\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/hdayman
Review Requests: OFF
85 Public Reviews Given
114 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 ... Next
1
1
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is an excellent raffle. Have attached 900 gp for 3 tickets.

Thanks for letting me know about it. Only suggestion I can offer is that possible telling how to send gp. New members sometimes get a bit confused about this. Yep, I know, I am guilty of the same too. lol

Regards,

Helen
2
2
Review of Pretty attacked  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Title of Item: Pretty Attacked
Author: Kronocide Author Icon
Reviewer: Helen Aussie Writer/Editor Author Icon

Plot/Story Comments:

This is a fantastic story. Nice idea of using such an everyday process with the conveyor belt. Definitely gave me a few giggles. I liked the way Pretty handled herself.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar Comments:

No suggestions here. Well done!



Other Comments/Suggestions:

What else can I say. This is an excellent story. Will here more about the adventures of Pretty?



You've been reviewed by a Writing.Com Survivor Member~
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1009879 by Not Available.


3
3
Review of The Alley  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Title of Item: The Alley
Author: TheWarmth Author Icon
Reviewer:Helen Aussie Writer/Editor Author Icon

Plot/Story Comments:

You have a wonderful ability for description. My only suggestion is that the over-long sentences tend to detract from the story. I have made a few suggestions below. By alternating long and short sentences, this will allow the story to flow better. Shorter sentences increase the pace, and the longer sentences slow it down. Inserted at the right points, will have the reader, reading on the edge of their seat.



Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar Comments:

2nd para
I am amongst a mob in motion, motion in mute, motion of tired, monotonous, heavy feet. In my front human backs; on either side profiles; and bellow, endless sets of feet.
Suggest –
I am amongst a mob in motion. Motion in mute, motion of tired, monotonous, heavy feet. In my front, human backs. On either side, profile and below, endless sets of feet.


I have spent hours (days perhaps?) looking at the side walls as we slowly proceed; desperate for an opening, struggling to balance my attention between the walls and being on the move, for I am conscious of the ruthless crowd behind me.
Suggest –
I have spent houts, days perhaps, looking at the walls as we slowly proceed. Desperate for an opening, I struggle to balance my attention between the walls and being on the move. I am ever conscious of the ruthless crowd behind me.





Other Comments/Suggestions:

I really enjoyed this story and feel it has a lot of potential. The suggestions above are just a few, and if worked through the rest of the story, I would then feel it would be close to a 5 star rating.

Thank you for sharing.

Helen



You've been reviewed by a Writing.Com Survivor Member~
 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1009879 by Not Available.

4
4
Review of Winter's Touch  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Nikola

I am enjoying reviewing and reading your poetry. As I am new to this genre, I am more familiar with the standard forms.

This poem really reflects 'Winters touch'. You manage to convey the sensations of feeling winter in opposed to actually just seeing it.

Well done,

Helen
Reviewers Club
5
5
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Nikola

This is a beautiful poem and manages to capture a snapshot of winter.

I am not familiar with poetry from, but I like the way that it has flowed. 1st stanza sets the scene, 2nd stanza - ground, 3rd stanza - air, 4th stanza water and the final line/stanza ties it all together.

Well done,

Helen
Reviewers Club
6
6
Review of Under Oak  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Eliot,

Review for Best of Genre Contest

ABCB Form - You definately nailed it. I especially liked the formation where the lines flowed on. Very effective. Rhyming was perfect.

Prompt - yesterday's love is really shown beautifully here.

Overall - I really enjoyed this poem. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Helen Aussie Writer/Editor Author IconMail Icon
7
7
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi Eliot,

Review for Best of Genre Contest

Villanelle Form - You held the form together well the whole way through until the end. In the last stanza, the last 2 lines need to be the same as those repeated earlier. Well done.

Prompt - Yes, family favourite, this poem describes a small child?

Overall - Well done, I really enjoyed this poem. Only suggestion was in relation to the last 2 lines in the last stanza.

