You might want to change the setting. I had a bit of a hard time accepting a dying man walking down a country road in bad weather. You might want to make the activity a little more believable.
The description of the particular cancer is off putting. "small cell carcinoma lung cancer" is accurate but not necessary. "It had been a year and three months since Sebastian had received a death sentence due to a cancer traveling through his body."
I just have always found those specific disease references get in the way.
The tongue reference was not necessary - maybe describe the emotions embodied in the kiss. Her reaction to the kiss was excellent... great use of dialogue.
Forgive my directness. A writer friend of mine says that reviewing is like walking a tightrope without a safety net.
I hope I have not offended you in any way. Your work is good.
Hi Heather,
Ok, you have me. Why? Why is the morning silent. I am guessing that is coming. The explanation is going to be powerful. My mind is conjuring up scenarios that would silence the world.
Technically, you open with the world being different and silent then you hear the dog, your parents and the branch of the tree.
Maybe your first "silence" coult become "quiet". That will give you room to flesh out the scene.
You are trying to describe so many internal thoughts and individual impressions that the sentences become long and lost.
I believe I know what you were trying to communicate and would suggest that you read it aloud. You will find that you can say everything you intend in quite a few less words. See if you can remove the words that don't materially help. In the words of a former mentor "Lose the fluff."
Keep writing, everyday. Remember first drafts are just that first drafts. It is second, third and forth rewrites that matter.
Duncan,
You worked hard on this. Lots of characters, lots of facets, undercurrents and overt conflict building. It got going fairly quickly.
Although you post as Chapter One.... you have well more than that.
I believe the first chapter ended at "The rest of the cabinet ministers filed out of the room."
I would suggest that some of the local descrpitons were not entierly necessary.
I am thinking that you might want to conside introducing Ethan himself and building his character in a vingnette and then killing him off, promping the high level meeting and going on from there.
This could be a great story with political intregue, murder, governmental corruption.
What more does on need. Maybe some really sleazy characters.
A real trauma if even slightly close. You character Alyssa reacts in quite logical progression given the setting and magnatude of loss. Gathering strength from thin air to bouy the family.
How does it work as a Prologue? I am not sure. Are you demonstrating her strength, her selflessness. If that is the intent, maybe you could say less and imply more.
Very risky putting youself into your words. I commend you for sharing. You clearly have the ability to communicate deep emotions and raise legitimate questions. I have a personal introspective posted....... "Winds of Change"....Item#1746147 in my portfolio. Check it out if you like.
Might I suggest that you embody your emotions, thoughts and perspective into a character and build a world around them of your making. It is fun.
Ace,
Fantastic. I watched the entire scene, saw the room and the arena, even the disciples standing in perfect square around the arena.
Continue, please.
I'm thinking that Ed will probably have to be renamed. Ed just didn't fit as the name for the main character.
I am too new at WDC to offer anything but my humble opinion as a reader. In that regard the read was very enjoyable.
First, thank you for you very thoughtful reveiw of "The Winds of Change"
"They look so perfect" is moving. The perspective seems to make subtle changes along the way to link the thoughts and ideas. First observing then questioning. I think longer may have been better in this case. Maybe more robustly fleshing out some of the very valid and important points you are making.
As I tell everyone that I read....... I am not equipped to offer structural or technigue review and only present my humble opinoin as a reader.
Conniann,
Sorry to see Cenia leaving her family. But it was a really nice twist.
Someitmes good is not good enough. I was starting to wonder about her until she started to whine about the sameness of her life. And that is what made the twist work.
Great job.
I'm too new at this reviewing thing to say anything other than my personal impressions.
Amay,
Well done. Simple premise and just enough questioning to bring me along. I was trying to answer the question for the pottery as to why he considered his creations empty.
I am not an editor so I refrain from commenting on structure, grammar or punctuation.
I think I might have enjoyed a deeper explanation from the potter. The humble prespective of an artisan making the connection between his craft and the people he makes them for.
Write On!
Peace Out
VL
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