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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/gungunwarrior
Review Requests: OFF
459 Public Reviews Given
462 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I like to give a fair honest review on anything. I believe in giving every review a custom review and not a cookie cutter. I will point out all the mistakes as well as offer or show help to fix it.
I'm good at...
In depth reviews. I check flow, some grammar if it pulls the reader out of the story. I also check consistency, characters are they real, believable, or fake. I check your plot, theme, and look for flaws. I enjoy both tell and show having grown up reading tell all my life. I will help with ideas on what could make the story or chapter better.
Favorite Genres
I love comedy, sci-fi, fantasy, mysteries, and horror.
Least Favorite Genres
poetry
Favorite Item Types
Short stories
Least Favorite Item Types
poetry
I will not review...
Bad poetry because I really don't know enough to help them fix it. Besides I really wouldn't know good poetry from bad. With all the different styles and structures what might not be bad at all. To me would be so rather then stick foot in mouth and chew vigorously. I would tell you the truth and say I suck at poetry and not disappoint one of the great people here on WDC.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of A Helping Hand  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Charlie ~ Author IconMail Icon
I am reviewing your "A Helping Hand" Open in new Window. as a "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window. Review. These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.


*BulletB* General Impressions Your title is great Your muse does pick well for titles on your short stories. The description needs work. This story is worth reading so I really suggest you fire up your muse and give it a good description. Next is first sentence / paragraph, as usual your grabbed me and didn't let me go until I ran out of words. The only issue I have with it is the genre setting you used as the first one. I kept looking for the mob or gangster connection to this as I read along. I was very disappointed when no tie-in showed itself. I really think they should have one that is violent crime or murder. But most of this type of crime falls under murder mystery or mystery. My point is try putting it as the third one instead of the first one. That way other readers don't get the same reactions as I did at the end. So unfair and here I was thinking Mike's brother was a hit man. I like how you set us up for the scene and the setting by using his age on earth. You grab us with could he be an alien or someone not from earth now we really have to read more to find out. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts You put in quite a twist on this story at the end. I really feel for Mike's brother and Mike now he will not be able to parent his daughters. Because they will get stuck with the new husband because Mike gets to spend the rest of his life behind bars. Of course he could get a lawyer and plead temp insanity. But that would be another story and not this one. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot / Theme You are showing us that there are somethings we really do not want to help out our family with. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters You really do an amazing job of fleshing out your characters to me in your stories. Just thought you should know. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting I pictured this back in the early 1920 or 1930's. It just didn't have that modern feel to it. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog You used your dialog well between the two brothers and also the one brother's thoughts to tell us this tale of murder. *CheckB*



You have received a Dragon review from an Ice Dragon member of the White Walkers.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
If you be foe, you be frozen and very chrispy
The Run-on King PDG Member
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
2
2
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Charlie ~ Author IconMail Icon

I am reviewing your "Thanks! What Is It?" Open in new Window. as a "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window. Review. These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

*BulletB* General Impressions Loved the title it has that hook you need to draw people in. But the description as a second hook needs a little more polish. Now the first sentence/ paragraph drew me in and for the most part held me in. There was a lot of banter that didn't seem quite right to me thus dropping me out then the next sentence would bring me back in kind of like a roller coaster ride. This story is good well written no grammar or punctuation errors but it is missing something that makes you feel it is a 4.5 star instead of a 5 star. In a novel it boils down to the scene being too descriptive or the setting being off. I didn't notice anything wrong with your setting or your scene. I didn't see any info dumps on the descriptions or any too much show. Still just have that gut feeling it needs more polish. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts You really made us feel for the poor third sister with a three legged elephant. Loved the the reference to the white elephant gift. I also liked how you made us feel for Leah as she had to be embarrassed about how it was wrapped and how it made her standout more as a loner than part of the family. *CheckB*


*BulletB* Closing Remarks Your story idea and the way you told it was top notch. I could picture myself there as Leah. But I also remember the joy and the fun my adopted parents made Christmas for me and my other two brothers and sister. I really feel some of your dialog is off base with the scene and then yet it fits the two sisters perfectly as you have presented them to us. My muse feels that the the some of the two sister dialog is off base some how and that is the only area I can point to that could use some attention the rest is really well done. *CheckB*


You have received a Dragon review from an Ice Dragon member of the White Walkers.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
If you be foe, you be frozen and very chrispy
The Run-on King PDG Member
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
3
3
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Dear Charlie ~ Author IconMail Icon
I am reviewing your "The Ten Year Drought" Open in new Window. as a "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window. Review. These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.


*BulletB* General Impressions I see like most of us your writing gets better with age and polish. I liked the story, I could feel the man's pain. Lets get down to it. Lets start with the title, it did hook me into reading this one first of the ten I have to do. All homage to the great Wheel of Torture. I feel you did a good job with your title. Now as for the second and most important hook the description. I think you fell a little flat there. My suggestion is get rid of: Short story of. Moving on to the first sentence / paragraph it drew me in and kept me there until I ran out of words to read. I feel if you fix the description you have one ready for publication. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts I liked how you built up to the confrontation. they way you showed his inner thoughts as he fought his dragon and how hard it became to keep the beast inside. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot / Theme I personally felt the real plot and theme to this was the things men do to win the hand of the woman who catch their eyes. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters I felt for a short story with possible a word limit to it you developed your characters well. I found nothing wrong with them that would pull anyone out of the story. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting You had two main scenes in this story the work place and the bar. You set the story off well with telling us it was at a work place and with that setting we can picture it happing as of right now in our own present time and place. Very mice job with using this type of setting. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Conflict Ah, yes, the age old conflict of another man trying to lay your main squeeze. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Climax Good job with this Charlie If the reader wants to know go read the story lol. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog The interesting part is you didn't use much dialog between two people just the one man's thoughts to himself. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation As always you make your writing look like a pro wrote it, and from what I read I would agree a pro did write it. *CheckB*



You have received a Dragon review from an Ice Dragon member of the White Walkers.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
If you be foe, you be frozen and very chrispy
The Run-on King PDG Member
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
4
4
Review of Segment 1  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear June Author IconMail Icon
I am reviewing your "Segment 1" Open in new Window. as a "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window. Review. These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

*BulletB* General Impressions I read a lot of mysteries and am working on one or two. But like any genre in order to attract readers the first thing your book or novel has to have is a hook for a title. To me Segment One is not a title worthy of your writing talent. I Hook at Night I believe is a great title. It had me wondering just what would I be reading about. I liked your characters really well. It starts off with mother and baby then works into what makes the mother happy. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts I liked the way you used a human characteristic about the mom thinking about being romantic with a different person. We all do this from time to time in our lives. It doesn't mean we cheat on our love ones, it just means we look at what we could have had then realize that what we have is far better and move on. It is how we react to stress and to our thoughts that decides if we really are cheating or just entertaining different thoughts about our lives. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot / Theme Since this is the first chapter of your mystery it is doing the setting of where and when. I believe you did drop a few plot hints, but one really doesn't expect to see much here.*CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters You introduced us to four characters: Grammy, Tom, Rebecca, and Janice. We see a cozy family on the outside with the wife keeping secrets from her husband as most wives like to do. I think most wives have to have one secret they keep from their spouse just so they feel they are in control of their lives. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting So far we know that this takes place in the united states. We do know the where and the when just yet. But I am sure it will be in the next two chapters. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog There wasn't any in this chapter just Janice's internal thoughts as she set up the stage for the rest of the story. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation Some things to think about. Most paragraphs are between six to eight sentences long, not one or two. Also it looks better if you maintain the line space between your short paragraphs. For the most part it looks good reads good and is interesting. *CheckB*


*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation
She gently transferred Rebecca from her arms to the crib, turned, and tip-toped out of the nursery, the light from the hallway guiding her way. <--- I believe that should be tip-toed. *CheckB*

You have received a Dragon review from an Ice Dragon member of the White Walkers.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
If you be foe, you be frozen and very chrispy
The Run-on King PDG Member
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Note:
With ML 2,057
Without ML 2,540


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
5
5
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Dear drasgonsent
I am reviewing your "From The Breach: Ch.8: In Their Midst" Open in new Window.. These are my observations about your work. Keep what you like and forget or ignore the rest.

