I the idea behind this pice is intriguing and the development of that idea is well thought out. But the writer has yet to develop the style of the piece to do the Idea justice. When writing we must think of the audience. this piece has the marks of a masturbatory event. it needs revision.
The first eight paragraphs lack immediacy; and contain to much exposition and not enough demonstration. There is no hook. The third person point of view is tainted with a bias towards the alien mentality. A common first draft problem, when using a third person omnipotent POV. It's a failed attempt by the writer to demonstrate how the aliens think.
The writer my want to conciter different ways of relying the information in the first eight paragraphs or reorganize it to be more concise. The piece is currently unbalanced possibility in a hurry to get to the punch-line. In the ninth paragraph the POV becomes biased towards the human.
Suggestions: Begin the piece with the fifth paragraph:
--- “The planet has an envelope of Nitrogen and Oxygen.” The others sensed his knowledge of a few trace gasses as well. “There are five advancing primate species, all living in caves or huts. Three of them use stone tools. One, the most advanced, has learned to herd lower animals for food and clothing, so has become less nomadic than the others. Their brains are a typical cell, stroma, and fluid organ, with a peculiar but useful feature: The cells function by salt and ion flow and micro-currents which set up localized field effects. The consciousness is a result of the quantum state of flux of the electrical fields in the brain, and their thought is----
and reorganize from there. It should fall into place quickly.
Again, I really like the idea of this story.
As Always, God Bacon
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/godbacon
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 3:35pm on Nov 14, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
