Greetings, Jack. I am Hare and this is my review for your piece 'The Ancient Ones'.
As I read through your piece, I found your entire composition to be interesting in terms of how you expanded the world of Atlantis across the borders of the world. Unfortunately, interesting does not stop a number of major flaws that I note in this piece... So brace yourself, I am holding no bars here.
Firstly, I could not feel this story at all. Although a narrator was telling the story of 'Brahma and his people's fight against the Matematikans', I do not sense the 'struggle' at all. In fact, all I could read was a pathetic excuse of a robot empire which apparently lacked the 'firepower' to take over the Antarctic Archipelago by other means aside from nuclear strike. Although the story dictated that the machines were on the offensive, it does not explain enough on how Brahma and his followers protected themselves from attacks that are NOT nuclear missiles.
Secondly, by the name of the title itself and the first few paragraphs, I was expecting the Atlanteans struggle for survival against the machines. It held true in some aspects: the Matemakitans taking control a vast majority of the Atlantean empire and its colonies, the human freedom fighters setting their base of operations by freeing the Archipelago from the Matematikan control, the... 'struggle' to not get wipe out by nuclear missiles; the discoveries and experiments conducted by the Hero for a means to defeat the true enemy and so much more.
I could go on but allow me to sum up my thoughts over this: It never felt like a struggle in the first place.
A struggle is like tug-of-war between two teams. Because of the resources and firepower the Matematikans should possess (I mean they have nuclear missiles for crying out loud!), they should be doing more than simple 'warnings' to the rebels and possess better defenses against the Rebels' attacks. The Rebel team, which to me was the weaker side, must have felt pains during their struggle; maybe the loss of life defending against the invading machines to the hardships they must have endured while holding out in the Antarctic. I felt nothing of the sort that would justify the Rebel's victory over an enemy such as the Matematikans. Yet, toning the Matematikans to nothing more but a sackful of weak bullies fails to justify how machines like THAT could take over the Atlanteans in the first place.
Although you did okay on the paragraph, how you structured your sentences and the unnecessary sentences further increased the woes of your story. You written it frankly yet also in a long-winded way that I nearly gave up finishing this by the sixth paragraph. I would suggest splitting the larger paragraphs into two or three smaller paragraphs, expanding them to make a greater and clearer picture of the war between two races.
It would also be wiser if you can paraphrase some of your senses. For example, the sentence "The Matematikan machine race , which was already in control of Atlantean worldwide civilization and most of its territories and colonies, made an ultimatum to Brahma and his followers , stating that “ we are in control of your people." could be shorten or split into two sentences to make it easier and more interesting to read.
There is more I like to point out but I feel that I have already written enough for my review. I hope to see the changes of this piece and hope to see your next one.
Hello Leger, I'm called Hare and I will be reviewing your work 'The Dragon Skin Coat'.
What I like about this story is your pacing, placing each element that tells the reader (like me) of the problem, the solutions attempted and the present here. It gave me that medieval/fantasy feeling that I've always read and watched when I was a little kid. A bit cliche but nevertheless revitalizing as it reminds me of the ways of the dragon (Literally).
What I don't understand is the ending. I can emphasize with the Warrior himself; having seen how a great foe had died to him on equal terms. But, how does it relate to the story from the very start? He was kept in the background, not having a thought or say that could indicate the Hero's perception of his dangerous task.
How does the reader know how the Warrior felt about the Dragon's presence, before and during the epic duel? Did he find it as duty as the best man of destroying the monster when the best of knights have already fallen? Or did he find himself protecting his village for those who've placed their best chance against the terrifying Dragon?
Though I understand this was meant for a competition, I personally found it better that the point of view was more upon Jonathan than from a Narrator's perspective. It would give the reader a firmer understanding of the man who would become the hero that acknowledged one of his possible demises. It would, to me at least, give that feeling of a great Hero who was prepared to risk it all for the sake of his village and his wife.
That is all what I have to say for my review, I hope you have a pleasant evening and will be glad to see the changes you might implement on this piece.
Hello, I am Hare and I stumbled upon this piece through the main Writing.com page.
I find your piece to be interesting to read. The theories of how just a few advancement in our current technology can lead people to develop Mind-Controlling capacity. The manipulation of imagination, the use of images and sound to insert control over an individual's actions, and so forth.
Though this is your opinion, I find the information or outlook to be narrow and bland. While Mass-Communication media is one easy way to get individuals trapped in Mind Control, there is bound to be counter-measures prepared already by then. What of the use of Mind Control over one individual in a more discreet manner? How then?
Continuing on, what about other mediums? Humans are known to be creative in getting what they want. Thus, what other kind of mediums could people possibly used? The use of emitting energy wavelengths similar to the human brain? The discreet use of CDs or Blu-Ray disc to affect a typical home-user watching his/her favourite movie on a Saturday night? What more is there that can allow Mind-Control to come at us?
Lastly, I was debating to myself over the seriousness of your piece. A part of me says this is merely someone's loose ramble about Mind-control while the other commented it is serious but unfortunately unconvincing.
The reason why it feels so unconvincing to me is because of the choice of words, the use of emotes and the placements of words. I was turned off after going through the second paragraph and sparked off my self-debate. I do not know how serious you wanted this to be taken because of your use of emotes and spam of punctuation; it felt like someone was making a jab out of mind-control instead of considering the idea of how mind control could work.
I am sorry if I sound too harsh. I am normally this blunt. I hope that this review does help bring some light over your writing. I hope to see your reply and improvement over this piece.
I will try to make this review as simple as possible before I accidentally fumble my entry for a third time.
What I enjoy about this piece is that you're telling your own story, of your childhood and all the sweet memories that happened during your school time. It is simple yet sufficient in telling me what parts of your childhood did. It struck a happy note to see someone sharing their memories in this piece where you can simply share it with your children or grandchildren. (And I do not exaggerating over this.)
Terms and grammar-wise, I have not found a mistake though I would like to note I do not take the mechanics of writing to such a meticulous degree - at least not yet. The simplicity maybe bland but the flow of the story allowed it to be heartwarming.
However, as a personal taste, I found myself not liking the simplicity. I cannot point out why but then again, it is my own taste as a reviewer. As a reader, this is pleasant and heartwarming enough where I would like to know more of what went on if possible. Maybe elaborate more on the existing parts or make more where it would make me happy
This is my review for this piece. I hope you find it useful and... if possible, elaborate on your objectivity.
I am merely new here so you may simply shrug off my review as nigh if you feel too insulting for your tastes.
Regarding your first chapter, while it held my interest of reading such a story, hoping to see its end, I was much expecting the result after the first five or so paragraphs.
When I read it through, I find it troublesome when the scenes change one from another. While this indicates the main character being a ghost to me, it was troublesome to follow the setting after the first 10 paragraphs. True, I could be making random numbers here but what does matter is the fact you give such speed through your change in scenes, you nearly made me lost had I not paid more greater attention to your story.
Yet, your main character seemed to be an ordinary man, trapped in a state that he did not know off till too late. He had tried technology, seeking assistance, doing things where a normal man would do to search for his kin.
However, I must stress the rapid change of scenes which you used for this chapter for I found it hard to believe the character didn't even try to discern, or figure out, why he was in a variety of places in such a short amount of time. Could you have given him some mild confusion along with his frustrations over the lack of assistance? It would have made him a bit more human though, this is my personal opinion which you may freely ignore.
Regardless, I find this first chapter to be quite an interesting read with expected results and some typos I have spotted. I do hope to see what you come up in your upcoming chapters. With that, I wish you the best of all things.
From,
Harrion.
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