*BulletB* General Comments & Reader Reaction This chapter is the best I have read so far. I like the new challenge that our hero has to go through to get his talisman back. I found the scene at the stream interesting it did seem a little weak at first, but once you explained the joke I was able to get into the spirit that this man exhibits. You do do build interesting characters. I like the method your using and your style of writing. in ways I wish I had the ability to use your word choices. So far your writing has impressed me both with your style and your scenes. I can picture your world well and it fits my insatiable thirst for exploration of other peoples universes. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot & Pace I am starting to see where you are taking this story your telling. The plot is to get the main character to the dragons and to right a horrible wrong the new king is doing to the world. The pace in this chapter is fast and reads well I like the flow between scenes. You transition between the scene so well the reader doesn't notice it. This is what we all strive for.*CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters I find all your characters interesting and want to know more about them, and I look forward to reading more. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting & Imagery You are doing a great job with your world building and inviting us into your world. Your initial set up you did in chapter one still is holding true in chapter eight. This is an essential part that a lot of us don't understand about consistency. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Themes The over all theme I am feeling in this chapter is good verses evil. *CheckB*
*BulletB* Emotion, Mood & Atmosphere Ah, you have a lot of emotions running rampant in this chapter, We have hate, fear, caution, and humor. For the most part it is all dark so the mood of the chapter is dark. Since the emotions and the mood st the Atmosphere it to is dark and depressing for our hero. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Structure & Consistency The structure and consistency of this chapter are stunning. Your keeping true to your initial setting of your world. Your characters still define the setting. You are keeping them consistent with the plot and story telling. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Writing Style & Grammar Your style works well in your story telling the use of third person limited is working well. Also I couldn't find any grammar issues to distract the reader. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Lines My favorite part was where you introduced the main character to the Captain. You leave a lot open here the reader wonders will he end up being a bad guy or will he become a friend to the hero? Love the way you are leaving this open. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Overall Impression & Conclusion: My over all impression is One of the best written Chapters I have read in this story. I am enjoying the read. When you cannot find anything wrong with it and it reads like a dream. It left me waiting for the next chapter. Very nicely done. I am sorry it took me this long to review it. But I said I would I do keep my commitments even if I am a bit late. I'm not worried about the GPS. You don't owe me anything for this review. *CheckB*

Thank you for sharing this chapter with me. I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading this chapter. Please keep on writing.

You have been reviewed by a Dragon member of Paper Doll Gang.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
6
6
Review of Immortal Tear  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Temujin Author IconMail Icon
I am reviewing your "Immortal Tear" Open in new Window. as a "PDG Rockin' Dragon Review." These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

"Offering quality, helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Impressions It took me awhile to figure out the title in fact it wasn't until the end. So you see what a great hook it really is. Since the title works I looked at the description. I found it was short and to the point. However, it clashes with the title. After reading the story then they both make sense. They both are hooks, the description with it clash with your title does make the reader want to find out why they are so different. I recommend no changes because they work to help draw the reader in. Your first sentence / paragraph was a great hook that finished the job of getting me to read the whole story.

I'm sorry, but I didn't like the double spacing. It felt like I was reading a draft set up to be edited. The double spacing is great for a poem. This is fiction if you open up any book or anthology you will not see the stories double spaced. I once did it too and I got called on it. If your goals are like mine and we want to be published. You will use single spacing and indent your paragraphs. Basically make your writing look like a page in a book. If you practice what the pros do then everyone will believe you are a pro. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts I really liked the ending, it made the story. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot Your description said it best. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters I liked the way you left Father to our imaginations. The really good thing you did was not name the children. I have yet to learn this lesson. It keeps you from having too many characters unlike me I have to name everyone. I found the way you did this was a great example of why I want to practice this style. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting Everyone has an opinion on having a clear setting as in date and time that we can look at. You actually left it open so if the reader really wanted one they could supply their own. I am finding sometimes this way is hard to do. For a short story you made it quite easy my reader pictured it as late 2000s like 2525 or such. Since this is taking place in your universe I saw no reason not to supply my own numbers. The idea is to get the reader involved with the story that they do use their imaginations to enjoy your story. Your setting worked out quite well.*CheckB*

*BulletB* Conflict I pictured the conflict as Father's lost of his people. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Climax I figured this was when the children gave back to father the human race. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog You used it quite well in your story telling. Really good job on that. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation Other than the double spacing the rest of it was great. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation
I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas, no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor, but it is true!) *CheckB*

Thanks for sharing this short story! I only review short stories that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy your story. Please keep on writing more short stories just like this!

You have received a Dragon review from a dragon member of the Paper Doll Gang.


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
7
7
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Dear Save the Turkeys! Author IconMail Icon
I am reviewing your "How to make a magic wand" Open in new Window. as a "PDG Rockin' Dragon Review." These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

"Offering quality, helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Impressions I looked at your title, it was a hook it could be better, but it does work as is. Next I moved on to the description. Now your title and your description do not quite match up. Here is what reader saw; first you saw his daughters, then you tell us we are going to make a wand it can be confusing. As I pondered this dilemma it occurred to me to just change the title. Here is a suggestion on the change "A Magic Wand." Now why would you want to change the title? Two reasons one it now goes with your description and two you now have a great plot twist. Your first sentence/paragraph is quite a hook and it drew me right in.

I was impressed with your story and your idea of it. In fact I followed your instructions and made one myself and here is a picture of it: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I think the picture should be enough to tell you how well the story was written and believable it is. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts I liked how you interject your story about the wand as we go though the wand creation process by this talking wand. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot I figured out the real plot was the wands history which I am not going to give away. You all are just going to have to read it and see. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters I really like the way you developed your main and how he talking directly to the reader. That is a very hard style of writing to do. Any mistake with it and the reader is gone. You did an excellent job with this style of writing. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting You know I never did get an impression of exactly where we were as the wand told his story. You left it open for the reader to fill in the blanks. Since I love exploring and discovery I pictured this all taking place in an old dusty cobwebbed tome of medieval design. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Conflict The conflict in this is subtle and very creative good job Jimminy. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Climax Quite a build up to this piece of information but it was well worth the reading to see it. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog You did an excellent job of using dialog to tell your story. It was the main story telling device. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation You always do a great job with this in both parts. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation *CheckB*
Don’t let you Wand be stolen like I was stolen. <--- You should be your. (You wrote this so well my reader kept putting the r in for me automatically so this is very hard to find.)

Thanks for sharing this short story! I only review short stories that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy your story. Please, keep on writing more short stories just like this!

You have received a Dragon review from the Paper Dragon Gang.


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
8
8
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Breach Author IconMail Icon
I am reviewing your "From The Breach: Chapter 1: Dragons" Open in new Window.. These are my observations about your work. Keep what you like and forget or ignore the rest.

*BulletB* General Comments & Reader Reaction Ok fist thing I went looking for the hook in the title what I found was confusion. First off what is RTB? When your not using the book function in the upgraded and premium accounts. Here is what was explained to me when I did something similar. First Always put your book title here. You have the chapter name in the body as well that is the best place for it. I know this is chapter one but we really need the book name as the title. If I was an editor looking for items to publish I would pass this up because if your not proud of your book title then you will not be of your writing. Now understand an editor will use this to eliminate items from their search the same as they do on submissions. Your title has to be a hook because you have three chances to hook the publisher those are title, description, and first sentence / paragraph.

Your description is good and a hook, but when we went to look at your presentation it is all run together your presentation is not good. Now let's discuss this
presentation has two parts. Part one is how well does the author present their text to the reader. The human eyes need a rest and they use the line feeds and paragraph indents for this you have no line spacing it is all one mass of text. The publisher is going to pass as well as most other readers. Who wants a splitting headache from eye strain. Some suggestions on improvement edit the static sheet and put a line space after each paragraph and dialog paragraphs. Indent it and let's add some color to your title in the text body. Put this in instead of the way you have it. {font:verdana}{center}{size:5}{c:blue}{b}Chapter 1 Dragons{/b}{/c}{/size}{/center}{size:3.5} Now delete what you had and cut and paste this in its place. Now please go through and put in the line spaces most people on the site don't indent so you really don't have to if you don't want to. A good example is look at your favorite book and copy the way the author did it in the book.*CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot & Pace The pace went fairly fast I can see part of the plot starting. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters We met two I am thinking they both are mains for now with Branston as the main and Faldashir as a submain. It will be interesting in how they both interact in chapter two. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting & Imagery You did this well I had no problem seeing their world around me as they moved about. you do your scenes and imagery well in this chapter. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Themes I'm not sure what your over all theme is, but in this chapter you can feel the gloom and resolution to never go back to the one king. So far this chapter is one of gloom and desperation. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Emotion, Mood & Atmosphere The main emotion is fear. the mood is one of fear and gloom. The atmosphere is one of desperation to live and escape. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Structure & Consistency Your consistency is great but your structure is off because everything is all ran together. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Writing Style & Grammar I didn't find one error your writing is very good.
I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas, no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor, but it is true!) *CheckB*

*BulletB* Overall Impression & Conclusion: I liked your story once I got past the no line spacing. It read well held my interest and kept me reading it until the end. That is good writing in any ones book. Now as another help. I found this gem {indent} it does the paragraph indent for you. All you have to do to get it put in correctly is type that in once and then copy it and paste it at the start of each new paragraph, pretty easy to do and it really saves time. The other help is when transferring from a word processor document double space it first then transfer it over and it will transfer over correctly with a single line space after each paragraph. You have an interesting story line I would buy this and look forward to reading it. But please add the line spacing lol sorry I just couldn't resist.*CheckB*

Thank you for sharing this chapter with me. I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading this chapter. Please keep on writing.

