I love the humor coming through your account. Even though this must have been very frustrating at the time, your account is an enjoyable read.
I could find no grammar or punctuation errors. As I have said, I am no expert in poetic meter or styles, but I know what I like.
Your determination to get home is one I can identify with.
Thanks for entering the Forty or More Winter contest.
This review is intended to be helpful. It is also just one person's opinon.
Title
I'm not quite sure how the title fits.
Content
As I read this, I was reminded of Edger Allen Poe. This piece also created an impression of something written in the Victorian era. Your descriptions work to create a very distinct mood. Perhaps I have been reading too much Poe lately, but I could see his influence in your style for this story. This is not a criticism, just an observation.
You have a strong vocabulary and use it very well. This piece is certainly one of classic horror and foreboding.
Technical
The biggest thing I noticed is your use of "that." I guess it stands out to me because I tend to use "that" way too much. Allow me to make some suggestions:
Try substituting "that" with "which." For example:
"sitting by a receding fire that burned within a"
Try:
"sitting by a receding fire which burned within a"
You might also be able to leave it out completely:
"The candles that I had lit were long lifeless"
Try:
"The candles I had lit were long lifeless"
I would suggest you look at each use of "that" and see if it can be eliminated or replaced with "which."
Overall Impression
A very spooky, disquieting read. Thanks for sharing. I much prefer this to graphic blood and gore.
This review is intended to be helpful. It is also just one person's opinion.
Title
The title intrigued me. I think that's a good thing for a title to do.
Content
This story of the world economic problems affecting one couple makes the issues very real and personal. This takes the issue beyond what "the country" is going through, or what "the world" is going through. The clear reality is found in what the individuals are going through. I like the way you developed the story out, not immediately revealing what the "R word" is.
I also like how you ended it on a positive note, probably because I have had to start over more than once, including a couple of career changes. There is always hope.
Technical
I didn't really notice much needing attention. All I really saw was the last sentence:
"The R word didn’t take that away from us7`" I' m not sure how the 7' got in there.
Overall Impression
I liked the story, especially the hopeful ending. Thanks for sharing.
This reveiw is intended to be helpful. it is also just one person's opinon.
Title
I don't see any reference to ghosts in the story, either in the spectral sense or in the metaphorical sense. Are you referring the ghost of memories of Sarah?
Content
You do a good job setting the scene and I like your descriptions. You did not make the cemetary seem a wicked, forebodding place. It is a place of quiet reflection. The protagonist is able to come here, collect her thoughts, release her emotions, and be strengthened to carry on.
Technical
Just a couple of things I noticed.
You seem to have the same issue I do with the word "that." Try either eliminating it from the sentence, or replacing it with "which" or "who" where appropriate. Here's a sample of what I mean:
"There is only one place that remains barren." Try re-writing this as:
"There is only one place which remains barren."
" It was Sarah that brought me here" Try this:
"It was Sarah who brought me here"
"when I was so lost that I may have" Try leaving it out:
"when I was so lost I may have"
Overall Impression
This is a very good look into a character. It would be interesting to see this character in other settings, Perhaps you could explore the turns her life has taken a little bit. All in all, well done.
This review is intended to be helpful. It is also just one person's opinion.
Title
I understand the reference to tea, but not to frozen tea. I guess I am missing something.
Content
In this flash fiction, we see a small slice of life. I am left with many questions. What has she imagined? Did she imagine it? What are the man's motivations? Why is she in bed? Where is he going? Why is he going?
To me, the questions mean I came to care about the story and the characters.
Technical
"walked to the door and as he turned off the light-switch which was already off, and as he left the room" I would suggest a re-write of this:
walked to the door, turned off the light-switch which was already off, and left the room
This would reduce the word count by five and tightens up the action a little.
"Then she heard him walk down the stairs and out the front door and down the outside brick steps and though she couldn't hear him after that, she listened anyway."
Same type of thing with this sentence. Try eliminating some words"
She heard him walk down the stairs, out the front door, and down the brick steps. Though she couldn't hear him after that, she still listened.
This re-write eliminates words and tightens up the sentence.
Overall Impression
This is a good story. I would encourage you to expand this into a much larger piece.
Please use any suggestions you find worthy and disregard everything else. This is your story and should be told your way.
This review is intended to be helpful. It is also just one person's opinion.
Title
The title caught my attention. To me, that's what makes a title good.
Content
I was drawn to this because I did stage for four years in high school and I still remember the feeling of stage fright. You did a good job capturing the feeling. I have seen experienced actors forget their lines and have to be prompted from off-stage. I have also been on the other end waiting for someone to do their lines or make their entrance. However, you must press on just as your character did.
Technical
I am not experienced enough with the various types of poetry to speak on whether or not you meet a certain style requirement. To me, if the poem says what I want it to say, then it is what it should be.