Thanks,

Helen Aussie Writer/Editor Author IconMail Icon
8
8
Review of Romance  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Eliot

Review for Best of Genre Contest

Plot - It is a poignant snapshot of a relationship. Is it a new one? Very nicely done, you have captured the emotions from the man's pov. His sense of excitement and anticipation to be in her company.

Character - We get to know him very well, or at least his emotions regarding this woman. Does he have a name?

Prompt - Yes you could see the prompt - something special about you. Nicely done.

Overall, I enjoyed this story, but felt it was a bit short. As I said before it is more just a snapshot. Would have liked to maybe see where their date went. Does she live up to his expectations? Does she return his feelings?

Thanks,

Helen Aussie Writer/Editor Author IconMail Icon
9
9
Review of Chapter 1  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Coyote,

I like the way your story is developing. Definately an intriguing start to the novel.

Plot:
You manage to pull the reader straight in with the man not knowing how he got to that spot. The fact that he notices discrepancies ie the air is fresher, gets the reader thinking straight up.

Characters:
You refer to your main character as 'he'. At times the pov changes. It seems that the story is being told from the characters pov and then it changes to the third-person.

Myself I like to identify and get close to the characters. What is his name? Does he know it? He seems to remember a lot of his past, so I assume he knows who he is. Suggest get more personal with the character, call him John or whatever.

General Comments:
Just a few suggestions below. I found sometimes the story seemed a bit heavy, but it has definately got a lot of potential. I can see that you could take this novel in many directions.

Well Done.

Suggestions:
1st Para -
Mixture of tense - Suggest
Raising his head, thick blond strands whipping across his green eyes, John could smell a hint of snow in the air. This, and the migrating herds of animals he had seen in the past few days confirmed that the season was late fall.
Describe, show and tell

This is just one example. Obviously, you might have a different picture of your character. Ask your character as many questions as you can think of. The blend these answers into the story.

I enjoyed this chapter, and I look forward to seeing what you do with it.

Helen
10
10
Rated: E | (5.0)
I found this a very well written and helpful info article about dialogue.

This is an area that I personally struggle with and am only just starting to grasp.

I have to say that I definately agree with you about the 'soaps'. The worst dialogue I have ever heard. LOL

Helen

Reviewathon Club
11
11
Review of Ten Days To Live  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
You have a very strong ability to get your message across. The depth of emotion you have on this subject comes through clearly in the written word.

Just a few suggestions -


1st Para -
They open our hearts, (no comma) and we open our doors.
Also noticed each sentence in this para begins with 'they'. Suggest maybe rearranging the structure of each sentence

2nd Para -
Maybe it is the mess, the lack of interest, (no comma or the work, (new sentence) but We we decide just like that, with a snap of our fingers, we decide we don’t want that “problem” anymore.

3rd Para -
You take off and continue on happy that that the animal is no longer there to mess up your life. However(comma) not all the animals that go to the SPCA or an adoption program have a happy end. Most of the animals{c:red{ (comma) particularly cats and dogs (comma) aren’t lucky enough to ever be placed into a proper home. Most don’t go to an adoption program (comma) but instead they go to the pound.

4th Para -
Often most of the homeless animals die horrible deaths, plagued with fleas that eat them alive; (new sentence) Theythey stave starve to death unable to fend for themselves.

5th Para -
Their fate, their lives are in our hands and we turn around round and murder them!


Helen
Reviewathon Club
12
12
Review of Side Trip  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
General Comments:

I enjoyed the telling of the story as a remembered moment. Well Done. Just a few suggestions below:


Spelling/punctuation is in red
Suggestions are in blue

2nd Para:
Previous sentence finished with 'in the group' suggest
In the group, Hhe wasn't the most well liked,}c:blue}(no comma) as he was younger,. He was more artistically inclined (no brackets)(as a lot of Phils have a tendency to be),(no comma) and in ways still was a child.