You have been reviewed by a Dragon member of Paper Doll Gang.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
9
9
Review of Lost at Sea  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Blake Author IconMail Icon
I am reviewing your "Lost at Sea" Open in new Window. as a "PDG Rockin' Dragon Review." These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

"Offering quality, helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Impressions Ok, let's start with the title I see where you were going with it, but as a hook to draw me into your story it needs work. As a suggestion try "Lost in the Sea of Life." Now on to the description I liked it and it was a great hook. The first sentence I felt like it was a bit too descriptive. I learned a way to remember how to use description as well as plot and scene and that trick is, "What is inside a woman's purse?"

Yes, I understand you are going what the heck is this weirdo doing. The secret to my trick is this we all know what is inside a woman's purse. It works for descriptions as well. We all know what a nice sunny day at a beach looks like what we don't know is what is important from this sentence we need to know for the plot. Or what item your putting in the purse that we don't already know about.

I know your doing show more then tell but my point is what part of the sea and the beach is important to the plot. Remember every reader has a beach scene in our heads we just need enough to lead us to our memory. No one wants to be jerked along and told to see your memory of the beach. I truly feel the only thing wrong with your writing is your a little over descriptive in places. That is what I found wrong with the story. Your story is a five it reads well, but it also gives me a feeling it can be better than it is. The over description is the only flaw I could find. my honest opinion is this is ready to be published, but there is something more it needs and that was my impression after I read it. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts I liked how you intro duced the two men and how they both had something to grieve over. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot I like the two boats in the sea example and how you tied them into the ending really good job great plot. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters You did a great job with the main characters I had no problem visualizing both men. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting Very good setting it enhanced and aided the plot and the story as a whole. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Conflict The main conflict is both mens life memories of the bad past each had to endure. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Climax When the Main showed the other man he was alone with his grief. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog You use your dialog well and it was very good writing showing both men and their weaknesses. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation You had no mistakes you past both sections with flying colors. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation
I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas, no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor, but it is true!) *CheckB*

Thanks for sharing this short story! I only review short stories that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy your story. Please keep on writing more short stories just like this!

You have received a Dragon review from the Paper Doll Gang.


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
10
10
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear Xavier Kobel Author IconMail Icon
I am reviewing your "The Dark One Cometh Prologue" Open in new Window.. These are my observations about your work.

"Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Comments & Reader Reaction Ok lets start with the title. "The Dark One Cometh" is a great title and it meets everything criteria for reader attraction. However, no one likes prologue especially publishers so drop it. Make this the first chapter and then have the Dark One alluding to it in the second chapter. Now your description works great for a short story ie the prologue. What you need is one that covers what the Dark One that cometh is coming for and or what the aftermath is. Remember you get four shots to draw interest to your book, the title, The description, the book cover, and the first sentence. What you show as a prologue should be the first chapter showing what happened and where our Dark One came from. It is important to the story and the plot. There are a few places you can embellish more to fill it in and add more reader interest to it. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot & Pace From your description the prologue was a short story. It meets the needs of a short story. That is why I recommend you change the description. You had your build up, you have a climax and a cooling off period short, but still there. For the most part, it reads well as a short story. It does need better reader attraction. As a suggestion I recommend you build up and flesh out your characters. Especially the couple that will bring the Dark One into the world. You see as part of a plot twist you build up unimportant characters to keep things interesting and to allow for surprises like if the Dark One murders both of them. In fact, that could make one heck of a second chapter. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters As in most short stories you didn't do much to develop them which since it was a prologue is okay. But this is a book and the reader wants to meet the important characters in the first and second chapters this is why most people don't like prologues. They can confuse the reader a lot. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting & Imagery
It was as if the end had come, a generation decimated. Everyone (leader and losers alike) had been affected, if not by personal loss, then by acquaintance. <--- I understand what your trying to say here but for people who life has dragged down and they read your (leader and losers)they will not read any further. I highly recommend you don't make it about peoples feeling as much as a condition. as a suggestion so you understand what I am meaning. "(rich and poor)." You're still showing the same thing that you are basing it on. You are using conditions and not feelings. Somedays we feel like leaders as well as losers so you're not really giving a good reference. Some people may take offense so stay with traditional things that people can identify with. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Themes It is too early yet to get a handle on the theme of the story. However, you are setting the stage with a feeling of dread. so far the theme of the prologue is dread. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Emotion, Mood & Atmosphere Your building up the sadness of a horrible loss of life and of children. Which is setting the stage of a Horror, Sci-Fi genre. The mood in this is dark and forboding good job on this. The atmosphere is that of dread the reader is wondering who or what is the Dark One? Is he going to finish the job the meteoroid started? Is he evil and mankind's destroyer? *CheckB*

*BulletB* Structure & Consistency One thing I noticed that I had to stop doing in my dialog and that is breaking up each sentence with quotes. it confuses the reader because now we have to stop reading and figure out that the author wants us to see. The truth is you only need one set of quotes per paragraph of dialog. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Writing Style & Grammar
"Is everything ok?" A steady silence causes him to check if the cell has lost signal.("} Sweetie, have I lost you?" <--- Missing quote mark. Your style is good and you can paint quite a scene. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Overall Impression & Conclusion: Overall, I would read this book if you wrote it. I know you are doing it right and you are open and looking for good ideas. I believe you have quite a plot for one really good horror story in the sci-fi genre. I think it has great possibilities. It is creative and different. You have a new and different take here. I would love to read it and help you by reviewing your next chapters. *CheckB*

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your book *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your Book. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this chapter! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading this chapter. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a Dragon member of Paper Doll, Dawg, and Dragon Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, Blog City, And Scissor Lizard reviewer with the Art of Criticism.


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
11
11
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear BlueMoon Author IconMail Icon
I am reviewing your "When life throws you adventure" Open in new Window. as a "PDG Rockin' Dragon Gang Review." These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

"Offering quality, helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Impressions Let's discuss your title and description. First as I scanned your port for something to review this was what caught my eye. The title is interesting and inviting to my reader part. Next the description is enticing and inviting to me to come read this short piece of yours. Being an older male I'm not too interested in young women. I tend to stay with fiction and fantasy. As a writer, I am interested in seeing how females write about themselves in fantasy. I still have to work on my presentation of how females are and react. Or so an editor told me on one of my submissions to his company. Anyway, you chose well for the title and the description. However, in a short story, there is a plot with a build up of contention coming to a point then a major confrontation with a cooling down period after. I feel cheated with this for two reasons. The first reason is our main character is running for her life from some hunters. Next she is being guided away from an angry dragon. Where is our major confrontation at? The second part is what does the Elf have to do with the hunters and the dragon? *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts A small, hand held silver dagger with an emerald green dragon emblazoned on the sheath. Why I liked it is you are giving the reader a clue of some kind. it peaked my interest in your story. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot I'm not seeing a plot here just interesting components that keep me reading looking for the plot. If you plan on using this in a larger work or novel I would recommend you make a subplot out of it. How I would recommend you do this is add some trackers after her and when they entered the forest, one of them stepped on the sleeping dragons tail. That is why the dragon is acting out with such a furious nature. This also alerted the Elf to check for the person or being that the trackers were pursuing. Because now the angry dragon was pursuing the trackers. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters Your doing good on your main character. For what you are doing in the short story. I saw no reason the reader needed to know more about the character. If this is only a piece of a larger work then it gives you a lot of room to develop the charter more and that is always a good thing. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting First off the reader has no idea where this young girl is at other then in this world they have horrible things that hunt you. It seems like a pretty bloody world you have invented. However, your not going from your scenes smoothly. First we are runing like a crazy person, next we are taking a drink at a stream. As a suggestion since you do show us a forest up ahead is you have the main see a stream sparkling through some bushes and you head for it to take a rest a dring then run through it to through off her scent to the trackers it gives the reader the scene change and transition now when you introduce the Elf it makes more sense. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Conflict You see at first you are building up to the conflict of the trackers or hunters. that was working pretty good until you through in the dragon and change the whole conflict on us so we didn't get the tracker versus the little girl conflict. Now if you use the dragon the way I suggested then you are plot twisting the trackers with the dragon and that is the major conflict and the cooling down part is the girl and the elf escaping while the dragon distracts the trackers and burns all the trace of the girl and possibly toasting a few trackers as well. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Climax There really wasn't one. *CheckB*
*BulletB* Dialog You didn't use any yet with this piece. Although you could add some between the Elf and the girl as well as the trackers and the dragon that might add quite a bit of humor to the situation as well as make it even more readable. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation Presentation has two parts. The first part is how well did the writer present their text body to the reader? I feel you did an excelant job it lookied like a professional wrote it. The second part is how well does the writer present the subject matter to the reader? It needs a little work on that part. You have the potential to do some great writing, I hope you keep on writing as I want to keep on reading your fiction. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation

A small, hand held (a) silver dagger with an emerald green dragon emblazoned on the sheath. <---- After rereading this a few times I think it would read even better if you changed it to "She placed a small, slim hand on her silver dagger with an emerald green dragon emblazoned on the sheath."

