Hi Foxtale,
The Firelight Honor
First off, I must admit, before reading this essay, I knew little about scouts and their ceremonies. The only thing I knew was Baden-Powell's experiences during the Second Boer War in South Africa inspired his ideas on Scouting.
The vivid description of a tattered American flag instantly captured my attention.
Your use of the descriptive voice paints a picture of the setting and the characters involved, creating a sense of atmosphere. It evokes emotions of patriotism and pride through the flag retirement ceremony.
Experiencing the ceremony through your eyes, the reader can connect with the emotions and significance of the event.
It becomes evident early on, your words are heartfelt and sincere, reflecting the emotions and reverence associated with the flag retirement ceremony, immersing the reader in the scene.
The storyline is patriotic and reverent and evokes feelings of pride and respect for the American flag. You have captured the emotions associated with the flag retirement ceremony, creating a sombre yet uplifting atmosphere, so well done.
Hi Dorianne,
Overall, ‘Divine Life’ has several strengths. It effectively creates tension, with well-developed characters, and a writing style that draws the reader in. The plot and pacing keep the reader engaged, and the setting and description help to ground the reader in the scene.
Anora’s character is well portrayed as a compassionate, dedicated nurse, while JoJo is shown as a kind-hearted individual who becomes the hero by saving the baby's life. Both characters have depth, motivations, and emotional complexity, making them relatable to the reader.
The use of dialogue and descriptive language adds both depth and fullness to the story, making it engaging for the reader.
I like the way you balance moments of action and urgency with quieter moments of reflection.
One thing left me up in the air, though, was the ending, with no conclusion as to how everything turned out.
Best wishes to you and your writing,
Tegs.
Hi Beholden,
This is a clever, clever piece of work. A real joy to read. If I was to suggest any changes, it would be to alter the genre ‘comedy’ into something else. Seeing that before reading the main body spoils the surprise ending. You could say it’s like telling the punchline before the joke. But it’s still great storytelling.
Best wishes,
Tegs.
Hi Mysha.ember,
Welcome to WDC.
Considering Scenarios is a good start to your writing here. The storytelling is good and the characters believable.
There are a few grammar mistakes. But you can easily be sort them by running your work through something along lines of the free version of Quillbot.
There's one main reason a reader loses interest in a story. It is when they realise the author hasn’t done his/her due diligence, and that is research.
You wrote ‘a metal rod lodged into his shin.’ There is no muscle in the shin. It's literally skin and bone. A metal rod will almost certainly have shattered the bone and the leg would be swollen, possibly from internal bleeding, resulting from a torn artery, resulting in pain off the scale. I say all this with the best of intensions in helping you progress.
If you visit ‘Writers Helping Writers’, you will find lots of help and quite a few writing tools to assist you with your writing. https://writershelpingwriters.net/ https://quillbot.com
I Hope you enjoy yourself here, and wish you well in your future writing,
Tegs.
Hi Leslie Loo,
I discovered your work ‘Catfished’ in Please Review and got drew in by the title.
You created tension and intrigue by introducing the conflict of a parent spying on their daughter's online activities. You captured Christine's emotions and inner thoughts really well.
The dialogue between characters feels natural and reveals their personalities.
The paragraphs are well-organized, with smooth transitions between sentences.
It’s a well-paced story, with events unfolding in a logical manner that engages the reader.
Christine's desire to protect her daughter creates the tension in this scene. The conflict comes with her husband's disagreement with her methods. This tension and conflict add depth to the story and keeps the reader curious as to the outcome.
Although I really enjoyed reading your work as a whole, I believe the opening could be stronger. It contained too many of what are termed weasel words. If you're unsure below is a site that explains the term: - https://cherylburman.com/weasel-words-in-writing/
I altered the opening slightly to help explain what I mean. Biting the side of my lip, I looked through my daughter’s Facebook. Unbelievably, she created an account behind my back. It was hard to understand why she wanted to connect with strangers. Why doesn’t she realise what she’s getting into? When it comes to social media, isn’t she aware of what girls her age can go through? I have told her repeatedly about the dangers of the Internet, but she obviously didn’t listen. So, as a punishment, I created a fake account to teach her a lesson. You may call it harsh parenting, but so, as you know, I don’t care.
