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Review Requests: ON
278 Public Reviews Given
286 Total Reviews Given
Favorite Genres
Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Romance
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Public Reviews
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Review of Sam Platte 2  Open in new Window.
Review by Graywriter Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
An effective use of a shifting POV.

Cherry reveals himself as a greenhorn; a man on watch sits with his back to the fire to maintain his night vision, or moves away from the fire entirely. He has only stoked the fire to make more coffee to keep himself awake, and perhaps to counter his nervousness. A good bit of characterization that the Indians might comment on.

The first line is unclear--exactly whose horses are they, and why aren't they asleep, and why are they important? Do you lose anything by removing it? Not as it stands.

On the other hand, if the horses are restless and nervous because they scent the nearby Indians, that might add to the scene, and enhance Cherry as a pilgrim for not noticing. Or maybe he does notice, and that makes him even more nervous and staring fruitlessly into the darkness around the camp.

If Kilkenny and Platte are "snoring so loudly", and if the Indians are close enough to observe details in the firelight such as Cherry squeezing his legs together, then surely they would hear that. Dohosan would not say, “No. The other two are not asleep.” He might say, "The other two sleep, but look, see how the Buffalo Man keeps his rifle on one side and his thunder gun [whatever the heck that is] on the other. He will awake in an instant."

The last two sentences puzzled me. If the war band is close enough to see Cherry squeeze his legs together, or see that Platte--away from the fire!--sleeps with two guns, there is no need for a roundabout path. They are positioned to shoot and kill all three cowboys, and why not simply do that?

So, IMO two good scenes, with some plot holes to think on.


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2
2
Review by Graywriter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you!
I'm sure I could have had more words with more time. I missed 'heart' and 'sweetheart' for example.
Anyway, a fun game.
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Review of Maniac Act 2  Open in new Window.
Review by Graywriter Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Feedback on pacing and character development!'

Character is revealed in several ways: what your character does (actions); what your character says; how your character treats others; what others say or think about him/her; how others treat him/her.

Three characters portrayed here - the narrator, Adrian; Lynn Beaux; Godlike entity (maybe the thing outside the door). None of them was entirely clear to me, perhaps in part because this is Act 2 and I'm missing Act 1. It would make more sense IMO to move the part about "he looked like wavelengths, changing in frequency constantly to make a silhouette" right up front to explain why Lynn was a "thing".

Pacing refers to the rhythm of the entire story and how the chain of events fall into place, not necessarily the speed of events. Overall, I thought this worked; things moved; the order made sense; nothing dragged.

I do urge a good proofread, even a line edit, for there is lots of room for technical improvement in the writing. You can improve the use of speech tags, sentence structure, comma use and more.

I looked for signs of the other two. Sorry, this lost me. Other two who, or what?

“Who are you?”, I asked, confused (an example of a missing comma)

The massive metal door in our [missing word] had its valve start turning

“I don’t know man, what are you, my bad, who are you again?”, I said, sounding stupid. If there are only two speakers, you don't need to use so many tags. Also, what the character says indicates that he feels stupid, so the tag is redundant.

Write on!


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4
4
Review of Paying The Bill  Open in new Window.
Review by Graywriter Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Ick. Every man's nightmare, well told.

Dialogue, mechanics, pacing all spot on.


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5
5
Review by Graywriter Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thanks for a story that provided my morning chuckle, Dave. I found the parenthetical comments to be realistic and amusing as a way to provide structure for a story within a story.

I kind of agree with Brian - the story itself is a bit boring, which makes the audience comments stand out even more.

Please take a look at
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Gilbert's Ghost Open in new Window. (ASR)
A mysterious disappearance, a lost love, a haunted lake
#2277486 by Graywriter Author IconMail Icon
which uses a similar audience/storyteller interaction but not as the main structure.


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Review of island time  Open in new Window.
Review by Graywriter Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I like it! The rhythm is like waves on a beach and the images are succinct and apt.

I did wonder if you deliberately used "mourning" instead of "morning". It fits either way, especially with "tequila sunset/easing the pain".


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Review by Graywriter Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Many publishers of short fiction these days are literary journals. IMO, they value writing over storytelling. Cleverness of phrase reigns over plot or character. "Exploration of the human condition"--almost always seen as bitter, dark, negative, derogatory--holds sway over all else. Too often, after having slogged through a 'literary story', my response is, "What the hell was that about?"

