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1
1
Review of Transients  Open in new Window.
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Initial Impression:

A very nice little tale. Good comedy and good sci-fi that is well written. I like this story.

Disclaimer

Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.


Parts or bits I don't get:

...they serve to keep the population at manageable levels by culling the weak and slow."

I get this actually, I am just thinking perhaps the author forgot to add dim to the reasoning.


Phrases or bits I liked:

...widely used during this period as a universal sign for unity.

How can a reader not like this line? Everyone likes peace a unity. The anthropological a cultural assumptions made by those outside a culture or time period are usually suspect at best, well that is not entirely true I suppose. But there is usually little room left for question by those who put forth such claims. This is a perfect example of how off-base such assumptions can be. Nice work.

"He was propelling himself using only his muscles!"

People do this sort of thing? Wonderful.


Final Discussion/Impression:

This piece flows very well, it's logical and the pace is good. Amidst the humor, which is well done and with good timing, there is a bit of satiric poking at the soft sciences. Or at least at the really soft sciences regarding conclusions reached with limited data. I found this aspect of the story very entertaining and somewhat thought provoking in terms of what will people assume about us in the distant future. Will they think we worshiped dogs (well I suppose some people do, I mean I like my dog better than I like most people, but worship?)? After all we save our dogs by-products in plastic bags that are going to be around for millions of years and future sociologists are going to have to come to some conclusion regarding the abundance of preserved dog stuff. Among other things.

A great piece of flash fiction, humorous and thought provoking. Well done.

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2
2
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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Initial Impression:

A short story well told. I find it amazing that some effective twists are economically fit into such a short piece, less than 2,000 words. I like this piece.


Disclaimer

Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.


Parts or bits I don't get:

I guess my Danish and OJ are worn off."

This could just be me, gut the use of are sounds just a bit awkward here. "Have" instead of are sounds a bit more natural to my untrained ear.

Remember, I told you I had a past."

I wasn't sure where to put this line. At first I am thinking this Jack guy must be a real dolt, or Michelle thinks he is a real dolt because it seems she has been trying to tell him something he doesn't want to hear so he shuts her down every time he brings it up. The reader is well aware of this at this point in the story, as the reader I am also starting to wonder if the author thinks I might be a dolt due to the continued references to Michelle's past.

On the other hand, this sets up the ending very well and the reader, at least me anyway, gets sucked into Michelle's shock and surprise. In this respect very nice work.


Phrases or bits I liked:

She doesn't live in the main house anyway she stays in one of the guest houses."

This is nice, such a revealing line. I like when there is a ton of information in such a few words, especially dialog. Considering some of Michelle's previous thoughts The reader is sent off on a train of thought involving a sophisticated woman taking a naive man for a ride and his money.


Final Discussion/Impression:

This piece flows well and is logical. The pace is good although it seems to slow a bit when the woman expresses her hunger. I think the story covers four genres which I assume is one of the contest requirements, romance, erotica, dark, and horror. Supernatural is listed as one of the genres but I am not sure how the supernatural part fits in as the caretakers are referred to as Jack's parents, which is entirely plausible from a physical standpoint, unless of course Jack is 160 years old or something but I am not sure, although there is the one quick reference to the caretakers/parents being there forever. Of course it is also entirely possible that I missed something.

Te erotica portion is very well done leaving the actual boinking to the readers imagination which is most often more effective than attempts at graphic description. Well done. It is too bad that twists aren't considered a genre because this where the story really excels. The piece seems to be strongly be heading in one direction and then wham the reader is hit with a another different plot/subplot and then wham again and so on.

I am not a horror type kind of guy, real life is scary enough so I figure why subject myself to more scary stuff through reading or movies. This story however I found enjoyable to read. Nice work.


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3
3
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Unratable.)
Hello Osirantinsel Author IconMail Icon, I am reviewing this piece because I was asked to, or it was on some please review page, or I stumbled across it and want to. Real helpful huh?
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Initial Impression:

I was kind of cruising through your port when this caught my eye, I am not sure why though. The title and byline may have combined to give me an inkling of what was in store.

I don't normally review poetry, especially such personal poetry but there is no way I could read this and not comment. It is a moving piece of writing that explores an aspect of bad news that isn't really discussed much and should be. My hat is off to you for that.


Disclaimer

Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.


Parts or bits I don't get:

Your bad news is yours too, your world has changed worse than mine.

This line is powerful, but it sounds awkward or protracted or something to me. The use of worse doesn't really settle right I think. From the narrator's point of view worse seems perfectly natural here. On the other hand the narrator's mother is portrayed as being rather upbeat and having a positive outlook and the use of worse sort of goes against that. In a way, to me anyway, this seems... what... not so much disrespectful (which was my first thought) as maybe not fully considering the mother's reactions and behaviors concerning the bad news and how she has chosen to deal with the news.

There is a lot of power and emotion packed into this line. It is dealing with more than one dynamic situation/person and that is a lot to pack into one line no matter how long or short it is, plus it's tough to do. This is of course just a comment and I don't really know if there is a better way to write this line, I think considering the subject and complexity it is perfectly acceptable the way it is.

Your breast the price you must pay for the norm.

This line I don't understand. Is the breast the price she must pay to return to her previous norm? Or does norm have a larger, social/society type meaning in this instance? Norm is used twice in the stanza this line is in, the first time it seems clear and fits well. The second time, shown above, it isn't as clear and makes me wonder if I missed the meaning with the first norm. After reading the poem several times I am still not sure of the meaning and my interpretation of this stanza. Of course, I am known to be slow of wit and so forth so it could just be me.



Phrases or bits I liked:

How will I talk to you now? Now that I know your bad news.

I really like this line, for me it is readily identified with and is the focus or theme of the poem. It is a tough question for sure. How do we talk with someone when the common questions don't seem enough and everything else seems inappropriate or too invasive? Is there even a fine line between the two in this case?

One of the aspects of this situation is the depth of the relationship prior to the bad news. In this case it is a mother/daughter bond that appears to be strong which should bode well for communicating the emotions that will arise while traveling this path. This line, which comes early in the poem, sets the tone and theme for the piece very well. It really hooked me and I didn't just want to read the poem, I was compelled to read, finish, and ruminate on the poem. A line that does all that in a few words is a very strong line. Very good work!

You might dread those simple questions now.

What insight! Great line and great placement of this sentence. This, the entire poem, is such a complex subject and the emotions of those involved can be so different and so fragile that sometimes simple questions can be the most painful. However the simple questions are often the only questions that a person is capable of asking, or answering. And it is better to be asked a simple, common question than no question at all. The trick is to take the simple question and make it sincere, meaningful to both the questioner and the questioned. Nice work here.

It is just cancer, just part of the norm these days.

There isn't much to say here, the author is correct, cancer becomes the new norm. It is lived with all day every day and there is no running away so it has to be faced, dealt with. Stark but reality. This line portrays that very well, very good work.


Final Discussion/Impression:

I think many people find writing, and writing poetry specifically, to be a cathartic experience and very helpful in expressing thoughts or emotions that seem overwhelming or mysterious. I suspect that the author wrote this with that being part of the motivation. This poem doesn't fall into the woe is me pit as many other pieces of personal writing do. The poem remains accessible, relevant, and identifiable to most readers I believe and that is admirable and shows a quality of work and character that is unique and refreshing.

