OK, TG, you asked for constructive criticism. For some poets, free verse is the hardest form because it is more like natural speech and less like structured poetry, in that it lacks formal rhyme, meter or many times even punctuation or other structural forms of lines.
Wherein lies the beauty of free verse is in the lack of structure - the words themselves are the structure, the visual connections, the feeling it leaves in the reader, the overall descriptions using the fewest of words. I could make this sentence structure into a free verse.
Wherein lies the beauty
of free verse
is in the lack of structure -
the words themselves are the structure
the visual
the feeling it leaves in the reader
the overall descriptions..
What I try to do when I write free verse is write one word lines, then start to combine them where they make the most sense to me. This is my method, not something I read about, it is how I've come into my style, use it if you want, I'm just trying to help you find the structure - which is in the strength in meaning of each and every word. Cut the clutter. Get to the feelings, and try to remove so much rhyme because the structure is not in the rhyme but in the punch in each word - as if the words could stand on their own with their own meanings in a line. Remember that you can write something that means one thing to you and your reader will have a completely different perception, and that is a really big deal in free verse because out of all writing, imo, misconception is most likely to occur while reading free verse poetry, lol.
You could rearrange it so that the rhyme is still there but placed unpredictably throughout.
"These monsters I see, they whisper
to me - whisper sweet nothings
and gossamer spun fantasies.
My demons don't faze me, for my angels
have betrayed me."
But that is the thing about free verse is that it is many times not predictable. I like reading Gary Snyder to help get my mind working in free verse. His stuff is kinda out there for me, but it does the trick. Pick up some Edgar Allen Poe or Sylvia Plath maybe unless those are some you already read. They are likely closer to what you are looking for than Snyder. I don't know.
Hope I've helped and have fun learning about free verse.
GypsySpirit
I like the feel of the voice for this poem, the depth, and the rhythm. It reminds me of someone going for a morning run and what thoughts might come to them at the time - in that moment. What pulls me out of the moment in this poem is the use of the word geode. I think perhaps crystallized or some other form of the word meaning you are looking for would work better. The simplicity of the use of language throughout the rest of the poem doesn't quite fit right, for me, with the complex word geode. Other than that, I'd like a copy for my wall to look at. Hope to see more of your writing.
I love this poem. Brief and lovely, to the point, very visual. I love the lack of punctuation which adds to the feeling of a memory. The rhymes work for it too. I'll look for more of your work. :)
I love the idea of this poem, the rhythm works for it. Be sure to spell check, and also grammar placement throughout is confusing. Just an idea but this poem may actually work well without punctuation.
I don't think the seventh line needs "You see" in the beginning, I think it continues the strength of the sixth line, "You see everything your soul needs to survive: your happiness, your pain, your future, peace."
Also, the third line to the last that begins, "And you think to yourself" pulls me out of the poem because the text in quotes is in third person too, when the line is referring to oneself, which seems third person omniscient. It may work better for you to take out the quotes, because that is how it's written. Try it and see what you think. Otherwise, I love the feeling in the poem.
I love LOVE this poem. I think the best is the repeat of the third stanza as the final stanza because it brings closure. The rhyming is simple, yet effective and full of feeling. The words reflect the transparency and emptiness, the essence of being untouchable. The rhythm helps the poem progress, ever so slowly, toward hope.
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