I wish you well with the rest of what looks to be an interesting novel and look forward to reading more of it.
Best wishes,
Tegs.
Hi Werewolf,
This piece is a good start so soon after joining WDC.
You seem to have experienced things that others don’t care to involve themselves in, and want to explain to others about them. Your familiarity with the paranormal come over to this reader as first-hand encounters.
Grammar mistakes are present, but correcting them is straightforward. I suggest you google the free version of Quillbot and run your work through it. It will also help with the passive writing.
Be mindful of the number of sentences that begin with 'I or I've', as it leads to passive writing.
I’ve edited the first two sentences as an example of what I mean.
The occult, paranormal, or anything dark, macabre, disturbing, always fascinated and drew me in.
My unwavering belief in its genuineness accompanied a persistent desire for concrete evidence, a 100% certainty of its existence.
There is a very helpful site at - https://writershelpingwriters.net/
They have lots of free, and helpful writing tools and plenty of encouraging advice
I hope you enjoy your stay here and wish you well.
Tegs.
Hi WriterRick,
I found your piece - November...—while looking through The Bard's Hall Contest. It’s a clever and enjoyable work, and well worth the read. It’s well paced, and you caught Amelia really well.
Just a reminder. Don’t forget to put what quote you're using either at the top or bottom of your work. Also, the word count. Otherwise, it could be disqualified.
Another thought would be to change the line: -
Amelia's inner thoughts intertwined seamlessly with the external beauty before her.
To something more direct, such as: -
Amelia's inner thoughts fused perfectly with the external beauty before her.
Hi Hope,
Welcome to Writing.com. I hope you settle in and enjoy some productive time here.
I read your piece, The Camino de Sandiago, and your story impressed me with its peaceful serenity. It made for good reading. There were a couple of things I noticed. The first was Sandiago, which should be Santiago. The other thing was the opening. Because the phrasing seemed a little out of kilter, it became a little confusing. I did a little rephrasing on the opening. It’s what you wrote, but in a slightly different order. I can email you a copy if you wish.
Best wishes,
Tegs.
Hi Sol,
Congratulations on getting your writing out there. You write very well, but occasionally your choice of words could be better. A few examples below: -
alert pantheon - may be better going with architectural wonders
fragile eyes –weak eyes.
Although, it seems that no one - Although, no one
pittering of hail - pattering of hail
downcasted – downcast
One thing that threw me was - Gregory was a quiet deity. Is he godlike?
Try not to use too many filler words, and remember to give all your character’s voices their own line or lines. Example below: -
Gregory glared with all the wrath he could muster at this moment. He muttered, in a nonchalant tone, "I hate you." Eliza looked back, even more angry, still holding the tattered book in her hands. "I hate you so much for what you have done," said Gregory.
Gregory glared at her, and infuriated, snapped. "I hate you."
Eliza glared back at him, anger flashing in her eyes.
"I hate you for what you did," said Gregory.
I left out the book because you never referred to it earlier.
A couple of apps you may be interested in are: -
Wordweb at : - https://wordweb.info/free/
It is a thesaurus that sits in the taskbar and you can call it up by the click of your mouse.
The other is the free version of Quillbot at: - https://quillbot.com
It helps with all aspects of your writing.
Anyway. Overall, a great start on WDC and, I hope you enjoy yourself while you're are here.
Best wishes,
Tegs.
I remember reviewing something else you wrote. At the time, I didn’t know English was a second language for you. So, congratulations on your writing achievements.
Your grammar is precise and correct, but I think the phrasing is a little too formal for fantasy fiction. I’ve edited the first three paragraphs as an example of what I mean.
Please don’t think I’m saying this is the way to do it. Someone else could edit it completely differently. In the end, the choice is always yours.