Being on the cancer side of this poem I found it very moving and highly illustrative of the way people can deal with or address those with a cancer of some sort, for some it is an obvious struggle and for others it is relatively quickly and easily adopted as the new norm. I identified strongly with this poem and found it rather moving. Nice work.
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4
4
Review of B7  Open in new Window.
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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Initial Impression:

This is a cool piece of writing, a story within a story. I liked it although I had to read it a couple of times due to the number of names presented before I did this initial impression part. Usually I limit this to one so it is s true initial impression.


Disclaimer

Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.


Parts or bits I don't get:

“Never to be silent and alone?”

I kind of got lost here, actually I am still kind of lost here. I am not sure what this means in relation to the story and I couldn't find a subsequent answer or reason for it being here. Perhaps it is meant to reinforce Dayna's character?

This part came before the announcement of Cally's death,or seeming death. The dad realized he had taken the story in the wrong direction for Tilla and quickly amended the story. As a dad myself I really identified with this, when telling my children stories I tried to always pay attention so that the story at least went to a place that was agreeable to them. It is just what dads do.


Phrases or bits I liked:

“What about Cally?” Dayna demanded; she glared round at her brother..

This is where I started to really catch what was going on regarding the story in the story. There were so many names prior to this I was having a bit of trouble orienting myself.

This is really a great line, it illustrates the kid's impatience and interest in the story and characters, it even hints at a personal relationship to the characters. Well done here.

...a child will grow to fill the name. There were times when Vila sincerely wished he’d remembered that when naming his eldest daughter after the beautiful, but extremely headstrong warrioress.

I like this for the reality it interjects and the realization by the storyteller that a bit of a mistake may have been made when naming the child. Additionally, it illustrates that a child will develop to an adults expectations if perhaps not fully to their name. Another piece of good work.

...the soul of the ship fought...

I wasn't sure where to put this comment, bits I don't get or bits I like. I decided to put it here because I find it more intriguing than frustrating. It is only frustrating because I really like soul and science fiction mixture, there is a lot of depth and meat to be explored in the combination and I find it fascinating. This really hooked me into the story.


Final Discussion/Impression:

I like this story the number of names is a bit excessive for the length of the piece. However the names also serve the story well as they illustrate an enthralled audience and give the storyteller characters and material to work with based on the audience, and it turns out experience.

The story flows well and is logical the pace is good and the dad's thoughtful interjections are well placed and well done with a subtle but very appropriate humorous bend. I might suggest italicizing his thoughts to make them a bit clearer though.

The final line really seals the deal, so to speak, in this piece. If there are any doubts left in the readers mind as to what just happened in the story the line clears that up and leaves a warm fuzzy to boot. Good job all the way around on this one.

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5
5
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
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Initial Impression:

An interesting story, well told within limits. There area lot of sentence structure and grammar problems; however, I think this is mostly due to English not being the author's native language.


Disclaimer

Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.


Parts or bits I don't get:

I never really thought of my immortality, ever since my existence I knew I was different I never knew why people get old but I don’t,

I found this a bit confusing. It is unclear to me if he is referring to merman in addition to humans regarding immortality. We have been told he has an unusually strong interest in humans so he would wonder about the tears and bodies through observation of humans. But there is no mention of merman immortality in the story. Of course I could just be ignorant and not know it is common knowledge that mermen are immortal.

Also, the use of "existence" here sounds a ibit awkward to me. I don't know much about mermen, obviously, but to me it makes a bt more sense and would sound better if this were something like, Since I have been aware or from birth I have wondered, something along those lines.

"Humans have many different cultures.".

Two things caught me here, the first is minor. I think only one period is needed and I think it goes inside the quotation marks.

The second is how did she know he had a question and what did she "see" to determine the question was cultural, or pertained to differing cultures? This statement kind of comes out of nowhere it seems to be. I think a bit of explanation leading up to the question would be helpful for the reader.

I left the water and the shore looking for Crystal, but she disappeared.

This would sound much better and clean up this sentence if "had" were inserted between she" and "disappeared". As it is the sentence sounds awkward and while the reader will likely know what the author means this can make reading difficult and cause the reader to quit reading. At least sometimes I will quit reading a story if the reading becomes slow due to many words left out or typos and such.


Phrases or bits I liked:

“I AM IMMORTAL” I exclaimed as if I finally realized my answer to all the wonders I see and don’t understand they experience things I don’t, they know feelings I never knew.

I like this line, there are a couple of problems with it, for instance the as if I finally realized my answer part, Ithink this part of the sentence illustrated the merman's realization of the answer, the "as if" part contradicts the remaining part of the sentence, at least it seems that way to me. The second confusing part for me is the bit about him not feeling emotions that humans experience. How does the merman know that and what are some of the emotions, it becomes clear he is capable f experiencing hatred but I am not sure that is the range of emotion the author is trying to communicate.

What I like about this sentence is the way it expands the merman's character. This line illustrates his ability and willingness to look within himself for answers and not rely on others to find answers for him. Nice work here.


Final Discussion/Impression:

This is a good story that provides some food for thought, which is good. Language differences however make it difficult reading in English. Additionally there are places where there are multiple speakers in the same paragraph which makes for some confusion, at least on my part.

The logic is basically good but there are a few places that raise questions for me. The story flows well and the pace is good. Good effort on this one.

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6
6
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
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Initial Impression:

A nice introduction to a mermaid. The story is simply written and vaguely touches on human nature as viewed by a non-human. Very interesting in that respect. The physical format of the piece can make reading somewhat tough and determining who is speaking is difficult in places.

Disclaimer

Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.


Parts or bits I don't get:

Finally the weekend rolled around again.

This sentence seems to kind of stick out, the "rolled around again" part could be shortened to "again" or the "rolled around" could be omitted and the same information would be conveyed in fewer words and a bit more cleanly. Of course this is just me so you may want to disregard this.

...with sandals on her feet.

As the reader I am going to assume Caitlin is wearing the sandals on her feet. Of course one should never assume but that seems logical to me.


Phrases or bits I liked:

Jayden looked a bit glum about the prospect of the adventures coming to an end.

This is a nice statement of the obvious, who wouldn't be a bit glum if they knew there was a limit on their adventures. In a way this illustrates the enjoyment and excitement Jayden derives from the adventures. This is probably shown in previous chapters but t nice to be reminded of character's enjoyment at times.

“And we’ll both go on all the adventures left,” Caitlin reminded him meaningfully.

It is also good to know Caitlin is a bit put off by missing the dragon adventure. Good work here.

"I have seen your kind do the most awful things to them. Murdering them." She looked away for a moment. "They do not even leave the bodies for their family and friends to mourn,

This is interesting and for me it was totally unexpected. The discussion about whaling, pollution, and the food chain were well done and very appropriate in this context. The part about no bodies being left for the families to mourn was particularly poignant. Very nice work here.


