Interesting how different things remind us of the people we love - past and present. It seems like your poem tells a story, or a growing love, and perhaps the loss of that love. Your poem captures the essence of the story very well, in a calm and convincing manner.
A great rhyming poem about what sounds like a very nasty creature! Each line adds more to the legend, but also to the strange relationship shared between the protagonist and the creature. I like how your poem tells a story, with a beginning middle and end.
Well done!
A simple poem, but it truly captures the feeling I know all too well. That i imagine we all know too well. Nothing hurts worse than that simple sentence. I hope things are going better for you now! Remember, sometimes we have to stop looking backwards to see the awesome things life has instore for us ahead!
Thank you for sharing a very touching piece, a piece that speaks of pain at the end of a period of great happiness. I hope things are looking up now! Remember, sometimes we need to stop looking backwards, so that we can look forward to the amazing things life has in store for us :)
Thank you for sharing this interesting story. Its always very interesting reading about peoples childhoods. That was one interesting goal you had there. I have to say, it was a VERY different idea you had there. I can't say many people would have dreamt of being a pole vaulter as a kid! lol, high jumping was certainly a much safer route. Sounds like you could have really hurt your back too!
Anyway, great stuff. Thank you
Write on!
Aaron
Wow! This was a very rich and engaging poem. The imagery was beautiful and very sad at the same time. It effectively showed your story, and what you have lost. It was very well written and flowed well.
Great work!
Write on1
Aaron
I'm not sure who's point of view this is from. At first i thought it must be an abandoned girlfriend, but then there is the 'left outside' part, so i'm guessing maybe its a dog or some type of pet.
An odd piece, to be sure, which left me with more questions than answers. I like how you've managed to immediately make the reader feel sorry for the protagonist, without ever betraying who or what the protagonist is.
I actually quite liked this one, there really is nothing wrong with it. I think I'll give this one the Awardicon - it was either this or the war one i think!
Write on!
Aaron
Hmm, a nice little piece. I cannot claim to be a poem (I think i've written one poem in my life people have actually deemed 'good'), but there seemed to be something too this, some sort of deeper meaning. I'm not sure :P
Still, I can see this poem being read out in those English classes at school, and students being asked 'now what did this mean?'
Overall, it seems well written, especially for a poem which rhymes. You obviously know what you're doing in the poetry department!
One thing I didn't get was the 'blue jeans and t-shirts nothing new'. When I think of jeans, I think lighter blue for some reason, don't know.
Plot
Hmm, a voodooist has made a special prediction for Crystal. This is interesting - and seems to indicate that her fiance has some pretty nasty plans in mind. This is certainly not a usual romance book. So far, we've only had glimpses of who might be the 'hero', and her fiance certainly doesn't look nice. I hope there was something to the shadow in the church, because i'm sure its raised questions the reader won't soon forget!
Characters
Crystal stays in character well here. Even though I half expected her to leap out after her sister, she resisted at first. I'd half forgotten that part of her personality, and that reinforced what had appeared in the first chapter.
I feel you're starting to develop her sisters characters as well, which is neat. How many sisters does she have again? Just curious because I'm thinking 5 siblings would be the top most readers will be able to remember.
Overall your characters in this chapters are good, I like them.
Setting
While your descriptions were brilliant, I felt some of them dragged on a tiny bit. They needed some more actions to be included with them, perhaps to split them up a bit so that the reader doesn't find themselves skipping whole paragraphs. When you have long paragraphs describing a scene, that can be attempting to the reader.
Try splitting up some of the bigger paragraphs perhaps, and adding actions or MC character reactions to spice them up.
Line by line:
There was little hope of getting anywhere’s quickly in a coach
-anywhere
she asked her head cocked to the side in triumph.
-comma needed after asked.
It was only moments before Crystal and Rose forgot their doubts of moments before
- two moments, remove one.
Half-naked bronze-colored Indians reeled drunkenly through the mob, one nearly colliding with Rose who gave a little shriek of disgust and leaped out of the way. The Place d’Armes was abundant in provocative quadroon girls, wearing bright-striped tigons, and chaperoned by their mothers, who were boldly exhibiting them to the white gentlemen of the town. Old Creole men, wearing knee breeches and carrying gold snuff-boxes, walked along slowly, leaning on their canes. Nuns in black robes and veils appeared to float as they passed, eyes downcast. Young guards in uniform swaggered, eyes alert for pretty girls. Crystal firmly moved Dawn and Rose in the opposite direction as the men started towards them. “I’m engaged!” was Crystal’s response to their huffy glances.
- I loved this description!
The watchtower had once been used to warn of fires in the city at night
- doesn't make sense.
