Wow, what a powerful message in this piece. I loved your comparisons in the beginning. And of course, due to my faith, I knew exactly where you were going with this, but you still held my attention. There were only 2 slight errors that I found. I'm not sure if I can find the first one again, but the second one is:
Glance at your own hand. How marvelously it is made with joints and sinews so that it can open and close it at...This last "it" should be removed.
Ah, the second paragraph was the other one I wanted to draw your attention to:
great artist of whom I wish to tell you aboutis the one who gave men the ability to think and to feel in the first place.
I would have to say that first thing you need to do is create 2 different static items. While neither is written badly, it is kind of confusing to get the feel for one and then before you review it, there is a second one that you read and you forget the first one.
I think it would help greatly by separating them
As far as the first one goes,
Watch
As they wink
And blink
And dance
Fairies frolicking
In a far away forest
Playful like frisky felines
Would read and flow better as:
Watch as they wink,
Blink~
Dance...
Like fairies frolicking
In a far away forest.
Playful, like frisky felines.
It's mainly about getting rid of competitive words and adding punctuation.
I do like them both. I would just go through and tighten them up a bit after separating them.
Losing a long time pet/friend, is one of the hardest things to do. They are always there, no matter your mood. They are adventurous and always loving and forgiving. If you are ill, they are always there close to keep you warm.
I thank God for pets!
Anyway, I loved this poem. But I have to say, I'm kind of a punctuation freak and I do apologize. But on some of the stanzas, I feel a comma inserted would help the piece to flow better. However, that is my problem not yours so you can take or leave the suggestion.
But I struggled with:
If God has a heaven for dogs like you.
I hope when I go home I see you too.
You will never be forgotten my old pal.
If I see a dog it will be you somehow.
Flows better as:
If God has a heaven for dogs like you.
I hope when I go home, I see you too.
You will never be forgotten my old pal.
If I see a dog, it will be you somehow.
What a heart felt, heart wrenching, wonderful piece.
Your emotions come across clearly, sadly, and deeply. Your words bring tears to the readers eyes. Your imagery is just that strong.
You did an excellent job on this, and I can really only recommend things that I feel would tighten the piece up. But that may not be something you want to do.
I realize this is free verse, and that works. I would add punctuation, as I think it would greatly strengthen the piece. With the versus varying between 3 and 6 stanzas, the question marks show end of thought, but then no other punctuation is used.
Again, this is merely my suggestion.
Very good job getting your thoughts and feelings across.
What a lovely piece! I loved the in depth vision of self.
I think there is room to grow this piece if you so chose to, but it's not necessary either.
The only thing I would suggest has nothing to do with the piece at all, as I loved it. But when I scrolled down to do the review, there were so many items I had to pass over, that it seemed a bit much. By the time I got to the review section, I had been so distracted by the other stuff that I had lost the words and original feeling, that I had to go back to the top and re-read it.
I came to your portfolio to give you a simple rate, review and wish you a Happy Account Birthday. But what I found here in this piece, is so much more than any mere words that I can express.
The imagery that you portray in this piece is real, in depth, and provides a sense of clinging to your every word!
I have to say that I have never ran across any poem that took my breath away and left tears in my eyes.
My favorite part was:
Let not your causes simply fade
Let others build on what you've made
Let not your hopes and dreams be lost
While others wait to pay the cost
Let me hear the wind in the pines
I was taken aback to say the least. Awesome job indeed! I saw nothing that I could suggest to improve this piece.
While looking over this piece, I had a few thoughts. First of all, she sounds like a fun co-worker!
While I can feel what you are saying here, I see some things that I'm going to suggest that may be helpful. But, this is merely suggestions and what you chose to do with them are up to you.
Your repetitive stanza causes a bit of stumbling due to the use of "that" twice in the sentence. But you told me that before so I already know that
Perhaps you could leave out the first "that" and this would flow smoother.
"But you told me before, so I already know that."
