Review of Unbound Words: by Ben Crawford
Chapter 1 (4,474 words)
Hi Ben,
I am Hanna and I'm doing this in-depth review per your request.
I will give my honest opinion on your work, and please don't be offended by what I have to say. It's not meant to hurt your feelings, but help you improve your work.
General notes
This is chapter 1 of a Fantasy novel. It consists of 4,774 words. In such a long first chapter, one expects to be given some details of where the story takes place (a fantasy world), what kind of inhabitants in that world, how society is organized, etc. All these details are important in a Fantasy work. Very little was given here.
The main character is a self-centered man who pays attention to trivial details like what people wear and what kind of tiling is used for stairs. He tends to be childish and his journey to where he was about to start a new life is boring.
There is lack of basic grammar in the chapter. The tenses were all mixed up and elemental punctuation was not used. Syntax is bad. Long sentences which lead nowhere, no capitals when needed, repetitions, use of slang language where it is obviously not needed, dealing with trivia instead of sticking to what is important and moves the story forward.
Notice please how many words and sentences were crossed out by me. I think it will make half of the chapter.
The story you were trying to tell in such a long chapter is actually simple and short. A man is travelling from one place to another in order to join the Magic system of Schools. A bit of hardships on the way and then a meeting with the School Masters and joining them after a vote.
I think Ben that you need to do a few things before you post a story/chapter for members to comment on.
I can see the wheels turning in your head and I know that you wrote of images you'd envisioned vividly in your mind. But what you have written doesn't reflect the wonders of your imagination. You need to work hard on it in order to bring it to life and make me, as the reader, see what you had seen
When you start a new chapter, write headlines to specify what you want in that chapter. Then, after it's done, use a grammar check to be sure that the language is ok. Then, read it again and trim all the unnecessary adverbs and adjectives. Check for consistency and repetitions. Don't forget that the first paragraph must be a "HOOK", to draw in the reader.
After all this, if you're happy with it - post it in your port.
I must be frank with you - no one will edit a story the way I have done here. I had to change/cut/fix almost every sentence. You can't be a writer and depend on an editor to fix your writing. I would suggest browsing the net and reading whatever you can about writing. I can refer you to some interesting articles. Even here, on WDC you can find a lot of guidance.
I must say I liked the basic idea of your story. A lot of potential there. The characters are versatile and interesting; just tell about them and not about what they wear!
Here is the edit of your chapter, comments written in the body of the story. The best way to revise your copy is as follows:
Make a copy of your saved chapter on your computer. If you can - use 2 screens - one for your version and one for mine. Then - sentence by sentence - make any adjustment you think suits you.
I would like to read this chapter again when you've fixed all the problems. Just give me a tinkle.
Again, please accept my comments in the spirit they were given. I think that with some help, this can be a good start for a novel.
Hanna
Unbound Words by Ben Crawford
Word count: 4,774
Chapter 1: Kenton The New Master
"Damn it to hell!" Yelled Kenton as the carriage lurched and his pen murdered yet another page. He crumpled the letter into a ball and tossed it on the floor with the others. "How am I going to get any work done if the carriage hits every single hole in the road?" he said Thought to himself.
He grabbed another piece of paper from his dwindling supply and placed it on his hardback. A pile of finished letters lay to Kenton's side and for every letter, at least three were crumpled up on the floor of the carriage floor.
This The letter needed to be finished; it is was too important to wait. He knew that once he arrived in Sayrune he would be too busy to write it. The other letters felt like warm-ups compared to this one and the world seemed to be conspiring to keep him from writing it.
Use Italic for the letterDear Quin,
I know my departure was very short and i did not have the (Change to:a) chance to give you the full account of where I am going and why. You are the only family I have left and I never want to shut you out of my life. (c:red}Try: would never shut you out of my life Big (Replace with: great) things are happening for me add comma sis and I am very excited about these new opportunities. I have worked hard to keep the school going after Kengy passed away Add comma and having the Sayrune school finally recognize acknowledge Kinetomancy is all he ever wanted.
I got the letter from the Magi council(Capitalize) two days before I had to leave. Can you believe they chose your brother to be the Master of our very own headship school?