I could find no spelling errors.
Overall Impression
This poem brought back memories and I was able to connect with the story it told. Thank you for sharing.
This review is intended to be helpful. It is also just one person's opinion.
Title
The title is appropriate to the story.
Content
Flash fiction stories are always intersting to me. Having written several, I understand the challenge of trying to get the story done under the word limit. This story reads well although I am not clear on who Keith is. Pehaps too many characters are introduced for the word limit.
Technical
"departed, leaving Peter and I to ourselves." This is a common error. Using "I" is drilled into us, but it is not always the correct word to use. In this case, the correct word would be me. To determine which one to use, write the sentence leaving out any reference to Peter:
"depated, leaving me to myself" We would not say, "leaving I to myself."
This review is intended to be helpful. It is also just one person's opinion.
Title
A good title. It caught my attention.
Content
This story of the end of the world captivated me and pulled me right along. I could not stop reading it as the action was quick, the descriptions were clean and clear. I enjoyed seeing things from the aliens' point of view.
Technical
I only noticed one thing.
"spectacles from and end table" should be an.
Overall Impression
In a word, "WOW!" A very enjoyable story. Thank you for sharing it with us.
This is part of the review package from "Invalid Item"
This review is intended to be helpful. It is also just one person's opinion.
Title
I am not sure the title fits. I don't see the protagonist showing any sadness, just anger.
Content
This is a story of a jilted lover pushed to the brink (if not over the edge). I follow the story until the very end. The last line kind of throws me. Did she really have a gun? If so, why would the nurses let her have one. Is the whole scene described at the beginning just in her head? I became kind of confused.
Technical
" found out that it was over I" You don't need the word that.
"or the fact that it was my sister?" You don't need the word that
" she thought she was better than me. No – guess what you are not!" You changed from third person (she) to second person (you). Try to do one or the other, not both.
"my eyes, I can feel the tears" This is a little redundant. Try something like: I can feel the tears start
" always said that I had to study hard" You don't need the word that.
Overall Impression
I like psychological stories and this has great possibilities. Consider the things I have noted and decide what makes sense for your story.
This review is intended to be helpful. it is also just one person's opinion.
Title
Appropriate to the piece
Content
You state that your intent is to portray a feeling. The feeling I take away is one of soul-crushing despair. The character is oppressed by his life and the conditions of his existence. Every sight and sound serves to push his spirit further and further from any form of happiness.
Technical
I did not notice any spelling or grammar errors..
Overall Impression
I am completely depressed and dejected now (just kiddng ). This is powerful in its negativity. I think you achieved your intent. However, I think this could part of a much larger piece. Perhaps he becomes the leader (or maybe a pawn) of a movement to change things. Perhaps something or someone comes along to help him change his point of view. If you want to keep it dark, then perhaps he is led to suicide or murder. The options are many, if you so choose.
This review is intended to be helpful. It is also just one person's opinion.
Title
Very appropriate title
Content
It's stories like this that make me glad I'm not in the dating pool
This is a very well written tale. Ellen's nervousness seems very genuine and believable. I found myself hoping for the best for her. Maybe the guy won't stutter so much once his nervousness wears off...
Technical
It's a small point but there is supposed to be an apostrophe after the d in maitre d'.
Overall impression
I liked the story very much. I get the feeling Ellen won't be seeing Ted after this date, but you never know.
This review is intended to be helpful. It is also just one person's opinion.
Title
Very appropriate to the story.
Content
I enjoyed how you wove the two different parts of the story together at the end. The ending was a surprise, which was nice.
I also like the idea of kept promises. He was trying to keep his promise and failing and she failed to keep her promise. These broken promises collided with horrible results.
The characters came through clear.
Technical
I couldn't really see anything needing improvement. Well done.
Overall Impression
This is a very powerful read. I am reminded of my wife's best friend as a young girl. Her father was stopped for drunk driving. The officer knew him and let him go. He never made it home.
I wish I had some suggestions for you, but it is very well written.
This review is intended to be helpful. It is also just one person's opinion.
Title
A good title. Fits the story. Perhaps a suggested change would be to focus on the main part of this story which is Love Perfected.
Content
I liked the fable-like feel of the story telling. Instead of telling this like an actual event, the fable or parable kind of feel allows for the reader to see a greater truth.
Technical
I noticed only a couple of things:
the purpendicular waltz should be spelled perpendicular
only because they are unaware of true love."
"But my Queen and I are soulmates," continued the Dreamsearcher. "And although I was
You don't need the quotation marks after love since the same person continues to speak.
This review is intended to be helpful. It is also just one person's opinion.
Title
Appropriate for the piece.
