Every item I read of yours leaves me with one thought "You challenge me" and this piece is no different. I have to read each poem 3-4 times before I can even start to comprehend. You teach me something and I hope that others will take the challenge to read LEANs material and challenge themselves.
On to the review-
Your second standza stands out for me in this work. The ideas you bring to the table, namely that we can't be happy or healthy now without the idea of future prosperity is great. I never thought about that before and it is so true.
Keep up the good work, I look forward to my next challenge.
I really enjoyed this piece and wish you would continue it. Your take on WDC as a big building with people in it was unique and easy to understand.
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I really enjoyed your opening paragraph. The idea that things happen in life that change our perceptions and understanding of the world around us is very good. You also did a great job in describing Lauren's personality.
I would have liked you to give me more details about what Catherine, Called Birdy is. I'm not familar with that book and while I'm assuming this is based upon a true event it would be interesting for you to expand this to fiction and make the book significant. Take things that happen to you, your friends, and family and make them fiction and art by adding to and subtracting from the original event.
Your ending could be stronger as well, you have this great opening, the action of the story, then you move away. I was a little disappointed.
This work is great. I really enjoyed reading it. I usually read poems twice and thought that the pace and word choice worked very well until the end but on my second read I slowed my reading pace down and found that I did like the ending.
Again, good job.
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I really enjoyed reading this piece. At first I thought it was a little slow and your descriptions long and drawn out but you won me over in the 2nd chapter. The time line does get a little confusing as to what is real and what is a dream but I'm sure you wrote it that way.
Good job.
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You have a great idea here. I'm not a great fan of the twist at the end but you did it well.
There are many sentences that are not complete. But it's nothing that a polish or two couldn't fix. I would also work on the character discriptions, there is little hints of the character through the entire piece and it seems disjointed. You could go for the disjoined style but polish it up a little.
Overall I did enjoy this work.
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I really like the idea that you are portraying in this work and the opening was great. Your four line stanza's felt a little long to me, I had this feeling that you were trying to fit enough words in them to meet some requirement. But overall good job.
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Your poem was very well done. Does the shape the lines create hold a special purpose as well?
I especially liked your opening two lines. When I took a poetry class at college the professor went on for days about how poets debate each word they use in a poem. I've never really had the feeling that that was true, but while I read your poem I could see that it took a lot of time and creative inspiration to create this work.
Good job!
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I think you have some great ideas and images in this poem but quite honestly I'm lost.
Your teaser reads differently then the images in your poem. I like the ideas you invoke in the work better then the ideas in the teaser. And if you feel you have to explain your work in an author's note you should really think about incorporating the ideas into the work and making the images and feelings more direct.
Keep up the good work.
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Great job. Your imagery and story is very well done. I especially like the path of needles and the path of pins, I understand this is not your original idea but you use it very well.
The first story I ever wrote was to accompany a gift to a friend when I was 7. I loved the idea then and I still love the idea today.
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I really enjoyed this story. You ahve a freat idea for a compliation of different stores I just wish you would cut the introduction notes out.
Anyways, for a while I was annoyed that there seemed to be no reason for the opening scene and characters but I stuck it out an you tied the stories together well.
I think both your ending and your main conflict could be stronger and last longer. You go into great detail in your opening scenes but as soon as the action starts the beats happen fast and then the reader comes to your conclusion. Slow down and give me the same detail in your action that you open with.
Keep going, I look forward to your next installment. (And I usually don't read installment works)
Your script is probably the funniest thing I have ever read. I printed it off to read on the bus and actually found myself laughing out loud and wanting to re-read it.
Your ending comes a little quick and I actually had to go back and figure out how the two "teachers' knew the history of their student. I would slow down the action and expand the scenes more.
But like I said, overall a great job. I recommend this work to everyone!
I really enjoyed this poem and of course, I have a few comments and suggestions.
I was waiting the entire piece to read the poem that came to you in your dream but never found it. It would be great to have seen that poem as a poem-inside-a-poem kind of thing. I understand the ending of this one (and won't go into detail because I don't want to give anything away) so I learned I don't always get what I want.
Also is "prised" the correct word? I looked it up at dictionay.com and the definition doesn't fit the feeling of this work or the sentence.
You have a great opening. I loved your word choice, infact I actually was thrilled as I read this piece because of your word choices.
I did think that the action started to move too quickly when the character returned home and you started to write about her history. I would have like to see you continue with the slower pace and delve into the background more.
My last suggestion (not to give away the story) is to bring out the twist more. Is this person someone imporant in the company?
I really enjoyed this work and wanted to read more. I would suggestion loosing the author's note at the beginning. Let your words and your prose speak for themselves. If you want to introduce a series work the introduction into the work itself, let the reader be sucked into the world you are creating.
This piece did feel slightly unfinished. I hope that you continue with the plot to allow for resolution for the characters and completion of the action. Your characters don't have to live happily-ever-after but the action and drama should come to a conclusion.
I really enjoyed your opening lines and think that the entire piece is great. The refrain is short sweat and melodic, all things I like in a refrain.
I also think that your lines and thoughts work well together.
You use great imagery to convey the plight of poverty and children in the 3rd world. Good Job!
I really enjoyed this work, I hope that you continue with it and expand on the ideas you have created. I would work on introducing the entire universe more, set the stage for the reader, immerse me into this other galaxy. Then delve into the characters and especially the main characters more, explore their motivation and backstory more.
Great job! Keep it up.
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