Or since this is told in past tense, you could do "But you told me before, so I already knew that" Or "But you told me that before, so I already know."
Any of them would work.
And this stanza: When your boyfriend breaks up with you
Again you are mixing past tense with present tense. "When your boyfriends break up with you" Or "When your boyfriend broke up with you"
If it were me, I would decide which tense works better for this piece, then redo it to make sure it all matches.
I hope this helps, and if you re-work it and want me to take another look at it, please let me know and I'll be happy to.
Let me start by saying that this is a wonderful piece! The imagery is spot on and draws the reader in, making for one heck of a good time. It easily places a smile on the reader's lips as well.
There is nothing at all that I could suggest to make this piece better. I think it is perfect as it. It's serves as a fun reminder to "have fun along the way!"
What a cool day for it to fall on as well. 1/11/11....too fun!
Anyway, I loved the imagery in this piece and think you did an awesome job! The flow is right on and the story behind it is very cool!
There was only 1 letter that I saw should be added. And I wasn't going to hurt your review because of it, but I would suggest adding it. It's the second stanza in the last verse.
On a star is where she sleep I would add an s to sleep, making it: On a star is where she sleeps.
Other than that, I found it to be a perfect format with a very nice flow!
This has a lot to say and for the most part, it is very well written. It was clearly a heartfelt piece!
I do have a couple of suggestions, but they are merely suggestions.
There are various numbers of stanzas per verse. I think you could tighten this up by changing a couple things. You could make it a free verse poem, delete the spaces between the verses, or adding proper punctuation and create a better flow to the piece. This is merely my thoughts and not meant to offend.
I would like to start by saying, this is very good read indeed. Your imagery is vivid and the reader is drawn into the story that you unfold in this piece, and your pain is clear.
That being said, I would like to see you work on this to firm it up a bit. It doesn't really fall into a format. Perhaps you could make it free verse, but you would still need to change up a few things.
Part of this piece is in past tense and part is current. In some places there is punctuation and some places there are none. If you could re-work it to make each verse the same length, either 3 or 4 stanzas, that would help a lot with the meter.
Regardless, I still liked reading it and am sorry for the sorrow that you display here.
I like the way that you post at the bottom of the page, the outline of the format. It helps the reader keep the pace that you set forth.
I don't mean to be attacking your portfolio, I just keep clicking the random read button and your poems keep coming up. So forgive me for doing so much reviewing.
I this piece, the flow is quite nice and really could only see a couple places where a comma would help with the flow.
For instance:
"Having made it they go." Could be: Having made it, they go.
"As their folly they show." Could be: As their folly, they show.
To me, it lets the reader know there is a slight pause there and makes the stanza flow better. But again, this is merely my suggestion and thought.
I see you wrote this several years ago, I ran across in on random read. I think you did a great job at following the format you chose.
There was only a couple things that hung me up, they are as follows:
If an year more I remain, If a year more I remain The an needs to be an "a".
The other one is:
"You are my hope only one." This line feels a bit forced to me. As it does follow your format, it just makes it one of those stanzas that you get stuck on and have to re-read. Perhaps a comma after hope breaks it up a bit better.
This is just my opinion of course. And like I said, I enjoyed the poem and the imagery was very good and set the scene in your mind.
This has a nice feel and reflection. The imagery all to well known, myself. I enjoyed this piece and am glad it was featured in the newsletter.
For the most part it flows nicely and the rhyming format you chose, works very well.
That being said, I did stumble on the 6th stanza.
"Love hasn't faded over the years it has grown".
In counting syllables it is close enough to the 5th stanza to make it look like it should work, but yet when reading it silently or even out loud, the flow seems to need a pause after "years."
Possibly because it is the longest stanza in the poem. The majority of your syllables in each stanza is 8, however your 5th stanza contains 11 and the 6th stanza has 12. I think if you could make any adjustments to the syllable count without making it feel forced, then it would flow easier.
This is merely my opinion and not meant to offend in anyway. I look forward to reading more of your work.
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