Very interesting story! Very dark. I especially like the way you put in the first, second and third warnings.
I have a couple comments, but remember these are my suggestions and feel free to discard them.
Overall the story is great. I do think you could write it a little tighter though. You have a lot of "was" and "that was" type of phrases in it that could be written out. I think that eliminating those types of words makes the point come across a lot better, a lot more focused.
You have some great descriptions in your story. I would definitely add more - especially because it would make it even darker and let the reader visualize and feel the injuries more.
One last comment - the part about the boy (ex-boyfriend I believe). I found that a touch confusing. Not what was written, just the placement of it. A possible suggestion would be to put it at the beginning or to explain it in more detail. I didn't fully understand it until the end.
Interesting story, thanks for sharing! I think you have a great idea here - the power of wills - and I like the setting as well.
I have a couple suggestions - of course they are only suggestions.
I think you can tighten up the writing just a bit. For example, in these sentences, you mention grin three times. It might read a little smoother if these were combined into one.
I can still see his cheesy grin. The grin looked super imposed on his face. The grin shouted youth while the
rest of his face well, just shouted age.
Here is another example. You duplicate what you are saying.
The note began to get me angry as I read it. It read...
I don't know if you had a word limit on the story, but I wondered about the "crap on the toilet", the "blue neon light" and the power to give and take life (as with the fly and the soil). These concepts do not seem to be explained enough. I know word limits sometimes get in the way of getting everything across.
Please remember these are only suggestions. I would love to see more!
Thanks!
Halli
I found this from one of the most recent newsletters.
It is a very interesting prompt and story. I would love to read more. Any plans to make this a little longer?
Below are some of my observations. Please know they are just suggestions.
It is well written for a short piece. I know it is hard to get in everything you want to say in so few words. With that, I would pay attention to the extra things added that may be taken out so you can add detail or dialogue somewhere else.
For example: The phone woke me up at 2:00 AM and instead of turning on the light immediately, I reached for the phone. The lamp crashed to the floor, along with the alarm clock, its hands stuck at two o’clock, and a plastic bottle of water. I opened my eyes, found the phone and pressed the little gray button so I could talk.
** I would take out "and instead of turning on the light immediately". In the details you described everything crashing to the floor would indicate that you did not turn on the light before reaching for the phone.
**Also, you mentioned in the first line that it was 2:00 AM so no need to stay the alarm clock had its hands stuck at two o'clock.
I would also look at punctuation. I felt I had to read this paragraph several times to really understand it, but it is just a punctuation issue. The content is good.
“You too,” he took a sip of coffee, “my mother called me at work. She read my obit in the paper. She said my photo accompanying the obituary. She told me the mortuary, scheduled funeral this Friday in a place called the Pleasant Valley cemetery at 9:00 AM. You’re from Pleasant Valley, aren’t you?”
I'm not sure about the underlying meaning, possibly that we all have a bit of a dark side to us that we don't understand? Please don't go by me though. I've been known to miss the obvious :)
I do like the dialogue between the boy and satan. I like the randomness of the conversation.
There were a couple grammatical and punctuation errors, but those are easy enough to correct.
The first paragraph was great in setting up the location. You could have described it in a different way though to make the reader "feel" the heat of the sun and the heaviness of the back pack.
Overall, very interesting and I enjoyed it!!
Thanks!
Halli
Hi. Very touching story. My father died in a similar way to this and it definitely brought me back!
You did a good job of setting up Alyssa as the "strong" one so the part where she got to the hospital and saw her dad for the first time and went in to "nurse" mode was excellent. I could definitely feel her shift and strong professional attitude.
I would pay a little more attention to your use of adverbs in the story. They are plentiful, especially at the beginning: frantic knocking, hastily threw it on, walked dazedly.
I think you can use less of them and still show your point, for example: pounding on the door, I stumbled to the door.
I would also have liked to see more information about why she is the strong one of the family. You did a great job explaining that she is, but not why. Is it because she is a nurse, is it because she is less emotional, more mature than her brother? That would have helped set up the ending a little better.
I like the ending a lot, but I think it needed a little more set up earlier in the story.
Great job with the story. I was definitely able to get into the story and feel some of their pain!
Thanks for letting me read it.
Halli
Hi. Your story was very interesting. I was anxious to learn why the man had killed the other one and taken the boy. The story is also on the dark side which I enjoyed.
I do have a few suggestions as well, but please remember these are only my opinions.
First, show not tell. You used a lot of adjectives to describe things like the street and the men. It might be better to get the reader "into" the story by describing how the paving stones felt on the man's feet, how the knife felt as he held/concealed it, etc.
I did like how you described Peach as the man with authority because of his actions.
Second, you may want to look at your spelling, grammar, and punctuation.
And third, if this is the complete story, you may want to explain the man's purpose a little more. For example, how did the first man get the boy, why him, why does the other man want this boy to be a necromancer and what is a necromancer. Even though it was a dream, I think the reader would like a little more explanation.
Remember these are only suggestions. The story has great potential, imagination, and creativity. Keep it up!!!
Wonderfully spooky! Reminds me of ghost stories we told as kids. Ones that left us on the edge of our chairs. I'm interested to see if anyone ventures past the tree line!
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