First of all, I love how you tackled a writer's duty. I could relate to that, no doubt.
I also enjoy the flow, a.k.a the rhythm, of the verses.
However, I find that the poem doesn't end in a big enough way for the topic. It's about what she doesn't know... I was expecting a grand act of duty or something similar, but I feel a bit let down?
Perhaps some rephrasing? I do feel it's incomplete, as though a paragraph at the end is missing. But maybe that's just me? I would suggest a more punchy ending for a satisfactory effect on the reader. :)
Otherwise, it's a very good poem! I rather like how you go from dreams to the genuine work on every stanza and line and edification and entertainment.
:) I hope my review helps! Of course, please take what suits you. You're the writer, after all. ;)
I really enjoyed this lovely poem! It speaks so much of happiness, childhood and summer. What's not to love?
The rhythm of this poem is the second best thing. I love the short end lines to each stanza. Captivating.
What's the first? Well, the image it made me see in my mind's eye and the good feeling I had as I imagined the little boy, his sand castle and the waves.
There's only one tiny thing that bugged me (ever so slightly, mind you): "An ocean,
vast.
The wind whipping wetly stings."
Wetly... I feel like it should be "whipping wet stings" because it's the strings that are wet, right? And not the whipping which is wetly, hm? This part is confusing because I don't know if it's either or the other. Maybe just rephrase or change the word to make it clearer. Then your poem would be perfect.
Anyhow, "Ocean Boy" is amazing. Vivid mental images and a beautiful, enchanting rhythm. I give it 5 stars, nonetheless.
Congrats!
Keep up the good writing. I can rarely write upbeat poems like this (mine come out dark, always), so I'll definitely fave you for more!
What a good theme too! Shores, water, and choices. :)
Overall, it was a sweet and entertaining read. But I've found two major points that need more work, in my opinion. Please, remember this is an advice, not an order. This poem is your property and the result of your choices. In the end, you take what you want, okay? :)
In this verse: ''
They never change, always solid;
the rocks hold fast
and sand unabiding.''
The transition from an active verb ''hold fast'' to an adjective with ''unabiding'' makes it feel like there's a hole somewhere, as though a step is missing. I had the impression of tripping on the shore (haha :)) and had to read the line again. Perhaps use another verb instead of the adjective OR two adjectives in both cases?
The next point is in this verse: ''
Them BAM! pounds one wave,
strong as the rest,
but doing what none before it have done before.''
I think you have a typo there for it's ''Then'' and not ''Them''. No worries, it happens! But my concern is with the last line. It's way longer than all the other lines in the poem, which kind of breaks the soft rhythm of it. :( Also, you use the word ''before'' twice in four words! One of them must go. Otherwise it looks unpolished and it's just annoying to the reader. ''but doing what none ever could before'' would be a beautiful and more concise way to put it, in my opinion. You don't have to use my words! It's just an example. :) But if you want to, just tell me and I'll say yes for sure! :D
So, that's it.
Great job! I really enjoyed ''On the Shore''. It made me travel and experience the strong waves. :)
Keep up the good writing! And remember to experiment over and over again with poetry!
I had so much fun reading this my heart beat faster and I was grinning the whole time. *claps vehemently*
There's only one thing (in my opinion) that prevents this gorgeous poem to be the best it can be: the sudden cut in rhythm found on the third to last verse.
Here's an excerpt of your poem right before that certain verse (read it carefully):
She must be quiet shy for she's never seen,
But she's what paints the grass such a rich shade of green,
I've heard people say that there's dew in her veins,
That whenever she's hurting or lonely, it rains,
Do you see the comma right before ''it rains''? I think that's what's stopping the magic. At least, it made me realize I was reading something... And that's probably not you want. I think it's because the comma is a sure-sign of pauses, hence why while reading we pause, even if just for a second. It's already too long because then it doesn't fit with the rest of the verses. They all go freely, with no pauses or anything of the sort. I suggest it should go or be formulated anew.
Remember, that's my point of view and these are only suggestions. It's YOUR poem, so you can take what you want. But I truly reckon it would be marvelous without that pause... Because let's admit it, I was so into it I saw it like a movie reel in my head.