Plot
This is a very interesting story developing, and i find i quite like this saphire character. The plot is certainly advancing quickly enough (personally i thought there was going to be quite a bit of story about Damien finding Saphire. Perhaps this would be an interesting route to go down, especially if it meant he got there slightly too late - finding Saphire kidnapped. This could add in some action at the start, having him chasing the kidnappers to save her, and therefore proving his goodness). Anyway, that's just extra. What i found a little bit of a let down was the way the story flowed. It was all very matter of fact, this happened then that happened. You need to interupt this with personal thoughts of your characters - ones that aren't just talked about but also described in their physical actions (ie. clenched fists, heart thudding, cold sweat, etc). This will really enrich your story telling
Character
As i said, i quite like Saphire - more so when complimented by Stacey. I would seriuosly consider keeping stacey around when they go off to the new place with Damien. It would make it more intersting, and give Saphire a girl of her own age to interact with. Now, the let down with the characters was that they weren't described all that well. And after that, no reference is really given to their physical characteristics - this means the reader immediately forgets them. Try to disperse some references in the rest of teh chapter (and book) as well in order to help remind them.
The other thing i didn't particularly enjoy (although it was explained to a point) was some of the dialogue was also a bit matter of fact. then again, alot was really good, so its just a matter of getting that consistancy down. Saphire really needs to show more emotion - i know shes not sure it its just a dream, but its still quite essential.
Setting
Remember that there are 5 senses. At the moment you've got some great visual elements, but once you add in the other 4 senses you'll really be drawing your reader in.
Overall, its developing well. Just needs some time for editing and it'll be great!
WRite on!
Aaron
Plot
I really liked how you started this chapter off in Charles' head. It gave the reader a real insight into whats going on int he background of your story, and gives us a tantalizing hint of trouble to come. The engagement announcement was also interesting, because it means the plot will now either get wildly out of control, or fixate on something new. My guess is that the hunt for this mysterious stranger is going to be its new fixation. Thats good, so long as its engaging/exciting and actually gets somewhere. I'm also looking forward to future interactions with charles.
Character
It's interesting how Charles has managed to manipulate Crystals entire family. However, I would have thought he'd do a better job of doing the same with Crystal, given he seems to be a meticulous sort of person. Crystal seems on the brink of doing something completely out of the mold her parents have made for her. It will be interseting to see what happens with this experiance - especially if she gets caught. Charles is the real development in this chapter though. The fear now has a face, and in the same two chapters in which you've introduced him, it turns out he's quite the nasty bloke (or so it seems). This works fine, although you may have missed a fine opportunity to build up a trust between Crystal and Charles and then introduce this nasty side of him (ie. a betrayal). Still good this way though
Setting
Setting is immaculate. Everything is described in pretty good proportions overall, and you spend particular time describing with all the senses. Excellent work.
Plot
Hmm, and interesting story. It seems to be set in present day - which you managed to convey very well btw. Obviously this is going to be an interesting story full of magic and mystical creatures. I wonder though, if it would have been better to start the story off from Damien's point of view, since it seems he will be your main character. Other than that, you seem to have released just enough plot to show the reader where its going, while still keeping that element of unknown tangling out in front. well done on that.
Characters
I felt you needed to get inside your characters a bit more. Tell the reader how they're feeling, their more intimate actions and things. Especially from the character who's view point you're using. That way, the reader feels more involved in the story. the other thing was that the descriptions seemed a little short. We know some raw basics of each character, but more indepth description throughout the chapter may serve to really bring them alive to the reader.
Setting
The setting was ok in the visual sense, but don't forget all the other senses. Make sure every time you introduce a new scene with descriptions, that you include as many of the senses as possible - not just sight. This can work for characters as well, and is an easy way to drastically improve your story.
Overall
This could be an interesting story. I can't say I particularly like the classic witches and vampires, but depending on how their characteristics and powers come out i think it could be quite interesting.
WRite on!
Aaron
Plot
The plot is interesting, although it is moving along a little slowly for my liking. I think what i find funniest in this story is the historical setting, and how odd it seems in comparison to our day and time. I think you've done a pretty good job with it too, which is neat.
However, something i've found unclear so far is whether this is a romance story or a fantasy/action one? I see its under romance, but the green fire and all a few chapters ago was rather mystical. Being a fantasy writer, i'm interested to see if that turns into anything :).
Character
Your characters are very interesting, and although there are alot of them, they seem to work. I have to say, i'm finding it easier and easier to remember your characters names, which is neat . And the ones I keep forgetting are ok because each of your characters seem to occupy specific roles, so I usually at least know who your talking about anyway. Great stuff, since often its hard to follow characters when a story has a lot of them.
