Line edits:
-should be a comma, not a semi colon after "how strange the brightness of the flower was"
-the image of a halo surrounding her head is a bit cliche
-"mangled mess of her daughter" could be put more subtly. describe it how Abbey would see her daughter, more compassionately and not as gruesome.
-excellent transition from the dream to the nurse talking.
-should be "there are ten doctors that work the pediatric cancer unit at the hospital, and though it was overwhelming at first, Abbey had gotten to know them well in the last three months."
-should be "one marked "in," which was overflowing, and another marked "out."
-the next sentence is a little convoluted
-should be a comma after "alongside the basket, however"
-should be comma after "the doctor had stopped giving him these a long time ago"
-he reveals the freezer's contents, so it should be "pulling them out, he reached for a glass."
-"almost robotically" is very hard to picture...the description isn't necessary since it's a task everyone does without thinking about it
-in the paragraph starting with "unsure how he got there," I'd use italic font when switching into the present tense, otherwise it's very jarring and doesn't read as a flashback
Overall:
The first paragraph is beautiful and you achieved your goal of being detailed and concise. Also, the idea of telling it from two different characters that come together is definitely going to keep your reader interested. Plot and characters seemed to be handled well enough so far, so I'd take a look at the writing itself. There are numerous uses of semi colons that should be commas, and there are some instances of overwriting (especially with verbs that seem out of place or sensationalized). When writing dialogue, avoid tags whenever it's obvious who's talking. Remove "she asked sounding baffled and confused" because we already got that from the dialogue. In essence, keep the narrator from protruding into the action. What's here is good so far and I'm certainly interested to see how it turns out.
I hope my review helps you, and if you have any questions, feel free to write me. If you wouldn't mind, I could use some honest opinions on my latest piece "Warmth." I'd greatly appreciate it! -Justin
-"a male laugh" is a little odd, it's probably just "male" and how it makes it sound like a scientific observation
-the pair of eyes met and held what? held their gaze?
Overall:
This is very well done. You understand the importance of using concrete nouns and images, rather than abstractions, to convey meaning. You give these objects life, animating them and making them the real characters here. The rhythm in the last paragraph is very well done and the last sentence is stellar :) My only suggestion would be to use a little more contrast; too many longer sentences,with multiple clauses stringed together, don't flow so well unless punctuated by excercises in brevity. I am not fully aware of what the assignment was, but you could take this one step further and turn it into prose poetry, simply because of all the beautiful imagery.
I hope my review helps you! If you could please review one of my short stories, I would greatly appreciate it! You would definitely enjoy "A Blue Moat," so let me know what you think! Thanks -Justin
-when proofreading your piece, always read out loud, adding comma's where you stop to breathe, or where it sounds appropriate. there's no real comma usage throughout the piece, and it's very distracting to readers.
-the story itself is rather cliche' and the characters are one-dimensional. no one in real life is as perfect as these two sound, and no love is that perfect either.
-the story is told in a way that just sounds like a list of events and descriptions. i wanted to see dialog. also, try not to start all sentences with the subject, i.e., "Bert did this" or "Jenny did that"
It's obvious that you have potential as a writer and can form a plot and have at least outlined the framework for characters. They just need to be more interesting. Since the beginning of literature, the most interesting of characters have always been the least perfect ones, the ones with flaws evident in all human beings.
I hope my suggestions help you on your way to writing success! I would greatly appreciate it if you could give one of my stories a quick read and review :) Thanks!
Some line edits:
-Take out "only" in the first sentence; obviously no one else can hear whats in her head ;p
-I'm not sure what "burned like the cherry" means...is it a drug term?
-Put a period after "gathering" in the first sentence of the third paragraph
-Change "loosed" to "loose" in that same paragraph
-Take out "barely" in the next paragraph, it clutters the sentence.
-I felt like the next few paragraphs about the cell phone were useless in telling your story. It's like you were trying to turn the cell phone into another character. Take what's necessary in those paragraphs and delete the rest. Trust me, you'll find that the first page flows a lot better.
