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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/gwroller
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5 Public Reviews Given
11 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by GW Roller Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Let me preface that I am not a children’s book writer.

Impression: The story is simplistic in presentation with a strong enough tale to inspire the imagination of a child. Do not sell our youth short by leaving out details that would create better imagery. I would suggest a less flat approach to the desert, snakes, prison and general development of the story. Adding more imagery using the same level of vocabulary would brighten the story. The wedding is an excellent point to add the grandeur of royalty.

Grammar: Using the word, circumnavigated – might be a bit over the top and the reference to the intake on the ‘hummer’ could be beyond your audience’s grasp.

The story seems geared toward illustration and my impression is an age range 3-5 from the dialogue.
The dove’s death is tragic and if you are going to use it for this age group I would recommend taking a spin on the dove to somehow bring it back to life at the wedding. Using ‘blood’ as a descriptive for the age group might be seen as too much but then I am not a writer for children. Beef up the dialogue and imagery to approach a broader audience. Remember some the novels for ages 6-10 are very close to adult style writing using a smaller vocabulary.
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Review of Nightmare  Open in new Window.
Review by GW Roller Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Writing from the first person is a challenge for any author. You are doing a solid job of maintaining the perspective. The story line keeps an even flow through the piece with decent imagery projecting fear form the main character. I would suggest adding some personality to the lizard/man, monkey and doe by humanizing their expressions and thoughts. This will add an extra dimension that Ben can play against as he attempts to define their thoughts and actions.
Every writer develops their own style but I would recommend the following technical observations:
Avoid using conjunctive (and/or) within your sentence structure. Watch out for the dreaded ‘that’ and unnecessary infinitives (yet/ almost). Reduce the reliance on ‘I’ since the story flows from the first person perspective you can do away quite a few.
Example:
I was in the middle of a very deep and peaceful sleep, and I didn’t want to come out just yet. I tried to ignore the strings of consciousness interrupting me, but to no avail. The cold and the hard ground, and that annoying shifting light, were all too much for my mind not to process. So little by little, I reluctantly began to register my surroundings.

With a twitch of my fingers, I instantly recognized smooth blades of grass, so I definitely was outside somewhere on the ground. But where? I wasn’t about to open my comfortably sealed eyes yet to find out. The slight, chilly breeze brought with it the heavy smell of lawn and the mineral odor of cement to my nostrils. I’m outside the estate, I realized. If I wasn’t enjoying the numbness of the newly awake, I would have been horrified. Finally, and now with great caution, I opened my eyes.
Could be rewritten as:
I was in the middle of a deep peaceful sleep, refusing to abandon. Ignoring the interrupting strings of consciousness did not work. Cold hard ground, annoying shifting light, were all too much to process. Little by little, my surrounding began to register.
Fingers twitched recognizing smooth blades of grass. I was definitely outside on the grounds. About to open comfortably sealed eyes to find out, a slight chilling breeze brought the heavy smell of lawn mixed with the mineral odor of cement to my nostrils. I am outside, outside of the estate. Enjoying the numbness of being newly awakened, I missed being horrified. With great caution, eye opened.
Summary:
Removing many of the “I”s will leave the reader immersed looking through Ben’s eyes. Removing the unnecessary ‘and/but’ conjunctions will keep the sentences flowing. Take each sentences and combination, attempt to ‘boil’ them down into the fewest words possible without losing meaning to foster better imagery.
As I said at the beginning, each author creates their own style. I do believe correcting these minor technical issues will draw the reader into your story, immersing them into the character.
Keep writing, I will be honored to review a correct draft. Simply email if I can be of further assistance.

GW Roller, Writing the Dream
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