She kept (it) on her at all times, prizing it (as) her most valuable possession. <---- You left out what you were refering to (it) or you could say (the knife). Next is your chopping it so it doesn't flow. The best way to make it make sense is to add (as) in there between 'it' and 'her.' Now it flows and the reader can understand the sentence as you had intended us to.

Turning her head to him and seeing her meant her to follow him. <---- Didn't you mean 'he' instead of her in this sentence? He makes sense here where "her" just adds to the confusion. *CheckB*

Thanks for sharing this short story! I only review short stories that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy your story. Please keep on writing more short stories just like this!

You have received a Dragon review from the Paper Dragon Gang.


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
12
12
Review of The 19th Green  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
"Gasp!" You are being reviewed!

Dear Donkey Hoetay Author IconMail Icon
I am reviewing your {item:} as a "PDG Rockin' Dragon Review." These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

"Offering quality, helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Impressions That was an impressive ghost story I loved the twist you added to it the club house was next to the cemetery. I even loved that the players were play on the cemetery lawn. I didn't even pick up on the funeral that was being held in the middle of the green. I'm still wondering if Danny and Mike are ghosts as well. The reason I'm asking is because you did leave clues like Danny's tractor turning over. Mike's heart attack and that his wife was hurt and recovering in the hospital and Danny said it was okay to be there in spirit. I am surprised you asked me to review this. I actually like golf stories like Bagger Vance and the other three movies made about the game. I don't really play the game. But I do have knowledge of it even drove a golf cart once. Now back to business The reason i pointed out the hints is are they strong enough to give me the reader the idea the might be dead. Actually I believed them to be alive until Danny disappeared. Then I still thought that Mike was living and still do or is it Danny that is still living and the rest that are dead. Do see the readers dilemma? That is the only thing wrong and to be honest it might not be a bad thing. It does makes them go back and read it again. lol *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts I love the way you handled the funeral scene with the dressed in black school very clever cover story and very nicely done. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot Very interesting plot here first we get the title that is interesting since most golf courses have 9 or 18 greens. The description tells that an older man is looking out for the younger man. I'm thinking either Daniel isn't a ghost and just goes to visit the ghost and play with them or he is a ghost and doesn't like the new golf pro. Either way it does make it interesting reading. But as for guessing your plot it is a little misleading. Ok, on short stories we use both the title and the description to determine the plot for a review. your title in a way does give away the plot once you read the story but until you do it remains a mystery which is always a good attention grabber. The description is exactly what it seems and the story supports it as well except that they are all ghosts. I really like the imagination you have shown here. A cemetery as a 19 green golf course. Ghosts play golf as if they are still living. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters You built your characters really well after all you had me believing they were real until they meet Chuck. You made him quite a character. Stealing mike's golf clubs and what he said to that bride just arriving to the cemetery. Quite a character. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting This could be present day setting. If except the getting hit by lightening if it really happened to a pro golfer then it could date it but I like it it adds to your character more other than that I thought I was on a real golf course going through a real game between a fatherly figure and a young man figure. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Conflict The meeting of the golf pro. What I don't understand is why Daniel ran away? Was Chuck his father? *CheckB*

*BulletB* Theme Normally I remove this from a short story review because plot and theme are the same in a short story. But you had a great theme going as well as your plot the description is your theme believe it or not. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Climax Once Chuck joined them and Daniel disappeared. We split off with mike chasing Daniel and Chuck continuing to play golf until it starts to rain. then in the cooling off we learn we are in a cemetery and that Chuck's new condo is his grave.*CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog *CheckB*You do really well with your dialog in both carrying on the story and making your characters believable. You did agreat job making them all live to me.

*BulletB* Presentation Every thing fit well together. You understand correct spacing and the use of great wording in this story to create a piece that I feel is worth selling. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation If there was any I sure couldn't find it. *Checkb*

The story flowed it read well it kept your attention to it until the very end. It leaves questions in your mind wanting to read more to see if both Daniel and Mike are ghosts too.

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this short story. Please keep on writing more short stories just like this!

You have received a Dragon review from the Paper Dragon Gang.


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
13
13
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi there Charlie ~ Author Icon! "Gasp!" You are being reviewed as part of the last raid weekend in G.o.T. (nothing like being set up by "The Keeper of the Realm!) I am reviewing your short story "Circuitous Fire " Open in new Window.

*BulletB* General Impressions: This is an interesting take on an old theme. I found your title interesting I did have problems understanding what you meant by it until the end of the story then the light bulb went on. It still is a good hook so no changes needed. The description is good. I found out that asking questions in our hooks isn't a good thing to do, but in your case it does add to the hook and draw the reader in for a closer look. I found that as a good general rule don't use questions unless you can get it to do what you did here. Good job on getting it to work. You got me into the story fully with the first paragraph. That is also a good job of writing as well. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts: I left his house feeling a little guilty. I just couldn't break this off right now. I needed the emotional support that I couldn't get from Ray. It wasn't about sex. Well, not all about sex anyway. I like this part as it explains why Livi is cheating on Ray. It also is the reason she doesn't feel good coming home and why the secret admirer is bring back joy to her life right now. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot: Your plot was great you did a good job on all three components of the plot. I even liked the twist at the end. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters: You know we didn't learn much about either Ray or Dean. All we really know about Livi is she is a lawyer and Dean says she is beautiful. We need a touch more information to really make this story pop. Fist off Ray needs to have some height say 5'6 inches and dark hair. Next Dean needs some height as well say 6 feet even. And dark hair as well. Livi has to have that wonderful hourglass shape all really beautiful women have and dark hair. The reason I'm going on about body features is it gives the reader the idea that she likes dark hair and helps tie the men to her. You could even could give dark hair to the baby and it will add more depth to the story. Right now they all seem shallow not quite a cardboard cut out, but close. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting: Other than the issue with transitioning between bedrooms you did well in your scenes. I could visualize where I was and what the space around the characters was with no problems. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog: I have noticed you do really well with dialog. You use it to the fullest. It helps advance the story, give plot information, and setup your scenes. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation: The first part as always you have this down pat old friend. The second part is well done, but has the shallow characters and the one transition error holding it back. *CheckB*


*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: You edit your work well the only error is listed below and it is not a grammar or word smith error it is a structure error.

First you did this: "Ray tossed and turned all night beside me, sleeping on the very edge of the bed." then you did "Dean sighed, stretching back in his bed." Now you have Livi in bed with Ray and we are now in bed with Dean. What you need to do to transition this is at the end of Livi in bed with Ray paragraph put a ~**************~ or just ~~~~~ or what ever your creative mind likes to use as a break in story there. That way you transition to a different scene and all the rest makes sense to the reader. The error is you didn't transition to Dean's bedroom from Ray's bedroom. *CheckB*

In summery I felt that the story lacked the depth of a professional piece. I showed you where in my opinion it could be improved upon to make it that professional piece. Fix those and this would be a really great story worth marketing.

You have been reviewed by a member of House Arryn! For "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window.

Thanks for sharing this short story! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading this short story.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
14
14
Review of The Sun Also Sets  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+
Hi there ♥noVember tHiNg♥ Author Icon! "Gasp!" I'm here to do a surprise review on your short story! I will be reviewing your short story "The Sun Also Sets" Open in new Window.