-"Then as his tired mind offered up scenarios that would prevent her callback" is a very convoluted sentence. I know what you're trying to say, just make it clear. Less is always more.
-In the sentence that begins with "they had passed the hours..." put "by" after "location."
-Who is the next sentence about? There's no subject.
-Later she says she's "beginning to wonder if bad spouse..." you mean "being a bad spouse" or "having a bad spouse"?
Overall:
After the first page and the awkwardly uninteresting cell phone tangent, your writing improved immensely and I found myself very interested in getting to know this woman. The twist of the blood being ketchup is intriguing and you ended the chapter in a way that makes me want to read more (although I will have to review the next chapter at a later date). My point is, that this starts off slow and a little vague in direction, and then turns out for the better. I was pleasantly surprised :)
I hope my review helps you! I would greatly appreciate if you reviewed one of my short short stories in return (plus you'll make some Gift Points). Thanks so much! -Justin
This is very good and the ideology reminds me a lot of "The Secret" or other such teachings that tell you that the universe will return whatever emotions you send its way. Here's a few line edits.
- The first sentence in the third paragraph of the preface should not be set in real time. just take out "barely a moment ago."
- take out "they never did" at the end of that same paragraph, its clunky and unecessary.
- 2nd paragraph of chapter 1, capitilize "but at the end..."
- 4th paragraph of chapter 1, change to "Later that day, as Chuck and Brenda..."
- last sentence of that same paragraph, capitilize "is it just me"
- for the entire piece, punctuation like quotation marks and question marks goes INSIDE the period.
- chapter 2 started out to be very confusing and i couldn't tell if the Being was recognizing the cats at first or the people. I didn't understand how he knew their age was measured in years. I would change "new and wondrous and amazing" because those are very vague terms and don't really mean anything to the reader.
- chapter 3 was excellent
I liked the story a lot up until the ending. I felt like it ended abruptly, with no conclusion at all. Honestly, I feel like the truth in this piece BEGINS at the end of chapter 4, that this is all building up to something much bigger. You've laid the foundation, now tell the meat and bones of the real story.
Overall, your piece was excellent and just needs to be expanded upon. If you could please review one of my short stories (one with only a few reviews) I would GREATLY appreciate it!!! Thanks!! -Justin
Props for using a TBS song as your title :) Overall, this was very well-written and I found the characters to be very well developed. I felt sorry for Lynn and mad at how stupid the guy was. I don't think this is an 18+ rating, MAYBE 13+ if anything. The ending didn't give me a sense of completion or change in any of the characters. Maybe if she left and wondered what her husband was doing or something, it would indicate where her future would be without having to add anything to the story. The ending would just linger, which makes your reader think about it when they are finished. Other than that, I don't really have any suggestions and I enjoyed it very much!
I hope my review helps you! If you could please review one of my short short stories, I would greatly appreciate it! Thanks -Justin
This was well-written and I found myself more interested as I read, which is obviously a good thing. The second sentence is awkwardly worded and I'd suggest making dialog into separate paragraphs. It was very interesting how deeply you delved into this whole "Call" notion, probably because every person who ever reads this will be able to relate to it. In the third paragraph, I felt like you were telling way too much and showing nothing. Don't tell us how you worked together without giving an example or a scene. Ideally, you should be able to give us an interaction between you and the ex and we will be able to realize for ourselves that you two fit together perfectly. In the 2nd to last paragraph, you do this correctly and give us examples. The ending could have been pulled off smoother and I expected something witty involving the wife, just something to pack a punch and not just fall dead like it does now. Overall, I enjoyed the piece a lot.