In two days I had to pack, arrange for a boat off the island and a carriage that could woul) take me all the way to Sayrune. Three weeks in a little wooden box is not what I would call a... This sentence is redundant. It adds nothing to the story.
The carriage lurched again and Kenton's pen skidded across the page leaving a long line. "This is absolutely impossible." A simple word like PEN in a fantasy story raises a question. Since we don't know when your story takes place, and since most writers tend to place their stories in past eras - I ask myself what kind of pen was used in the carriage to write the letters? Surely not a feather dipped in ink? A pencil perhaps? Give this some thought.)
Kenton waded through the small sea of wadded Two words with different meanings which are pronounced the same. When reading it sounds like repetition and burdens the sentence paper and opened a shudder(Spelling. Should be 'shutter'). He saw the carriage driver and bodyguard sitting on the buckboard. He knew this (Change to: the) trip had been even rougher on these men (replace with: them) then (Spelling: than) it was on him, (Replace comma with stop) but all these (those) bumps are making (Replace with: made) it hard to work.
"Do you think you can try and avoid the potholes (Try a simpler sentence: Can you avoid the potholes,?), please? I am trying to write back here."
"Sorry sir, I will try," replied the driver.
"I know it's not your fault, but I am running out of paper" replied (Repetition. Use: said) Kenton.
Kenton almost turned around Not clear. Turned around from the open shutter? Decided to go back?, but just before he did the carriage came around a corner and the roads changed from cobble stone to a smooth seamless stone road. This meant they must be Add: have been on final approach to the capital city of Sayrune.
The streets of the capital city Add: in the are were quite amazing,Chang comma with semicolon the seamless stone running through each street spoke of the city's power and wealth. These those seamless and unnaturally perfect roads also whisper a different story, but only to those who truly listened, it tells you that this city is ripe with magic. Chang this sentence into the past tense
It took a few minutes for the carriage to clear a group of trees and when it did the gates of the city loomed in the distance. They gates are something to behold, they look to be made of dark seamless wood. There are no bolts, rivets or metal bands to be seen. The gates are attached to the wall using very large hinges that disappear into the wood with no visible sign of their existence. Such a door would be unbreachable by any means; this too spoke of the powerful magic within the city. Change to past tense
"How long do we have before we reach the Archium?" asked Kenton. Was he talking again to the driver? Since he was sitting alone in the carriage, you must specify
"I would say it should take us at least fifteen minutes to reach the gates and depending on how crowded it is , we should be there in an hour," said the driver.
"Why so long?"
"It's a crowded city, sir."
Kenton looked down at his wrist and consulted a shiny golden device comprised of smaller and smaller rings each with symbols and numbers on them. He frowned and thought "I should have arrived yesterday." When mentioning thoughts of a character, don't write it under inverted commas, like in direct conversation. Either us the Italic font for these thoughts or write it with a comma at the end and the words HE THOUGHT. Here, since you wrote the words HE THOUGHT at the beginning, just add the word THAT. As to what he thought: What difference would it have made if he had arrived a day earlier? Nothing was said about that day being especially busy. If you make a statement - you must base it on something valid.
"My first council meeting begins in a little over an hour. I don't have time to drop off my belongings Drop off where? right now so take me right to the Archium,Replace comma with stop I will get dressed back here" said Kenton as he closed the shutter.
Looking around at the mess, Kenton frowned again.Try to find another word to show his concern He quickly picked up all the wasted paper and put them in one of his trunks. Keeping the windows covered, Kenton pulled a little lever and a few holes in the roof opened up letting light in. His clothes felt soaked in sweat and they smelt like it too. He never traveled in his best clothing knowing that they would not come out on the other end in any kind of wearable condition. The sentence about his clothing sounds like something one would find in children's book. The explanation is irrelevant and does nothing for the story.
The size of this afforded him the ability to change his clothing and wash up. Try: The carriage was large enough to enable quick refreshing and change of clothes He stretched and made a few fluid movements, a small and graceful display of his art. The movements helped to free up his tight muscles. He opened a large trunk that sat on one of the seats. He pulled out his best clothes and a large stoppered bottle of water. He disrobed and placed his sweat soaked clothing in a different case from his clean ones.
