Thank you for this sweet post. As a musician and a writer, I can see that this poetic verse is better understood with the music. I would be interested to see the chord changes. Love songs are the best and I have written perhaps 6 or 7 over the years. I wrote one once for a woman I loved and lost...perhaps like you. Played it only once and she was gone.I enjoy this Keep up the good work. BEAR
Thank you this post. This was a powerful short story; the realism crystal clear. IT might have well been a report from one of those California fires in fact. A very nice read. I am no expert so take my critique with a grain of salt. There are some parts that seemed unnecessary; such as :
" His girlfriend, Lucy, thought for a second or two before answering. “Are you sure it’s safe to drive so close?” she finally asked " she finally asked seems to be out of place. The fact that it is a question, need not be explained. You might want to reread your piece slowly or out loud and think about it. At least that was some suggestion I have had in others reviewing my items. But a great story none the less. Tragic! but Great. BEAR
Hello Joy, and a joy it tis to review this ditty. I loved the visual I received while reading. I have fond memories of my grandfather as well and God knows have had those fears many a night.
Your verse flow very well. I am not very lettered to make suggestions other than I liked it. I would however have loved if it were longer and more telling and grandfather and you. I have a love of the sea and my ancestors were seamen so I would have liked to hear of his journeys which he no doubt would have unraveled from time to time with you. The ending made for perfection in that the scene returned to the table. I can only wonder what those letters contained. Thank you for your writing. I will look at more soon when I can get things stable again. Your portfolio has a wealth that I certainly will not pass by. BEAR
GOOD MORNING, AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR POST. I FOUND THIS TO BE A RICH LESSON; ONE IN WHICH I WILL TRY TO APPLY IN MY LIFE. I AM NOT AN EXPERT SO TAKE WHAT I SUGGEST WITH A GRAIN OF SALT. THERE ARE A FEW THINGS I THINK MIGHT NEED CONSIDERATION.
It is not the cockroach, but the inability of the ladies to handle the disturbance caused by the cockroach that disturbed the ladies. I BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE REPEATING THOUGHTS HERE BY RESTATING DISTURBED ALONG WITH DISTURBANCE . ALSO PUNTUATION NEEDS SOME ATTENTION. OTHERWISE A NICE PIECE AND LESSON. THANKS bear.............
Thank you for posting this. I enjoyed the subject as it reminded me of getting old. Some of the verse could be reworded and rhymn improved, but as I am no expert and my eyes waning. My pea sized brain fails me also at times. And like this bird, I never give up trying. Wonderful and enjoyable. BEAR
Dear writer. The words you penned deepen many of mine also. In life we make so many mistakes. But those of the heart are mistakes we carry forever. As I read your poem over and over .(literally) I could find even more depth each time. I even wished it was the one I lost penning her feelings toward me. Wishing all so much it was the truth. Perhaps in writing this you hoped deep down that somehow some way, these words will reach the one you have poured your heart out here. I wish not was true for you and I also.
Writing is what keeps memories alive. Though it may make us cry, there are so many reasons to smile. I have lost someone so dear to me it hurts very day. But when I think of her touch, her smiles, the smell of her hair and the beautiful things that I will always adore about her. I know despite she is gone...in my heart she is always there.
When you wrote " But in my heart you do reside" I could relate all so much. Sorrow and sadness for lost love will always produce a beauty in words. Yours here are just that BEAR
Thank you for this post. For now I can only say wow!! I was so captured by the characters and the beginings of first loves and the awkwardness of it all. It was so perfectly portrayed here. I was both Tom and Sarah and the drama that ended this was so overwhelming to me. I had not expected it although when you hinted It would a christmas they would never see, I immediately did not want to read the ending. I wanted these two characters to play out their newly found romance into eternity. It was so touching and moving. Then the reality of what we have all witnessed ourselves over past years of news reports similiar to what this story ended as.
Even to the last scene When Sarah could not whisper back her love I somehow wanted so badly for this to all go away and have a happy ending. Very powerful and emotional to say the least. It brought back fond memories as well as harsh realities to me. Thank you again S A Gibbins
Thank you for your post. It was a piece that brough back fond memories of my Kestrel that I raised and how once realised he would come to me by just a whistle. Birds of prey are so magnifacent and I have also witnessed peregrines stoop like a bullet at prey, snatching them in mid air and retrieving them on the ground where they became a meal.