Apart from that, i also found your characters well thought out and fun to read about. well done.
setting
Great setting, as i said i love the historical setting to it. Its all good stuff :). You even include descriptions using all of the senses, which just makes all the more enjoyable.
Write on!
Aaron
Crystal now realized was William Dreaux, replied. She now recognized the voice of Charles’ friend, William Dreaux, as he muttered a reply
Plot
I can see there's going to be a good story behind this one - dragons, excellent. I also have a feeling that these dragons aren't evil/mean. Good choice, dragons seem to be being regarded as the good guys more and more these days :)
It was a rather slow chapter, with a few things that weren't really needed. For instance, the map description was nice and all, but it is perhaps better to leave that to an actual map, since it will be able to show your world far better than your words.
Character
I have a feeling Madison could have something to do with this (as in will be involved in the story), but that really is just a guess. Anyway, if she is gonna be involved in the quest/story, a bit more description on her character could be used (ie. hair, eyes, face, clothes, etc). If not, then what you've given is fine.
I would also spend some more time on showing us what Serena looks like (nice name by the way). However, I do think you've given the reader a good feel of what her actual character is like (a little shy, but still wanting to get out and about - have an adventure! sort of person).
Setting
This area could definately use a bit more work. What was the bedroom she in like (other than the straw mattress and staring girls)? What did it smell like (medieval times = no toilets, cleaning), what did it sound like (busy voices? working noises?). Did she have breakfast? What did that taste like?
In other words, you need to use all your senses to describe the scene - really get us involved and standing there with your character. Take your time when doing this, close your eyes and delve into each room before writing :)
Overall
It's getting there, but it definately needs more time spent on description. So long as you do that, this will turn out great - since I quite like the look of the plot so far. (btw, dragons are cool).
Plot
The chapter did not move the plot along too much this time, but fortunately the well flowing style of the writing meant it was easy to read - action or not. I did find the content of the chapter a little disappointing though - the last couple of chapters were wild and action filled. This one seemed maybe a tiny bit dull compared to them. It focused around preparations for the ball (which, i suspect, will be the the focal point for the plot - just a guess), which didn't seem too interesting. Still, it did serve some purpose to introduce further characters and events to come, so thats ok.
Character
Lots of new characters introduced this chapter - a little intimidating in actual fact. I'm not generally that good at character names, so it will be interesting to see how well i can remember them. I would suggest that in the future you introduce them through characteristic features (ie. of the middle child, etc), in order to make it easier for people to click onto who was who.
there was alot of 'telling' us about what the characters were like - however I found that it worked well in this case. I just thoguht i'd point it out in case you wanted to make it more showing about there personalities and grumpiness (ie. middle child storms out of the shop :D).
Setting
Hmm, as a guy, i can't say i found the setting particularly interesting :P. Still, it was well described, and the dresses well pictured. Great construction and good stuff!
Only thing i picked up in the text was:
"Dawn was a bubbly fifteen year old reveling in this, the prime of her life. She had always been outgoing, energetic, but ever since her coming out the year before Dawn"
- what does 'but ever since her coming out' mean?
Hi! This review is brought to you by "Invalid Item" . enjoy!
Plot
Hmm, an interesting plot thickener! Does this dream represent a past life, or the future? Perhaps a future life (sorry, been reading far to much of the Troy Game series :D). At the moment it doesn't seem to add much to our understanding of this strange man with the emerald eyes, and of course ms Crystals part to play in all this. However, I'm confident it will quickly make sense as the story goes on and the links are drawn into place.
My only plot related comment on this would be that the 'nondream' part at the end could possibly go in a new chapter.
Character
I was interested in these two characters of the dream. Although we are unsure exactly what each looks like, who they are, what they've done, or any specifics really, there does seem to be a link between the two and the two who rode home the chapter before. It seems that Crys and Crystal are almost certainly the same person, it is just to see how this dream affects reality, and in which point of their lives it represents. I myself quite like the mystery of this, but if you had intended it to be clearer you may want to expand on it a little - ie. remembering back to that night or something. I wouldn't really be sure.
On the very bright side, the characters seemed to act very much in their own parts (in the brief awake part). Crys seems more adult than crystal, which leads me to believe its in the future, when she has gained the experiance and knowledge of adulthood.
Setting
This emerald fire, it's interesting. It is by far the most prominant feature of your settings, and so you may want to focus on it a little. the first line about it assumes we've already seen it:
"It was made– not of wood– but of glass, though it was impossible to see through because of the emerald fire that swirled inside"
'because emerald fire swirled within' may ring a little better. On another note, you can probably mix and match words like green, flames, etc to avoid repeat words.
On the whole, the dream was shadowy, which only emphasised the dreamy state of it. well done
overall
I'm interested to see how exactly this story is going ot play out!
Write on!