Final Discussion/Impression:

a creative story written in a low key consistent style. There are a few places that could be improved in my opinion but tey are more a matter f taste than anything else and the author can't be knocked for my weird preferences. The format of this piece makes it difficult to read, particularly during conversations, which a substantial portion of this story is. here are paragraph breaks but conversations often have no break between speakers which at times can be confusing and hard to decipher.

The piece has a very mellow pace that fits well with the flow and style in which it is written, it is relaxing to read in this respect. If the format were cleaned up it would be very enjoyable reading. The story proceeds logically and is creative, I like it. Nice. work.

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7
7
Review of My World  Open in new Window.
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Initial Impression:

I found this st be a fairly straightforward poem, it says what it means and means what it says, which is refreshing. The sentiment of burgeoning love is apparent from near the beginning and carried not quite forcefully to the end. I like it.

Disclaimer

Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.


Parts or bits I don't get:

Don’t say these feelings you’ll prevent,

There is something about this line that is unsettling for me and I am not sure what it is. The first time I read this poem I felt like it threw the rhythm off but on subsequent readings it seems to flow fine. The prevent part, blocking feeling or emotion might be the part that kind of throws me. It could be that this is the only action solely left to the recipient of the poem. Of course it could also be me out in right field missing the entire point.

Don’t color me black,
Imagination I don’t lack.

I may be missing this but I am not sure what black and lack of imagination have in common. I am thinking that black is nothingness in this case. I suppose it could be just a place to begin and the author asking not to be judged by any external or obvious internal characteristics in the context of the remainder of the stanza.


Phrases or bits I liked:

I’m falling in love and this is the start.

I find the second to last stanza interestingly written. I like this line for the straightforward statement and sentiment. It is placed in the poem very well and although in a sense the reader can see it coming it is nice to be out there so boldly.

I give you all that I can.

This is what love is all about, nice work.


Final Discussion/Impression:

There is only the one real stumbling place for me and after reading the piece several more times I am not sure why I found/find it a stumbling place. The rhythm is mostly solid and the rhyme good with a consistent flow for the most part. This is a solid straightforward piece. Good work.

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8
8
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Amay Author IconMail Icon, I am reviewing this piece because I was asked to, or it was on some please review page, or I stumbled across it and want to. Real helpful huh?


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Initial Impression:

What a beautiful story. This is somewhat repetitive in places it seems and did sort of slow me down the a bit the first time trough but not enough to make me stop reading. I like the peace of this story


Disclaimer

Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.


Parts or bits I don't get:

...grumpy children whined after a long day of playing in the sand and surf,

There is nothing really wrong with this and it makes sense, the reason I put it here is that for me it doesn't fit with the remainder of the piece. To me this is a positive story and the use of "grumpy" kind of doesn't work with it. Besides, who can be grumpy after a day at the beach? I would be tempted to use, tired or worn out, something along those lines. Of course, that is just me.

Her walks always led to the point the best place on the beach.

This sentence sounds awkward to me, I am wondering if perhaps, "the best place on the beach", is what makes it sound awkward to me? The first time through I stopped here and reread the line and paragraph to make sure I understood what the author was saying. The second and third times it didn't sound quite as awkward, maybe it needs some punctuation but I am not the punctuation police and some one who is would need to look it over.

Walking on the beach, shell hunting, sunset watching had the calming effects of the sand beneath your feet.

This is another place I stumble when when reading through this story. To me this would sound better and make a bit more sense if the "sand beneath your feet" part came before the "calming effect" part. I Think of the watching, walking, and feel of the sand as all contributing to a calming effect. Again, of course, this could just be me.


Phrases or bits I liked:

The rhythmic music of the wind and waves always provided a calmness and peace.

This is a good line, easy for the reader to identify. Plus, it provokes a nice image through sound, really cool.

Every sight, every second made its impression.

This line is nice in its simplicity and and the emotion it evokes through that simplicity, very nice.



Final Discussion/Impression:

While this is quite a pleasant story it does sort of bog down occasionally. Use serenity, peace, calm and similar such words is frequent, if synonyms could be used instead it might move this piece along without redundancy and perhaps keep the reader a bit more engaged.

No names are given in the story but that is not a problem for me, especially since it is a relatively short piece. It would be interesting to know where the couple has been and how they came to choose different paths but it isn't really necessary to the story. The story flows consistently and the logically. The pace is also consistent and appropriate although in places sentiments or thoughts are repeated which can become somewhat burdensome for the reader, well me anyway.

This is a wonderful story I think. The ingredients are present for an extended version if the author ever wishes to flesh it out some. The thoughts and sentiments are clean and the overall feeling of the piece is one of peace. Nice work.

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9
9
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
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Initial Impression:

I kind of liked this story but I am not what the ending is trying to get to or at. The end seems to just sort of hang there for me. Maybe I will get it the second or third time through.


Disclaimer

Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.


Parts or bits I don't get:

as a 45 year old terminal bachelor I got my jollies where I could.

I am wondering if "could" should be can in this line? Making the entire sentence in the present tense. I might be misreading this however so I am not really sure.

“You should slow down,” she breathed.

This could just be me and my single-minded viewpoint but didn't she just tell hi to go faster? I really like the "she breathed" tag though, that is nice.

quickly fastened herself in before demurely placing her hands in her lap

The use of "demurely" here seems kind of out of character for everything thing that has been presented before, and after, this. It just kind of struck me as odd and did cause me to slow down during the first read through. I could just be really nit-picky though.

“It’s a 15 mile stretch of land before the next major turn off, he won’t assume you are following him unless you turn every time he does.

This one is for sure nit-picky but I am going to toss it in anyway. In a story this length I don't think it is a real big deal but if the story were to be expanded I think this is kinda important. So there are smaller turn-offs in addition to the next major one in 15 miles? Because a strip of land is mentioned I am wondering if they are near water or in an area that also has long bridges. How is the driver supposed to follow if he can't turn where the target does? This line posed a lot of questions for me and caused me to look for answers in the remainder of the story, answers that I never found.


Phrases or bits I liked:

Those deep brown almond shaped eyes held more mystery and knowledge than someone her age should possess.

This is a great line, the entire paragraph is actually very good. I like the eyes possessing more wisdom than they should, it tells a lot about the character in a few words and leaves the way open for wisdom of different sorts by the character. Very nice work here.

The dry look in response said she recognized a dull joke when she heard one.

This is a great line also, it shows simply and perfectly a 13 year-old girl and advances her character in a few words. No one can give a you are a dolt look like a 13 year-old girl. Nice job.


Final Discussion/Impression:

For me the story just kind of ended, the reader learns the girls name, her motive, and her age but that is it. This would be a great place to end a chapter but it seems kind of barren for a short story to me. The last line brings up more questions than answers for me - of course I am not known for my quickness of wit.

I would like to see a bit more resolution in the ending, or better yet perhaps a version that has been expanded somewhat to give us more of the girl's problems or goals n following the target.

This piece flows well and the style is superb with the road weary cabbie narrating, there is a real feel that the narrator has been around the block, so to speak. It is a joy to read this just for the superb job done with the narrator. Excellent work in this respect. For the most part the piece is logical and there are not any typos or grammar things that jump out at me. Nice work!