Regardless of the structure on which a story's elements are hung, the story is the thing. Stories have been part of human cultures for ages. Some of my favorite memories involve holding a group of people entranced around a campfire while I tell them a story. I'm a storyteller in the oral tradition. Being a writer is a means to tell stories in a different medium, a different milieu.

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8
8
Review of With Interest  Open in new Window.
Review by Graywriter Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A well-deserved Writers Cramp win for a smooth story with a bit of a twisty ending. I like the way you show the mother's feelings (her hands twisting in the fabric of her apron, knuckles white; her eyes hesitated on her sewing machine and dress forms but she shook her head).

I tend to fly by the seat of my pants and see what shakes out. Uh,an unfortunate metaphor...

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9
9
Review by Graywriter Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Sci-fi Writers Guild  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (1.0)
Alois, qu'est-ce que c'est? Trois mots seulement? Veux-tu que nous fassions tes devoirs?


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10
10
Review by Graywriter Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
This has a nice story arc and a happy ending.

There were a couple of minor things and two major areas where I think a little more attention would improve the story.

Minor: starting with anonymous dialogue confused me. Don't know if it's Trent talking to himself (which is usually shown in italics) or someone else

Major:

The first is the age of the MC. Initially I thought he was nine or ten. Later his parents try to pair him off; I bumped his age to twelve to fourteen. Then Felix screeches up in a car. Is MC maybe 15 or 16? Perhaps you could sort this out in your mind and story.

The second is the archery itself. I get the feeling you've never been on an archery range or shot a bow. Even shooting a 35lb compound bow with an 18lb draw weight, after an hour on the range, kids are tired (I teach 12 to 15 year olds). Even using finger tabs or a glove, their fingers are sore. The more tired they get, the sloppier their shooting.

My impression is that this is a children's story, so you needn't go into a lot of detail. Maybe most readers would skim over the archery, but I think you might put in some more accurate information from the MC's point of view such as having his fingers hurt, getting string-slapped in the forearm because you just can't learn proper technique from a book (have the instructor show him how to hold the bow). That kind of thing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TgaVwOP1WAQ

My two bits, for what it's worth.

Overall, as I said, the character arc is good and I enjoyed the story.


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Review by Graywriter Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Sci-fi Writers Guild  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
WHAT? And that's how it ends? I wanna know how it turns out!


After tapping a few more buttons, the image on the monitor now changed...

Oopsie, dangling modifier  Open in new Window. that says the IMAGE was tapping the buttons. Probably not what you meant.

I kind of liked the time shifts, jumping back and forth. And the character names, those are good.


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Review by Graywriter Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Quick and easy; although I found Mele Kelikemaka and Feliz Navidad, it didn't cross them off.
Thanks for a bit of fun.
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Review of The Mule Trainer  Open in new Window.
Review by Graywriter Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello, Daisan

I see this request has been in the queue since July! Hope you've had some reviews.

I remember enjoying your Sam Platte story, and you note that Mule Trainer is "part of a larger story." (the same as Sam Platte?)

"Of course I'm interested in technical things like formatting but I'm more interested in if the story is communicated effectively in the way it's told and if the tone (which is humor) is achieved."

Okay, old story, nicely told in dialect. Normally I'd be telling you to get your MC's name (Li'l Charles) into the first paragraph so I know who's talking, and who the heck are these other guys (Curtis, Emerson, Jesse...)? A little preface would have done it "Li'l Charles is telling a story to his buddies Curtis, Emerson, and Jesse") But since you explained that it's part of a longer work, I'll overlook that.

Formatting is worth looking at -- I'd suggest you review paragraph structure, because the story really needs work on that.

As for the rest -- the tone is spot on, the humor is clear, the story gives some hints of character personality. I'd say you've met your main goals.


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14
14
Review by Graywriter Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Wow, this has been sitting in the Please Review list since July 5. I hope you got some reviews before the contest closed. I see that your entry qualified but didn't place.

Let's see if I can come up with some belated suggestions for improvement.

I enjoyed the story and the characters. Sid kind of grows on you as the story progresses so the ending, while no surprise, is in character.

There are some iffy parts in the start -- I doubt that any doctor would expect the husband to tell his wife she's got a week to live. That's the doctor's unfortunate duty; she and Sid would do this together.

