Hi there, I’m a fellow contestant on The Daily Slice, and thought I’d give a read and review of the other entries since I really enjoyed the prompt.
I really liked how your character carried out his revenge – very cunning and realistic. I especially like the fact that we never actually see him – just hearing about him from your narrator and other people gives the idea that the narrator could have simply put his brother on a pedestal.
What I think could be improved about it is the consistency in the voice between how the brother is explaining the situation, and how he carries out the revenge. The first half sounds like he’s hysterical and could explode at any moment. The second half sounds like he’s calculating and keeps his cool, even when his entire town is dead. Both of the voices are written well, I just don’t think they sound like they’re from the same person. Personally, since you’ve put, “will smile knowing that, for a short time, I was God” he sounds quite like he’s a psychopath, as serial killers in particular mention they love that sort of control. If you were to rewrite this story, my suggestion would be to include smaller killings of men who look a lot like his brother, as psychopaths want to kill the same person over and over again because they hate that original person so much. (I read a lot of crime TV if you haven’t guessed )
Only grammar niggle I could find is a comma splice in “I went to MIT to study biology, my mother said nothing” as it should be two separate sentences
I give this four out of five stars.
Good luck on the competition, and well done on your entry!!
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