon


This poem is a wonderful escape to the outdoors.
Thanks for taking the readers along with you for the trip.

Title: O’Mohonk
The title fits the poem, although I do not know why you put a “O” in if you are talking about the Mohonk Preserve.

Grammar and Form:
This poem demonstrates good measure and flows nicely.
I was unable to find any grammatical errors, although I have to admit I was busy reading.
It was easy to escape in your imagery.

Very Good Job!


Content:
The poem continuously expresses the point, and allows the reader to “discover" each item of a focus as if they were standing there and looking around. Your imagery is well constructed with uncommon phrases like ” braid tender petals upon bountiful branches”.

Very Good Job!


My Favorite Part:
” … Beams of the moon cast shapes akin to mobiles over cribs … “

This is an awesome description, and I can see exactly what you are talking about.
Maybe it is because I love the outdoors and don’t own a flashlight.

The only problem with your poem is centered on the fact it makes readers like me need an outdoors fix.

Happy Anniversary again, and Keep Up the Good Work!

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Review by hiryuu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
WOW … What an interesting way to lay it all out.
Being a snoop myself, I could not resist tempting the bull and walking through the pasture.

Title: Just a Hand’s Bullish Reviews
The title sticks well to your persona, and addresses the content just as well.


Grammar and Form:
The flow is a good in this monolog.
I was unable to find any glaring grammatical errors, but will admit to doing more reading than picking apart.


Content:
You stay true to the plot throughout the piece.
You also do a good job of clearing up any misconceptions a reader/reviewee may have.
At times, some of your content becomes redundant, but who is stupid enough to argue with a bull?

Very Good Job!


Unsolicited Sidebar Content Comment:
You mentioned how you like to be reminded of your past in some ways.
I cannot see a picture, or hear a story about a bull without thinking of one I once knew.

A friend of mine, no real rancher of any kind, had a bull he kept in the pasture between the road and his house. It was a fine specimen of bovine excellence. It was short-haired, cinnamon colored, barrel-chested and fancy. He was the most perfect bull I have ever seen, and Teddy made a killing off renting his services out.

Mike was another one of our friends. He owned a little yellow car, and that bull hated that car. For some reason, not caring one way or the other, the bull would leave all the other vehicles alone. Every time Mike would come over, he would leave the main road throwing gravel, and hit the cattle-guard so hard we would know it was him. We would always run around front to watch Mike’s “Running of the Bulls”.

In that little car, Mike would be doing his best to keep the pedal on the floor, and straddle the ruts left by the larger trucks. There would usually be a cloud of dust, like a smoke trail at an air show. The little yellow bucket would pitch wildly in as it twisted up the path, and even get airborne at times. Mike would be intensely focused on the next obstacle, with his hand wrapped around the steering wheel like his life depended on it. That bull would never miss a chance to run down that yellow car, and would be making constant corrections for an intercept course.

It all ended one day when the little car couldn’t handle the trail and a strut gave way as it bounced over the center mound. Hobbling a few yards on the broken gear, it was no match for the bull. Mike was screaming a like a little schoolgirl when the bull slammed into the passenger side of the car. He hit so hard, the car almost flipped over before rocking back down on the tires with a heavy thud. The bull was quite proud of his accomplishment, and it took us about a half hour to get him away from the car.

If I didn’t know better, I would have sworn that bull was smiling.
I guess Mike could have really got some use out of the ignore/block feature we have here at WDC.


Thanks for the good read, and the wonderful memories.

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21
21
Review by hiryuu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Shots In The Night Open in new Window. (13+)
Fear felt from a child
#639092 by Pam Author IconMail Icon


This poem addresses family turmoil in a very different light.
You do a wonderful job of expressing the subject through the eyes of a child.

Title: Shots in the Night
I thought I had the title figured out pretty well as I read through the poem.
You surprised me with the way you brought it home in the end.

Grammar and Form:
This poem is well portioned from beginning to end.
I was unable to find any grammatical errors, although I have to admit I was busy reading.

Very Good Job!


Content:
Your imagery is well defined and lasting.
Again, you do a wonderful job of showing the plot through in the child’s mind.

My Favorite Part:
The ending was a surprise, and leaves the reader wondering what the heck comes next.

Even without the drastic circumstances you approach, this poem is a great reminder of the way people get caught up in their own lives. They get so focused on themselves that they forget about the blessings they have in a child.

Very Good Job!

Happy Anniversary again, and Keep Up the Good Work!


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22
Review of I Love America!  Open in new Window.
Review by hiryuu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is another insightful glimpse into the history of a great country.
I like the way you keep your argument personal, and the way you relate your own experiences to support your views.

Good Job!


Title: I Love America
The title is completely appropriate for the piece.
In the end, it is the love for this country that will always make us prevail.


Grammar and Form:
The flow is a good in this piece.
The paragraphs are short and concise to the points therein.
I was not able to find any grammatical errors


Content:
You cover a lot of ground, seven decades by your calculations, but you also remain true to the plot throughout the piece.
You do a good job of supporting your ideas.

Very Good Job!



Unsolicited Sidebar Content Comment:
I think it is interesting how you speak to the challenges set before women in career fields and property management. The only real drawback to success in this matter is the way men were neutered into whimsical lumps in the process.