*BulletB* General Impressions: I found it cute and light hearted in nature even if it was a lot of bull. You sure know your famous authors. I enjoyed the fact you involved the reader in some of Hemingway's life and literature. I like how you developed your plot out and a lot of the references you used. Very creative writing. The only thing that I found was character development. It would have been better if you could have used Hooves to show us his human or "She, who must be listened to." We needed him to "flesh her out" to us the readers. Now, an interesting point is you could have used that part to make the story even more funny and interesting by pointing out to us how a cow sees a human. After all a bull would have a really different point of view on humans. Even I would love to have hooves description of himself from his point of view.(This is just my interest showing. You really don't need to "flesh out" Hooves.) *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts: She, who must be listened to, (my human) saw a movie called, "Midnight in Paris." She became obsessed with writers of the 1920's, particularly Ernest Hemingway. You don't use a lot of words here but you really say a lot and set the stage up for the rest of the story. This is a great example of plot foreshadowing and story set up all readers love to find. I like how it tells us that the lady partner of Hooves is a romantic and enjoys the famous authors work from a movie. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot: With any short story I read the title and then the description. Then I read the story to see how confused I get. The title is interesting it has that hook quality we all want for or stories. The description is good but as an author we want it as a second hook to lock our readers into reading the story. Next we want the first sentence to draw us the rest of the way into your story. I tried this trich your using as well and the reviewers shot it down in flames. However I don't shoot peoples work so I'll just tell you that start it with some action like Hooves bulking at entering this weird looking really weird smelling machine. Then put your story start just as you have written it. Now bachk to the description. I think something like "The bull in the Past" or "The Bull Meets Hemingway." Just some food for thought. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters: The reader needs a bit more characterization on the female character.Your showing us Hooves interest but no reader appeal for her. We would like to see what she looked like as in tall, short, fat, slim, hourglass figure, hair color as in does it match Hooves fur coat? facial features is she pretty or an old witch? The best part is to have Hooves tell us from the animal's point of view. I think if you did that what creative writing opportunity to have some real fun *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting: You did an excellent job setting up your scenes for us using the research the characters did. Very creative good job. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog: The dialog was really well done you used it to show hooves feeling on bull fights. You progressed the story and the plot with it quite well. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation: Now presentation has two parts. The first part is: How well does the author show off their text body to the reader? You do this really well with good usage of line spacing and with short paragraphs. It really makes your story an easy read. The second part of presentation is: How well does the author present the subject to the reader. Your writing is excellent, your word choice and descriptions read well as a story. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: Your writing is so good that if there was any errors my mind would fill in for you and I would never see it. What I am trying to say is there are no errors I can read in this story. *CheckB*

I like the story. But it does feel like it is ready to publish just yet. I feel it does need a little more polish. It is close to being ready to publish. I'm thinking if you filled in the lady with Hooves, it would be the finishing touches it needs to be ready.

You are being reviewed by a member of House Arryn! For "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window.

Thanks for sharing this short story! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading this short story.

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15
15
Review of The Curse  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there ! "Gasp!" You are being reviewed! I am reviewing your short story {bitem:}

*BulletB* General Impressions: Interesting story you have written. You hooked in the first sentence then dropped me out of it with the second sentence. You rehooked me for the rest of the story. You only had two parts that drop the reader going "what the heck." Not bad the best way to catch them is to read it out loud to yourself. I always wait until everyone is gone before I read out loud. After all who wants to feel silly when someone catches us talking to our selves. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts: He blanketed the town with infringement spell once more. Satisfied that he would be alerted to any crime taking place in any corner of the town, Ahantan devoted his last day in Sagalapuram to identify the man who saved him. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot: Very interesting plot. It is kind of subtle but all the components are there. In short stories how a reviewer tells the plot is by looking at the title and the description. We then read the story to see how confused we get. Also the title and the description are your first selling points of your story. You want them both to be a hook for the reader, publisher and agent. Your title is great but the description needs work. Since the plot is to get rid of the curse it has a subtle build up then the major confrontation with the man that saved his life. and the cooling down period where he saves the sick daughter. Very nicely done! *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters: I liked your characters you didn't over populate the story and you used a few for scenes like the hospital great usage there the nurse was only a prop but you felt she was a person as well as the main. Really good writing on your characters. I didn't ever feel you were using cardboard cutouts. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting: I liked the way you described the scenes and how you left a lot up to the reader to fill in with their own imagery. This is good writing nothing was over described, no repetition. You transitioned well between your scenes. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog: You used your dialog well to advance the story and push forward your plot. Very nicely done. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation: Presentation has two parts. The first part is: How well does the author present the text body to the reader? You did this really well with the use of line spacing in all the right places your story breaks from the different scenes. It looked like a professional wrote this. The second part is: How well does the author present the subject matter to the reader? Other than two errors it read well had great reader attraction and flowed. Your word choices and the scene breaks were really well placed Very nice job on this. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation:
He flew few feet away from the truck and banged his head against the nearby lamppost. <--- Insert an "a" between flew and few and it will read a lot smoother and not stop the reader with a what the heck is this.

He ordered many unusual dishes of Sagalapuram for his last dinner in this flamboyant town. <--- This reads weird the way the sentence is constructed it makes the reader think that he ordered dishes of the city name Sagalapuram.

In conclusion I found your world of magicians very interesting I am looking forward to reading more of your world. Your story also does leave the reader wanting more. This is also a sign of great writing I'm still working on that party myself. Please remember this is your story and these are only one persons opinions take what you can use or drop it all. After all it is your story not mine.*CheckB*


You are being reviewed by a member of House Arryn! For "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window.

Thanks for sharing this short story! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this short story.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
16
16
Review of DOMINO EFFECT  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi there Donkey Hoetay Author Icon! "Gasp!" You are being reviewed! I am reviewing your short story
DOMINO EFFECT Open in new Window. (18+)
An old man tries to settle a score
#2040567 by Donkey Hoetay Author IconMail Icon


*BulletB* General Impressions: I liked the story you wrote. It didn't start getting interesting until the house break in. I had to come back to it several time because the first sentence doesn't grab the read and keep them there until the end. On a short story this is critical. This is the only chance you get with a publisher looking for things to publish. They look for title, description and first sentence. Your title is great but your description needs a little work. Remember it is one of the major selling points of any story you want it to pull readers in as well as the first sentence. Once we got to the break in things really picked up and it all went well.*CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts: "You are here because I am a fisherman. I am good at it in the sea and I am good at it on land. You just have to know what kind of bait to use. Look over there on the table Vernon. Is that what you break into my house for?" asked Miah. The reason I like this is the way you used the dialog to tell us why Twig was tempted to break in. It also has really good reader attraction to keep us reading more. We want to see why he is "fishing" men. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot: On short stories to determine the plot we read the title then the description from those we read the story to see how confused we get. I at no time was confused about the plot you did an excellent job with all three. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters: I enjoyed the cast and crew you set up at first i wondered what part did the dog play until I realized it was part of the scene and nothing more. Scotty really does add to the scene. I liked how you kept your cast to what was needed this really enhanced your story. I felt your characters were real and not cardboard cutouts. You did a really good job with this part. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting: You transitioned your scenes well and you gave us enough to paint in your scenes really good imagery. You didn't over describe them of force things on the reader. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog: You did your dialog well I just wish it wasn't all ran together it makes it easy for a reader to loose their place and have to go back and reread to find what they missed. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation: Presentation has two parts. The first part is: How well does the author display the body of his text to the reader? You really need to use line spaces after the paragraphs and space the dialog. When reviewers see such a mass of text and not much spacing they tend to go find something else to review. The second part is: How well does the author present the subject matter to the reader? I only found two errors in this that dropped the reader out of the story. The rest was really well written. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation:
"Or you will do what...Tell everyone that you got beat up by an old man after you break in is house? Shouldn't that read "his" instead of "is"?

You had one other mistake but I cannot locate it again. The reason is my mind keeps filling in so I keep missing it. It is somewhere before the ending scene I think. Other than that I enjoyed the story. It is a well though out plot, with really good characters, and a great back story with the wife and sister. I would be willing to help you fix it and review it again and change my rating. *CheckB*

You are being reviewed by a member of House Arryn! For "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window.

Thanks for sharing this short story! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this short story.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
17
17
Review of Happy Family  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi there chaimaeagrirane Author Icon! "Gasp!" You are being reviewed! I am reviewing your short story "Happy Family" Open in new Window.

