I really enjoyed this. I like sci-fi and you did great job with the imagery. It kept my interest from beginning to end.
Some suggestions you can use if you wish.
A cause that can only result in the death, torture and destruction of millions, and has. The punctuation here is correct. I was thinking adding a dash to put more emphasis on the end. of million--and has.
if it weren’t for the paralysis that was the only welcoming effect of this light. again nothing wrong, I just thought it may have more impact on the reader if it was broken up. if it weren't for the paralysis, the only welcoming effect of this light
. I could only just make out my squad mates. this sentence is a bit awkward. maybe reword- I could barely make out my squad mates. or something like that.
A large tower of bones, that cast a sickly light off of the white of the bone just thought maybe you could replace one of the places you had bones with skeletons-- perhaps?
Oh Bill, I absolutely adore your sense of humor! I love the bit about the fifty digit account number and the remark about mailing a cow for less. I'm still laughing.
My suggestions that you can use if you wish.
The only thing I saw was this -- {e"sick} {e"rolleyes}-- wasn't sure if it was intentional?
This is a hilarious story. I can see Merv climbing out of his box and ready to make himself at home. I like his sarcastic humor. Youd did a great job using the prompt and finding a way to explain why someone would find an elf under their tree.
I found this on the review request board. Very pretty poem and full of emotion. I like the analogy of the falling petals and at the end they continue to fall, great ending.
Some suggestions you can use if you wish.
This is just a pet peeve of mine, but the i's please capitalize your I's.
What a sick demented tale you've written, but something made me keep reading. It's like watching a horror movie and a gruesome part comes up, I cover my eyes, but still peek between my fingers. I could see every bloody, gory detail. The part about the being castrated with pliers made me cringe, but I loved it.
I like this creepy tale. I didn't expect the ending.
Some suggestions you can use if you wish.
I turned to run, comma may not be needed.and stopped short. I should have guessed.
“What?” I asked, badly frightened. just a thought: maybe instead of saying badly frightened you could show the emotions with the dialogue. You've done great within the rest of the story.
I enjoyed the story. You've done a great job with imagery. Very original too, I might add.
Some suggestions you can use if you wish.
Sadness seeped from [the?]sky to weary joints[,] and the storyteller thought of warmer times--times before the aftermath of the War of No Fault.
She had never experienced them herself, but, as a child, she had listened to the stories. there are too many commas in this sentence causing it to read a bit awkward.
The words of the sacred book shouted in her thoughts[,] “There is a noise of war in the camp”.put the period inside the quotation marks.
This is a cute story and you did a good job writing it from the point of view of a child.
Some suggestions you can use if you wish.
Mommy had dressed me up in my prettiest dress that we brought all the way from Lawrence. The two word so close maybe using Mommy had me put on the prettiest dress, or something like that so there isn't the repeat.
We go and sit down, and some guy talks for a long time, and then we go back and get in our cars, and drive to the cemetery, where they're gonna bury Grandpa. there are four 'and' in tha sentence and there were other places in the story with a great deal of 'and'. Maybe you could make separate sentences, or try using other words. We sit down while some guy talks for a long time.Then, we get into our cars and drive to the cemetary, where they're gonna bury Grandpa.
I know it's written from the POV of a child, but the 'and' is over used.
The word you use in this poem create vivid images. It also made me feel for the loved ones who are also affected by the disease.
Some suggestions you can use if you wish.
Her insides are the only things that
She has eaten in what seems like forever.These first two lines are good description because it made me picture a body wasting away.
Bill, I saw this while in your port. The title caught my attention, and then the description made me have to take a look. I enjoyed it. the dialogue brought the characters to life, and I could see Jack with his chewed head. The ending I didn't expect at all, and when Charlie joined in, I admit, I laughed. Even though it was scary the picture of him in my mind joining the dogs was hilarious.
** Image ID #1164760 Unavailable **
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/gooble
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.24 seconds at 9:18pm on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Welcome to WDC!! 