He placed the bottle on the floor of the carriage, he then traced his arms through the air gracefully and as he did, they gained a blue glow that stood out in contrast with his nut-colored skin. After a few more movements he raised his hand and the stopper popped out of the bottle. The water started to glow and it rose from the bottle and covered his body, first his legs, then chest, then arms and finally as he took a deep breath his head and waist-length brown hair.
The water swirled around Kenton's body following the motion of his hands and reinforced by his iron hard will. This is his art, Kinetomancy the conversion of kinetic motion into magical energy. When he could no longer hold his breath, he lowered his hands and the water returned to the bottle. Grabbing the stopper he corked the bottle of filthy water. He let go of the remaining energy collected by the motion of his arms, it rose off him like mist rising from a lake.
Please go through these paragraphs and cut them in half. The entire process of "washing" can be described in shorter sentences. You have burdened the reader with flat words to describe an event which is most interesting and unique. Skip the exercises. Pay attention to punctuation.
He returned the bottle of sullied water to his trunk, then started to get dressed. The clothing he brought were in the Laraelian style, natural colors and patterns made of thin breezy fabric. He picked out a deep blue shirt, pants in an earthy brown color and an overcoat of deep black. He tied his hair in a simple ponytail using a gold clip that was rounded and had an ornate pattern engraved on it. He put on his best shoes. They looked well-polished and looked as black as his coat. How important is it to describe every detail in his attire? Won't it be enough to say he wore such and such colored clothes?
After he put everything away, he moved the curtains aside to see where they were. He saw houses, upscale inns and a few high class shops, Replace comma with period they must have entered the upper quarters of the city. As he was admiring the buildings ,a runner boy darted out of a side street and ran up to the side of the carriage.
"Are you Master Kenton Gladstone?" asked the boy huffing a little.
"Yes, how can I help you?" asked Kenton. If the conversation is one on one - no need to say who was saying it
"I have a letter for you, sirCapitalize."
"How did you find me?"
"I was just told to come to this street and deliver a letter to you"
"Come up onto the running board, what do I owe you for the delivery?"
"I was told a soft quarter bit, but I would not say no to a hard quarter bit" said the young boy.
"I am new to the area, what exactly is a bit?"
"Beg your pardon, sir, a bit is a Copper Penny and a soft quarter bit is 2 iron pennies and 5 shims while a hard quarter bit is 2 iron pennies and 6 shims"
"If you tell me who sent the letter and I will give you a full bit"
"I wish I could tell you, sir, but I was just given the letter by my boss BOSS is a modern word. Try: chieftain or Lord and told where to deliver it to,replace comma with period can I still have the full bit?" asked the boy hopefully.
"Sure, let me get my money pouchadd period" Kenton said, Add: Heduckeding back into the carriage.
He rooted around in his trunks until he pulled out a small pouch and then sorted out coins until he found a round copper one. Why use such long sentences when all you want to say is that he needed some money from his purse? Normally, people keep some coins on them just in case… So, why not say he reached for his pocket and produced some coins.
"Here is your bit,Replace comma with period is this term something everyone uses?"what the coin is called around here?
"In the marketplace mostly, but us Replace with WE runner boys use it too," said the boy.
"Thank you very much," said Kenton as he took taking the letter. The young boy got down and ran off.
Kenton sat down in the carriage We know he is still in the carriage… and looked over Try: Examined the letter. It was written on heavy parchment and had a wax seal of a stack of books surrounded by six stars.
"This must be the new seal of the Magi council, the old seal had five stars for the five headship schools but now my school makes six" Thought Kenton.
He looked the letter over carefully and examined it from every angle, making sure He already examined it. Try: He made sure that it held no danger in any way. He reached out with his supernatural senses and could feel a magical lacing over the wax seal. It seemed like an alarm of some kind that would alert someone when the wax seal is broken. Try: It would alert the sender when the seal was opened Kenton Kenton is the narrator. He must refer to himself in third person: Try: He himself used the same lacing himself when sending important letters. He broke the seal and the magic went out to find its master.
Add: He read:
Dear Master Gladstone,
I am writing to you this letter to prepare you for the environment you are about to walk into. I hope you realize how rare it is that we recognize new headship school branches. Perhaps capitalize The last new school established was Literamancy and that decision has had turned out to be a major headache Replace with:problem for the masters.
