This is a really fun little story and has some great imagery and ideas in it. I would love to see more actual dialogue and action - have the story told by the priest himself, etc - that way there is more showing and less telling, it will involve the reader more.
One edit item I found:
"Also, two plates of assorted, not too fancy, cakes and buns." - This sentance is a fragment and needs to either be added to the previous sentence or added to to make a complete sentance.
Again, this is really fun and I look forward to reading more. Keep up the good work!
You have a great start here and some great ideas that would make a very appealing children's story. I did feel that it was a bit too heavy on the telling and would be even better if you showed more. For example in the first paragraph:
"I hate you. I hate everyone," Thomas screamed as he ran from the cafeteria. Chris had just called him a dummy, saying he couldn’t even eat right. This was after Thomas accidently turned his milk over at the table. Chris was always picking on Thomas. Everyone is always picking on em, Thomas thought. Just because he was clumsy about some things, everyone thought he was retarded and teased him all the time. But, Chris was the absolute worst. - You start off with a lot of telling, it would really be neat to have you show this scene at the beginning - then you wouldn't need to tell us that Chris was a mean bully because you would have already shown us. Have Christ actually walk up to Thomas and dump his milk all over him and say, "Dummy". Then you can have Thomas yell the I hate you line and show him running to his safe place, etc. I think it would make a much stronger beginning to your story. Right now we are learning about your characters, but we aren't learning to relate to them - showing helps readers care about and relate to the characters in the story. I can read "Chris is mean" and I shrug and say, "Yeah, so Chris is mean," or I can read "Chris sauntered up to Thomas, a smirk on his face. Slowly he tipped his millk across Thomas's lap, "What's wrong dummy? Peed yourself?" and then I am thinking, "Wow, Chris is such a jerk". Not because you told me, but because through his actions I saw what a jerk he was. This makes me also feel more empathy for poor Thomas. I hope that makes sense and helps. It is something I am constantly working on as well. :) Also no comma is needed after "but" - in fact, you might want to illiminate the "but" altogether.
Intriguing and definitely action packed, you do a great job of keeping the story moving. I do have one suggestion that I noticed right off. In your first paragraph it should read chickens rather than chicken, but even better would be to avoid the cliche all together.
Well written poem -makes the reader think. Though at times difficult to read. The reason I find is that you seem to switch some words around that would be more effective in their usual order. For example: Magic black rather than Black Magic. Hours Promised compared to Promised Hours. Also, who are "Those" it might be better t say "The Wise". The last half of the third stanza seems a bit confusing and garbled - I don't feel like the "if the search leads somewhere fresh" is explained well in the lines that follow.
Remember these are just my opinions and I think you are doing a great job - I'm not trying to put your writing down at all, just point out some areas that I found awkward and might appear awkward to others.
This is beautiful and reminds us all of the precious heros in our lives - that they don't have to save someone from a burning building to be a hero. There are so many ways to show strength and courage.
My two year old son is a hero to me - having been diagnosed at 10 day old with a deadly heart defect and life flighted to the nearest hospital capable of performing open heart surgery on infants. He nearly died - a few times. But that little guy just fough and kept fighting. He is doing awesome today and a hero in our family.
Thank you for writing this touching tribute to the heros in your family and reminding us of ours.
Hi again, I didn't realize you wrote both of this one too until I was reading it through. Once again a great poem, and beautiful well written thoughts. I do have the same comments on this one though about punctuation. A lot of your commas are not needed and will interrupt the flow. You only want a comma where you want the reader to pause, and unless you really want them to pause at the end of every line (which can create a sing-songy read that has little feeling) you might want to consider some comma revision. If you decide to revise the punctuation and want some comma help, I would be glad to assist you.
Cute little poem - I like it. One thing I noticed that you might consider working on is your punctuation. A poem should follow the same punctation rules as prose. Here are some ideas:
Stanza one: the first two lines are not a complete sentence, rather the second is a describer and should be surrounded by commas:
Waiting for a response,
Pathetic as it may seem,
As an artist it's what keeps me going,
Whether you're thankful or mean.
Stanza two: first thankful should have a comma after it, and the last line flows into the next stanza as one full sentance. The comma at the end of it disrupts the flow and interrupts the sentance. It really shouldn't be there.
If thankful, I'm thankful you're thankful.
If mean, I search for mistakes.
Not just to make sure my bank's full,
But so that I can create
Stanza three: punctuation seems fine here, but the "and so" doesn't seem to fit - it feels rather unnecessary (Excuse me, I never know when I spell that word right or not).
Stanza four: second line would read smoother I think if you added "do" after "to". No comma is needed after "us" in the third stanza.
So please be open and honest,
As I will try to "do" (just a suggestion) for you.
Changes you know come upon us
When we are open and true.
I hope the suggestions help, it really is a great poem and I enjoyed it.
Intriguing poem - an interesting take on the aspect of pride. The reference to humble pie still feels a bit cliche to me even though you changed it up a bit, I wonder if there isn't some more original and creative way to reference that. There is one typo at the very end:
"without the dropping a single crumb
in my lap." - 'the' isn't needed and it makes it very awkward to read.
The story is good one, though the rhythm from time to time doesn't flow easily. There are times where I feel the story, language and quality(word choice), is sacrificed for the rhyme. There are a few typos - one is in the description "excapes" should be "escapes".