The main issue I saw was that you have difficulty with tenses. There are some that should be past perfect, such as the story of their history. Sid saw had seen her for the first time...

Dialog is good; mechanics are good aside from the verb tenses; plot is good. The other entries must just have been better. *Frown*


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15
15
Review of Sam Platte  Open in new Window.
Review by Graywriter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, Daisan
I remember enjoying this earlier, and came back for a second look. Bumped it up to five stars, because, dang, it's good.
Will you write more about this?
Merry Christmas
GW


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16
16
Review of Extinct  Open in new Window.
Review by Graywriter Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (2.0)
Hi, RTurner

A quick note. Forgive me for being blunt, but if nobody tells you, how will you learn?

The title and tagline are your first opportunity to attract a reader

Title is good! Dramatic. Punchy.

Tagline...uh...no.

fist chapter of the start of my new novel

It's redundant, it's misspelled, and it doesn't have any hook value at all. You need to make me want to read the chapter, and this doesn't cut it.

Please don't waste this real estate. Write something really grabby. Catch my attention here and I'm more likely to come back with a full review.

Write on!


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17
17
Review of The Journey  Open in new Window.
Review by Graywriter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
"Pip pip and toodle-oo!" I remember my mom, who came from Yorkshire as a war bride, saying that.

My entry to the official contest this month. Did it flow well? Could you empathise with the character? Are there any typos I might have missed?


Yes, it flows well enough. I did think that the child sounded more like two than four, but that's based on my own three kids who all started talking before they were a year old.

The characters, both the narrator and the traveller, are sympathetic and engaging. I thought it might be nice to know the little girl's name.

No mechanical errors that I noted, though I did think there were far too many pips in there (10 to be exact) and I'd suggest replacing at least one or two "pip pip"s with an alternate phrase.

Best of luck in the contest.

GW

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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18
18
Review of The Quills Group  Open in new Window.
Review by Graywriter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Donation
19
19
Review by Graywriter Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Too many lines for a traditional sonnet, but the lines scan fairly well, the rhymes are not too forced, and above all--the sentiments are meaningful.

My favorite lines:
A poet’s heart, a troubled mind,
A past that hasn’t been so kind.

This sense of loss; as old as time,
A vintage[d] grief detailed in rhyme.

Not sure you need the [d] there.

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20
20
Review by Graywriter Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Thanks for a fun read, and the variety of poetry forms revealing a young woman's incredibly active social life. Not just weekend dates for this girl!

All the forms seem well done (I'll forgive the half rhyme in "o'er me") and my favorite is Tuesday with Ray.


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21
21
Review by Graywriter Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
I got a smile from this, which I suspect was your main purpose since one genre is Comedy.

The punctuation in verse 1 is odd, and perhaps unnecessary; you've no punctuation in V2 and it reads well.

Take a little more time to proofread this. For example, Perhaps he needs his on own red mat seems to have an extra word.

A couple of lines seem to be stuck in just to make the rhyme, like two about headgear (and I note they both occur at the same spot in the stanza--planning or luck?)

My favorite line is
Huggie will lie on top of covers yet sometime wrap
His paws around things he ought not to but tap

There is a French folksong, "Il était une bergère" with a verse that I give you here in English (the ron, ron lines are nonsense filler. Petite patapon means roughly little rascal). The shepherdess has made a cheese and tells her kitty to keep his paws off it.

He didn't put his paw in
Hey ron, ron, ron,
Petite patapon
He didn't put his paw in
He put in his whole chin
Ron, ron
He put in his whole chin!

Reminds me so much of your huggie kitty!


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22
22
Review of Crossing Over  Open in new Window.
Review by Graywriter Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This is an interesting entry to the Grim Reaper contest.

Since horror isn't my genre, I did some research to help me with the review. From various sources, I learned that a good horror story has these elements:

1. Surprise: a plot twist or deviance from the usual startles an unsuspecting reader. The appearance of the spectre provides the twist, with the ghost murdering her murderer and extra twist. (Despite being "just a shade with no substance" she is somehow able to handle the gun; I thought this a bit of a plot hole.)

2. Foreshadowing: hints that something nasty is coming builds reader unease. I couldn't identify any specific foreshadowing. Perhaps the opening sentence. There are almost two stories here, the first with the detectives and the second with Peter and his ghost-wife.