I enjoyed this freeform poetry very much and I will look forward to reading more of your work another time . S A Gibbins
Hello. I would like to say that your rebuttal is well sounded. I happen to feel that this site is a blessing and if the comment that got the hair on the back of your neck has not sudsided, then let me give you reason. I stumbled literally onto your site 2 years ago. So be the same token you could say I started when this person did. When I first joined I took advantage of the free posting because I was not sure of putting my things in public view. I have written since I was 14 and now...well I'm old. I always loved my stuff but never and I mean , never.. let anyone one see it, until I started here. I can't thank the tousands of people on here enough as well as your heartfelt desire to start this site to begin with, becasue I have gained more then any amount I have paid into it, and by the way if it weren't for the fact that I am unemployed, I would buy tons of GP. Why??? Because the more GP I can offer the more feedback I can get and that is what I want and need.
Anyway, I've been here two years. I have posted 107 items and have hundreds more if can just stop writing, but then again that will not happen. I have created 8 children's stories; 4 of which are posted, a bunch of short stories and lots more.....but...the other thing is this. I finished my first novel, I have recently had published two articles in two different venues, and most of all, I am on fire. The confidence I lacked all these years I gained here and the results show.
So let the hair sttle back down, let the unappreciative run their collective mouths and go their way. But they should read things like. WRITER DIGEST and they will see this is one of the best damn sites on the planet. So they can keep their 20 or 40 bucks. I say leave and give me more room. Thank you for letting me rant. You have a great day and thank for all the FREE stuff here. I used to tell people I'll be famous when I'm gone. Thanks to this site I just might make it before that. S A Gibbins
Thank you for your post. I am reviewing you since you are featured. I liked this poem of free form. At first I thought I was reading about actual cats but see that you are embroidering them . Not sure if I spelled that right. Hey I'm a guy! The only thing I see that I might change is the word colour which is defined as: a flag that shows nationallity, or: a distinguishing emblem, which come to think of it this actually could be. Anyway great piece and welcome. S A Gibbins
Goodmorning again my friend. This is a nice piece about a trip whale watching. I have had the pleasure of seeing them myself while offshore fishing. The flow is nice and it paints and beautiful picture. Your rhyme is good also. I don't have any suggestions for you to improve this piece. Keep up the good work. S A Gibbins
Thank you and welcome to WDC. This poem is thoughtful and flows well. And I like the metaphor of renting a house connected with falling or taking a chance at love. Have a great day and thank you for posting this short but sweet poem. I will look forward to reading more from you as you continue to grow here on this site. S A Gibbins
Thank you for your post. The free form peice flows well and is very descriptive for this very magestic tree, the famous Redwood.The dirt that holds this beauty so fastened to the ground is richly described here also. One day I wish to see them and will remember your words. S A Gibbins
Goodmorning. And thank you for this post This is a brilliantly described peice. The description paint such a vivd overall picture to this brief moment in the life and death of lovers I am giving you a 5 stars reating because of the content and your good use of the English language. I have only a few suggestions, since I am not expert myself. You may want ( and I say May loosely) To reread and perhaps resturcture your sentences a bit. The peice is fluid but I beileve the sentence structure could use some work. Also one point and I am not sure if you put this in referring to her hormones or just your. If is was yours alone then you might want to take out Oxytocin , which is a hormone that:stimulstes contractions of a woman's uterus and helps her secrete milk from her breasts. Thanks and keep writing, you have a good talent for it. S A Gibbins
Hello again Judith or Judy. * I enjoyed this account of your thanksgiving with your family. I could feel the pandemomium. For the ife of me I felt that John wanting a large family, unless I have that wrong, would not have budged an inch. Especially with the attractiveness of the girl he was courting. Seems a shame that you just didn't tell him that you weren't interested but thats here nor there. You have done a fine job accounting the events and details of the day. Writing about such memories are heartwarming and I was sittting across the table from Uncle Ray I believe. Thank you for this nice post. I enjoy your writing style. S A Gibbins
Thank you J A for this humorous story. I would like to hear the sequel about the secretary but perhaps I'll let my imagination run wild as I imagine the walls propping her up. By the way, how many did she have? I can catch a bit of New England in your style. Actaully I can almost see old E B White siting around a pot belly stove in the town hardware store, passing the time about this and that. I will have to read some more of you later. Have a great day. By the way, I don't think there is any point in checking your spelling , grammar or the like. The bird got burnt, the story told and well those gift certificates probably bought a lot of Swanson's huh? S A Gibbins