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10
10
Review of Traffic Lights  Open in new Window.
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Anna Author IconMail Icon, I am reviewing this piece because I was asked to, or it was on some please review page, or I stumbled across it and want to. Real helpful huh?

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Initial Impression:

An engaging story that kept my interest from opening to end. There are some typos and an awkward spot or two towards the beginning but not enough to make me stop reading. Throughout the piece there are some very nice word combinations and descriptions. I like this story.


Disclaimer

Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.


Parts or bits I don't get:

and that his dimly flickered in quite a different orbital to hers,

I am not sure about this but this bit sounds awfully awkward to me, it could be the use of "orbital" instead of orbit or it could be something else. The first time I read through the story I stopped here and reread this sentence for definition and clarity but couldn't really decide why I stopped here. So, of course this could be entirely my problem.

...stains of her being there, and bundle her into their whining, flashing, fluorescent-lit version of her attacker.

I kind of got lost here. I thought she crashed her car into a tree but this sentence, or bit of a sentence, seems to imply that another car hit her. This bit made me go back and read for clarity to determine what happened and what was happening however I could find no resolution between the two. Of course I may be missing some major point, it would not be the first time.

...he left his gently snoring wife,...

In the previous sentence Norton and his wife had been watching a film together and there has been no indication that anything has changed. It reads to me like after seeing a particular actress in the film that Norton just got up and left, his wife still watching the film. Did I miss something here?


Phrases or bits I liked:

Norton’s wife was Swedish, and very quiet, and sat in blondish neutrality as she sewed initials onto things and watched art-house films.

This part is just me, I think maybe this sentence would read and sound better without the "and" before "very quiet. This is just me though.

What caught me here was "blondish neutrality", what an exquisite combination that thoroughly describes the woman's demeanor. Very nice.

Perhaps the cars of the dead and dying evaporated in their places, leaving a ghostly, yet very convenient, empty lot.

This is a wonderful line I think. It is descriptive and provokes a somewhat ethereal spiritual image of a parking lot. How unique and original, very well done.

...and harbouring wrinkles whose stories he did not understand. She looked around his age – middle, if it needed a name –...

There are two bits here that made me go "Oh wow", wrinkles Norton doesn't understand and presumably wants to, and the middle age label. The wrinkles part is keen observation and comment on human nature and how desires can conflict with reality, or our perceived reality. And the middle age bit is just kinda funny while noticing that nobody really wants to be labeled as middle aged. Nice work.

It's a funny thing, hope.

The paragraph that this line starts is one of the best in the entire piece. It clarifies unbidden, unexpected, and unreal hope in such human and desperate terms. Like much of the rest of this piece it taps into the reader's emotional experience. Very good writing.


Final Discussion/Impression:

I found this an interesting and relatively easy piece to read. I am not a punctuation kind of guy, mostly because I don't know much about punctuation, but it seems to me there are a lot of very long sentences in this piece.
I don't really know if that is good or bad, it didn't really bother me much. Although there were a few times I I stopped or reread a sentence just because of the length. I know that would bother some readers but I think for the most part that style or technique works well with this piece.

There is an awkward spot or two but I didn't see any typos or misspellings and the piece seems pretty thoroughly edited. The story flows well, has a good pace and makes sense. Images and emotions are constantly brought forth due to the quality of the writing and the crafting of unique phrases to touch the reader; that is the real strength of this piece. A though provoking - that is a good thing - piece with keen insight into human nature and desire. I would recommend this piece to any reader, very nice work.


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11
11
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Initial Impression:

A short humorous story about jumping to conclusions. I kind of liked it as it shows probably what is a pretty common jump for a lot of people.


Disclaimer

Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.


Parts or bits I don't get:

need for whatever it was she was sell, but

To my ear "sell" sounds better as "selling", of course that could just be my ear.

my father lives in whole other country

To me this bit does kind of sound like a kid speaking. The "whole other country" part seems like a pretty young thing to say. I would be tempted to leave the "whole" out. Of course that is just me though.


Phrases or bits I liked:

Maybe even make-up?

Oh boy! Make-up! this is funny, what more could be desired than spending the afternoon with a door to door make-up sales woman. I can't think of anything.

However, it was clearly lost in translation...

Like so much humor, translation is everything and when some one is uncomfortable like this it seems translation is near impossible, therefore humor becomes ineffective. It's a bummer.


Final Discussion/Impression:

A story with a point that is shown with humor is always effective I think, it should cause people to stop and contemplate the assumptions they make about others.

This piece is short but it gets right to the point with very little extraneous information. In that respect t is very good. For me the humor was somewhat sporadic but good where it could be found (could be my translation problem however). The story flows well and is certainly logical. Good work.

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12
12
Review of Street Dreams  Open in new Window.
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Initial Impression:

Kind of disturbing short piece on the problems causing and facing a young runaway girl. It is an older piece but valid with some good observations on human weakness.


Disclaimer

Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.


Parts or bits I don't get:

every morning for the passed year.

I think maybe "passed", should be "past"?


Phrases or bits I liked:

He sees the young girl. The girl smiles at him. He quickly turns his head pretending not to see her.

What a human response. This is a very good line that illustrates typical human behavior when faced with something that easier o ignore or deny than admit. Very well done.

Better than the loneliness she feels on the streets.

Another good observation. Almost anything is better than "nothingness".


Final Discussion/Impression:

A moving story that should make a person stop and think, assess his/her response to what may seem unconventional to him/her. Another well written story by this author that illustrates a slice of life often marginalized.

The story flows well and is logical within the parameters of the piece. The piece is over 20 years old but holds up very well over the years. For a very short story it is packed full of thought provoking material. That is good.

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13
13
Review of The Chosen War  Open in new Window.
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Initial Impression:

An pleasant read about FireAntia and the dangers of kingdom location. This is a fun piece of flash fiction that is well written and easy to like, which I did.

Disclaimer

Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.


Parts or bits I don't get:

As the final preparations were applied, it happened.

My only real question is if the feast has occurred or not. The line prior to this one talks about consuming the sumptuous feast. Did I miss something?


Phrases or bits I liked:

We had purposefully rebuilt our kingdom at the farthest reaches of the land that the Walkers called "the backyard".

This is nice, the furthest reaches of the backyard sounds like the edge of galaxy as far as distance is concerned. It gives a nice scale to the story.

because they chose themselves for this grave duty

If grave isn't here as a pun it should be.


Final Discussion/Impression:

A creative story that is well written and progresses from beginning to end in the allotted word count. It is engaging from the opening line to the closing line. It is kind of a serious adventure but there is decidedly a humorous twist to it. I like it, very nice work!

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14
14
Review of Realizations  Open in new Window.
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
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Initial Impression:

This is a story about realization (go figure that is the title) of what is important in life and where effort should be placed in growth. In places it can be difficult reading but I suspect that is due to cultural differences between author and reader; this reader anyway. This is a satisfying piece with some substance to it.


Disclaimer

Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.


Parts or bits I don't get:

but her arrogance got on their nerves at times.

This is strictly a personal observation, but I would think that a child's arrogance would get on the parent's nerves pretty much constantly once they realized what was happening.