4th Para:
It was towards the end of my stay in New Jersey, early August, when it was time for our trip to Baltimore.
Suggest rewording it
It was time for out trip to Baltimore in August as it neared the end of my stay in New Jersey.


Para beginning ' To be honest, I had fun ...'
... broiling summer at in the city by the bay.

Generally, I found that there was an overuse of brackets and commas. Maybe, try finding a way of rewording the sentences as in the examples above. This will make the story flow better.

Thanking you for the opportunity to review.


Reviewathon Club
13
13
Review of Her Revelation  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I like this poem as it delves emotional depths. The alternating tempo between the different stanzas is well done.

This is a well written piece of poetry and I have no suggestions to make.

Reviewathon Club
14
14
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
An excellent start on your novel. You have a few good elements already present to snare the reader.
Introduction of characters – Gwendolyn, troll like creatures, Pytre (captain of the guards) and the guardsmen.
A few mysteries/questions already – guardsman who caught on fire, why did the prostitute kill the guardsman, trolls (appearance in the first chapter signify something interesting)

Just a few suggestions:
Some of your sentences and paragraphs seem a bit long.

Para beginning ‘Trolls, thought Gwendolyn …’
New Para at ‘The experiment failed …’
Would also suggest a brief history about what happened re the Great War or what happened after to make society as it is today. Something to link then to now – since you have introduced the trolls at this point.


I am enjoying this chapter and look forward to reading more.

Thanks

Helen

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..


15
15
Review of Why I love 'Him'  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
A very interesting concept seeing adult politics and issues with children’s cartoons shows. Although they are meant for children, I am sure there is the child in all of us who enjoy them.

Just a few suggestions regarding sentence structure

Para beginning with ‘Him's outfit choice may …’
He is outstandingly feminine, is in the most glorious way.

Para beginning with ‘His black high heels …’

Suggest - His black high heels climb nearly up to his thighs, where a pink fur and a red dress cover up his the top of his legs and the torso. The last part of this sentence doesn’t really work.

Each sentence starts with ‘his’ suggest maybe –
Suggest for the rest of the para - ‘His red face matches the dress…’ suggest ‘Matching the dress, his red face …’
Topping off the pink fur on his head and Cheshire cat smile, are a goatee and lobster claws. Standing out in the rush are his bright green beautiful eyes. An angel come down to earth.

Para beginning with ‘Him is not only helping …’
‘He's very powerful, and can get ahead in life {x]a as well as any person!

Para beginning with ‘Most people would say ..’
“Isn’t a bad influence ‘Him’ sets.” suggest “’Him’ is a bad influence.”

You have picked an interesting topic for this essay. While I can see your points regarding the character “Him” in the Powerpuffs, I believe that this essay would benefit from a more broader data base. I suggest possibly taking characters from 2 or more cartoons and then comparing the underlying messages between them.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to read your work.

Helen

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
16
16
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I liked the way you introduced the character, as he arrived home from a night out. He was glad that studies were over and excited about a new life starting. The way you introduced his shock and fright with finding himself blind at the start of this new life was well done.

Just a few suggestions:

1st Para
‘No longer would school stand as an obstacle that we were challenged to surmount.’ I find the word ‘surmount’ a bit harsh, suggest maybe (overcome or conquer)

Para beginning with ‘Before lying down …’
I shut off the lights in my room and made sure the blinds were closed as to ensure that the sunlight would not interrupt my sleep early the next morning.

Para beginning with ‘I forced myself to climb out … ‘
Nearly every sentence begins with ‘I’ - suggest changing the beginning
eg. ‘I gathered up some clothes..’ Gathering up some clothes ..
‘I again lay down on my bed …’ Again laying down on my bed ..
‘I needed to leave… ‘ Needing to leave, I …
‘I found my cellphone…’ Finding my cellphone, I ..