"After Thee" means 'after you" so in essence you are saying that a boar is attacking the reader - it is a bit confusing.
"He decided to pup up a fight" - I think you want "put" here.
"The stick pushed deep inside,
The pigs big fat hide." - there should be no comma - it is all one phrase and you need an apostrophe in "pig's".
You have some comma issues - you don't need a comma at the end of every line - many times the comma isn't needed and interupts the flow of the poem - revise your commas and take out the unneccesary ones. A good way to do this is to write it out as a story, sometimes we get in the habit of sticking a comma in just because it is the end of a line, writing it as a story shows us where the commas really should be.
The last line feels awkward and doesn't seem to fit well, you might revise it a bit.
There is a wonderful message in this poem - I think it could be a bit tighter - you have a lot of excess language and words that could be eliminated - one phrase that sticks out is "it's like". That is a really weak phrase and sucks the power out of the poem. Don't tell us what it is like - tell us what it IS. Watch your repetition and consult your thesaurus - this is helpful not only for elminating reptition of words, but sometimes you can find a really powerful word that can take the place of 3 or 4 mediocre words.
This is a beautiful story - and I was intrigued in it, just from the view point of having a son with a congenital heart defect and going through heart surgery with him. The one thing I would like to see a lot more of is showing rather than telling. It would make the story a lot longer most likey, but I believe would make it more powerful, touching and easy to read. It was a bit too easy to start skimming from time to time - I think more action and dialogue would maintain the readers direct attention.
These are great lyrics - I can really see them turned into a song. One comment I have is that, especially as lyrics, they need some punctuation. This is especially important, because the singer would use the commas and periods to know when was appropriate to breathe during the song.
"And all of the stars" - I think it reads better without the 'of' - it's not really needed.
"That's now how it goes" - should 'now' be 'not'? It seems like it, and it reads more smoothely if it is 'not'.
You have some sweet senitments, and one one can feel the wistful feeling in your words. There are a few typos and comma issues:
What if I said I loved you even though.... there is no need for a comma in this phrase - it is all one thought shouldn't be broken. In fact the only commas you need in the piece are the following:
"Would anything I've said
Matter to you, you of the other love?" (notice I've eliminated the comma after 'said' for the same reasons I mentioned above.
"Would it, anything I've said,
Make you realize that I have always wanted you?"
(notice the addition of the comma after 'would it' - this is neccessary for the flow of the piece. WIthout it, it is confusing and doesn't read right. I had to read the line 3 times before I knew what you were trying to say without the comma)
The commas in the 4th stanza aren't neccesary, but they don't interupt the rythm either - the choice is yours there.
in the 5th stanza the first comma should be a semicolon, 'ther' should be 'there'.
This would make a great longer story - and you have some great descriptions here. With a full cast of characters and a switch from telling to showing, I think you would have a really cool story. I hope to see you do more with it. :)
Interesting article - though I must say you make it a bit confusing to decide which side you are on - I would like to see you push your viewpoint just a bit more - as most columns/articles are of the persuasive variety - and this had a semi persuasive feel. I didn't see any technical errors. Great writing. :)
Fabulous poem - I really like this. One picky edit item: 'god' should really be capitalized - "God". Other than that I didn't see any other edit items - i found it well written and concise in carrying your thoughts to the reader. Well done.
A great poem - I love the patriotic take on it - the all caps bugs me, it makes it feel like someone is shouting. Though I love the patriotic take on it, it feels a bit out of place from the beginning of the poem - I would like to see more spent on the symbolism of the stars on the flag.
Great job on this double acrostic - there is one line that seem a bit confusing - it is the fifth line - It just somehow seems out of place, or not well fit into the poem. Aside from that, this is enjoyable and I love your visual imagery.
A very concise poem - but rather ordinary - I think if you were to find some pewerful nouns and descriptive words that you could bring out much more emotion in the reader. I can see a lot of potential here. I like how you have the title crossed off - that is very clever. Keep writing
interesting - I don't know that I understand it - I know it is set upon Romeo and Juliet, but at the same time it doesn't seem to make any sense. I think with some effort you could turn it into a good poem - I hate to be negative - I'll try to find time to review some of your other things.
Great start - lot sof dialogue - I like that, I feel it really keeps a story moving. You seem to have a nice blend between showing and telling. You also leave the reader wondering what is going to happen in the next chapter. keep up the good work.
Great poem, really describes the emotions that someone feels when up against writer's block. as for a title - good luck, I find that I am never happy with a title I don't discover myself. It will hit you one of these days. :)
This sounds like it will be a good story - as you continue to work on it. :) You had a lot of dialogue which I like and it makes the story stronger. There is quite a good ammount showing, though I think there could be more in some areas, keep an eye out for that. The one thing that didn't click with me were the abrupt transitions - but I think that is personal preference.
Interesting - it leave one wondering if you are being sarcastic or truthful. :) Maybe you should take up calligraphy. :) Then you can have all the pretty letters, but not the thought process, and combining meaningless words - then you are just giving life to someone else's brilliant words. :)
What a great friend this dog was - I felt your pain as I read this of loosing such a good friend and confident. It is a very touching tribute - one that would make Goldie proud. No major typos or anything that I saw - Keep writing! :)
*reviewed in the Birthday Bash*
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