*BulletB* General Impressions: You tell of a tale of two children. Every one loves to read about children. However your story reads like something translated from a foreign language. More like English is a second language. This is fine the problem is in the translation it doesn't flow and is missing words and some of them didn't translate correctly. One of the best ways to solve this issue is to read it in English out loud to yourself. I try to do this too, especially when no one is around, after all no one likes to look silly talking to themselves. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts: Alice interrupted him and said: hi beautiful lady, he don't speak yet, I'm Alice and he's Jay, I'm 8 and he's 3, what's your name beautiful lady? The reason I like this part is it reminds of the way Chinese people interact with each other. They are always very polite and show good manners. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot: In this story I feel the plot is how orphans find a family. It does have all the components of a good plot You did a good job with this part of your writing. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters: We met Alice, Jay, Caroline and Oden. Since the story was short you didn't really build up your characters you left a lot to the reader to fill in. Sometimes if done right this works out really well. With all the errors in the story it made it hard for this to work. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting: I feel you did your scenes well. How ever with the way the story flowed from a reader point of view we were constantly forced to stop and go "what the heck!" That the imagery didn't get a good chance to work its magic for me. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog: You did well here using it to advance the story and your plot. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation: Presentation has two parts. The first part is: How well does the author present the text body to the reader? You need to always use line spacing after every paragraph. The reason we do this is to give the eyes a natural rest break. No spacing causes people to take one look and go find something else to read. The second part is: How well did the author present the subject matter to the reader? You did okay, but it would have been better if you didn't leave out words. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation:
She is cute and adorableX,<--- (You don't need the extra space in front of the comma.) she likes cats and colorful birds, <---(You always need a comma before "but.") but she was most of the time sad<---(If you put sad after "She was" instead it makes much more sense.) because she recently lost her parents in a car accident.

Her small was miserable; they didn't eat for days sometimes. <--- "her small" what? As a suggestion I would recommend "tummy."

Usually, they survived thanks to some pieces of bread that they hardly find. <--- It should read "They worked hard to find."

At her big castle, they met her husband Oden. Oxen <--- Who is Oxen shouldn't that be Oden? said: "well<--- You need to capitalize the "W" in "well.", they can stay with us if they have a place where to spend the rest of their lives."

These are examples of the most common mistakes in your writing. There are a lot more I didn't show. This story has a lot of potential. Think of the places in it that you as a reader (not an author) would want to learn more about the character or place. Now that you found the place edit your story and add in the details your reader wanted. This is part of what all of us do in our editing mode. Next always take a break from the writing say a day or two then come back and reread it again from start to finish. This will help you catch the simple mistakes we all make in writing any story or poem. *CheckB*



You are being reviewed by a member of House Arryn! For "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window.

Thanks for sharing this short story! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this short story.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
18
18
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there Bumblebee Author Icon! "Gasp!" You are being reviewed! I am reviewing your short story
 
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crisis and mystery  Open in new Window. (E)
100 word document for a contest
#2045319 by Bumblebee Author IconMail Icon


*BulletB* General Impressions: Since this is a contest entry I understand the word limitation and the challenge. i thought you did well with your entry. However there is always room for improvement. Remember all short stories begin with a build up, a major conflict, and a cooling off period. The other thing that even I have problems with is show versus tell. You told this more then show us. I know with some different word choices you can do this better. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts: I screamed in rage, Smokescreen howling in unison. The reason I like this is your trying to show us the emotion of the moment and you succeeded.*CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot: You started us right in the middle of the action instead you should have told us how the pup was stolen them the chase and caging then Smokescreen licking her recovered pup as the ending that way you have all three components of the plot where as we are in the middle of the confrontation with no build up and no gentle ease of the conflict. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters: You didn't name the main character or give any information however you named the secondary. You did give us a few clues with mentioning they were water people. This part is okay after all it is a word limited contest entry the name would have been a great added touch but it is fine the way it is. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting: You do confuse the reader with "They all jumped into the river." Okay so our heroes jumped into the river. What did the thief do? Did he jump in or run along the river bank or head inland away from the people chasing him? That part does confuse the reader.*CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog: You didn't use any. However you did show a thought you need to point this out in a way it stands out. Some writers use stars in front an d back. The most common way is to use italics being new to WDC you may not know how to use the markup language to due this. The commands to do it look like this: {i} cage him with water{/i} Now a good way to show this action would be to say I projected this to Smokescreen, instead of I called. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation: Presentation has two parts. The first part is: How well does the author present his text body to the reader? For a hundred words you did well on this part. The second part is: How well does the author present his subject matter to the reader. You did well, but you could do a lot better with some different word choices. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: I'm not going to drag out each sentence to show you, that you need to capitalize the beginning of several sentences. I discussed the use of italics on thoughts. In the sentence I used as my favorite you need to change tenses on howling to howled. The rest was done really well you know your punctuation. I believe if you will go back over this and read it out loud you will be able to create a winner with this entry. That is the trick I use to catch and find my errors in short, short stories. However I get lazy on anything over 2,000 words. *CheckB*

You are being reviewed by a member of House Arryn! For "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window.

Thanks for sharing this short story! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this short story.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
19
19
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
"Gasp!" You are being reviewed!

Dear 🌕 HuntersMoon Author IconMail Icon
I am reviewing your "The Council of Seven" Open in new Window. as a "PDG Rockin' Dragon Review." These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

"Offering quality, helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Impressions I Like your sense of humor making a parody of "Snow White" that is a good one. It was fun to read it to be honest it doesn't have that redy to be published feel yet. It is well written and has reader appeal. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts It was after midnight and the Nevada desert was empty except for an abundance of stars and the occasional billboard. She saw the big UFO cutout looming in her high beams. [Area 51, 85 miles. Next turn.] Such foolishness! she scoffed. How appropriate lets blame it on the Aliens. I'm still laughing at the imagination of it all. You were right I would like this it fits my sense of humor. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot At last I finally figured out why it didn't seem right for publishing. your plot is weak in the the way your telling it. The build up is light and not serious. then there isn't much of a climax to it and the ending falls flat. Funny, but still flat. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters You did a great job with your characters. those were very believable. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting Your scenes were really well done I had no problem picturing it all in my mind. Even the fact she had switched over to a cartoon scene. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Conflict There really wasn't a lot of conflict in the story. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Theme The twist on Snow White in a present day setting. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Climax The climax to me was when she met the seven dwarves. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog You used your dialog well and advanced the plot and the characters with it. Very nicely done. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation Presentation has two parts. The first part is how well does the author present his work to the reader? You did really good on this part. The second part is how well did the author present the subject matter to the reader. Your writing was excellent and flowed well and you used great word choices. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation
I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor, but it is true!)*CheckB*

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have received a Dragon review from the Paper Dragon Gang.


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
20
20
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Ben Crawford Author IconMail Icon
I am reviewing your "Unbound Words: Chapter 1 - Kenton the Ne" Open in new Window.. These are my observations about your work.

"Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Comments & Reader Reaction Wow, much better read this time you did an amazing job on rewriting this. You only get two chances at recognition on these and that is title and description. They both have to be a hook to grab the editor and agent looking for talent. Title to me should be "Unbound Words" you need to drop ":Chapter 1." The description should be a hook for the whole book not a chapter description. Most novels don't have chapter descriptions for a good reason. (No one will want to read it, us readers are lazy if you have chapter descriptions we can read them and move on to the next book.) The last point is you built in more reader attraction but there was no motive to continue reading on to the next chapter. you haven't built in that great of reader attraction just yet. You need a cliff hanger at the end when Torin leaves. You could have him hear some one in distress and end chapter right there. In the next chapter we find out it was a practical joke between two students. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot & Pace I don't expect to find plot components in the first three or four chapters because those are reserved to introduce us to your characters and cast of your novel. The pace was excellent it read well and flowed and went fast. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters Now as I was reading the first section I kept waiting to see the rider would open the drive chat window and tell the driver to back up he missed one! If would be funny and it would show that he has a sense of humor as well as a short temper. You did a great job on your characters they are very believable to me the reader. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting & Imagery Your doing the setting and imagery just fine not too much and just enough. As a tip to easier writing, since a lot of scenes take place in several rooms in the school and the hotel as well as a few places around the town I would map those out have some not used much character give him a tour of just those places *CheckB*

*BulletB* Themes So far the major theme is magic. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Emotion, Mood & Atmosphere Kenton is feeling fear of rejection and insecurity. The rest are insecure as well. The mood is anticipation, how is the new head master going to act? The atmosphere is one of insecurity in all characters. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Structure & Consistency Since you cleaned up all the errors and it reads well there are no consistency errors. and there are no structure errors. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Writing Style & Grammar I have nothing that stands out as a distinct style other than the whole chapter. For grammar:
I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas, no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor, but it is true!) *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Lines "Well, he is the head archivist for the school library, and he is rather good at that, but other than his work there we are not sure what he spends his time doing." Your starting to build reader attraction to Torin with this statement. Very nicely done. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Overall Impression & Conclusion: The chapter is structored better and no grammar errors. You cleared up the info dumps and left more to our imagination. This is ready as a chapter, just fix the title and description and it will be a 5 star. *CheckB*

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your book *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your Book. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading this chapter. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a Dragon member of Paper Doll , Dawg, And Dragon Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, Blog City, And Art of Criticism.


