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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/grayeyes
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41 Public Reviews Given
82 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
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Review by Tania Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
General Impressions;I think you've definitely got what it takes to write this type of story. What I have done in my own writing is just write my idea as it comes, then go back and try to make the words flow almost poetically, so that it paints a picture clearly for the reader without telling them technically what you mean. In other words instead of writing RED show the color. IE: The car was shiny red VS. The car gleamed like a ruby beneath the sun. I appreciate what you were trying to do with this story. Rope us in with a warm and fuzzy group of people in an average setting, then surprise us with an unexpected turn of events. In order for this to be effective, I would suggest using the following tips to engage your reader a little more.


Suggestion/Corrections;
Sometimes, less is more in a story. Though description is good, you should find a way to incorporate it so that it flows better. For example you write:

All of a sudden the door swung wide open and her tall brown eyed, brown haired roommate, Kelsey, walked in singing Fay's name.

would flow better as


All of a sudden the door swung wide open and in walked Kelsey, Fay's roommate. Her chestnut locks swung from side to side as she locked her chocolate orbs on Fay's and sang "Faaaaay."



You obviously don't have to write it exactly like that, and i took some liberities with using a different word for brown, but it's just to give you an idea. Showing description with action moves the story and makes it feel less like we're stopping the story just to tell you what someone looks like.

Additionally we don't always need to know what someone looks like in depth. A few key descriptions are fine. Don't be afraid to let the reader decide what these characters look like, especially non-main characters.

You explain a lot of things to the reader instead of letting the characters reveal this information.

For example you write:

Kelsey smiled at Matt, kissed him on the cheek, and took his hand. Matt and Kelsey were engaged. They had been for 3 weeks now and had been dating for two years.

where as I would suggest:


Kelsey smiled at Matt fingering the engagement ring on her left hand. "Hello future husband," she said as she placed a kiss on his cheek.

This way the reader is aware that the two are engaged, but without having to be blatently told.

Use the above tips to go back over your story and see if you can rewrite similar occurances.


Remember this review was meant to help not hinder your writing process, and it is only one person's opinion. I wish you luck and great inspiration in your future writing.

Good Luck,
Tania
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Review of Edge of Reality  Open in new Window.
Review by Tania Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
General Impressions; I always enjoy being thrown into a traumatic event at the start of a story and having to read on to know how it came to be. Not only am I intrigued to read further but the detective in me goes hard to work trying to figure out the missing pieces. You do a good job of working in enough information to make us(the reader) doubt some of our theories. For example, in the start of the story we're informed Leah is incredibly close to her sisters, a second mother in fact. So even with knowing that the girls are living with her when she starts revisiting old troubles, we can assume there's no way it could be their things she's finding because Leah would know. Still we also know that they've been away since graduating high school so there's room for her to be mistaken, which after reading the story of course we can assume is the case.

What I Liked;
I like that you show Leah's love of the life of a homemaker early on, because it gives a nice background to her mindset when the future child bearing problems arise later on, and how that also might send her off the edge.

In fact I like how almost everything that happens in this story has something else we can look back on and say 'aha I can see how that would effect her' or 'it makes sense she would feel/act this way' You do a good job with cause and effect. *Thumbsup*

Suggestion/Corrections;
The information we're given about her being called Barbie in school i found irrelevant. If you were trying to paint a picture as to why she might be insecure in the future I would go with relationship stand point, which I know is pretty uncommon in a ten year old. To be honest I don't think you need it at all, so if you wanted you could just skip that all together. You can just give us the information about her mother passing and the role Leah took on for her sisters.

- It was never a consideration that she would go to college, even though she scored a full ride to more than one university - instead of `It was never a consideration` I'd say `She never considered....` It lets the reader know it was her choice and not her surroundings. She didn't want to leave the girls, not that she couldn't.

Cliff: An english professor, I'm pretty sure, after doing a little research, would be no younger than 28/29 in his first year of teaching. So, depending on how far in his career you want him to be, i'd base my age range off that.

You mention something called Southeast, which i assume is some sort of mental health facility, but i would probably state that.

- After he was celebrate two years she relented and took him back... - celibate for two years

- You can’t hold him, your too pathetic to have his baby, your too boring - your in both cases should be 'you're'

The lead up to the ending where Leah starts to experience the phone calls, the strange woman, and the moment with the car, i'm left uncertain if this is actually happening, if she's imaging it, or as noted at the very end in the authors note if it's a part of the strange happenings of the place they live. Reading the story on its own, without the note and away from the series I don't think the latter comes across well. I don't know what it is that she's seeing, because even though we see what her sister is wearing at the end, I can't believe that her sister would actually do/say any of those things to her. What was happening to Leah?



