There are parts of this that is very well written and flows very well. Once this is tweaked a bit, I think you will have a great read here.
Some of the stanza's don't seem to flow as well as others. Overall, I really enjoyed this. My suggestions and comments are below, but please remember you are the writer and have final authority.
The starlight gleams within your eyes,
as night begins, with moon rise.
you dance upon the glistening sand.
The wind swept surf, caressing your hand
The above stanza has difficulty in its flow.
slowing fading away should be slowly fading away
My body is slipping. I grow cold.
Where are you this dark, cold night (cold two sentences in a row?)
by forces of drear (what is drear?)
darkining spelled darkening
kicked and I struggle (one is past tense, one is present)
My favorite section is the fear section.
My least favorite section is the cold section.
Ironically, they are one after the other.
I would be happy to rate this again at a later date should you add or edit parts.
Happy writing.
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