If you are wise you will Try: It would be wise not trust a word I say because I am yet unknown to you. Try: you do not know me If you continue to read this letter then you are either more trusting than I expected or more curious. This sentence is redundant
You may think you know the people you are about to meet with but I bet you have no idea of what they are truly like. This is a novel. You can't use here, in this fantasy story, fragments of talk from our 21st century. It's out of place. Use better language and make the dialogues sound authentic to the period, whatever it is. Replace I BET YOU with: I'm sure
I am aware that you personally know Halbert Swale the Physicamancy mMaster. I would watch my step around him if I was you because he is not quite the man you used to know. As you are aware for the longest time Kinetomancy was considered a part of Physicamancy. When the council reviewed all the applications for new schools they realized that motion and force are not quite the same and the applications of the two types of magic awere different enough to separate them two into different schools. As you can imagine he is worried he will be robbed of students. Just try to stay on his good side until he calms down a bit.
Blyth Gartside the Luxamancy master is a very kind and generous man. If you don't do anything extremely and immeasurably stupid, you will find a friend in him. I find him to be fairly neutral and a keeper of the peace.
Mandassa Lisadar the Audiomancy master is someone to watch your step around. She is very manipulative and she will use her skills at seduction and social warfare to get her way. She uses her feminine gifts to put men off balance and bend them to her benefit. No need for these details. You've already said she's using her skills to seduce men to get her way
Eleanor Atterton the Vitalamancy master has a mind like a steel trap and if you are not careful you might get caught in it. She believes in logical answers and if you approach her using logic , you will find your words get through much easier.
Last is the king high bastard of the lot, Torin Tarsus the Literamancy master. He is the only master that does not teach because he refuses to accept any students. A teacher without students is like a lake without water. He hads been resting safe inside a loophole of our laws for years. He cannot be replaced because there is no one to replace him and his school cannot be renounced because that requires a unanimous vote. If you have ever seen the man you would realize there is something very unnatural about him. He has a young face, but stark white hair. No one knows how old he really is but many say he is well over 70 at the least.
I amtelling you these things all this to prepare you for the world you are Add:about to entering. I know that each and every mMaster has done their research so it is only fair you knew something about them.
Step carefully, learn quickly and be heard.
Add: The letter was not signed.
Kenton read the letter a second time {to Add:so he could commit it to memory. He was nervous before, but now at that moment he was in an outright panic. The letter must have come from someone either on the mMagic Council or someone well connected in Sayrune.
He thought he could cope, he thought and that they picked him for a good reason, but once again, that little voice of self doubt crept in and he felt like a little kid boy playing at being a grown up. Was he really the best choice for this Add: mission?
He tried to tuck ignore these those feelings away, he is was there and that was somethingthe main thing. If he did not deserve his position right now he would work harder than anyone to make sure he kept it. He had to work harder to deserve his post He may might have been be some slightly a sheltered island dweller, but he had something to prove. His master did not devote his life to getting Kentmancy recognized for Kinton to piss Find another word/s instead all over it because he was scared of failure.
He tucked the letter safely away in his trunk and then double checked all his belongings to make sure they are in order and safely secured. This is something a frightened and insecure person would do… He saw the pile of ruined letters and knew it might be a while before he could finish the job task.
The carriage gradually came to a stop. and Kenton could feel it sway slightly as someone dismounted. This is an example of a sentence that adds nothing to the story and is redundant. Who could have gotten off the carriage but the driver? The door opened and he saw the driver staring back at him.
"We are here What do you mean by HERE? Try: We have arrived, Sir, sir."
"Thank you, " said Kenton as he exited the carriage.
The building before them looked vast and more than a little intimidating. The walls of the building curved away from Kenton suggesting that the whole building was in fact round. The courtyard entrance was gorgeous, the flower beds held the most wonderful array of colors and senses. Some of the blooms had a brilliant mix of orange and red making the flower look like flame when the wind caught it. Other flowers had a frosted blue color that looked so much like ice that you would expect them to be cold to the touch. The flower beds stretched off into the distance and he could faintly see other types of flowers but they were too far away to make out clearly. I've counted at the beginning of this paragraph, 3 repetitions of the word BUILDING. The first sentence should say that he looked around and saw this and that. Pay attention to punctuation.