Nupur could not do anything in bed except studying

"Studying" in this sentence doesn't sound quite right to me ear. I think maybe study is a better word to use with "anything" earlier in the sentence. I don't think the two "ings" work together. Just my opinion though.

Ding Dong! The doorbell sounded weird. It seemed as if a drug addict was at the door, not a normal human being.


I don't get this sentence. I don't know were it came from or why it is here. It is the same doorbell they have always heard yet now it sounds like drug addict is at the door? How does it sound different and why? Does the crash that happens later have something to do with it?

There was no mention of drugs or addicts in the entire piece although there may be hint or two that recreation drug use is part of the problem. This is the only line in the entire piece referencing this type behavior, it seems to come out of nowhere and disappear just as quickly. I think it would be helpful to either give the line/thought a bit more explanation or remove it completely. It is an interesting sentence, well written, it just seems awkward there.


Phrases or bits I liked:

“Mom, my friend’s dad got a new Premio car, when do I get one?”

This as kind of funny, typical teenage reasoning. My friend's dad go got a new car when do I get one? A good line for illustrating where a teenager's mind is, or isn't. Well done.

She had run after glass pieces instead of looking for diamonds

I really like this line it is a unique approach to an old sentiment and a a very fitting method of ending this story. Again, well done.


Final Discussion/Impression:

There are places where this is kind of difficult to read but I suspect that is pretty much due to language usage differences. Overall the piece flows well and is pretty much logical with the exception of the noted sentence. The story is very illustrative of the title and takes a soft compassionate approach to the subject; it is rather refreshing. the opening lines, while not necessarily attention grabbing are enticing for the simplicity and beauty contained and go a long way towards getting the reader to continue reading the piece. Well done.

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15
15
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Initial Impression:

This is essentially a personal essay on the author having difficulty deciphering and finding meaning in poetry; a valid concern/wonder. The by-line "Poets, what do you say to a non-poet/" caught my eye and sucked me in.

I enjoy poetry but I am no poet by any stretch of the imagination. I believe poetry is for everyone, not all poems are relative to all individuals but many, the majority, are pieces of work that an individual can find meaning and relevance in. In this respect I think this piece misses the mark. It is well thought out and illustrates the premise of poetry in general being over the readers capabilities. I disagree with this rather strongly for a variety of reasons; however, this is nothing more than a differing viewpoint, neither is really right or wrong.


Disclaimer

Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.


Parts or bits I don't get:

Do you prefer I click away, or is there a secret formula to decrypting them?

A secret formula. I think perhaps some poets do write with their own secret formula, seeing who can guess the formula and decipher the meaning of their poem. This isn't necessarily the purpose of a poem however. Meaning is found in the interpretation of the reader. Sometimes that can be as simple as the actual words on the page or meaning found several layers deep. The point is the code, meaning, interpretation whatever one wishes to label lies with the reader, not the author/poet. Of course the author has a message they are hoping to get across, usually, to the reader but it would be highly unrealistic for even a poet to expect all readers to walk away from his/her poem with identical messages.

It's someone's masterpiece-the highest expression of inner thoughts.

This line kind of scared me, if some of the poetry I have read is "the highest expression of inner thoughts" then as a species we are truly in trouble. My interpretation of course.


Phrases or bits I liked:

...but I don't meta your phoric.

This line cracked me up, there is a of meta i am not phoricing also. Nice line that gives some lightness to what could become a heavy piece, good work. The scuba line was good too.

I hear the music behind the words,

I about fell out of the chair when I first read this line. I had a discussion with a poet once using these exact words and changed my view of poets and poetry forever, and not for the better. For some background you might be interested in reading "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. (I know, that was a shameless plug). In any event the music is always there and we all can not only hear it we contribute to it.

If you tell me your poem is a specific type, and include the requirements, I can count syllables and check out the technicalities. That's not reviewing.

I agree, reviewing is more than counting commas and pointing out typos or structure errors.

Final Discussion/Impression:

A very interesting and insightful piece worthy of serious thought by poets and non-poets alike. There are plenty of places where I take exception to what the author has voiced. However, as previously mentioned the exceptions are purely alternate interpretations of similar circumstances.

The writing flows well, the argument proceeds and is laid out logically which is very nice. A good piece of writing.

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16
16
Review of Winter  Open in new Window.
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello April Desiree-I'm back! Author IconMail Icon, I am reviewing this piece because I was asked to, or it was on some please review page, or I stumbled across it and want to. Real helpful huh?

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Initial Impression:

A very well written poem that brings forth some serious contemplation and reflection. Highly recommended.


Disclaimer

Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.


Parts or bits I don't get:

I liked the whole thing. The only criticism I might have is that a rhythm or cadence never really develops. However, that does not retract from the poem at all.


Phrases or bits I liked:

turn a cruel black,

This is a very poignant line from a stunning stanza. Word usage is good and the emotion withdrawn by this section is powerful. Well done.

fading into the light,
into the night.

The poem is very powerful to begin with, but these lines really bring out the feelings of the end and loss as life and youth fade.

Final Discussion/Impression:

This is a very poignant and introspective poem. I am a believer in the reader finding his/her own meaning in the poem and for me this piece is full of important concepts and realities most of us are going to have to face/deal with. Excellent work!

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17
17
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Initial Impression:

Wow, well done. I don't normally review poetry mostly because I know nothing about poetry but, I do know what I like and I like this. The flow and rhythm really complement the emotional aspect of this piece.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.


Parts or bits I don't get:

'Cause we have but one day in the sunshine

There is more than likely nothing wrong with this line. For me however, it doesn't sound quite right I'm not sure if it is the "'Cause" that leads off or the sentiment that a life boils down to one aspect or a single facet. If the latter is the reason it sounds funny to me then there really is no problem and it's a difference, perhaps, in viewpoints between us. Which is good.

It's life was so bitter sweet.

Again, I am not sure about this line. I like the idea however it seems rather simplified. While I suspect this poem is to be taken at face value I am not really sure there isn't more to it and this line leads to deeper meaning of the entire piece. Reading this piece several times is needed to get a full interpretation I think.

If this were my piece, and it is not, I would leave out the "so" but that is strictly my preference.


Phrases or bits I liked:

Leaving us wistful and jaded,

The words chosen for this line are great, I think this is a high impact line in a high impact stanza. This area, and line in particular lead me to believe that although this seems a simple poem there is more to seen following further reflection. I like that in any piece of writing.


Final Discussion/Impression:

As previously mentioned I don't typically review poetry, one of the reasons is that I believe the reader should find their own meaning in the poet's work and not necessarily try to duplicate the author's meaning. This doesn't mean the reader ignore the author's reasons or goals it just means the poem can have significance to the reader that the author did not intend, and that is pretty cool. Anyway to get back on track I often end up with a poetry review that may be looking for somet5hing that doesn't exist and considerately less than helpful to the author. I am afraid in this case that may have happened

I do know that that rhyming and rhythm of this piece roll of the tongue and make it a delight to read or listen to. That can be tough to accomplish. The ambiguity I feel regarding the piece's complexity is difficult for me to resolve, hence the 1/2 star off, but the piece is very compelling and easy yo read which as mentioned is a difficult combination to achieve I think. nice work.