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
21
21
Review of Firing Squad  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
"Gasp!" You are being reviewed for your shower from Showering Acts of Joy.

Dear A.M.Issy Author IconMail Icon,

I am reviewing your "Firing Squad" Open in new Window. story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. These are my observations about your work.


"Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Impressions I wanted to tell you a few things about the story I just read. One, I didn't see any grammar errors which really made me wonder why is this story getting a lot of 3.5's. It was really well written and it even had a plot twist at the end. I guess I can see why some people would confuse it with no plot. But actually it has a great plot if you read between the lines a little. I know, I love plot twists and red herrings. You actually did a great job on this story. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts Imagine his shock when the first piece of mail he picks up was an Introduction Letter to the new accountant, Mrs. Marge-Piston. That was a master piece of plot twisting. Loved the way you rubbed the fact in his face. All this time she told him what she was doing and warned him of the danger. Yet his male ego allowed her to one up him very nicely done. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot You know the way to determine plot is by the title plus the description. The title can be a little misleading until you find the plot twist then it makes sense. then you read the story to see how confused you get. The interesting thing is this story has the starting conflict then the conflict and then the twisted ending or smoothing down part. It has all the components of a good short story. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters You only really involved the reader with two main characters We never get to know the man's name or title. We did get the lady's name. It seemed fitting to be honest. You mentioned two more characters the concierge and the boss. The reader never gets to meet them they are just props and honestly I didn't find fault with that at all. I feel you did a great job with the wordage you used to bring them to life enough that the reader was interested in them to keep reading. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting Ah yes the elevator. I loved how you used it as well as the office cubes and the street. I didn't have problems with your setting, scenery or images. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Pace This was a fast read. To be honest the way it is written now it was a cute fun story about a lady out foxing a man. Since they do it on such a regular basis it isn't a new thing, but I liked the way you told it. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog I liked the third person point of view story telling you did. Since the story is a conversation between the reader and the story teller it could be consider all dialog. But the story itself contained no actual dialog. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation Presentation has two parts. The first part is how well did the author present their text body to the reader? You did a great job there not too long paragraphs with line spacing between each paragraph. The second part is how well does the author present their subject to the reader. Again you did an excellent job. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation
I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas, no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor, but it is true!) *CheckB*

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

This review is part of your *Waterdrop*shower*Waterdrop* from *UmbrellaB**RainbowL*Showering Acts of Joy*RainbowR**UmbrellaB*.


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
22
22
Review of Chapter One  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
"Gasp!" You are being reviewed For Showering Acts of Joy! Dear Cupadraig~The Remote Country Author IconMail Icon,

I am reviewing your "Chapter One" Open in new Window. story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. These are my observations about your work.


"Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Impressions A contest judge told me when I was leaving notes in my titles and descriptions. on this site we only get two chances to impress a agent or publisher. The title and the description put your notes in the item either before the title or after it. You want both your title and your description to be hooks to draw them in especially readers and professionals. Your title is great, but put chapter one in the story body and not in your title. Also give your chapter a name again make it a hook. Now that I told you this. Your story is well told still hard reading at times but other wise it flowed and was a good fast read. After the second or third paragraph it pulled me in and I read the whole thing. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts We only meant…” His voice faltered as he suddenly realized Bradan was standing behind his father. Not only was he here but also he was clean, dry and in fine clothes. I loved this part it pulled a good one on his brother who from this example is not going to be a good ruler. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot Plot on books normally take two to four chapters to get all the back story out of the way and you start to see the main plot start in. I'm not sure but with your description and title I can guess that the Arch-Druid Lollan or is it Iollon not really sure of the spelling on it. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters Your doing a great job on your characterization. In fact they are what pulled me into the story. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Imagery and Scenery You are doing a great job there it was just enough to help me out. I did have a moment with the board in the stable. I thought he was going under the stable not out side it but you cleared it up. when you show that he brushes away the straw we the reader automatically think of floor. Not side wall not sure it is worth fixing just letting you know about it is all. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog Your using your dialog well it progress the story and adds to the known information. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation Presentation has two parts. The first part is how well does the author present his body of text to the reader? Part of good writing is the use of line spaces and short paragraphs. The reason I bring this up is I'm elder and my eyes need the rest breaks the line spacing gives. Also the same on your paragraphs both young and old need the eye rest else we grow tired and will put the story down and not read it again. I applaud you for the use of indents. As a help from one writer to another if you do this it is easier {indent} you just type it in once then copy it and just go down your writing and insert as needed. The second part of presentation is how well does the author present the subject to the reader? *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation
I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas, no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor, but it is true!) *CheckB*

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

This review is part of your *Waterdrop*shower*Waterdrop* from *UmbrellaB**RainbowL*Showering Acts of Joy*RainbowR**UmbrellaB*.


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
23
23
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear gingergee Author IconMail Icon
I am reviewing your "Not as Things Seem" Open in new Window.. These are my observations about your work.

"Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Comments & Reader Reaction First off if there is any grammar issues, the reader didn't find them. Nor did my editor mode either, however your description really needs work and it needs to be a hook. Your starting hook to grab the reader isn't working. I realize it was a good idea, but you spent too much time on description. If you started it with the argument as all action is a huge draw for readers. You started to build reader attention with the argument. Then you left us with the cliff hanger of who is this guy Alex bumped into.*CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot & Pace As a starting point for figuring out plot is we read the title and the description then look for the bits and pieces in each chapter. On book chapters sometimes they don't contain plot clues especially the first three. Mostly they are used to fill in the back ground. Now two points I think you need to know. 1. Your title has to be a hook for the book not one chapter. 2. Don't use the description for one chapter. Use it as a hook for the book. Every chapter would have the same description. When agents or publishers scan the sight for new work to print those are the only two chances you get for them to read your work. The Pace is a different story it read well and fast. You had no grammar errors to stop the reader you did an excellent job with the pace for this chapter. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters Daddy, Henry, and Alex so far are who you have introduced the reader to. You have built Alex up more then the other two. Since your using third person restricted right now. Daddy is a rich powerful man with secrets. Henry is a male chauvinistic pig. Alex seems like a nice pampered daddy's girl. This is what the reader sees. The interesting thing is you have the whole rest of the book to develop them out in. My point here is so far we know that Alex isn't a follower She detests even the thought of it. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting & Imagery Setting at fist we don't have a clue where we are. Just some party with drinking and the building fight with Alex and Henry. We don't figure it out until the end when Alex goes to her room. At the beginning if you would add the party at home idea to us it makes transitions to the party setting more easier then trying to figure out who, what, where, and when. You know I really don't see most modern day women reacting like Alex did until you pointed to us the fact her boy friend and father had no faith in her. Now your imagery makes sense. A trick here is to place yourself into your character and describe her feelings in more of a show me not tell me situation. For instance you could use Henry to show them to the reader. Example: Henry watched as his last statement wrinkled up Alex's soft blue eyes and from that expression he felt in his gut he had crossed the boundary with her. My other point here is to the reader Alex is just a young woman no hair color, no eye color, is she beautiful, ugly, fat, slim, tall, or short? She is not something the reader can grasp yet and like or love. You need to use your characters eyes to show us the characters that are going to play major rolls in your story. After all that is what makes up a great story. This is the best way to set up your imagery on your scenes you did the airport scene just fine. A suggestion would be to use both Alex and Henry to describe the house and each other as well as daddy. That way the reader can bond with them and it really build up better reader attraction to the rest of the book. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Themes So far the main theme the reader sees is woman's lib. Now understand that the theme will change per chapter and there can be more then one theme. To make it work you need to figure out what the books theme is that you want. Then in every chapter you place something a character does or says that keeps the main theme alive. I looked at your genre choices and they only tell me it is fan fiction. That's cool but of what? Mystery, romance, or religious? In some genre the story is the theme like sci-fi or Horror. But in others like religion you have to keep showing the faith in God in every chapter or you loose the underlying theme. If your theme is love of god. I wrote in one of my sci-fi thrillers that the humans worshiped a computer named God and once he figured it out he stopped talking to the humans. I do poke fun at religion. After all God does have a sense of humor, he created us. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Emotion, Mood & Atmosphere The emotions were mostly Alex she was upset over Henry's attitude of her and also that of her father. Henry had that smug emotion I know more then you do so pay attention to my roar. The mood was set very well we don't know the mood of the party or of daddy as he was just a glance. The atmosphere was there is a storm brewing by the name of Alex. I'm just showing you what both the writer and the reader see in this first chapter. It's not really bad nor is it great it is just a start of your book. It does have some good components in it to keep reader attention *CheckB*