First of all, I want to congratulate you on your first poem. :) Poetry is a delight!
Now, for the critique:
I really liked the alternating paragraphs about their own point of view with their pen. It was intriguing and really let us get the big picture.
Also, I get that you meant to focus on the pen; however, there are too many repetitions (even though I know it was a style choice). I would suggest you to keep it for crucial moments and the beginning and ending (so we know what you're talking about). For example, "I grabbed the pen.
I do not own the pen." would stay while the other occurrences of the pen would disappear right until "My power is the pen." Do you see how much more impact it has? It's as though it is seamless in the text then BAM! here's the pen again. :)
Moreover, the story in there is quite interesting. It is true we can both harm and delight with the pen. Plus, the fact that one has lost their pen can be interpreted as having lost their inspiration and such.
For a first poem, it was good. :) There are improvements to be made, of course, but it's a nice first try.
So I'm going to rate it 3 stars.
Don't shy away from poetry! Trust me, cling to it and it'll bring you wonders just like it does me. We get better at it with time, so persevere.
Remember: my words are only suggestions to you. If you don't want to use them, it's okay. It's YOUR poem.
Good-bye for now and best of luck with this new endeavour!
I've been wanting to read your piece for quite some time now!
I have liked it, but I didn't love it. The format is beautiful, your poem rhymes (which I adore!), and your vocabulary is interesting. :)
However, I don't feel the emotions. I see there are two entities in the meditation, but I don't feel the main character's emotions or sense of distress/surprise at discovering he/she's not alone. I sense the impatience/irritation of the intruder, but only a little. Poems are supposed to use a precise vocabulary (which you do) and make us feel (which this poem doesn't).
I enjoyed the storyline, though. And the intruder's voice is clear and authoritarian, as well as mysterious like the shadows he/she/it? mentions.
I know you used repetitions as a writing device in your poem, but ''vastness'' is there twice. What bothers me is that it's too close to the other use of the same word. Perhaps another word would be better?
Another reason why I gave you 4 stars: you used punctuation well! It's rare to see that in poems and I appreciate it.
I noticed you made a story out of your poem instead of focusing on some ''concept''. Let me tell you I love your approach! I do the same thing, sometimes. I love to tell a story...
I think it's still a good poem. :) Take my feedback or leave it, it's your work after all. I just tried to give you tips to improve it.
I must say the idea for this story is really interesting. However, I have a few tips for you that I think could help you improve the story.
I noticed you used the word ''felt'' twice in two close sentences. I have been told many times by other writers that the word ''feel'' is better when it is absent. That way you can describe more of what's going on (show, don't tell!).
Moreover, the length is not a matter to me. I love short, really short stories sometimes. There is one thing though that I find you could use more... her ghost! It is implied that she is dead, and towards the ending it is even said to us. But I feel like she could be or feel even more what death is about. There is an opportunity for more details. Do you see it? I do.
I liked the ending. Betrayal is indeed a tragic thing and it's actually my villain's main motive in my upcoming story (I yet have to upload it on Writing.com).
Thank you for sharing this story. It was a nice, short read. Different, too. Like I said, I think it could be improved by playing more on the point of view.
But do as you wish since it's your story. I'm just trying to give helpful tips.
I really love the rhythm of this piece. It rhymes and it flows freely. Its short length makes it have an even greater impact. However, something bugs me: Mozart. Either you're referring to art in general, which then makes it fine, or you're only referring to artists who paint, which then makes it odd to see Mozart in such a poem. It's not clear whether it's all types of art or just one. I would go with all types, but I'm not sure. Perhaps another artist would have been better in his stead? Or perhaps a sentence to make us understand it's about all types of art?
Keep up the good work, I liked this poem! ^.^
P.S.: I can't imagine all art burning; what a nightmare!
This was good. I particularly like the ending. Poor Ted. I love how you make it rhyme - it's one of my favourite things in poems.
However, in this small paragraph, there are things you could improve:
Ted grew to shed,
the baggage of his past,
but it didn't seem to last,
he found himself trapped.