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18
18
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
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Initial Impression:

This is an interesting story, it took some work for me to get past the beginning but once I did it really kind of straightened out. I am not sure I would have finished reading it if I had not decided to review it due to the seemingly lengthy introduction.

There some great lines in here that illustrate an eight year old's thinking and drive along with an adults obsession with profit and money.


Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

The buttery aroma permeated every molecule of air in the vicinity for half-a-mile

This is no big deal and I know there are people here at WDC that will disagree or argue the point. This sentence seems kind of redundant to me by containing "vicinity" and "half-a-mile. One or the other could be used to better effect in my opinion.

...for which he would make us aware of every dollar he spent for the day.


I am not telling you these tales to prove how cheap my father had been; I tell you them to show how incessant my father was concerning all matters of money.

I've included these two comments because by the time we get to the second mentioned it has been very well established that the dad is thoroughly consumed with money and has little if any interest in anything else, particularly family. The point is further shown when dad starts lecturing the kid on a paleontologist's money earning possibilities. What dad in his right mind talks to a budding eight year old paleontologist about income? Great example of a cheap and out of touch guy by the depth and length of the illustration takes away from the story. The point has been shown long before the explanation ends.


Phrases or bits I liked:

At age twelve, he knew how to throw gasoline on a fire, then sit back and watch the flare up, especially when it came to matters that irritated my father.

This is a great line, little brother recognizes big brothers ability to get Dad worked up. And who can get a parent worked up as well a 12 year old wise guy?

“Really happened?” I couldn’t fathom what he planned to tell me, he wasn’t even there when it happened.

I think this is probably my favorite line in the piece. Some knucklehead adult is going to explain what happened to the kid. The adult, a doctor no less, is going to tell a kid with his head in bandages the reality of the situation when no how unlikely the experience may be to the kid at eight he knows what he saw.


Final Discussion/Impression:

As mentioned previously the length of the hook really seemed to go on for too long and made finishing the piece difficult. It would have been interesting I think to explore the strained relationship between father and son mentioned in the byline. It is clear there are some problems with the relationship but I would guess there are more than a guys obsession with profit that come between dad and kids.

There is a ton of stuff to work with in this piece, relationships, imaginary (or not)dinosaurs, a mans compulsion, or a two time a year dad. I think there are several direction this piece could and be an excellent story

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19
19
Review of Shorty and I  Open in new Window.
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello aralls, I am reviewing this piece because I was asked to, or it was on some please review page, or I stumbled across it and want to. Real helpful huh?
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Initial Impression:

How can a guy not love a story about that special dog? This was good, I like the way it kind of stuck with the hunting theme and the different family members relationship to the dog.



Disclaimer

Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

...chained Shorty to the oak tree outside her bedroom window...

I didn't, or still don't I guess I really understand why Shorty was chained to the tree. I know a lot of guys never let their dog run free except while hunting but it I get the impression that Shorty was also a family dog, pet. Of course I have never had a bloodhound or hound for that matter so maybe their is a difference between the dogs I have had and hounds.

Phrases or bits I liked:

...but that didn’t stop me from holding his broad red head in both hands, peering into his beautiful brown eyes and letting him know how I felt about him.

This is such a kid thing, okay maybe an adult thing too. I think it is well captured in this line without getting to terribly sappy. Nice work.

Final Discussion/Impression:

As mentioned how can a guy resist a dog story. I think the end is particularly fitting, the kid (your dad?) burying the dog in the hard clay and sweating profusely and being grateful the sweat hid his tears. This is so illustrative of so many things it's tough to list them all, the depth of attachment we can have for a pet and the expectations of our culture (particularly for the male looking for manhood being a couple of the more significant related to this story.

I wrote a story a while back about my special dog and putting him down for me it was a tough write and it is still a tough read. As time passes however, I don't think so much of the day I had to put him down like this story I remember the dog s behaviors and the incidents that made us laugh and the times that made us not so happy with him. The final lines of this piece illustrate the memories we choose to keep close at hand.

An engaging story that flows very well, nice job.
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20
20
Review of The Vortex Veneer  Open in new Window.
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello mjp ink Author IconMail Icon, I am reviewing this piece because I was asked to, or it was on some please review page, or I stumbled across it and want to. Real helpful huh?
However in your case you are the wining bidder in the April Showers Auction so this is the first of three reviews that you were unlucky enough to win.
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Initial Impression:

First off, Mick, I haven't read the story yet but I feel the need to apologize because it's a pretty short story. However, the title and description are irresistible to me so here we go.

Hah! I'm glad I took the time to stop and read this, it is well worth the couple of minutes it consumes. Nice work with the prompts.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

...environmentally-friendly Indisposable Nappies.

This comes right on the tale of two other humorous inventions, great play on words in all three inventions. This one is my favorite though.

This might be a moot point under the circumstance I don't really know. I the U.S. 'indisposable' is two words or hyphenated 'in-disposable'. This could just be a different spelling I don't know.

Phrases or bits I liked:

"Thanks, I must be getting old in my old age."

Initially I couldn't decide if this was funny or one too many olds in the sentence. Either way it remains quirky funny and that is nice. Good work with this.

Final Discussion/Impression:

This was very funny for so few words. I really like the invention names and then his concept of harnessing hydro-power from the creek. I didn't find anything here that stood out as a glaring mistake or not making any sense.

It's a great use of the prompts and it feels like you were almost led in this direction by the prompts, like the story almost wrote itself. Which means it flows very well.

Very nice work.
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21
21
Review of Internet Ted  Open in new Window.
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*UmbrellaB* This is a Member to Member Review for Showering Acts of Joy! *UmbrellaB*


Hello anastasia beyverhausen Author IconMail Icon, I am reviewing this piece because I was asked to, or it was on some please review page, or I stumbled across it and want to. Real helpful huh?
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Initial Impression:

This was a fairly funny piece but I am not sure if I liked it or not. I am going to have to read it again and let it sit for a bit.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

"Madam, someone will be right with you,"

These are the things I pick up, sorry, but I am just one guy that doesn't know what the heck he is talking about. And maybe I am just being picky. Since she is on a date she is most likely single, I think, shouldn't be Mademoiselle? I think that is single in French, like Mrs. versus Miss in English.

Ever since her divorce,...

This could just be me too. The "Ever since," part seems kind of redundant and sounds a bit off to me. I think the 'ever' could be left out here. The 'since' serves the same purpose by itself and tells the reader the same thing in one word instead of two. It just sounds and looks cleaner to me.

Phrases or bits I liked:

"He could be a madman," Sheryl, her best friend warned, "or worse.....ugly!"

Right of the bat I am smiling, good job here.

Final Discussion/Impression:

This is a good short piece a lot is said in a short time, or few words, which is good. It is also, and for a humorous piece this is nice, is a bit thought provoking. Or, it is social commentary in which case it is kind of disturbing.