There seems to be a big gap in time/space between the para beginning with ‘She took my hand …’ and the para ‘For me that was the scariest….’. It just seems a bit of a jump to end with the results being that he was only blind for a day.

Suggest maybe a transition paragraph be inserted here. to allow the story to flow better of this part. Overall I enjoyed this story.

Helen

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..

17
17
Review of Reviewer's Club  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a fantastic idea. Yes I would love to be part of this group.

The option to review as many contests as you wish allows for possible time restraints that reviewers may have from time to time.

Regarding the guidelines - I find them clear, concise and very easily understood.

The Benefits and Perks are quite good and may act as incentive to participate. Although, while they are a bonus, I do enjoy reviewing.

To become a member - is again easily understood and on that note ...

Reviewer's Club

18
18
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You had me going in the beginning there. Thought you had got serious on me, scientific facts and all. LOL

BUT, you had it right, there is definately plenty of bulls*** around and probably enough to provide fuel for the world to all eternity.

Actually, I think I might have a chance at teaching one of those classes.

Well done, definately loved this one.

Am just reviewing the entries for the Headliner Short Story Contest at the moment, but will be posting winners after 12pm today. (and the new prompt).

Happy writing.
19
19
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Definately an A+ for this story. I think it definately got more than 250 miles to gallon.

I like the way the conversation flowed and you felt like you were an onlooker in the bar throughout the conversation.

I couldn't help myself, was having a few chuckles at the outrageous claims being bandied about the bar.

At this stage I am just reviewing the stories for the Headliner Short Story Contest and will post the winners after 12pm today. (with the new prompt)

Happy writing.


20
20
Review of Black(color)  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Tevie,

An interesting concept, about black.

Errors & Solutions:

I found this poem a little difficult to read. Suggest maybe putting into separate stanzas.

2nd Stanza - Little black book hidden away,

3rd Stanza - Black pen writing black words

4th Stanza - A black top hat no longer worn

What I liked/disliked:

I liked the association that everything in the poem was about the color black.

But maybe a little bit more info - say a second line which relates to the 1st one.

eg.
Black Raven in Poe's head
Pity he is now dead

(pretty pathetic I know, but just something to give you and idea what I mean)

As you can see I stink at writing poetry.


Helen

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
21
21
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Eliot,

I decided to delve into your articles and have been blown away by your insight into the past.

Errors & Solutions:

Back on the tellTel Aviv or Tel Gerisa?{c} a day or two later

What I liked/disliked:

This article flowed well and brings an insight into the long ago past and the more recent past such as the World War II.

You have successfully highlighted many relevent issues as well as raising questions in the readers mind.

Well done!


Helen

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
22
22
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Eliot,

Scary thought isn't it.

Errors & Solutions:

Not a one found. Grammar and spelling is good.


What I liked/disliked:

I liked your story line although you could flesh it out a bit more or turn it into a novel. There could be any number of things that could happen along the way to make it very interesting.

Just a thought.

Helen

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
23
23
Review of Brothers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Becky,

I am enjoying reading your poetry very much. Thank you for sharing it with us at stories.com.

Errors & Solutions

None -

What I liked/disliked:

Well, where to start. You have managed to convey so much in just 3 stanzas. Love of family for each other and a brother for a sister.

Well done.

Helen

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
24
24
Review of The Perfect Poem  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Becky

I like the poetry style you have used here. Very effective.

Errors & Solutions

Well, I can't find anything wrong here.

What I liked/disliked:

I like the way you have written about poetry and used a unique style to display it.

Well done.

Helen

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
25
25
Review of Liberty Fest  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Jacque,

Well, I think I have R & R every item in your portfolio. I look forward to seeing more soon.

Errors & Solutions.

Again, no typos and could not fault your writing.


Thinks I Liked/Disliked

You definately managed to capture the atmosphere of this wonderful parade. I actually felt like I was standing on the kerb with you.

Well done.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Helen
30 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 2 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/hdayman