3. Familiarity: The more the reader can relate to the early parts of the story, the harder the twist hits. The police/murder scene is relatively familiar.

4. Tone or Mood: This is a hard one for me. IMO the first sentence could be dropped without affecting the story; the second paragraph is still an effective hook. The first few paragraphs struck me as wordy, especially compared to the straight-forward tone of the balance, though I suspect this was a deliberate attempt to mimic some period literature.

5. Emotion: the essence of horror fiction is the ability to arouse in the reader a negative emotion--fear, unease, guilt--the "ick" factor. The gory ending definitely produced an "Oh, ick" from me.

BTW -- If you can find Balkan Sobranie pipe tobacco today, please let me know where. AFAIK it is no longer in production, though there are some low-quality imitations and decent replicas. https://www.cupojoes.com/sutliff-balkan-sobranie-o...


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23
23
Review of Jewel’s Kids  Open in new Window.
Review by Graywriter Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is my favorite entry to the Grim Reaper contest.

Since horror isn't my genre, I did some research to help me with the review. From various sources, I learned that a good horror story has these elements:

1. Surprise: a plot twist or deviance from the usual startles an unsuspecting reader. Certainly Jewel's pregnancy--and then the narrator's!--is a twist.

2. Foreshadowing: hints that something nasty is coming builds reader unease. You have the lack of weight gain, squirming instead of kicking, weight loss, lack of morning sickness. Lots of hints.

3. Familiarity: The more the reader can relate to the early parts of the story, the harder the twist hits. Your opening and second scene are quite relatable.

4. Tone or Mood: Your light and almost cheery tone at the beginning sets a nice contrast to the ending.

5. Emotion: the essence of horror fiction is the ability to arouse in the reader a negative emotion--fear, unease, guilt--the "ick" factor. "Oh, ick!" was definitely my response at the end. That you were able to do this without gore or the clichés found in some other entries (including mine; is the fresh grave not a cliché?) makes the story a standout.


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24
24
Review by Graywriter Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Well, that's something different...

They crave a jack-o’-lantern, Are you sure you wrote what you meant?

I gather that somehow the alien plant(?) has turned everyone human into plants(?) except for Jeter. Guess he's exempt because he watered the original alien.

Thanks for a creepy read!


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25
25
Review of A Petulant Life  Open in new Window.
Review by Graywriter Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
I confess, Teresa, that I found this hard to get into.

At the beginning, the tense bounces from present to past. Please make up your mind and use one or the other.

It takes five paragraphs before you hint that the old woman might be named Violet. I'd like to know up front who this character is.

Violet's breathing became less laborious, and the younger woman in the room to -- sorry, this is the first reference to the younger woman and it comes out of left field. She is never heard from or of again, so why is she even there?

Okay, once we get away from the woman dying and jump to the past, it gets more interesting. What would you lose if you started out "It was 1932 in Bellingham..." IMO, if you lost everything before that, your story would start at a more natural beginning.

Just from curiosity, where is Bellingham? A country would help me with the setting.

At one point you describe a character as 3.2 feet tall. Who on earth uses decimals with feet?

Your style reminds me of novels written in the 40s, with longer sentences and more extensive descriptions than are common in today's prose; this is quite apt for the time period of your story. Makes for an interesting mood.

You generally show a good command of grammar, syntax, and structure. There is the occasional slip, such as As they approached the storefront Leo yelled, “Hey!” as he spied his siblings. He was carrying a load of longboards through the yard towards an old truck, dropping his load he began tying it down. which is a comma fault and need a period after truck.

Some opinions on plot.

First, a main character needs a goal, something she wants or needs. It's not clear to me what Charlotte wants that would drive the story further. There are hints that she wants her mother's love but she seems to get over that quickly. I'm wondering why the mother is estranged from the family and evidently sleeping around, but that doesn't seem to be a central issue.

Second, the father is a cardboard character with little interaction with the family or the story. Maybe develop him a bit more?

Third, what's with all the descriptions of food at the end? Strikes me as excessive and irrelevant detail.

Fourth, why should I read on? This seems to be complete, leaves no unanswered questions. If you left the family without food and on the verge of starvation, I'd want to know what happens next.

BTW Congratulations on your book. I hope it sells well.


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