Statues stood exhibiting many of the magical styles of the sSchool or noting historical figures. The front entrance was a covered staircase made of white seamless and unblemished stone. Standing at the top of the stairs was a man with black skin, Structure of sentence. Try: a dark skinned man stood at the top of the stairs. it was not tan or merely dark it was pitch black. Again, structure. Try: The man had the darkest skin he had ever seen. Kenton had never seen anyone like him before, his eyes seemed to almost glow in comparison to his jet black visage. Standing next to the man was a young boy whose skin was a few shades lighter but still very dark.
As Kenton exited the carriage He had exited the carriage earlier… and did a few stretches, It's the second time you mention that he does stretches and exercises. Why? It sounds peculiar. the man and the boy descended the steps towards him. {c"red}Simpler to say:The man and the boy approached him The man's long blue coat fluttered in the wind and revealed a Gray shirt and gray pants underneath.How important is it to describe every garment he's wearing?
"Greetings to you, you must be the awaited Master Gladstone," the man said as a statement rather than a question. The reader understands that this is a statement and not a question, so why say it? It's redundant.
"I am indeed,Replace comma with period May I ask your name,This is a question. Put a question mark instead of comma" said Kenton as he held out his hand.
"I am Blyth Gartside the master of the Luxamancy School," said the man taking Kenton's hand firmly.
"This might sound rude, but are you Orthy?" asked Kenton.
"I am indeed, one of the few pure blooded Orthy left," he said with a smile.
"It is a double honor to meet you sSir"
"Have you settled in yet?"
"I only just arrived in the city, period I had planned to arrive yesterdayTry: I meant to arrive yesterday but the weather chose to disagree with us"
"Do you have an attendant traveling with you?"
"No, it's just me"
"Well then, where have you taken up residence?"
"I arranged for rooms at the Red Crown" I would choose a more original name for the Inn
"My son will accompany the driver and make sure your belongings are well looked after," said Blyth looking down at the young boy.
"That would be most welcomecomma" replied Kention.
The young boy climbed up onto the carriage followed by the driver, Replace comma with periodas they pulled awayadd comma Kenton turned back to Blyth.
"He looks like a nice young lad"
"He is indeed,period he takes after his mother too, and that is good" he replied.
"I am glad that I did not miss my first council meeting" said Kenton.
"Yes, but it was a near thing miss,period I just arrived myself for the meeting; shall we walk together?" go?
}ס{"Lead the way"}/x} It seems that this is an official meeting. There's no need to add a lightheaded atmosphere to it: "Shall we walk together?" or "Lead the way". It is redundant and ruins the story.
Blyth walked up the covered stairs of the Archium and Kenton followed closely behind.We know they are together and naturally they are walking together. Why all these words? Just say they walked up the stairs. The inside interior of the school was just as wonderful magnificent as the courtyard. Paintings and sculptures of all kinds lined the walls. They entered the main foyer and turned right. It is not important if they turned right or left and unless there is something important in the fact that they had entered the foyer - you can cross it out As they walked Kenton saw the walls continued to curve again reinforcing the impression that the building was round.
"If we had more time I would give you a full tour, but there is no time to lose" said Blyth.
"I totally understand, there will be plenty of time for that later" Kenton replied.
They turned away from the hallway and headed down a different path. These hallways looked straight and held less ornamentation. Blyth was rather silent as they walked, but he answered any question Kenton posed quickly c:grape:Try: all of Kenton's questions. They took another turn and headed down a long spiral staircase, at the bottom was a large set of doors.
Kenton could feel some an intense magical pressure coming from the doors. This it was a powerful magical lacing, ; he had never encountered wards like these.
"Go ahead and enter, the door has been made to know you already so you don't need to worry about the wards" said Blythe with a smile almost reading Kenton's mind.
Kenton reached for the door, he could feel the door it, reach ing out , and recognize him before swinging open.
"That door is quite special, It can be taught to recognize some any one by their magical impression, around here we call it a person's Clout" said explained Blythe.
"We call it the same thing up north, it is also a measure of someone's power," replied Kenton with a bit of a worried look.
"So it is, but you would not be a master if we doubted your skill, " he replied with a smile.