Maybe I am reading too much into this, but then it is my reaction and I am the reader. The first thing that struck me was the ugly comment, that was funny but the implication that somehow meeting a guy that has a screw or two loose is better that meeting a guy that is ugly makes a guy wonder. I mean as a guy would I really want to be with a woman that prefers psycho to ugly? Then the guy stutters and spits (okay, I'll give you the spitting, nobody wants to be dodging saliva all night). Is that really so bad? I mean the woman is self admittedly, "out of shape", is there no room for less than perfect in seeking a companion. Certainly this isn't gender specific, we could just as easily be talking about the guy with the squashed nose and cauliflower ear seeking nothing less than the perfect woman. Anyway this is a discouraging comment on the current state of society or a thought provoking statement on double standards,

Okay, a lot was said in a few words and in little area, that is kinda cool, it takes some skill to say that much that quickly I think. I am certainly going to give this short piece more thought than many books that I have read and that is a good thing. Well done.
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22
22
Review of Cute Guy Tim  Open in new Window.
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello aralls, I am reviewing this piece because I was asked to, or it was on some please review page, or I stumbled across it and want to. Real helpful huh?
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Initial Impression:

Wow! You have gotten way better at your comedy writing. I am going to have to go through the folder now and check out your other stuff, very nice.

Several smiles and a few laughs in there. Makes us ugly guys feel good to know there are some good looking creepy guys out there, nice.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

...I could come to his apartment; he was running a late – something about...

I think maybe there is a typo here, is the 'a' an extra? It kinda doesn't sound right the way it is. Could just be me though.

Phrases or bits I liked:

(oh my God! Only an hour and a half?)

This is pretty good, an early laugh and well timed. Also, it's something every reader can relate to, maybe not in a date situation but certainly in terms of watching a child's drama production or dinner with the in-laws or something.

Not that I have ever had that thought at either of those events.

Well, I can damn well guarantee you; I ain’t taping any feathers on my body.

This entire scenario is good, very creative, very funny. Personally, I would have saved this event for the second date.

I lost the ability to have an unexpressed thought.

Ah, and how this burns us time and again, something snaps and out comes the words we know we are going to pay for. Very well done here.

Final Discussion/Impression:

this is pretty funny, me saying this too you I mean, well the story is very funny also but it sounds very weird for me to be saying to you that your comedy writing has improved. I mean you have helped me with my writing so much and here I am telling you yours has gotten better. Just seems ironic or something.

Anyway the comedy content and timing are very good. As all your pieces it flows well. I am going to delve into your comedy folder some more. Thanks for letting me know this is here.

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23
23
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Vivian Author IconMail Icon, you, yes you, are receiving a shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. you lucky person you. This is one of the reviews for your shower. Enjoy the hot water and fluffy warm towel. Please don't get any soap in your eyes. Well, unless you want to, in which case have at it.
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Initial Impression:

I have always been impressed by dialog only stories. This was a an interesting story, I liked the concept of it and the twist at the end was good and not anticipated until I think it was probably intended.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

"Yeah, you got it, Fields."

I don't really understand why this guy didn't tell the detective as soon as he knew that there was a Norman Fields dating, or on vacation with the dispatcher. It sounds like he is pretty well known to these two guys and the name would be a red flag to both of them. I get why the kid is using his real name but he is taking a pretty big chance hanging around the police station for three months to torment some detective who would like nothing better than to get his hands on him. This doesn't seem to make much sense to me.

“Oh, darling, this week has been wonderful. I’ve enjoyed every minute. But I dread going back to the mess at the office."

“Sweet, being with you like this has been like a dream.”

The dialog throughout this piece sounded very formal to me, way to formal for a young guy, computer geek or not. The lady I could see talking that way if I stretch my imagination but I am guessing she is 30 to 40 and it sounds a bit over the top for a woman that age to me.

Of course this could be just me and the speech patterns I spend most of my time around so maybe it is just a taste or style thing.

Phrases or bits I liked:

“I don’t understand. Norman, please . . .”

This is where it becomes apparent that maybe this lady really is the ditz she seems to be I mean the guy has laid it all out and she still isn't getting it. good way to illustrate that she really is quite gullible.

Final Discussion/Impression:

The dialog is too formal for a kid and a police dispatcher in my opinion and it really doesn't make sense how he got away with this for three months using his real name.

I think it is a great idea for a story though and twist is unseen at the beginning. It was clear from the beginning he was using her for something, but what wasn't clear until towards the end. so that part was well done.
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24
24
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Vivian Author IconMail Icon, you, yes you, are receiving a shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. you lucky person you. This is one of the reviews for your shower. Enjoy the hot water and fluffy warm towel. Please don't get any soap in your eyes. Well, unless you want to, in which case have at it.
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Initial Impression:

I am with the coach, I would have been a tad worried about splitting the brothers on teams also.

This is a nice piece it has brothers, a mom and a dad, baseball, competition, understanding and love. I like it and the descriptions of the games. I know it can happen, but it seems too idyllic to have three brothers of these ages and no discordance from them all day under the circumstances. Not that it couldn't or doesn't happen, it's just an amazing thing to see.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

“Ryan,” Coach Shelby said as he walked up with Shane beside him, “I need you and Shane to trade teams. We have too many of you bigger guys on this team and not enough on Team Four.”

There is nothing wrong with this line, but the first time through this piece I missed it or it didn't register or something (okay I am not a real sharp guy but I can't help it you know? My mom dropped me on me head when I was a wee lad). Consequently I spent a while being confused as to who was the youngest and it was hard to follow, the story that is. Maybe a bit more emphasis earlier on the youngest or the ages of the the relative position of the guys in order of birth or something might help. Of course I am just one guy and it may just be me who can't follow along.

Motioning to the game in the diamond in front of them, his father answered, "They've both won one and lost one, and their teams play each other next." Laying an arm around his son's shoulders, he added, "Ryan, don't get discouraged. You're doing fine."

I don't get why the dad motions to the diamond in front of him here?

"The score's been tied for five innings, and since one team has to win..." The boys' father shrugged as he glanced down to his shorter wife. "They're in the top of the sixth inning now, with Colby making the only hit and knocking in a player who had walked." He unscrewed the cap of the plastic bottle. "Right now Team Five has four runs, and Team Six, three."

Okay, I know I am rather dense and slow. Lots of the time I don't get it, so if I am overlooking something here please feel free to disregard this or go ahead and tell me what an idiot I am.

This is my understanding of the game's status at the moment. The game is tied, it has been for five innings. It's the top of the sixth. At some point in the came Colby got the teams only hit and got an RBI from a walked runner. And then the dad says team five is up by a run on team six, four to three. So if Colby is on a team that has had two or three unearned runs and has spoiled a no hitter. Is that correct? I can buy two or three unearned runs considering we are talking about little league and mixed ages competing. But why did the dad say they were tied at the moment? This made me put on the breaks and determine if I had read it correctly, then I went back to see what I had missed that would explain the situation a bit better, but I didn't find anything. So I am going to assume that what was really meant was that Colby got the only hit in the top if the sixth? but then they aren't tied at the moment? I know I am missing something, so what am I not seeing?

Phrases or bits I liked:

“Hey, guys, just remember all you’ve learned this week in baseball camp, plus what you already know,”...