I think there shouldn't be a comma between 'shed' and 'the baggage', it makes it unclear. Moreover, a ';' would be better between 'last' and 'he found himself trapped'. A comma is too vague, while a ';' creates a new sentence while keeping it glued to the previous sentence and meaning.
I think you used too many capitals in the last paragraph compared to the rest of your poem. It stands out (perhaps it's what you wanted), but it makes me cringe a bit because the style is not kept. And I think that the last paragraph is the one who should be free of distractions.
Besides these little notes, I enjoyed it. It is sad, but true that usually circles do come back around. I see you've changed tenses between the two characters. It makes for an interesting effect, a bit confusing at first, but good.
A beautiful poem about the harsh truth of becoming and being an adult. I liked the rhythm and rhymes here and then. However, it should be ''one's slightest action''. :) And, this is a personal preference, but I think your poem would stand out with commas, dots, and capital letters. I think you should go over its form again, not the content. I always enjoy poems as they're made on the spur of the moment, hence why the content should not be changed. Plus, it sounds good that way.
My first thoughts/impressions: I was intrigued and interested, then rebuted when I found out it wasn't about the general human babies. But it quickly changed to me nodding my agreement to this figurative take on it. However, at the end of it, I felt... dry. I haven't been emotionally gripped, sadly, because poems are supposed to make you feel connected... and yet I felt miles away. I re-read it thrice on different days, but still the same. (Though I'm glad you won a contest with it! :D)
Why I chose to read your work: the word 'baby' caught my attention seeing how I love children and the sweet emotions they make me feel. Then, when I saw it was a poem, I was thoroughly excited.
What I appreciated: that you chose to include every type of 'babies' in your work. Because it is true, a novel, a poem, a business, a child... everything you care about and put efforts into can be your baby, metaphorically.
What I think needs more work: It needs to be more profound in the choice of words because I didn't connect. We readers need to be emotionally pulled into it... I think the terms were too general, just skimming the surface of what could have been. I think if you chose words with more impact, depth, it would work better. :)
Grammar, spelling & idiomacy: there are only two mistakes I found. The first being 'well worn', it needs a hyphen: well-worn. The second probably being a typo: in the third verse, after 'your heart', the period is missing :O.
A little favorite of mine: I would have to say the third verse... I think it says everything about this poem and is the most emotional part of it. Yes, definitely this verse and its truth. The last two lines having tugged at my heart a bit, which was fun.
Overall: I appreciated the multi-dimensional meaning of 'baby' in your poem. It was sweet. I would have loved to relate deeply to it, but no real emotions were created in me... unfortunately. I suggest you work on that (this is meant very friendly). Also, I notice it rhymed at the second and fourth line of every verse, which is interesting. However, I would prefer if it rhymed at every line - I'm a sucker for rhymes :). But that is my personal opinion completely. Perhaps it would help the connection.
I really like its format; it's different, wide and it doesn't force your eyes. It metaphorically seems to leave enough space to read 'between the lines' ;).
It is quite sweet, yet we sense the emotions and devotion towards the loved one. My favorite part is the very start: ''Eyes so blue/The sea cries out in envy''. It made me smile; what a cute and funny way to describe someone's eye colour.
Now, for things to improve:
- You made a grammatical mistake. It is 'you're' and not 'your', when you say 'you're on my mind'. Because you cannot possess a possessive 'your', but YOU can BE (you're/you are) on someone's mind. :)
- Also, I think in the first 4 lines you had the potential to make it rhyme, but then it dissolved, sneaking back in only here and then... Choose a side, maybe? I have a fondness for rhyming poems, but being thrown back and forth is confusing.
- I would suggest at the end of it all, after the last 'there' to be a period, so as to signify it truly ends on a more 'intense' note. Because to me, the last sentence 'Anywhere, Everywhere, You are there' (mostly with the use of capital letters) means intensity.
- Another mistake is 'The sun has no use to me'; it should be 'The sun has no use for me', instead of 'to' me, it's a fixed expression.