Overall I think you have a really interesting story here, and it seems like a interesting series idea. Keep writing, I look forward to seeing what comes of it.

Remember that this is just one person's opinion. It is meant to help not hinder your writing process.

Happy Writing,
Tania (grayeyes)
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Review of Life's Blood  Open in new Window.
Review by Tania Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I found your story on the plug page and am so glad I did.

I read this uncertain of what to expect. Usually when I read an 'animal' story it's a cutsey adventure not a lesson learned. I was happy to see that this was a unique look at animals behaving like humans. The mix of selflessness, selfishness, greed, and so on in society was cleverly written this way.

Your words flow easily. *Thumbsup* I was interested from begining to end, and found very few mistakes. Great job.

A few suggestions;

`So he pondered and he pondered ` you can drop the second he. reuse of the same words so close together clutters the flow.

`The crowd provided Barry with a more more of a lukewarm reception than he had expected`

`Again Barry looked around the crowd, hopefully.` using the comma after the crowd makes it sound like he might possibly look around, not that he was hopeful in looking. Be careful of your use of comma.

Remember these are just suggestions from a fellow writer. They are meant to help not hinder your writing process.

Thank you for sharing this story. I hope to read more of your work soon.

Tania.
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Review of Knight Vision  Open in new Window.
Review by Tania Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Here's my review of KNIGHT VISION

[A FEW EDITS]

Yeah, I knew exactly how it was but I was planning on making him tell me. I’m a bitch like that.

My name’s Alexandra Knight by the way, and up until six months ago I was a paramedic. Now I was unemployed. I was hoping that today would prove that I wasn’t unemployable. So far it wasn’t looking good. “Enlighten me Eric,” I said to him. He ran his hands through his sandy blonde hair and straightened his tie. *he did that when he was nervous. ...

moving this sentence, helps the story to remain fluid.


----
“Yeah, I understand,” I said gripping his hand, “One word of advice though, you should probably see the urologist about the burning when you piss. God only knows where Cheryl’s been.”

His eyes grew wide. I just smirked.

“How’d you…I haven’t…” he sputtered.

I let go of his hand and turned and walked out his office, leaving Eric Tyler stammering....

you don't need his response. his eyes say everything.

----
They know who’s screwing who, and whose getting fired, and who can’t get hired

if everyone knows who's screwing who, then it shouldn't have been a surprise to Eric that Alex knew. I would ditch this line and just let the statement about EMS being a small club, stand on its own.

----
I made it out to my car without running into anyone. Thank God, Eric’s office had been near the exit

you don't need this sentence.

----
I hated being out of work. Actually that’s not entirely true; I did have a job of sorts. I had to pay for the nicotine and caffeine somehow.

I was working in my uncle’s bar as a bartender. ...

There's no 'of sorts' about it, she has a job. I'd drop the 'of sorts'.

----
The crime rate had risen of late and its poverty level had risen with it.

the addition helps the story to flow better

----

[OVERALL]

Since this is a very rough draft, I won't go into full detail with placement, and technical errors, since you'll probably do that when you revise, but I wanted to give a few ideas just in case.

Overall I like your writing. It reads easy and interesting. I'm immediately curious about the main character. Clearly she's gone through a lot in the past couple months. one question to answer in the long or short run would be, what caused the accident, and why is everyone blaming her?
Some things to keep in mind while revising and writing further. Try not to repeat the same words so close together. for example:

He was probably in his late twenties. He stood probably about five foot ten

you can make that one sentence, and take out the second probably by making it "He was probably in his late twenties, and stood about five foot ten."

Simple switches like that can keep your reader in the story, and what an interesting story it is. You've got me curious about the mysterious man in the bar, and what Alex's visions mean. What exactly can she see? Is it just things people have already done? Can she see the future too? Will it help her to save people or blackmail people? I can't wait to see where this goes, so I hope you continue writing this.

Thanks for posting your story for us to read.
Happy Writing
Tania
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Review of Dreams  Open in new Window.
Review by Tania Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
There were two sentences where a word was missing, just a head faster than hands moment I'm sure. I neglected to jot them down, so I can't point them out *Frown* sorry! But other than that, I was completely captivated. What a truly twisted story. And though I had an idea it wouldn't end nicely I did not predict the ending, not even leading up to it. *Thumbsup*

Great job.
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Review of The Bug  Open in new Window.
Review by Tania Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Its a creepy concept you have here. The pov doesn't sit well with me, but that's just a personal preference. I don't think it damages the story at all.

A couple notes:

The Electric/al Chair sounds more like the one you'd find on death row then in a psych ward. I think you'd be better off saying Electro Shock Therapy, Electro Shock, or something of the like.