My wet clothes clung to me. Shivering, I wiped the sodden hair from my face.
The tall trees offered no protection from the curtain of heavy rain beating down on me.
How much further? I’m compelled to make the village before midnight.
There is an excellent site on YouTube that explains the complexities of sentences and phrasing. It’s at: - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N70D6xP0aQo
Also, there is an excellent little app called WordWeb. It’s a free dictionary/thesaurus. It sits in the taskbar at the bottom of the screen. You call it up with a click of the mouse button: - https://wordweb.info/free/
Best wishes, and keep on writing, Tegs.
Hi C.L.B.
Welcome back. You may have a good story going with this piece, it’s too early to tell yet.
One thing I would say is to cut out the beginning. Nothing happens and the only thing the reader gets from it is Nora’s name.
As a suggestion, you could start with the action line: -
How to die and suddenly matter.
You could then work Nora’s name into the storyline as it progresses.
I noticed your suffering with the (L Sep) problem after a period. I think this happens when using the wrong font in Microsoft Word on a mac computer. If this is the case, you can usually fix it by going to: -
Hi Alexandria Bawell,
I read your request for beta writers. Do you mean readers?
I admire your pluck in wanting to write a novel. But if you are new to writing, it will be a daunting task. If it is your first effort, writing between 80,000 to 100,000 words is a big ask. If you're not new to writing, I’d say go for it, and I’d wish you the best of luck.
Keeping track of your characters will be challenging. Then there is the plot, pacing and phrasing to consider.
A good place to see what you need before writing a novel is: - https://blog.reedsy.com/how-to-write-a-novel/
Again, if you are new, this is a good place to hone your craft. Here you can enter short story competitions or request honest reviews of your work.
Whatever you decide, I wish you luck in your endeavours,
Tegs
Hi Angel,
Be Brave and Be Lost, is a good start with some nice touches to keep the reader interested. The last paragraph rekindled memories of the confusion of puberty, so well done.
I noticed there were already reviews for your work, so I won’t cover old ground.
One thing I caught. There is a lot of passive writing. It slows the reader down and leads to overwriting.
I’ve jotted down a few examples below: -
is scared - frightened
I was scared and trembling like a dry leaf – Scared, I trembled like a dry leaf.
The small girl in me was anxious but excited - It excited the small anxious girl in me
I was lost alone in the dark and nobody found me. Nobody found me lost and alone in the darkness.
Most of us are scared to be lost, but only by being lost is that you find yourself. Most of us fear going astray, but by losing your way, you find yourself.
The little girl is scared no more - The little girl no longer fears
being lost on the way – after losing her way
that world – the world
And then in one sunny day - One sunny day
You can download the free Hemingway Editor from: - https://hemingwayapp.com/
It’s a good way of learning. It points out certain things, then leaves you to sort them out.
Best wishes and I hope you enjoy your stay here,
Tegs.
Hi Espero,
I found - An Unexpected Encounter, a good read, and enjoyed the suspense of the character’s thoughts, actions, and reactions.
But I think the number of adverbs, run-on sentences, along with some of the phrasing, slows down the narrative.
An example would be the first two paragraphs. I’ve rephrased them. See what you think: -
I sat on my front porch feeling lazy as one does after finishing their chores, and time stood still for a moment.
Dusk fell as a slight wind stirred the colorful fallen leaves into a ballet of joy. The rustling noise of the leaves was music to my ears. They enlightened my soul with harmony. My feet were restless, so I joined the symphony and ventured into the woods.
I think if you ran this through the free version of the Hemingway App. You could make this story even better.
You will find it at - https://hemingwayapp.com/
Best wishes,
Tegs.
Hi Evie123,
I like your writing style. Crisp short sentences. I think it reminds me of Hemingway.
A couple of things I noticed - my own face - my face
miracles do happen - miracles happen
Who started – Then giggled
You should lengthen this tale. I would love to know what the miracle was. There is more you can do with this, but it’s your choice.