*BulletB* Structure & Consistency You did really well in the story structure. The scenes need a little tweaking but they still are workable but not rich in details yet. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Writing Style & Grammar
I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas, no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor, but it is true!) *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Lines “That’s where you’re wrong.” He smiled. “He has as much as told me what I’ve just shared with you.” Before she could answer, he leaned over to whisper into her ear, “And, once I finally get into those pants of yours…” His implied meaning made her want to gag. For the first time since she’d known him, she was grateful she hadn’t given into his advances. Her rage made her want to deck him right where he stood. “You’ll be grateful I’m the one in charge.” I like this part of how your showing Henry's pig side to Alex. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Overall Impression & Conclusion: I know I showed you a lot of what both my reader and writer found that could help you out. I still feel like you do. The only way I can improve my writing is by someone being honest and pointing out my mistakes. I hate vagueness like "I couldn't finish it because of all the grammar errors." To me that is a cop out on doing the work of reviewing. If I have found any errors I point them out with suggestions just as I would want it done for me. What I really think about your chapter is this. It is a great start. The flashing back at the airport doesn't really work as a hook for me. (Please remember I'm only one person or reader so take this with a grain of salt.) The rest of the story went well it was a quick read it wasn't boring, and the further I got in it, the more I did want to keep turning the page to read more. It could use some filler to introduce us to the main story line characters is all I see lacking. The rest really is fine you did a pretty good job on this all in all. *CheckB*

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your book *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your Book. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading this chapter. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a Dragon member of Paper Doll , Dawg, And Dragon Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, Blog City, And Art of Criticism.


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
24
24
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi there Geoff Author Icon! "Gasp!" We are here to welcome you to Blog City! Today I am reviewing "What Time Was That?" Open in new Window. for you blog
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BOOK
IMPROMPTU PROMPTED BLOGGERISH Open in new Window. (13+)
Now a residence for BC and BCOF items. Random bloggisness wil apear in POTPOURRI.
#2003271 by Geoff Author IconMail Icon


*BulletB* General Impressions I like your take on things you only have me beat by two years on life. I noticed you do poetry well you will get along well with the rest of the site. We have some really great aspiring poets here you will fit right in. Me When I write poetry it is always in humor. I mostly write novels and short stories. I feel you are going to enjoy our blogging community. Also once you realize that blogging is a form of writing practice and like anything the more you practice the more you become good at it. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Entries I really liked "Tme To Die?" Open in new Window. I have a different point of view on it. But I'll debate that with you another day. Your concept of death is very interesting I was thing of writing a series on what happens when we die and just where and what is heaven? Since it is a new and radical idea I'll keep it to myself until I finish my current series I am writing. You seem very interested in time. In truth if I have more time to get things done I would end up sleeping more often then I do now. I came to conclusion I don't need more time I just need to manage the time I have better. I like your points on trying to name your blog but it also reminds of the guy who named his dog "Dog" because that was what it was. Sometimes not being creative is being creative. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Theme or Over all Feeling I get the feeling you are fascinated with time. That's cool we all have something that interests us even more normal things. Mine is dragons and spaceships. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Enhancements I noticed you are starting to use emoticons this is good in blogs. Lets face it text is always cold when your talking to someone. Emoticons help convey your smile or feelings to avoid the coldness of plain text. Good job if you ever want help using Writing ML I am fairly good with it as I used to write online games in it for the old bulletin board systems it is Pascal so I understand it really well. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Activity I noticed you are starting out like I did which is great. I still only write to the prompts my muse likes and can form a twist to it. You are yourself and as you stated in one of your blogs no one knows your mind. Once you figure out blogging and the why we do it in a way you want to join in the fun and creativity. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation Presentation has two parts. The first part is how well does the author present his text body to the reader? You do use line spacing well and you keep your blogs readable to any viewer. Very nicely done. The second part is how well does the author present his subject to the reader. You bring a fresh new voice with deep thinking to our community. I hope you will continue sharing with us. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation
I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas, no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor, but it is true!) *CheckB*

*BulletB* Summery Thank you for allowing me to get to know you in your blogs. I enjoyed your thoughts, views, and opinions on life, time, and bigots. *CheckB*

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your blog *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your blog. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing your Blog! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading your blogs. Please keep on writing more blog entries just like this one!

This is a review from The Blog City Welcoming Committee
at *RainbowL* beautiful "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" Open in new Window. *RainbowR*.



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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Ben Crawford Author IconMail Icon
I am reviewing your "Unbound Words: Chapter 1 - Kenton the Ne" Open in new Window.. These are my observations about your work.

"Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Comments & Reader Reaction I like your story and I am very interested in reading your book on this story line. Okay I wasn't expecting your opening but it rubbed me the wrong way. It took me a few minutes to figure it out. It doesn't fit the story. Here allow me to explain. Your damning something to the Christian god's version of hell. You know the fire and brimstone one. In this reality you created Christianity doesn't fit. Now if you changed out the word hell for the "Seven Dungeons of Acass" or some made up name it would fit your world. Other then that you did well. There were one or two other spots that were trying to draw me out of the story. You did such a great job of reader draw that I cannot find them now. Nicely done. To me you sparked my interest in the first sentence baring the wrong god. It kept me glued to the story until the end. You built up a lot of reader interest so the cliffhanger at the end isn't needed, but still I was expecting one. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot & Pace Now with books I don't start looking for plot until after the first three chapters. I saw several mysteries that might work into the main plot but only time will tell. The pace was great it flowed and then it ended. Dang it now I have to wait for the second chapter. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters You are doing great with character build up but my main burning question is why when the blew up his jacket we could finally see his grey pants? Didn't they stick out already? Now the shirt and tie I could picture that.(Blyth) Now my next point is why did we need to know this? It's like a ladies purse we all know what is in a ladies purse so we don't need an info dump on the contents. What we need is things that advance the plot. Like the lady needed to go to L.A. So she had two plane tickets to L.A. in it. Remember also you have a whole book to do detailed character descriptions one little quirk at a time. For the most part you did an excellent job of introducing the reader to your main and supporting crew. You made all of them very interesting. That alone is part of the draw you have put into your writing to get us to turn the page on to the next chapter. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting & Imagery I enjoyed your carriage scene it was very believable. the school is going to be quite the challenge for transitioning. May I suggest you take on a grand tour of only those places your going to be using so we can map it out in out minds then when you want to move to the physics class room. You just say going to physics and me and the reader will know where and what it looks like. This will save a lot of time and word usage. Then you don't spend a lot time over scenes each time you change your action scenes. your really trying to build up in the readers mind the image of your school which is fine and your doing it in a way that is not an info dump. My only question is why such detail if it has nothing to do with the plot? I will give you this it does add to the reader attraction as to why such detail at the start are they going to blow it up or what? *CheckB*

*BulletB* Themes Right now the theme I see is the new head master is taking pride in his Hob and the school he is willing to do what it takes to make it all work. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Emotion, Mood & Atmosphere I see the fear of meeting new people as their leader and getting things done. You are running a mood and atmosphere of mystery which is really well done I enjoyed it in this first chapter. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Structure & Consistency Your story structure is consistent as are your cast of characters. Your doing a great Job of writing it. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Writing Style & Grammar

He knew this trip had been even rougher these men then it was for him, but all these bumps are making it hard to work. You are missing a word between these words it give an unclear sentence. I was so engrossed in the story when I read it the first time that I automatically fill it in for you and continued on with the story. Now I suggest either 'for' or 'on' to place between 'rougher these.' *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Lines If you are wise you will not trust a word I say because I am yet unknown to you. If you continue to read this letter then you are either more trusting than I expected or more curious. The reason I like this is: One your adding more mystery now the reader is trying to figure out who sent it. Second the reader can't help but play along. I was thinking it was either Blyth or Torin. Personally I favor Torin more as it falls in his character you have described so far. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Overall Impression & Conclusion: I really like what your doing here. I loved your main character's bath and what great introduction to his style of magic. I really like the story line and I like your style of writing. There are two things I would like to suggest you change. First off to a contest judge, publisher, or agent looking for new clients. You only get two chances to grab their attention. Your title and your description. Remember the way to determine plot for a short story? You read the title, then the description, then the story to see how confused you get. The same is true for a book, novel or novella. What I recommend is the title is fine just drop the chapter one part. Next Make your description a hook, your title already is. Now in the text body right before you start you story put the chapter 1 part. Now if you have notes to reviewers or such stick them above the title. When or if you ever get an upgraded account I'll show you how to do a book entry and keep each chapter separate. But for now change the title and do your best hook for the description for the whole book. We don't need a chapter description. *CheckB*

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your book *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your Book. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading this chapter. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a proud Dragon member of the Paper Doll, Dawgs, and Dragon Gang.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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