Hello Bonnie , you, yes you, are receiving a shower from " Invalid Item" you lucky person you. This is one of the reviews for your shower. Enjoy the hot water and fluffy warm towel. Please don't get any soap in your eyes. Well, unless you want to, in which case have at it.
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Initial Impression:
I am not sure why but I feel like I can relate to this story. However I've never chopped down a palm tree. It explanation after the title that got me to read this.
There are some amusing parts here, but there are also some typos and awkward sentences that make it somewhat difficult to follow in a couple of place. I have to read it a couple more times though, sometimes these things are clearer for me the second time around. Not that I am slow or anything. Okay, I am slow, but I've learned to live with it. Sorta.
Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.
Parts or bits I don't get:
`This is getting old, Jules said sounding exasperated
I think maybe there is a typo here, should there be a quotation mark after the old?
`Either see she gets out-or {iyou can do the grocery shopping!`
There is a long section of this story in italicized, The italics start here. I am thinking maybe there is no end italics bracket where one was supposed to go?
This kitten had landed a good home, thought Tim, Tiger has only been gone six months, woman they soon forget loved ones and get replacements quickly{i wonders if she would replace me as quick...}
This bit seems very awkward to, I am just one guy though and not real bright so it could be me. The entire thing is in italics but it is where the long italicized part ends. I am wondering if maybe the author is trying to put this characters thoughts in italics? I put thoughts in italics, of course that doesn't mean it's right.
I am wondering if woman should be plural here it kinda sounds the guy is generalizing to include all women, at least to me it does. I think there may be an extra space between gone and six.
One of the awkward things here is "...kitten had landed..." that kinda makes it sound like the kitten intentionally went looking for some poor sap that would take it home and feed it organic chicken. At least to me, because I thought there was a bit about the kitten being stranded by the freeway or something. For me an 'in' between landed and a would sound better and make a lot more sense.
The other thing about this passage is the quick replacement part. Now I am not claiming to have any keen insight to the female psyche, as the matter of fact far from it I mean if I did my wife wouldn't be exasperated with me quite so much and I would have an inkling as to why she gets exasperated in the first place. Alas, I haven't a clue. Anyway, in my limited experience with females it doesn't seem to me that they forget loved ones all that quickly and they certainly don't replace them with real loved quickly. Granted my experience is limited, only one wife for 32 tears and a daughter and a mom and a sister, wait I think I mean 33 years, and none of them seem all that quick to try and substitute one cat for another. It just doesn't sound right to me. But then again I am just one guy. Oh yeah and a daughter-in-law.
Snooks began pawing the cabinet door, he let her out,...
How come the cat paws the cabinet door to go out and not the door?
Jules was a smart woman, lavish the cat with attention, hold some back from Tim, he will eventually come round.
Now this is just me again, but, Jules doesn't really sound that smart here, she sounds mean to me. To me withholding attention or affection is just kinda bitchy I think. Additionally, this sounds pretty out of character with the animal lover and forgiving wife at the end of this. Maybe it's just me though.
Phrases or bits I liked:
He did feel a bit guilty.looking over at the kitten while Jules went to get him a beer from the kitchen `Ok, Snooks, thanks for taking the heat on this, I owe you one!' The kitten just cowered down in the bed.'
This was good, it shows the guy actually does kinda like the cat and even appreciates what the cat went through and is taking the blame for him. Well not willingly but he is still giving the cat credit
Meeting Joe, as she was leaving the grocery store was timely. She also meant to clear away the dead chickadee that morning!
I like this line, or couple of lines because of the comedic potential. There is a ton of potential here. I would suggest breaking these up a bit perhaps and maybe giving more than just a line to meeting Joe at the store. Even though this is a pretty short story a quick reminder that Joe was the guy Tim called, Or perhaps, and I think this is the way I would be tempted to do it is let her mention meeting Joe at the store, But not have her mention it until Time has given a her a very embellished fictional story of saving the bird from certain death at the fiendish claws of the cat. I'd let her really kinda sucker him in, give him plenty of rope to hang himself. Then she could casually mention seeing Joe his friend the fireman with the firetruck.
I suppose then, and this is strictly me, she could then draw the real story out of him and do something nice like tell him that it was more the challenge of growing the tree than the tree itself and actually thank him for getting the cat out of it. Of course that is just me and happy endings.
...she simply leap of before it hit the ground. although it wasn't...
A couple of typos I think, should of be off and I think although she be capitalized.
Final Discussion/Impression:
In the end this was an entertaining story, but at times the reader, well me at least, gets distracted by some of the typos and the awkward wording. And distractions will take away from the flow and impact of the story, actually they'll kill the flow and for me I think that is one of the problems here.
I feel like I have severely pummeled you about the head and shoulders and I am really hoping you are still with me here because the potential i9n this piece is tremendous. I think the bones are here for a great comedy piece that can also show the solid marital relationship the two have, at least I hope they have. Comedy and love are there they just need to be massaged a bit. The whole cat thing and him not liking the cat is a great place to show some comedy. The wife essentially forgiving him is a great example of the bond and relationship a husband and wife can have.
I would strongly encourage you to spend some time with this story making the characters more consistent, having their actions or words show there personality and their belief in each other. I think that is there just not really shown consistently, or quite enough, but maybe if they were consistent it would show with what is here, I'd have to think about that.
Anyway, all in all the typos and awkward structure really detract from what could be a very good short story.
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