Overall, a good piece; I had fun reading it. :) Thanks for sharing.
Happy Valentine's Day Raid from the Newbie Academy!
- It would sound more natural to say ''A simple voice aside'' then ''A simple aside voice'' - it is too packed, jammed... See?
- There is no preposition with the verb ''to depose'', so it should read: ''As he deposes lost dreams''.
- Here there is a loss of continuity, respect of the style in the line ''Creating, Destroying, Opening realms and closing minds''. It would be preferable to write: ''Creating, Destroying, Opening realms and Closing minds''. It would have been actually perfect! Unless, perhaps, you wanted to 'close' it just like the minds, which is why there is a small 'c'...
It is a beautiful piece of writing. The first three paragraphs are really gripping and moving, making you dive into her psyche and emotions. However, the ending... it lacks something. There were no 'real' emotions; it's as if they suddenly disappeared. It's leaving us on the edge, as if the building wasn't completed. I think the two lines with less emotions are the last ones, where there should be the most! It seems cold. Although it might have been your idea, for the coldness since she's actually giving up on that person, but still, the ''So'' and phrasing simply sounds too detached, as if nothing had happened before. Perhaps a change of words here and there? Or a longer paragraph in order to keep the stirred states of mind from the previous ones? :)
If you wrote this out of a personal event, I really hope my comment isn't hurting you. I've been there, I can totally relate to that ''character'' and I know it hurts too damn much. I am not judging the feelings here, only the writing and what we expect it to do to us, readers. I just wanted to make that clear. :)
Oh, and I really love and you made it rhyme! :D An important fact to me that I'm always looking for in poems.
Your poem made me laugh; I enjoyed it. At first, I'd have told you to change your title because it wasn't professional, but when I read the ending, it does make more sense ;)... Two things, though: 1- The overall grammar is respected and the sensation of being a 'teenager' in the social media years is so easy to get, the 'wow' and 'taste' should have a capital letter - it breaks the fluid pace of your poem. Perhaps it would need a comma just before to explain it's still part of the sentence? Or then just add capitals. 2- It's not a haiku xD. It's a poem. A haiku is usually 3 to 5 lines.
But seriously, a good read! Thank you.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/gypsyherowoman
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 7:52am on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
My first thoughts/impressions: I was intrigued and interested, then rebuted when I found out it wasn't about the general human babies. But it quickly changed to me nodding my agreement to this figurative take on it. However, at the end of it, I felt... dry. I haven't been emotionally gripped, sadly, because poems are supposed to make you feel connected... and yet I felt miles away. I re-read it thrice on different days, but still the same. (Though I'm glad you won a contest with it! :D)
Why I chose to read your work: the word 'baby' caught my attention seeing how I love children and the sweet emotions they make me feel. Then, when I saw it was a poem, I was thoroughly excited. 
What I appreciated: that you chose to include every type of 'babies' in your work. Because it is true, a novel, a poem, a business, a child... everything you care about and put efforts into can be your baby, metaphorically.
What I think needs more work: It needs to be more profound in the choice of words because I didn't connect. We readers need to be emotionally pulled into it... I think the terms were too general, just skimming the surface of what could have been. I think if you chose words with more impact, depth, it would work better. :) 
Grammar, spelling & idiomacy: there are only two mistakes I found. The first being 'well worn', it needs a hyphen: well-worn. The second probably being a typo: in the third verse, after 'your heart', the period is missing :O. 
A little favorite of mine: I would have to say the third verse... I think it says everything about this poem and is the most emotional part of it. Yes, definitely this verse and its truth. The last two lines having tugged at my heart a bit, which was fun. 
Overall: I appreciated the multi-dimensional meaning of 'baby' in your poem. It was sweet. I would have loved to relate deeply to it, but no real emotions were created in me... unfortunately. I suggest you work on that (this is meant very friendly). Also, I notice it rhymed at the second and fourth line of every verse, which is interesting. However, I would prefer if it rhymed at every line - I'm a sucker for rhymes :). But that is my personal opinion completely. Perhaps it would help the connection. 