I Hope you enjoy yourself here and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Best wishes,
Tegs.
Hy Zei,
Welcome, I hope you enjoy yourself here at WDC. It is a friendly site where we never stop learning.
This story is very readable, but it suffers from passive writing instead of active.
I edited the first paragraph below to show what I mean. Have a look and see what you think.
The world is a bleak wasteland, ravaged by years of war, pollution, and overpopulation. Smoke and smog choke the skies. Debris from crumbling buildings fills the streets. What cities remain, teem with people living in squalor and poverty. Everything, from the food people eat to the air they breathe, is government controlled. Surveillance is everywhere. Privacy is now a memory. Punishment for non-compliance is the only thing keeping the population in check.
Another tip. You only need to tell the reader Sarah is walking through the city once. It becomes repetitive for the reader when you start too many paragraphs that way.
I found the free Hemingway Editor app very helpful in sorting passive into active. You'll find it at: - https://hemingwayapp.com/
Best wishes, Tegs
Hi Jinxx,
Great story telling. You seem to have the knack of engaging the reader and immersing them in the storyline.
But there are quite a few typos and grammar mistakes. They don’t really take anything away from the action, but they should be sorted.
Below are some I found.
New Years Encounter
New Year Encounter you lack of attention span
your lack of attention span
Climbing up orto one of the guardrails,
Perhaps - Climbing onto a guardrail,
so long ago.
so long ago?
Her face brighters
Her face brightens
drunkenly stumble
drunkenly stumbling You words are
Your words are
A small tip. Don’t have run-on sentences. An example would be: -
Her face brightens up as she sees your face. You could just use - Her face brightens. The next line, "Lexi? Is that you?" shows she saw you. It helps keep your writing active, not passive.
Another is: - You finally manage to make it to the pizza place where you are able to grab the last table. On making it to the pizza place, we grabbed the last table.
You can download the free version of Quillbot Grammar checker at: - https://quillbot.com/
It will help with the grammar and punctuation.
Best wishes,
Tegs.
Hi Sorji,
Sorry to hear about your health problems over the last two years. I hope in this year your wellness returns and you can get back to normal living. I hope your plan for improving your fitness works out.
You have covered a lot of ground in this Dear Me. I know it’s a first draft, and your open to suggestions. With that in mind, I have some.
Most of your work in the passive mode. If you could rewrite it in the active mode, it would make it somewhat clearer.
There is good work in it. It just needs paring down.
I put a few examples below: -
the time has come to set new goals. it's time to set new goals.
I intend to write for the compilation and self-publish them together with a cover I can be proud of and made available pretty much anywhere books are sold, as well as ebooks. I intend to compile and self-publish them with a cover. My aim is to make them available anywhere they sell books and e-books.
NaNo WriMo. NaNo has been instrumental in the process of getting my books written, despite the fact that only one book has been published and the other is being considered for an intense rewrite because it was amateur-hour gore wrapped in a very flimsy story. NaNoWriMo. NaNo helps get my books written. Though I only published one book. I'm considering an intense rewrite of the other. It was an amateur-hour gore wrapped in a very flimsy story.
Due to the way my body has been beaten down by sickness over the past two years, Because of sickness beating my body down over the past two years,
I suggest you run this work through the free Hemingway app. https://hemingwayapp.com/
I will help you with the passive writing and overlong sentences.
Another free app worth trying is the free for the moment – Quillbot https://quillbot.com/grammar-check
Keep in mind, not to let it auto correct. Most grammar checkers get confused with creative writing. Such as, they don’t recognise contractions.
My best wishes, and I hope you do well in the competition
Tegs.
Welcome Leslie,
Nice storytelling. I liked the way you researched your weapons and used your extinct animals. I also enjoyed the way your writing carries the reader along at an almost breathless pace.
But and there is always a ‘but’ in writing to entertain others. The nuts & bolts of your writing needs work. Too many mistakes in the grammar, besides many long sentences. Long sentences make your writing passive. Shorter sentences incline to make it active.