The ending was unrealistic for me. I know, an awkward statement for the genre/concept, but even when we write fiction, we have to make it believable. The doctors and nurses as the reality of the story, would not, and do not have the authority to take a life. If this was a wicked hospital, where the doctors and nurses were running evil experiments it would be more believable. But since, it seemed they were genuinely trying to help her, I'd suggest a different ending. Maybe she dies of blood loss.

Another thing is "the bug" is never resolved. Did she really have the bug? Was it all in her head? You don't technically have to answer these questions, but you should probably touch on it a little. Maybe something in her last words. It's only a problem for me, because right before she passes out, she's battling to get rid of it again and I'm left wondering if she actually did and her death was in vain.

Please note that these are just my opinions, and anything I have said was meant to help not hinder you.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Happy Writing.
Tania.
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Review of A Long Time  Open in new Window.
Review by Tania Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wow that piece was very vivid and emotional.

When the tear falls down her cheek because she doesn't want to wake up to reality, I could literally feel the anguish she felt.

I also enjoyed how you decided to let the reader know the S.O. had caused a riff between them, but didn't tell us what it was. It allows us to decide and relate on our own levels, and believe me I did. Great Work!

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Review of The Circus.  Open in new Window.
Review by Tania Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Let me start this off by saying you have a great way with words. Nearly everything you wrote read like it was being played out before my eyes. I could see it very clear and distinctly. Great job on that.

It was a very enjoyable story, the only thing I might critique is the middle of the story. When Matt meets the carnie folk, the ringmaster tells him a story of how he and beatrice met and a little bit about the circus. It starts as dialogue, but then you, the author, just tell the reader what's being said, instead of letting the characters voice be heard.

Try writing it in the voice of the ringmaster or beatrice or both combined.

Additionally the story jumps in the middle, from matthew being banished to his room, to him backstage at the circus, then suddenly it's the end of school. Was the visit to the backstage a dream? You should clearify the change a little better.

Other than that, I'd say you did a great job with this story.
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Review of Vengeance  Open in new Window.
Review by Tania Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Good begining.

The quote turned on my curiosity, and the opening dialogue pulled me all the way in.
I enjoyed your style of writing. It was clean and simple, very visual.

I'm not sure if it's because you had a maximum word count requirement for the prompt or not, but ,I think it would help the story to let the tension build up a little bit more before you bring in the warrior.

Great job, otherwise.


Happy Writing
Tania

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Review of One Day  Open in new Window.
Review by Tania Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This story was very moving. I think you picked the perfect POV to tell a story that is very controversial. It gives it an innocence that even the most objectionable person might be able to sympathize with.

I caught very few errors, and those that I did see, I can't remember because the story completely pulled me in.

good job.

Happy Writing
Tania

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Review of Tapped!  Open in new Window.
Review by Tania Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I'll start by saying you have a unique idea here. I was pulled in at the start of the story, but as we explored deeper into what was going on it began to get unbelievable. When we write fiction, no matter how far fetched we decide to be, the story still needs to be believable in that realm. I'll give examples.

Alcoholics Anon, or any anon group really, isn't a program you complete in a period of time, it's something that is done life long. You may not go to meetings as often, or you may go to them all the time, but as they say in the meetings, you're never cured, you're always recovering, therefore you're always apart of a group. That would be the same for the NHA. It's something simple I realize but it really helps a story flow.

I found it a little strange that Davena was so quick to trust the technician. Good looks aside, with what was happening to her, I'd be suspicous of everybody.

I think the best way to improve this story is to re-read and re-write anything that doesn't flow for you.

I hope this review was helpful to you.

Good luck and happy writing.


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Review by Tania Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
What a great story you have here. I loved it. It was easy to read, and had it had actually pages I would've been compelled to flip through them as fast as my eyes and fingers would allow.

However, I feel that the ending would have been more powerful if there was more of a "middle". By that I mean it felt just as soon as Evie had come into her new life with Jonathan and his vampire clan, she was taken out of it by Julian. How could she have connected so well with Jonathan if she wasn't given the time to?

Additionally, I liked the twist of how the mother was still "alive", but she had changed so much from what little we knew about her. And it was never explained, or at least justified by confusion in Evie. Evie seemed to just accept that her mother was no longer the same. I feel it wasn't truly believable since her mother was the only person she'd ever been close to up until the new clan.

Two "problems" that are easily fixed. I hope, my review was helpful and encouraging. I'd also like to see the next installment, as it appears there will be one.

Great writing! Sincerely!
Tania
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Review by Tania Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
The writing was good. It wasn't over done, it was simple but poetic at times and I enjoyed the emotion connected to the story, even though it was both short and disturbing at points. Well done.
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