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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ghostbear
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4 Public Reviews Given
4 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Adrian Whitehill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi,

I like the story, it could easily be expanded into more and makes me wonder what else had gone before and what the fate of the knights will be.

However, it reads a little stilted and to me feels like it leans too heavily to the tell, rather than show. For example - the opening could be done as below:

"Bayard stood glaring at the capitol city of Warcester alight with dim lantern glow, and the magnificent torches of the front gate. His breath steaming in the crisp early morning air, and the dying flicker of the camp fire dancing with his shadow"

To:

"Breath misting like fog in the cold dawn air, Bayard stood glaring at the lantern lit city of Warcester. Sleep had eluded him this night as the fate of his young bride rested heavily on his shoulders."

I know I often have a similar problem with early drafts, and still find it easier to see in others writing than my own, because I've already got the scene I'm trying to portray in my head. I've found it helps me to sometimes leave a story/scene for a while then come back to it and read it fresh.

Onwards and Upwards :)


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2
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Review of Logic  Open in new Window.
Review by Adrian Whitehill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I quite like this for flash fiction, short, snappy yet rather Quirky.

I don't know if this was an actual dream you've had, but it certainly included all the oddness and knowing-yet-not-knowing that permeates dreams.

Some of the images could also be expanded on into fuller scenes as well, and that's part of the beauty of flash fiction - it's literally a flash insight to a world, and this has certainly done that, as well as left me wanting to know more about the world and it's logic.

Well done :)


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