Content
This is a nice beginning to a story. It might be interesting to learn more about these city boys and what kind of trouble they got into. I am not sure enough detail is there to understand why she would so willingly leave in the middle of the night with him. Perhaps a little more about them "falling in love". Also, the other boy seems to disappear. How does he feel about Stry's interest in Lizbeth? What about Cole? Secondary characters can make for great plot points and conflicts. Something to think about...
Technical
You need to watch your capitalization. In one place you capitalize Papaw and in another you don't. I would recommend keeping it capitalized since you are using it as his name. The same thing happens at one point with Stry. I am sure it is a typo, but little things like that can be a distraction from your story.
"Your cute kid." Should be You're
"twords the pig pen" Should be towards. I guess you could be using it as "hick slang" type of thing, but it really stuck out as I was reading this.
"barn grroming my horse" Should be grooming
"Whats so important" Should be What's
"grabbedmy blue jeans" Should be grabbed my (you need a space between the two words}
There may be some more. I would encourage you to re-read this and see what catches your eye.
Overall Impression
This really is a good start to the story. Just pay attention to the details of spelling and typos. I hope you will continue this and see where it goes.
This review is intended to be helpful. It is also just one person's opinion.
Title
Kind of an interesting title. The reader is left wondering about the window and it drew me into the story.
Content
Flash fiction is a challenge due to the limited word count. The story creates a spooky kind of atmosphere and I am left wondering about the sanity of the protagonist. The mirror at the end was unexpected.
Technical
Just a couple of typos:
"dense, balck surfaces. It is a cold adn unpleasant" Should be "black" and "and"
Overall Impression
As with most flash fiction I have read, I am always eager to learn more about the characters and events. This story is no exception. But, alas, this is not always within the scope of a flash fiction story.
Thank you for sharing this.
Keep Writing!
George
The review is intened to be helpful. It is also just one person's opinion.
Title
The title is appropriate.
Content
This is an interesting start to a story. It reads almost like a fable or some morality story. I can only guess you intend a conflict of some sort to disturb Yue and Sithe's peaceful life. It will be interesting to see how you play this out.
Technical
I didn't notice any mis-spelled words. The big thing which stood out is that the third paragraph is repeated. Probably a cut and paste error.
Also, the transition from the third (and fourth) paragraph and the fifth seems a little abrupt. You mention the stars not teaching Yue to dance a certain dance, but there is no previous mention of dancing. Also, what happened to the original tiny prince? He raises Yue and then seems to disappear. How does he feel about Sithe? He is still alive?
Overall
As I said, this reads to me like a morality story. Perhaps one of love conquering all, devotion, dedication, or any other such noble ideals. A good start to what could be a very interesting story.
This review is intended to be helpful. It is also just one person's opinion.
Title
The title is good, except that "beginning" is mis-spelled.
Content
As a prologue, this piece sets up events which create interest. As a reader, I am wanting to know more about what is going on and what is behind all this.
Technical
You have several run-on sentences strung together with commas. Here is an example:
"Ragan watched out the small window of his bedroom as the military vehicle pulled up to the parking area of his apartments, he counted as four soldiers stepped out of the transport vehicle all with guns drawn, they looked ready to kill."
One suggested re-write would be:
"Ragen watched out his small bedroom window as the military vehicle pulled into the parking area of his apartments. Four soldiers stepped out with guns drawn looking ready to kill."
By eliminate some words and commas, the overall story will become stronger. This is just a suggestion. You may come up with a better way to re-do this part.
There are other run-on sentences. I listed just the one to give you the idea of what to look for.
One other thing to consider is to separate your dialogue from your narrative. Example:
"and said "get that tank up to 7-XR3DKJ-9M..."
By leaving your dialogue in the middle of the narrative, it becomes difficult for the reader to follow along with a conversation. I would suggest beginning each dialogue break on its own line:
Jovan turned to them and spoke.
"Get that tank up to 7-XR3DKJ-0M..."
Overall Impression
This is a good introduction. I would recommend you look at the items I listed and see how you can make it even better. Be sure to fully develop your characters. Give them backgrounds, habits, solid reasons for why they do what they do and why they are the way they are. This will serve to make the characters more real.
This review is intended to be helpful. It is also just one person's opinion.
Title
The title is appropriate.
Content
This is a story of the everyday which suddenly changes. As the beginning to a larger piece, this definitely has a lot of potential. It is not capable of standing alone. You create a very peaceful scene from the beginning, which could stand in stark contrast to the events beginning to unfold by the end.
Technical
There are a few things you will need to fix.
"was chilly, and" you don't need the comma
"realized that he had forgotten that today was Sunday" try taking out both of the thats. The sentence should flow better.
“Why I make some breakfast?” I believe this should read:
"Why don't I make some breakfast?"