If women could have just learned how to succeed in a “man’s world”, instead of turning it into the squishy spineless wishy-washy soup it is now. It was strong European (like our Founding Fathers) and African (from the soldiers at Lexington, Bunker Hill and Valley Forge to the spy James Armistead) men who sacrificed everything to provide us with the freedoms we currently hold so dear. They were the ones who first stared Death in the face and refused to yield the field against all odds.


Thanks for the very good read, and keep up the good work.

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Review of Lost Art-Intro  Open in new Window.
Review by hiryuu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a really good start.
Although your piece is short, and leaves a lot of questions, it jumps right into action capturing the reader.

Good Job!


Title: Lost Art
The story you posted really doesn’t expose a lot about the title, but I am sure you will get to that as you continue.


Grammar and Form:
The flow is a very good in this piece.

Suggestions:
There are a lot of cases where you use ellipses or hyphen to separate thoughts.
You generally want to stay away from them in text.
In most cases a semicolon will work just fine.


Content:
There are some hints of familiar subjects in the piece, but you do a good job of bringing them into your story in a fresh manner.

You stay consistent to the plot so far, but the story is just getting started.
It will be interesting to see where the story goes.
Very Good Job!

Thanks for the good read, and keep up the good work.

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24
Review of Oxygen  Open in new Window.
Review by hiryuu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Very Important Note About This Review:
It may seem like I have added a lot of comments to this review.
Do not be discouraged … it is certainly worth the read.


This story is an interesting look into a plethora of ideas.
If the reader does not get bogged down in a lot of technical aspects of the piece, the story remains active and engaging.
Good Job!


Title: Oxygen
The title does a good job of driving home a main component of the story.
It keeps that thought in the mind of the reader.


Grammar and Form:
The flow is a little choppy in this piece.
Here are a few areas of concern and some suggestions.

”She had plenty of air, some emergency food…But she couldn’t just stay here and do nothing!”

It is common practice to stay away from ellipses in text, as well as in most dialog.
You would be fine using a semicolon here, and in either case you do not need to capitalize ”But”.


”The recharge time was quite slow compared to more modern guns, because all the emergency equipment was replaced only every 10 years (the minimum requirement).”

You want to stay away from parentheses in text, and show the reader the information.
Your sentence can be rephrased to include this fact, and improve the flow.

”The slow recharge time did not compare to modern guns, as the emergency equipment was replaced every ten years at a minimum.”

There is another case where the sentence can be rephrased to better suit the flow, and get rid of the parentheses further on in your story.


Suggestions:
” And more than that, she knew that dwelling on thoughts of her own death would swallow her in a black wave of panic.”.

Eighty-five percent of the time when you use the word ”that”, it is unnecessary.
In this sentence you use it twice, and you would be safe in getting rid of the second one.

With a little work you can easily clear these things up


Content:
You stay true to the plot throughout the piece.
The major stumbling block in your story has to do with the technical aspects you attempt to apply.

Space is not user friendly to humans at all, but is a frigidly cold vacuum. The living quarters of the humans would be pressurized, oxygen rich and supplied with some form of enhanced gravity. When the seal between the two environments is broken, there is a more violent interface between the two than aspects of your story allow for. Besides the fact that Kai would have to worry about freezing to death outside the palace without some sort of suit, it would next to impossible for her to re-enter through the single hatch you describe as a matter of fire safety.

The change in atmosphere between the two environments is harsh enough that multiple breeches would cause a quicker equalization and allow Kai easier passage, but the interior environment would be equalized to the exterior environment at this point, and there really is no middle ground.

These are all technical points though, and the story is good.


Context:
”The invaders seemed almost inhuman, with their gleaming silver armor and helmets. It was easy to see how they had sneaked up so easily, for the soldiers were covered in blue metallic camouflage gear.”

The first sentence mentions the armor as “gleaming silver”, while the following sentence describes it as ”blue metallic camouflage”. The two descriptions don’t seem to match.


” …through the shelf of tanks, but they were all damaged. Finally she found a tank without holes …”

In the first indicates ”all” the tanks are damaged, and the second sentence indicates one is not. Perhaps you can explore the idea of Kai rummaging through the tanks, and finding each one she comes across as damaged, until she finds one that is not. Staying away from the all inclusive statement of ”all” would help with the flow in any case.

Good Job!


There is nothing ordinary about this story, and it really captures the imagination.
You do a good job with dialog and creative thinking.

Thanks for the good read, and keep up the good work.

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Review of Big Eddie  Open in new Window.
Review by hiryuu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
For flash fiction, this is great.
Although you limited your details in this short piece, you do a very good job of keeping the reader interested. You also do a good job of filling in sidebar details as you go. This makes the reader feel like they are discovering each piece as they read along.

Good Job!



Grammar and Form:
The flow is good in this piece.
I was unable to find any grammatical errors.

Nice Job!


Content:
For such a short piece, you do a very good job of expressing the plot of the immediate scene and hinting at the larger picture.
The description were good, and painted a picture easy for the reader to follow.

Very Good Job!

.
It must be terrible for Woody to have to sit through Eddie’s difficulties just so he can get the bad end of the deal himself.

Thanks for the good read, and keep up the good work.

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