I like this for the general information that the dad is telling all the guys but really directing to Shane, following it up with the more general comment really is a good way to take the pressure of the youngest and putting him in a different "class" of player or admitting that his skills aren't going to be as honed as his brothers. Good dad, good coach. Well done here.
This

Final Discussion/Impression:

Anything with baseball kids and dads is good, it has to be by definition, that is just the way it is.

As I have mentioned above there were a couple of things I didn't get, the first was really no big deal but the second was too much to ignore. I am still not getting it and it's a pretty important of the piece in the scheme of things and certainly in Colby's day. For me it is too large a hiccup in the piece. If you can tell me what I missed I will be more that happy to revise the score I am going to give this.

I found it difficult too keep the boys straight, specifically which kid was which age, Mainly I think this is due to the very short paragraphs and the rapid switching of talking about one kid or the other. I think a bit more time spent introducing the guys and their status, age, in the family would be beneficial in making this a a smoother, easier reading piece. that is just my opinion though and I may be the only guy with these problems, or this problem. No I guess no matter who you talk to they will tell you that concerning me problem should be plural.

What I really like about this piece is the fact it show a healthy family with good relationships with each other, I mean even the brothers get along for the day. How cool is that? I know it can happen that brothers of these ages will get along for 24 hours so it isn't a fantasy thing. The dad's comment about at least for today at the end is a great way to add that reality to the story. I think if it came earlier in the story that would really help make this a realistic piece, maybe just a shared look by mom and dad when the older guys support the younger in the car or something. then again maybe it's just me. Either way it's a great look at, and example of a good family and caring parents. In my opinion something we don't read a lot about around here.

In spite of my confusion in the fifth or sixth inning I really liked this and I would encourage you to clear up the confusion if it really is there. If it is just me you can write-off the review.
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25
25
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Bonnie Author IconMail Icon, you, yes you, are receiving a shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. you lucky person you. This is one of the reviews for your shower. Enjoy the hot water and fluffy warm towel. Please don't get any soap in your eyes. Well, unless you want to, in which case have at it.
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Initial Impression:

I am not sure why but I feel like I can relate to this story. However I've never chopped down a palm tree. It explanation after the title that got me to read this.

There are some amusing parts here, but there are also some typos and awkward sentences that make it somewhat difficult to follow in a couple of place. I have to read it a couple more times though, sometimes these things are clearer for me the second time around. Not that I am slow or anything. Okay, I am slow, but I've learned to live with it. Sorta.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

`This is getting old, Jules said sounding exasperated

I think maybe there is a typo here, should there be a quotation mark after the old?

`Either see she gets out-or {iyou can do the grocery shopping!`

There is a long section of this story in italicized, The italics start here. I am thinking maybe there is no end italics bracket where one was supposed to go?

This kitten had landed a good home, thought Tim, Tiger has only been gone six months, woman they soon forget loved ones and get replacements quickly{i wonders if she would replace me as quick...}

This bit seems very awkward to, I am just one guy though and not real bright so it could be me. The entire thing is in italics but it is where the long italicized part ends. I am wondering if maybe the author is trying to put this characters thoughts in italics? I put thoughts in italics, of course that doesn't mean it's right.

I am wondering if woman should be plural here it kinda sounds the guy is generalizing to include all women, at least to me it does. I think there may be an extra space between gone and six.

One of the awkward things here is "...kitten had landed..." that kinda makes it sound like the kitten intentionally went looking for some poor sap that would take it home and feed it organic chicken. At least to me, because I thought there was a bit about the kitten being stranded by the freeway or something. For me an 'in' between landed and a would sound better and make a lot more sense.

The other thing about this passage is the quick replacement part. Now I am not claiming to have any keen insight to the female psyche, as the matter of fact far from it I mean if I did my wife wouldn't be exasperated with me quite so much and I would have an inkling as to why she gets exasperated in the first place. Alas, I haven't a clue. Anyway, in my limited experience with females it doesn't seem to me that they forget loved ones all that quickly and they certainly don't replace them with real loved quickly. Granted my experience is limited, only one wife for 32 tears and a daughter and a mom and a sister, wait I think I mean 33 years, and none of them seem all that quick to try and substitute one cat for another. It just doesn't sound right to me. But then again I am just one guy. Oh yeah and a daughter-in-law.

Snooks began pawing the cabinet door, he let her out,...

How come the cat paws the cabinet door to go out and not the door?

Jules was a smart woman, lavish the cat with attention, hold some back from Tim, he will eventually come round.

Now this is just me again, but, Jules doesn't really sound that smart here, she sounds mean to me. To me withholding attention or affection is just kinda bitchy I think. Additionally, this sounds pretty out of character with the animal lover and forgiving wife at the end of this. Maybe it's just me though.


Phrases or bits I liked:

He did feel a bit guilty.looking over at the kitten while Jules went to get him a beer from the kitchen `Ok, Snooks, thanks for taking the heat on this, I owe you one!' The kitten just cowered down in the bed.'

This was good, it shows the guy actually does kinda like the cat and even appreciates what the cat went through and is taking the blame for him. Well not willingly but he is still giving the cat credit

Meeting Joe, as she was leaving the grocery store was timely. She also meant to clear away the dead chickadee that morning!

I like this line, or couple of lines because of the comedic potential. There is a ton of potential here. I would suggest breaking these up a bit perhaps and maybe giving more than just a line to meeting Joe at the store. Even though this is a pretty short story a quick reminder that Joe was the guy Tim called, Or perhaps, and I think this is the way I would be tempted to do it is let her mention meeting Joe at the store, But not have her mention it until Time has given a her a very embellished fictional story of saving the bird from certain death at the fiendish claws of the cat. I'd let her really kinda sucker him in, give him plenty of rope to hang himself. Then she could casually mention seeing Joe his friend the fireman with the firetruck.

I suppose then, and this is strictly me, she could then draw the real story out of him and do something nice like tell him that it was more the challenge of growing the tree than the tree itself and actually thank him for getting the cat out of it. Of course that is just me and happy endings.


...she simply leap of before it hit the ground. although it wasn't...

A couple of typos I think, should of be off and I think although she be capitalized.

Final Discussion/Impression:

In the end this was an entertaining story, but at times the reader, well me at least, gets distracted by some of the typos and the awkward wording. And distractions will take away from the flow and impact of the story, actually they'll kill the flow and for me I think that is one of the problems here.

I feel like I have severely pummeled you about the head and shoulders and I am really hoping you are still with me here because the potential i9n this piece is tremendous. I think the bones are here for a great comedy piece that can also show the solid marital relationship the two have, at least I hope they have. Comedy and love are there they just need to be massaged a bit. The whole cat thing and him not liking the cat is a great place to show some comedy. The wife essentially forgiving him is a great example of the bond and relationship a husband and wife can have.

I would strongly encourage you to spend some time with this story making the characters more consistent, having their actions or words show there personality and their belief in each other. I think that is there just not really shown consistently, or quite enough, but maybe if they were consistent it would show with what is here, I'd have to think about that.

Anyway, all in all the typos and awkward structure really detract from what could be a very good short story.
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