Dear TEALA,
This I like! I think it is very cute the way she loves Chuck Norris. I love the descriptions you give. I don't like the word humongous. The story flows so elegant up until that word. I also think that the foyer cannot be 'sparsely' decorated with a bench, a telephone stand, and cabinets. How big is it? I like this story immensely! I love Dana's mother. I also like the way the story starts out. Very intriguing. Great job! Keep writing!
Dear TEALA,
This chapter is good, not as good as the first. There isn't enough meat to this. There are sections drawn out that don't need to be. There are sections glazed over quickly that should have been drawn out. I think that you should add at least one more section to it as in the last chapter. I think that the hysteria attack is too long. There is too much detail put into the attack and not enough in the relationship of the father with the daughters, or the relationship of the girls with each other. I also think that the characters are solid. However, there are sections where the story just dictates what they do instead of the characters doing things for themselves. Also, during the dialogue between the sisters, it becomes confusing as to who is saying what. As a whole, the story is very gripping and I am very anxious to read the next chapters. Good job. Keep writing!
Dear TEALA,
This chapter is very good. I liked it a lot. I think that there are a few things that could use some work. For example, the letter from Robin doesn't sound quite right. I am not sure of Robin's age, but I thought the sentence structure was a little too advanced. I also understand that losing her daughter was very traumatizing for Sarah. I think that you put too much of an emphasis on it. Its overkill. We know that she is very upset. The story needs to move on. You did a great job editing. I saw no errors. I think this story is going to be very good. The plot is thoroughly intriguing. On the whole, very well put together. I will read the next chapter. Keep writing!
I am giving you a 4.5 because I disagree with some of what you have said. I believe that you are right when you say that we all need to be brutally honest with ourselves. Everyone has their own comfortable blindfolds. I don't agree with you when you say that our perspectives have been pounded into us. Everyone has their own unique perspective dealing with how they think, feel, and act. It is part of what makes us human beings. Everyone responds in a different manner than from how someone else would respond. All human beings have certain taboos, of course, as does every other conscious being on the planet. To say that we have been brainwashed with these perspectives is, in my opinion, wrong. Now, putting all that aside, this piece was very well thought out and is extremely insightful. I enjoyed reading it.
Be well,
The String
I like the general idea of this story. However, the line of the story is confused quite a bit. The relationships between each character need to be fully explained. It just is too confusing right about the middle of this piece. What is the relationship of Alexander to Carl? Who is Jeremy? What is the relationship of Jeremy to Westley? These lines need to be defined quite a bit more than they are. The story itself is good. Full of wonderful description and emotions. You have done well in making the reader apart of the story. Good Job.
Be Well,
girl85
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/girlpoet85
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 8:46am on Nov 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