Aaron
"wearing a dark Stetson, walked quickly towards his destination. Agilely slipping around the street lamps that would reveal his presence"
the second sentence seems to be part of the previous one. May want to rearange a little.
"sunk to the floor. Crossing her arms, she sat down on the floor "
Avoid repeat of floor.
A very sad story :( "That afternoon we attended your service. I swear I thought I would see you draw breath as you lay in that bed of peach satin. I ached to touch your wrinkled hands folded on your chest. I forbid myself to do it. It was unnatural, those were dead hands. I knew there would be no warmth there anymore."
God, did this bring back a memory i had not thought of in a long time. Very, very sad story.
But well written, and very personal. It was interesting and i think perhaps true?
Brilliant! Certainly not something i would usually read, but this was very well done! I can just imagine myself there, teh breeze ruffling my hair, the crashing of waves, and the strum of an old guitar. I almost laughed when Grace leaned forwards in her arms, to speed the way. I swear I've seen both of my nieces do the exact same thing at times!
Plot
I can see a lot of conflict coming, between family and Johnny and the past. Perhaps she should never have come back, i'm sure that thought will go through her head at some point in the works of this story. I just wonder though, how old are they? It was three years ago when she left, but how old was she then (other than being a teenager)? 15 seems to be the guess, from the guitar gift, but I'm not too sure.
Character
I can't find the name of your main character! I'm sure i must be missing it, but perhaps you'd better find a way to make that clearer, as having a name for the character is important to establish right from the start. Other htna that, she seems like a very strong, loving person who went through a horrible experiance she should never have been put through. I wonder where her father is in all this, and whether he will be a future conflict inthe story.
Gracie is awesome, and terrificly portrayed in the prime of innocence. Well done with her.
Johnny seems a little too cliche - the guitar playing surfer boy living in a bach at the beach. This could be a problem if you plan on reestablishign their relationship, since thats quite a large cliche/stereotype to get over. Not that it couldn't work, it could just be difficult.
Setting
Great beach setting, as i said earlier you could really feel like you were there. There was certainly not much wrong with the setting part of this story!
Overall
This is a good start to a story, i'll be interested to see if you continue it. With a little bit of work, it could be perfect.
Oh! this was sweet! A sad, but also joyful remembrance of a grand old character. This seemed true, and if indeed it is, your grandmother sounds like she was a joy to behold. I'm glad you wrote this piece, i'm sure my grandmother (who's house i'm at for the weekend) would cackle at the little story.
The memories are told with astounding detail, and i really enjoyed the read. Keep it up!
Write on!
Aaron
Hmm, this was a little confusing/hard to follow. I think the thing that got me right from the start was the lack of description, making it really hard to distiguish who is who. It's clear right away that th echaracter talking is layla, or whether she is male or female (judging from the name, i'd say female, but her actions sometimes seem more male).
Still, the characters did interact with each other well, and the dialogue was very realistic. It got a little jumbled when you suddenly started talking about phycic abilities though - that seemd to come out of nowhere. unfortunately it makes the part about these quite confusing, lacking the backstory of the characters and everything.
Still, i think with a bit of work these little problems could be cleared up really easily - and made an extremely interesting scene.
Write on!
Aaron
I'm not sure if this is a happy ending or not! One thing it does tell us though, is that people aren't always what they seem - and that we shouldn't judge people for what they're situation is now. Its a shame that so many war veteran, unemployed, and unloved people end up on the streets, and there's no question its not right. What makes it even worse is society looking down on them, and judging them all as no good druggies. Its not right.
anyway, that's my rant. Great story, it strikes truth into my heart, and it was well written. Well done
Write on!
Aaron
Ah wedding rings. It took me till about third paragraph to realise what it was that was seeing all this, but it was still great work! Its such a shaem that so much love goes to waste in the world, that so much of it falls into disrepair. But you're right, its never too late to resurect it.
This was certainly an interesting piece - taken from a very different perspective. It left me, too, hoping that one day she would lift that lid.
Write on!
Aaron
Incredible, and incredibly sad. I for one do know the pain of loosing one so close to you, and this sounds hauntingly similar to the way I felt. Isn't it strange how heart ache inspires the greatest writing?
Anyway, this was brilliantly written, and to me it feels as if it is a true story (unsure whether it really is). Either way, great work, and if it is true I'm sorry for your loss.
Write on
Aaron
Hmm, interesting beginning to quite possibly something bigger? could be a good introduction to a larger story - perhaps a war between the humans and dolphins?
One thing i didn't find particularly clear was the time frame - when did the ship go on, and at what time was this? I suggest adding in dates/years to help with this.
thanks for sharing this interesting story
Write on!
Aaron
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/goldfighter3
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 7:31am on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (4.5)
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "