I think you have done a good job of setting the scene. The emotions of the husband in particular are apparent. Personally I think his internal torment will outmatch his payment to society. I am very glad I don't have people in my life who drink or even smoke.
I didn't get a real sense of whether he was constantly inebriated or if this was the exception that killed her.
Well, you're asking for advice, so here is mine. (I hope I'm not abrasive, I'm sleep deprived.)
The first thing I would do is capitalize the title every time you use it as his name.
The second thing I would do is find a quiet room and read your poem out loud. You might find things that don't flow well. If they don't flow while you read them, they won't flow when your readers view them.
One example of not flowing comes from line three into line four. Either line would work without the other.
Another thing I might do is break into stanzas. They don't have to be regular. It is easier to read stanzas than a long column. If you love long column poetry, try a deliberate shape, like the longest line is at the center or at the end.
Consider punctuation. Even if you deplore punctuation in poetry, (a stance I do not take) it may help your revisions. (and you can take it out later) Also, consider taking a copy, arranging it as a prose piece complete with punctuation and paragraph breaks. That also might help you revise.
Remove unneeded words. A poem does not always need to be full sentences.
Your poem is long. Consider removing lines that mean the same thing as other lines, or that hold the same place in the narrative.
I am glad to see from your portfolio that you are about to be published. If this monologue is a representative sample of your work I think the book will do well.
You should go into every bookstore within a hundred miles of you and personally put your book on their new book table. (don't get caught) I know for a fact that they don't plan that table so hard that they will notice right away. Never put your book on the bestsellers, they'll move it right away.
'The huge creature must have been a female due to her large size.' Great case of anthropomorphism. Or rather Pernopomorphism. Just because their females are huge, the huge one must be female...
I liked this. Slavers=bad. so I love that they get what is coming to them.
Did the commander note her mating cycle so he could offer to discard a poor performance review in exchange for mating? That wasn't clear.
One slight nitpicking problem. 'Pern' is the name of the planet where Anne McCaffrey's most famous series is set. I couldn't put the word's previous connotations out of my head. It bugged me every time I read it. Sorry.
As a child I had reoccurring nightmares about a fun house. (Not one I ever actually visited) Then one night I dreamed it as if floating over my own shoulders. Nothing was frightening anymore and there were six foot tall chickens dancing on the roof.
That may be why I skipped this one at first.
I like your foreshadowing frame. It makes the whole story scarier. I can only imagine the survivor's guilt that plagues this poor kid.
Well, an ancient mechanic observer who slowly gains the AI equivalent of a soul through association with a human. Intriguing concept.
Your mechanics appear good (or at least I didn't find anything to objectionable)
I rather hope whatever race left the machine does eventually come back for it. I couldn't quite tell, did the man with the book really know the machine was there, or did he have fondness for the place?
Hmm, was the sound inside his head or did it follow him... Either way the story was well constructed, arched gracefully from office visit to office visit with a nice hook at the end.
Just the sort of thing we all hope won't happen to us.
P.S.I hope you know in real life not to mix the good painkillers with beer...
Interesting on a lot of levels. Every time I see teenagers with smart phones I think about how lost they would be without connection.
It is totally plausible that society would break down that quickly, but I think it would take longer to rebuild.
I like the slightly conspiracy theory bent. It makes me wonder if the Government was behind the first virus too.
Unfortunately, history does repeat itself. I would hope that if something like this does ever happen, we will be able to avoid the quick return to internet crack, at least on the level of implants and such.
Very nice story.
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