Kenton entered a circular room, Replace comma with period he could see bookshelves lining the rounded walls. He could see Repetition multiple clean- burning lamps, lighting the room, but he could not smell even the faintest scent of oil. In the middle of the large room, he saw a round ring table with room in the center for people to stand. On the floor inside the ring was the same emblem that was on the letter Kenton received. The stone work was amazing and it must have been put in very recently to have the six stars.
At the far side of the roomhe saw, a man and a woman were talking. The woman looked to be in her fifties, she had light brown short hair and her eyes are a bright auburn.Present tense used. Should be past tense. Why complicate a simple sentence? And the colour auburn is used for hair and not for eyes. Try: bright ????? eyes She was slender and wore a classy red dress that had a high neck and it flowed long to the floor. Kenton thought her clothing looked to be in the Shenala style, very modest but with a little dramatic flair. Think again how much space you want to give the detailed info about clothing
Standing next to her stood} was a man Kenton knew very well. Halbert Swale was short with tanned skin and a shaved head. His body was all hard muscle and he wore tight clothing to accentuate his musculature. Kenton needed to watch his step around him until he could get on his good side providing he had one.
Both the woman and Halbert noticed Kenton at the same time and their conversation was abandoned stopped at once. Kenton approached them and did his best to look confident and sure of himself.
"It's nice for of you to join us, Kenton,replace comma with period I had no idea you havearrived yet already," said Halbert.
"Bad weather delayed us by a day and I arrived here just as Blyth was the same time as Blyth."
"Well, we are pleased to have you with us, " said the womancomma offering her hand.
"The pleasure is all mine lLady Atterton" replied Kenton as he took her hand.
"Have we met before?" asked Eleanor. You must introduce the name properly and not just throw it into the story
"No, I have not had the honorperiod until now, but I know there are two women on the council and based on your appearance I made an educated guess that you are not lady Lisadar"
"Not a hard deduction conclusion" said Halbert.
"It is also nice to see you again Halbert replied Kenton.
"It has been a while, replace comma with period how's your sister, "What ever happened to question marks at the end of a question?" he replied.
"Same as always, breaking the hearts of half the men and breaking the arms of the other half" Kenton replied with a smile.
"I am sorry I was not able to make it to Kengy's memorial" said Halbert breaking eye contact.
"I understand, the life of a master is not an easy one as I am sure to learn first hand"
"Old Kengy would have been proud of you, he was a good man and he picked the right man to follow in his footsteps" replied Halbert.
The door opened up and Kenton turned around to see a woman standing there wearing a scandalous blue dress that left very little to the imagination. This woman is either a very nice and extremely inappropriate welcome gift or she is Lady Mandassa Lisadar.
"Oh Kenton you are here!" She squealed like a young girl.
"Lady Lisadar?" Kenton said slightly off balance.
"Oh, you remembered me," she said and runningran toward him with with stretchedarms open for an embrace.
Kenton held up a hand,replace comma with period he tried to remained calm looked firm and unmoving as he stared into her eyes.
"I am sorry, Master Lisadar but we have not yet met and it is not quite appropriate for me to embrace you in the manner you are attempting" he said with a firm but polite tone. This is not a nice sentence. It is offending and somewhat childish. Instead, I would make Kenton take a step back which will serve as a "hint" to the lady that her embrace was not welcome.
"Oh, I like him this one, he knows how to play the game, " she said smiling.with a smirk.
"Did you really have to wear a dress like that to for his first meeting?" Asked saidHalbert.
"Why not,? I like putting my best foot forward, "she replied, placing her right foot forward accentuating the slit in the dress that went all the way up her side to her waist.
"He is just a boy, don't tempt him,period " he replied.
"I am not exactly a boy, I am thirty years old" Too defensive. Give him a bit of a backbone… Try: A thirty years old boy?Kenton said a little defensively.
"Son, to some people you are still a pup" said Eleanor with a little bit of a smile. smirk
"Well, now that we got that out of the way I think we can get started" said Halbert.
"What about Master Tarsis? Is he not joining us?" asked Kenton.
He saw a mix of exasperation and amusement on the faces of the masters,replace comma with period soAdd comma not everyone hated him.