"went back up stair and" there should be an "s" at the end of "stair"
"think differently, he thought" a comma is not appropriate her. Try a period or maybe a semi-colon
"followed and ended up and ended up at" obviously you don't need the second and ended up
There are some other areas where a comma may not be necessary as well as place where you could eliminate the word "that." Try saying the sentence out loud with and without the word "that" and see if it still makes sense. If it makes sense and sounds good without it, then don't use it.
Overall Impression
As I have already said, this is a good start to an interesting story.
This review is intended to be helpful. It is also just one person's opinion.
Title
Very appropriate.
Content
An article such as this has to be judged and reviewed on its merits, without regard to whether or not I agree with the author's position. Obviously, you feel very strongly about the death penalty. Your passion clearly comes through. However, in this type of argument or debate, passion alone is not enough to carry your point. You make passing references to instances where innocent people were executed, but you do not give specifics. Specific names, places, and situations will give your argument strength which passion alone is unable to do.
Do not presume to speak for victims of violent crimes. You question whether or not the death penalty brings closure or relief to these victims. Bolster your argument with victims' accounts which support your position.
It seems you wrote this out of passion and emotion for the topic but did not consider how it would flow. As a result, it is a little choppy. This is a good framework. I would suggest you now do the research to give teeth to your argument and strengthen your points.
This review is intended to be helpful. It is also just one person's opinion.
Title
While the necklace is not an integral part of the story, the title still works well.
Content
There is a lot of heart in the story and the emotions of the characters comes through. I have a suggestion for you to consider. You have a strong vocabulary and it shows. However, if a reader has to keep referring to a dictionary to understand some words it becomes a distraction which interepts the flow of the story. You may want to change some words: harangue, parsimonious, perquisites, temerity, mala fide
At one point, Neil mentions some pineapples:
"Thanks, Abena. The pineapple was so sweet. Where did you get it?"
I don't read of him eating any pineapples. Up to that point, he has eaten the bananas and the honey.
The phrasing seems a little awkward when Neil finds out about Rosa's illness.
"One day, my admin head, Robert came to my office.
“Did you meet her, Robert?”
“Yes, sir. She is down with malaria.”
It is unclear, at first, who "her" is. There was no mention up to this point about Rosa being absent, sick, or anything else. Perhaps you could re-work this part so it is not quite so abrupt.
Technical/Grammar
There were some parts where I wondered about comma usage. There is one which sticks out most to me:
"Accra, the location of our country headquarters had" There needs to be a comma after "headquarters".
Overall Impression
This is a very good story of temptation, desire and overcoming both.
This review is intended to be helpful. It is also just one person's opinon.
Title
I'm not sure if the title fits. I'm not sure how the blonde is the problem.
Content
An interesting story of a sniper making a hit. I am left wondering who hired him, will he get away, what was the lawyer not supposed to tell and how does the blonde fit into all this. Could make for a good longer story, if you so choose.
Technical
One spelling error: sheriff has one "r".
Overall Impression
Overall, a good read. I would enjoy seeing how this might develop out.
This review is intended to be helpful. it is also just one person's opinion.
Title
Very appropriate title. Fits very well.
Content
A very engaging story about discovering a family secret. Makes one wonder what might be hiding in their own family history...
A very realistic story well told.
Technical
I just have a couple of suggestions.
"most of which either have" I would suggest "most of whom either have"
There are a couple of places where I am not sure a comma belongs.
For Example:
" the oldest, private accounting " I don't believe a comma is appropriate here.
Overall Impression
I was caught up in the story. I would love to see how your protagonist deals with the issue of her family money coming from such a horrid business.
Very good use of the prompt. I am left wanting to see if they get out their predicament.
It's always a pleasure to read your stories.
Good luck in the contest.
George
This is really a very sweet, endearing story. I don't know if it's true or not but it did connect with me, so I guess it doesn't matter. I remember sitting with my great-grandmother when she would go through her old photo albums and tell me all about each person in every picture.
As far as a review goes, I did not see anything I could suggest to improve this piece.
This review is intended to be helpful. It is also just one person's opinion.
Title
Very appropriate.
Content
I liked the conversational tone of the piece. I felt as If I was having an actual conversation with Dan. I wasn't quite sure where the story was going, so I went along with it to see where it ended. Is he crazy or not? it's left up to the reader to decide. Very nicely done.
Technical
There are a couple places I noticed which could use a comma.
"Motel rooms and appliance stores do too." There should be a comma after "do".
" See you on Wednesday Dan," I believe there needs to be a comma after "Wednesday".
Overall
I enjoyed this very much. Thank you for sharing.
Keep Writing!
George
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). This is powerful in its negativity. I think you achieved your intent. However, I think this could part of a much larger piece. Perhaps he becomes the leader (or maybe a pawn) of a movement to change things. Perhaps something or someone comes along to help him change his point of view. If you want to keep it dark, then perhaps he is led to suicide or murder. The options are many, if you so choose.