I recommend using the ctrl+f or cmd+f(mac) search function when following this review. Where I haven't added anything to the quotes, the edit is in the quotes. :) Enjoy
“than even the small, nut and seed gathering chitter sailers” This is confusing to read, maybe “than even the small nut- and seed-gathering Chitter Sailers”
“It was truth, too.” Try “It was the truth, too.” Or “It was true, too.”
“On the run, flying from tree to tree, from branch to branch, at…”
“off of its stem on a clinging vine,” The budding Spicefruit isn’t as long as the vine itself, is it?
“or who had hope but had been passed over for inclusion,”
“When the storm was so close to him that even the thicker branches able to support a woodcutter's weight, standing solid, were weaving and shaking to the point he was having trouble finding footing along them, much less purchase enough to allow his normal fleet run. Ai'Liel came to a decision.” This passage confuses me. It might be better to rewrite similar to:
“Soon the storm was so close to him… to the point that he was having trouble finding a steady footing along them, much less enough purchase to allow him to run at his usual, fleet pace.”
“ He took his Scythethorn blade from its sheath, and began to cut hanging Greenmantle vines.”
“impregnated by the sap of the homewood tree and dried to make it harder than most stones,” (“then” makes it sound too much like a boring process, I have this problem a lot myself.)
“This was the best he could do to defend himself against the storm's maddened assault.” Comma unnecessary, interrupts sentence flow.
“and forcing the rain to fall almost horizontally, even” I can’t see this happening in reality. If you are in a thick forest, the wind might shake the trees enough to cause them to move down to their roots, but the wind itself is not among the trees, so I don’t know how this would work. Then again, it’s hard to tell how high he is, just something readers might not understand.
“another, forming an almost a single, rolling, sound.” Something along these lines.
“He felt his exposed skin was being cut by the impact of water, then flayed from the bone by the force of the wind.” It is unclear if this is really happening, or if he just felt like it was. I am assuming he just felt like it was.
“Ai'Liel rode the storm in this manner,” Removed a comma.
“What had already been a storm unseen for generations built and expanded upon itself, many times over.”
“Green leaves were ripped from their branches, even this far down, and all about him thin, weakened, or damaged branches were wrenched from their moorings, to fall in a complex and clattering pattern, through the trees' living arms, to the ground below.” You are in the middle of the action, and a sentence of this length appears. It seems like a run-on sentence, unfitting for the time in the story.
“Green leaves were ripped from their branches, even this far down. All about him thin, weakened, or damaged branches were wrenched from their moorings. They plummeted in a complex and clattering pattern, through the trees' living embrace, to the ground below.” Something like this might be better.
“There was an incessant thrumming throughout this part of the forest, born of the complicated and ongoing vibrations of living wood strummed by the violent fingers of the wind, playing its strings on that which withstood its onslaught, and percussion with skyfire and falling branches, Water making various accents to the dramatic, and brutal symphony.” Same thing here :)
“ As ever though, a man with the freedom to make his choices also has the necessitated freedom to face the consequences. For Ai'Liel, the consequences had seemed dire enough, already. The Mother and the Father liked to heap humiliation upon those who expose more than is their wonted share of pride, however. Ai'Liel had come to the conclusion that he had displayed just that, and wondered just how much meekness would be forced upon him, before this was over.” I don’t understand this and the following. I do understand that he ranged farther than he ought to have, but if it is a storm of such a violence as has not been seen in generations, it hardly seems like it was his fault.
Overall, it seems that your descriptions are wonderful, and very detailed, but run-on sentences ruin the effect. Also, you need to pay more attention to grammar(names should be capitalized, sometimes there are unnecessary commas, etc), especially in the first part of the text.
Please bear in mind that these are my personal opinions, and suggestions to the way I would do it. They are not meant to discourage, nor to insult, merely to give you insight on how I would change some things.
The story was interesting, the descriptions vivid. With a bit of editing it could be quite nice. :)
I would appreciate it if you took the time to review my story "Uprising."
Keep up the good work!
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