I hope my review helps you! If you could please review one of my short short stories, I would really appreciate it! Thanks! -Justin
Your piece was a difficult one to absorb, but not because of the story itself. Your writing is undoubtedly beautiful and poetic and there are some very artistic images in here. Sometimes too many. And I believe that's where I struggled. The actual story, to me, begins when you say "New York City, unknown era." We are immediately given a setting, plot development, and characters. But, I wanted to learn more about the mother, more about even the main character himself. He seems to philosophize a lot, but that doesn't necessarily tell us concretely who he is. As an apocalyptic story, you pulled this off very well. But in the end, characters are what make your reader go "WOW" when they finish. There are only a few grammatical mistakes and awkward sentences and too many parenthesis (these will stop a reader in their tracks). Other than that, I'd only suggest developing your characters more throughout the piece and go easier on the images. Introduce one image and then elaborate on it before giving us more, always always always remember that less is more. "Like water through fingertips," don't let your reader get lost.
I hope my review helps you. Your piece was very well-done and I think it has a lot of potential. When someone says they want to know your character more, you've done a good job, but just need that little extra.
If you could please review one of my short short stories, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks!!! -Justin
- "she wore heavy books" doesnt make sense.
- the last sentence in that same paragraph is convoluted
- take out "banishing all the light." It's already stated.
- walls melting is a powerful image
- Change to "It was worn and Vivie could barely make out what it depicted.
- why would it be obvious that its tied with barbed wire?
I like what is here so far and I definitely think it is worth continuing. It reminds me of the house of usher with it's dark imagery and eerie setting. A few suggestions:
-Who is the main character? It starts with the dad but turns to the girl, who is a far more interesting character. I'd suggest sticking with her and describing everything from a little girl's viewpoint (peek at my story A Blue Moat for an idea on how to do this)
-Don't over-describe things. Give us a powerful image and then something simple. If a reader is hitting 3 or 4 adjectives for every noun, it's easy to lose focus.
-Your images would be far more powerful if they didn't "seem to be" something. Just describe it as if it is actually happening. We already know something seems a certain way because we are reading through a characters viewpoint.
-Capitalize the first word in a sentence following quotes.
I hope this helps you in continuing your story. I did enjoy it :) If you could please review one of my stories, I would greatly appreciate it. I would personally suggest A Blue Moat since Vivie reminds me of my character in that story. Kudos! -Justin
I like the emphasis on things unsaid, because those tend to be far more powerful. The repetition of "the expression on your face, the look in your eyes" was good, it acted as a chorus for the poem. I just felt some of the lines were cliche' and i also wanted some concrete details. Make the reader feel the same way as you by telling us what that expression was or how they said certain things.
If you could review one of my short short stories, I would greatly appreciate it. Hope my review is helpful!
The word in the 2nd sentence is "naivety," I believe. Take out "when planting season rolled around," it is unnecessary and adds confusion. I'm not quite sure I get the joke, I mean I think I do but it's worded awkwardly and thus makes me unsure. What kind of contest is this for? Take out "he asked" in the third to last line, we already know who is talking (never use tags unless they are crucially necessary). Keep me updated on how this turns out.
If you could review my first story, I would really appreciate it. It's a short one, don't worry :)
Try punctuating the ABAB rhyme scheme with something different once in awhile, perhaps using couplets where you think an extra two lines would further your thoughts. Also, though the imagery is very good, I wanted to see more concrete details, more examples, more reasoning for what you are trying to say here. Poetry doesn't have to tell a full story but it still has to have reason and purpose behind it. The enjambment in the last line of the third stanza is good, try using that more often and it will add more rhythm to your work. If you could review one of my stories I would appreciate it very much. Thank You -Justin Gold
Some of this was pretty funny stuff. From a writer's standpoint, avoid using so many big words that seem to clutter your tone (I graduated with a Writing major so I assure you I still understand all the things you're saying). Starting out with a seed and then playing on words with Bush is good stuff, inventive. Keep going with that and avoid the big statements without punctuating them with jokes. Otherwise, the reader isn't sure if this is a big rant or supposed to be funny in the first place. But you are right, Bush is a piece of s***. If you could please review one of my stories I would really appreciate it. Thank You -Justin Gold
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/glassjaw2384
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 2:12am on Nov 22, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