Run this story through the free version of ‘Hemmingway editor.’ Use control C to copy, and control V to paste. https://hemingwayapp.com/
If you use it, don’t get alarmed at what you find. Work with it and try to turn all the colours into black and white, and your writing will look sharp.
Another suggestion would also be to search the net for free grammar checkers. There are quite a few out there these days.
Below, I rewrote your first two sentences to explain what I mean about short sentences. I sneaked a glance around the thick trunk of an oak tree. My ears twitched, listening for the snap of a twig or the crunch of leaves. Chilled rain fell, making the air crisp and moist. I suppressed a shiver as a fat droplet slid down my bare back.
My stomach somersaulted as I eyed the stag again. I knocked the shaft of an arrow into the bow. To steady myself, I took a deep breath and pulled back the string. I aimed around the tree for the exposed throat of the creature.
Hope you enjoy it here and stay with us,
Tegs.
Hi Molly Garcia,
I don’t do a lot of reviews. If something strikes me as very readable, I try to criticise it to make it more enjoyable.
You have an interesting style of writing. It draws the reader in and invites them onto a journey with your characters. I found most of your pacing good, but thought there was some overwriting.
I would say. Try to keep your sentences short, simple, and the writing crisp. Watch out for the unneeded adverbs, such as: -
Phil was therefore surprised It surprised Phil
day and place and now Maggie was nervously stood outside the pub. day and place. Now a nervous Maggie stood outside the pub.
Adverbs drag your writing into a passive mode. Although they are not grammar errors, they break up the pacing and style.
I noted how many times you used the word ‘had’. Someone advised me, if the word ‘had’ appears in a sentence, you can delete it. Or, there is a better way of phrasing the sentence.
Examples: -
Maggie had a quick glance around the room. Nell had insisted she come along tonight, and Maggie had reluctantly agreed. Not long out of a relationship that had ended with her catching him screwing a woman in their bed, Maggie hadn't felt up to it, but Nell had insisted. Maggie glanced around the room. Nell insisted she came tonight, and although reluctant, she agreed. She didn't feel up to it, but Nell insisted. Maggie was fresh out of a relationship. It ended when she caught him screwing a woman in their bed.
He judged her to be slightly on the short side at 5ft 3 but with curves that made his stomach clench. Her heart shaped face was framed by wild auburn curls and her wide-spaced, green eyes flashed around the room until they alighted on the chubby blonde. She was on the short side, but her curves made his stomach clench. Wild auburn curls framed her heart-shaped face. Her green, wide-set eyes flashed around the room until they alighted on the chubby blonde.
The same goes for the word ‘that’: -
The rest of the night was a blur that went too slowly. Every other woman he spoke to was a grey, shadow in comparison to Maggie. The rest of the night was a slow blur. Compared to Maggie, every other woman he spoke to was a grey shadow.
It’s good to have you on board, and you enjoy it here.
Best wishes,
Tegs.
Hi VeeJay, Fifty Years of the White Album. This is an interesting retelling of your enthusiasm for the Beatles. Also interesting were your thoughts and comments on the White Album.
I was lucky enough to see them live when I lived on Merseyside. Once at the Tower Ballroom, and again at the Grosvenor Ballroom. They called themselves Silver Beatles then. Your piece brought back many happy memories.
I enjoyed reading your work, and hope to read more from you.
But there are some grammar errors in it. You can sort them out with one of the many free grammar checkers online.
It would be worth running this through the free version of the Hemmingway Editor app. It will help you find long sentences and the use of too many adverbs instead of adjectives.
Except in dialogue, try deleting the word ‘that’, or replace with ‘it’ or ‘the’. It will streamline your text.
There are exceptions, such as where a sentence needs rephrasing below is an example: -
It was in the spring of 1970 that my ears finally got to open that particular box of candy
It was the spring of 1970 when my ears opened to this box of candy
entered the our home – delete ‘the’
Below are a couple of internet sites you may find interesting. They both give an interesting and humorous view of the way the Beatles evolved. https://www.beatlesbible.com/1962/10/12/live-tower... http://beatlesliverpoollocations.blogspot.com/2017...