"Torin does not attend every meeting, he only shows up to meetings where when we decide very important issues are discussed,period this meeting will be very light The agenda this time is of marginal issues." said Eleanor.
"His appearances at this table are few and far between, the lazy bastard" replied chuckled Halbert.
"Quite right, but I could not miss the first meeting with our new friend,period" said a voice coming came from the far side of the room.
Leaning back in a chair with his feet up on the table, Why would Kenton put his feet on the table? He's not that much at ease with these people, nor does he want to show disrespect Kenton saw a young man with brilliant white hair, glasses and a grin on his face so wide it looked almost indecent. His amber eyes looked clear and bright. He dressed in black robes that looked more formal than the situation required. The most worrying part iswas that Kenton could not feel even a hint of Clout from the man. All the masters had it, but thisthat man is was either no mage at all or something else entirely. Instead of going into a detailed account of what the man was wearing, give us some character observations like what impression he leaves on the onlooker, kind or mean eyes, hand gestures, the way he carries himself, smiling or serious - that kind of things.
"When did you come in"? asked Kenton amazed.
"Somewhere between the whore throwing herself at Kenton and master fist insulting me," he said, pulling an apple out of his robes.
"Master Tarsiscomma if you are finished, we would like to begin" said Blythe.
"By all means Blythe" he said with a tone that showed a hint of respect.
Everyone started to take took their seats. Kenton stood for a little while until only one open chair remained and he took it. Earlier you said Kenton was sitting with his feet on a table, so how come he's now standing, looking for a vacant seat?The door to the hall opened and a young man came in with paper and ink,; he stood behind a small table off to the side. He must have been be the scribe who wrote the official record of all meetings.
"This meeting will be short Period, and sweetthe first order of business is that we must officially induct Master Gladstone as the first Kinetomancy Master, " said Blythe and at these words Torin stood comma and clapped wildly then sat back down.
"All in favor of this appointment?" said Blythe with a note of amusement in his voice.
Five hands went up, but Torin's hand went up first and stayed up the longest.
"Then let it be recorded this day that Kenton Gladstone is hereby given all the rights and privileges of a mMaster of the magi council, " said Blythe as the sound of quill on paper came from the young scribe.
"Our last order of business is that we need to assign someone for first class duty" Blythe said with a smile as his eyes flicked for a second towards Torin.
"First class duty?" asked Kenton.
"Oh, right, you would not know,Replace comma with period in the Sayrune school the first lesson in the introduction to magic class is traditionally taught by a master" Blythe replied to Kenton.
"We normally vote on who is assigned tothis job task." again, his eyes flicked to at Torin.
"I move that we assign this job to Torin" said Mandassa.
"I second that, " said Halbert.
"Then let us voteperiod" as he said this, all hands, but Torin's and Kenton's went up.
"Kid you do know that you can vote now, right?" said Torin.
"I don't know enough about the issue and even if I voted against it the motion would pass regardless" he replied.
"Reason speaks in the places we may not expect" replied said Torin with a smile.
"Well, it looks like it's Four against twoperiod the motion passes, please record this in the official records We know there's a man present who records all meetings, so why the need for Blythe to say this?" Blythe said with a smile.
"Bloody brilliant, that's why I don't come to these blasted things" replied Replied to what question? Torin.
"We are dismissed Try: Meeting adjourned" said Blythe standing up to leave.
Kenton stood up and walked over to Blythe before he could leave the room.
"I feel like I am missing some kind of private joke" said Kenton.
"In a way you are, Torin has no students and he does very little compared to the other masters so when a job comes up that is tedious it tends to be assigned to him" he replied with a smirk.
"So he does nothing at all?" Replied Kenton in a low voice.
"Well, he does act as the head archivist for the school library and surprisingly he is rather good at that, but other than his work there we are not sure what he spends his time doing"
The masters filed out of the hall and surprisingly Torin stopped Kenton before he left the room.
"I hope you are enjoying your first time in Sayrune Kenton" he said with a genuine smile.
"Well I quite literally went from the carriage to this meeting so I am still trying to get my feet up under me"
"Well, don't listen to these people when they tell you how bad I am because I assure you that I am a whole lot worse, " he said with that devilish smile of his then he walked out.
|
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