Thank you for this interesting poem. The structure is not bad and flow well, perhaps though you might want to revise it a bit to flow better. It is not your average poem and there was so much vision in your words. I felt like a went on a trip myself , reading this litlle diddy. Thank you for the post. I kinda wished they had become lovers but well done with this piece. S A Gibins
Hello Kathie. Thanks for this gripping story. While I do not agree with someof it I do like it alot. I believe that no matter what our action make us accountable. It doesn't matter if your on drugs or not. I may be wrong about that though. I have both been on drugs and been in jail. I never stole while on them but then again who knows where it might have taken me. This story took me by suprise. I am born on Oct 5th, a date you picked for the dtory and I also sat in an electric chair named Old Sparku when I was a kid. My grandfather was head of the gaurds at Oklahoma state penetentary. And on a tour sat in it. I don't feel moved by the fact that he died horrible, but then again I do think that the electric chair is very cruel. I didn't do a spell check or anything like that. It seemed well written. There were a few places I would have written diffierently but I am not you. Just one thing I did see and thought it wa a bit redundant. this paragraph: Lee thought how much better prison was than the year before he was caught. A prison guard had given him an old guitar to restring. If only he could erase the past, he would play and give everything to help drug addicts. It hadn't been him that did the crime, it was the shit he was on. A lot of the guys here had the same story. The drugs were demons. I believe that how much better is a bit redudndant and should be either how better ...Lee felt prison was better. Just my thoughts and I am no expert by the way.... Great job and I will look forward to reading you again S A Gibbins
This is a very moving and touching piece. Your descriptions paint a beautiful place of rest for weary ones. It is indeed devastating for a parent to watch helplessly as their loved one is consumed by disease. My only hope is that you have not gone through this personally.The scriptures give us a glimsp of what is in store for us after the resurection into a perfect world. There will be no more sickness and death, the blind will see and the lame walk. It will be a place much like you describe. Thank you and have a blessed day.
Thank you for your post. I like this short piece although, that is the problem in itself. too shorth. I would have liked you to have developed it a bit further along these same lines For instance, sometimes we might feel as if our life is on borrowed time, or like when wasting time is like stealing money. Just a few thoughts for you to consider. Thanks S A G
Thank you for this post and your evaluation of the subject matter. As a firm believer who was once an Atheist himself, I feel very strongly in the other and I will say correct line of thought. My view is that God and Creation are very scientific, in that scientifically Evolution can be scientifically pulled apart. The mathematical probability of Man coming from a single celled form is silly to say the least. After careful scrutiny of the matter is is mathematically impossible for the right kinds of DNA to come together by accident to form anything. The concept of survival of the fittest and adaptation, etc is flawed too. There are many species that will support that. For instance the clkosest know genetic relative to a giraffe is a sheep. So why the long neck? The by states that God is evident by everything we see around us. The harmony in nature, etc. Thank you for this peice. One more thing...Albert Einstein himself was quoted as saying, "it is mathematically impossible to believe that there is no God"
Well RB, your story takes me back to many memories my self. I would like to see you expand this story a bit if you like. More about how you felt when fishing with Dad perhaps. I enjoyed it very much and would have given you a 5 for sure if not for a few errors in spelling. Check them out and it will be great.
Here are a few mistakes I think I have found. They are all spelling errors and I want to say that the spell check function on the site does not always work so don't rely on it. Try copy and paste it into a word document and spell check there, Anyway here they are.
Paragraph 2: Did you mean..... I'd dawn the life jacket while listening? instead of listing?
Paragraph 7 It may be better said "hooking it up "without" sticking yourself.......
and also: "the fishing would begin instead of began...
Finally in Cathy's comments: the boat sunk deaper in the lake....deeper in the lake and perhaps ,sank instead of sunk.
Overall it was a fine tribute to Dad and all those memories we carry with us. I loved Cathy's comments and yes what a big difference between brother and sister huh?
My favorite part was ..... "Dad would always have this smile when he stepped in and sat at the driver’s seat. "
I could just see those crow's feet around the eyes of my dad too when he smiled. Great job and write on!!!!
I like this short poem. It has good structure and rhyme. I would change the punctuattion after the word graceful to a comma in line 1. The meter is pretty good going from stanza 1-10 as follows:
1-9
2-9
3-9
4-9
5-8
6-8
7-8
8-8
9-8
10-9 The last staza could be revamped a bit. I sounds abrupt at the end to me. All in all it is very good. Keep up the fine work and write on! S A Gibbins
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/grzzbrdover
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 9:55am on Dec 21, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