Best wishes,
Tegs.
Hi Lucy Baker
Congratulations on posting your first works. I took a particular interest in your RMS Titanic, and I enjoyed reading it.
When I was seventeen, I met Stanley Phillip Lord, the captain of the California. He died in a mariner’s park rest home. It was only a brief meeting. He seemed a pleasant, honest, well-mannered man.
He always denied he could have saved those who perished in Titanic’s misfortune.
An icefield enclosed the California. She telegraphed Titanic twice, warning them of the icefield. Titanic was busy sending passengers’ messages to Cape Race. They never answered the second telegraph.
The California watch said. When they saw Titanic, it had stopped. They presumed Titanic’s watch took notice of their warning. They also emphasized; the rockets they saw were not distress rockets.
A point the inquiry never considered. The big liners could power their way through small bergs called growlers. But they could hole smaller freighters. It took the California two hours in daylight to pick its way out of the icefield. In the darkness, she would have taken a lot longer to reach the Titanic than the Carpathia did.
Many other things contributed to the disaster, including her 22 knots steaming speed. It was an attempt to win the Blue Ribbon for the fastest Atlantic crossing.
If you're interested in Titanic, a piece to read is on: - https://www.thoughtco.com/little-known-facts-about...
I noticed some long sentences. Also, a few problems with style and phrasing. I can recommend two apps to help you. One is: - https://hemingwayapp.com/
The other: - https://quillbot.com/?utm_medium=paid_search&utm_s...
I hope you enjoy WDC, and get a lot of pleasure from it,
Tegs.
Hi Sumojo,
Congratulations and thanks for an entertaining, well plotted story.
I noticed a few things for you to mull over.
I’d look again at - The setting sun, because you next say later that day
Below is a very long sentence. Not being the author, I could look at it as a reader. I came up with what you see below it.
Even the thought of his father brought a lump to his throat, and thought, as he often did, the old man would be devastated by the way things had turned out with the farm. The thought of his father brought a lump to his throat. He often thought the way things turned out on the farm would have devastated the old man.
Also: -
Living alone most of the time on her property, while her husband worked away, Mort had got to know her quite well over the last few weeks when he did some handyman work for her. She lived alone most of the time, while her husband worked away. When Mort did some handyman work for her over the last few weeks, he got to know her well.
Again, thanks for a good read,
Tegs.
Hi Sarah Rae,
You’re writing very good. I’m not a big fan of sanitised Regency romances. But I know many people enjoy them. I found this piece very readable and very interesting. I suppose the good news is, Regency romance novels are taking off again in a big way.
One thing I noticed was a lot of the sentences because of their length became hard to read. It might be worth breaking this down into three chapters. You could try running them through the free ‘Hemmingway editor app’ to sort out the hard to read parts.
With smaller chapters, you could get many more reviews from the Jane Austen fans on site.
Whatever you decide, I wish you luck with what could be a great read.
Tegs.
Hi BubblePig,
This is a soulful storyline, and it works. You handle descriptions and perceptions well. I know it is a work in progress, but it reads a little like an essay rather than an active story.
I’ve rewritten the first two paragraphs. The storyline remains the same. I’ve just rephrased parts of it. Take a look and see what you think.
Winter was cold. In the morning you would wake to a sparkling, frost covered earth. It crunched as you climbed hills and walked across fields. At school, there would be puddles of water in the cloakrooms, giving reflections of little bobble hats in rows.
When it snowed; graceful, fat flakes danced across the night sky. A blanket of white buried the earth, and the air was still and serene. The entire world became hushed in a deep sleep.
It would be worth running it through – Grammar Coach.
They have a free version at the moment, so take advantage while you can. https://www.grammarcoach.com/documents/eXQA0p2EcIa...
Keep writing, you have a talent,
Tegs.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/granville
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.15 seconds at 11:18am on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
