Very interested concept for the written word, however, I had to read it almost three times to get all of it. There are some words that probably needed to be described because I'm pretty sure not everybody is familiar with some of the items you mentioned. Also, a little bit more "setup" per department would have been nice. I see what you're trying to do, and it would add more "fluff" to the piece, but it would also give the read a little bit more to go on to picture the department in their mind as they read. Other than that, I think you have a great story there!
You may have thought it was a silly little story, but I loved it. I've got grandkids that I've told stories similar to this to, however, not quite in as much detail. I love the fact that you described the kids' reactions to this story, regardless of the fact that they grew up hearing scary or spooky stories. I would love to hear more!
First of all... awesome! I love it. There are a couple grammatical issues that you have in it such as in the third line:
"And the words become the my stimulus"
probably should be
"And the words become my stimulus"
I'm sure that was an oversight. The other that caught my attention was the word "persevere" in the second to last line which you spelled without the "e" on the end of it. I have to apologize up front... my grandmother was an English teacher and while she was with us, God help me if I made a mistake in writing! I've slipped some since then, but a lot of lessons still remain.
Great job though as I love to read poetry that actually says something.
Oh, how quickly thoughts can change! I love the subtle way that your character shifts her mind from helping everyone win to winning at any cost. This makes me want to read more of the story.... I hope there is one and you can expand on this...
I would offer constructive criticism, but just can't think of any at this point.
I loved the imagery and the narration except for one small item. On the second to last paragraph, your story seems to shift narrators from observed to observing and then back again in the same paragraph. "Our intrepid detective...." doesn't fit with the "observing" narrative that has been used throughout the rest of the story. I believe you could fix it by simply replacing "Our intrepid detective..." with "He..." or something more along those lines.
You do kind of start out the story as a third-person narrative, but switch to first person observation quickly. I didn't notice that at first, but if you could change the narrative to first person observation all the way through, to me, and it's only my opinion, it would be a stronger story.
I like this poem. You can definitely get the feel that there is a cat watching some fool counting the minutes until their demise or until something major happening. The meter of this poem I believe also helps give the illusion of time progressing until we're simply dust. Great work!
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